the beginning...

before you start reading this blog, or any that follow, there is one thing you must know: when i'm not writing for business or professional purposes, capital letters are virtually non-existent for me. i know that this drives my dad crazy, but i talk fast, i think fast, and i type fast, and i don't have time for little things like the shift key. i will proofread the hell out of something, looking for misspellings because i'm a little OCD (needed here because it's an acronym) about things like that, but caps? eh.

i also tend to write in a stream-of-consciousness fashion, so if i ramble, change topics mid-sentence, or throw you for a loop here and there, welcome to my brain.

now...

so, the title of my blog is "much more than pearl jam", which i find somewhat ironic (or maybe highly, you be the judge) as one of the lines from one of my favorite pearl jam songs, "breath", is

"if i knew where it was, i would take you there. there's much more than this."

ha ha, how funny. ah, feel the irony, alanis.

i'm starting this blog because i don't really feel like i have a voice. yes, i have a literal voice, which you'd know if you've ever really pissed me off. i can scream with the best of them, although i haven't done it quite some time. i mean i'm looking for something is representative of me. i see a lot of people in my (grad school) program who are making, doing, writing, creating, and i feel like a slacker. i want to draw, write stories, play the guitar. i can do all of these things a little, but i'd like to have a better proficiency instead of feel like a lazy, untalented bum.

my friend jon sent me this youtube video about libras, which is my astrological sign. in the video, this wacky psychotherapist/astrology "expert" acts out the characteristics of a libra, and while she's a nutjob and i disagree with some of what she said, i do agree with this: i'm kinda good at a lot of things. see above paragraph, please.

there are a few things that i'm really good at: going to school, memorizing song lyrics, applying mascara while driving and looking at the road, tying a cherry stem into a knot with my tongue, but i'd like to feel like i have a "thing" that i'm known for or that defines me. what most people know or associate with me is...you guessed it: pearl jam.

i've been reading for my qualifying exams, which to sum up, consist of four exams that essentially test what you've been learning in the phd program. one of my friends referred to it, aptly, as academic water boarding. so, i'm reading this book about fandom, (because my dissertation is about pearl jam and the fan community. i *cannot* get away from this band!) and it discusses the levels and types of fandom. if you're really into a band, a sports team, whatever, and you wear shirts with their logos, buy memorabilia, gather with other people to enjoy the object of your idolatry, etc., you're pretty much in the upper tiers of the fan theory spectrum.

when fandom truly becomes a facet of your identity, it's what you're known for or what you present yourself as. back to wanting to be seen as something more than a pearl jam fan...i really am! although you wouldn't believe it from reading this so far.

on that note, a gratuitous picture of eddie at this year's bridge school benefit concert:












ah, so much better now.

anyway...i do want to be seen as something more than a fan, but it's a huge part of my identity. it's one thing i'm truly passionate about. i'm passionate about a lot of things. remember, i'm kinda good at a lot of things; being passionate is one of them.

i think i take for granted the fact that i have something in my life that i love so much. a few years ago, i was talking to one of my friends about a trip i was taking to see eddie in concert in chicago, and she looked at me and said, "you're really lucky. i'd kill to have something that means that much to me."

i never really thought about it. doesn't everyone have something that keeps them alive, that they'd die for, that they can't live without? i'm not talking about a significant other, or someone you're stalking on facebook, i mean a true, deep, sincere love (fine, obsession)

...and on a side note, i'm not really sure why i'm ellipses happy today...

of something. even if it's eating chocolate cake, and you try chocolate cake at every restaurant you can find, and travel the world searching for the best, most perfect chocolate cake ever. i'm not sure where i was going with all of this, except to say that I LIKE THINGS OTHER THAN PEARL JAM. sorry, caps were necessary.

and after all that, and proclaiming my non-pearl-jam-affiliated-persona, there is hardly anything else that affects me the way they do. whether it be lyrics or looking at a picture of eddie (yes, he's my favorite, although not everyone's), pearl jam just makes me happy. this seems like such a simple concept, but it's so hard to achieve.

i mean, everyone wants to happy, right? *crickets*
except those crazy drama queens who thrive on misery and bitching. i know i want to be happy, i'm working really hard to be happy, and to have something that you can listen to, look at, or participate in that improves your day, your week, your life, that is magical. i happen to be lucky enough to have an entire group of people that get me and understand where i'm coming from and what moves me. that's a rare, precious thing.

i'm not sure if i conveyed what i wanted to, or if anyone will get what i'm saying, but i can always come back to it later. i'll mull on it over a nice slice of chocolate cake. : )