change (in the house of flies)

yep, another fucking blog with the word change in it. that's really not what's been going on today, but what a great song.

what's really going on is booooooooredom. holy hell, i can't take it. i think the biggest contributing factor is my medication. so, here's the deal: i take 400 mg of one of my meds a day. if i go down to 300 (there is no 350 option), i'm bordering on mopey. at 400, i'm bordering on manic. i can work out two hours a day if i want, i have to make myself eat, i end up taking three ativan instead of two to avoid anxiety issues (the prescription is written for three a day, but i haven't needed the third one till they upped this other stupid medication), i can't sleep, i've lost weight, and i have to sit on my hands so i don't rip off my cuticles.

i don't have a psychiatrist for the summer, so i'm kind of on my own here, *plus*, i got a 90 supply of all my medication for the summer, and my prescription is for 400 mg capsules (used to be a handful of 100 mg caps a day, so i had options), so unless i'm gonna open one up and pour part of it out, i'm screwed for the next 83 days.

another reason for boredom: NO money. i can't afford to do *anything*, nothing, i'm not exaggerating. paying the rent in july? that's going to be a miracle. i've never been this broke in my entire life. it's beyond frustrating and a long story.

and the pool is closed for repairs, and it's 95 degrees outside, i have the attention span of a fly right now (a ha! there's the fly reference!). FML.

anyway, back to bored...and restless. i can't sit still. i did an hour on the elliptical tonight, lifted weights, did crunches, and i still could've ridden my bike ten miles and been okay. i didn't because i would've died of heat exhaustion.

i'm not sure what to do because i can't *stand* being bored, and it's not like i can focus and read or study or do anything remotely intellectual or educationally productive (horrible phrase, work with me here) because the restlessness kicks that to the curb.

so what do i do? i exercise, pace, drink...mostly water, but sometimes rum, do push ups, clean out closets and drawers and cabinets, take deep breaths, chew on the inside of my mouth, keep grayson from killing phoenix. but mostly, i think about how bored i am, so bored that i can't even think of anything fun to do at home. i've been watching tv, which i haven't done much of in months, but i have to pause it and get up every seven minutes.

i have so much useless energy and nothing to do with it. i can only do the elliptical for so long before i, guess what? get bored! i don't know if my back can handle running, and walking sucks. i know that a lot of this contradictory, and that's exactly how it feels in my brain and my body: wires crossed everywhere.

i don't wanna to go down to 300 mg because i do *not* want to feel depressed, nothing even remotely in the same ballpark as that bitch. this other option isn't so fun, but with everything else that's going on, i'd rather be high as a kite than hiding razor blades.

other than all that, i'm trying not to do stupid things that get me in trouble, which is what i usually do when i'm bored because at least *then* it's exciting. i don't know if that's working out so well...

i texted someone tonight that i said i wouldn't. i didn't take a blood oath or anything, just told myself it would be a bad idea. oops. it took like three days of thinking about it before i did it, so i wasn't completely irrationally spontaneous. still, oops.

and even worse: he misses me, he's thinking about me, he's thinking about things we used to do together, he wants to see me, blah blah blah.

yeah, back to the gym and hide the phone...

the boxer

an old song by simon and garfunkel.

sitting in the house for almost an entire week made me start feeling like a veal waiting in a pen, fattening up for the slaughter. not that i sat in a cage, eating non-stop, but i definitely started feeling lethargic and sentient.

between that, not exercising for several months because of my back, and seeing 'the fighter' yesterday (btw, go see it), i am ready to get moving! i've been really afraid to do anything requiring physical exertion because i'm in enough pain just living and breathing.

i'm feeling really motivated to be more active than i have been able to be...we'll see how long this lasts...but at least for now i'm going to take advantage of this energy and do what i can, all the while being mindful of my back. i'm gonna start with the eliptical, yoga, and water aerobics.

i have my second spinal injection tomorrow. i was petrified last time, and having the sadistic b*tch who repeatedly tried to shove an IV in my hand *didn't* help. but now i'm like, "let's go!! how many can we do at once? can you just shoot something in my spine to fill up ALL the holes at once?!?" my chiropractor had a good laugh at that today.

i actually miss running, i'm not sure if i'll ever be able to do it again, but i'll do what i can for now. i'm starting to panic about my exams, and i definitely need a stress outlet. boxing would be the perfect outlet.

mental note, ask doctor about likelihood of me boxing...

just one day...

i would like to have one day where i'm not in some kind of physical, mental, or emotional pain. i ran this morning because i'm *supposed* to be exercising. it's good for depression, and i'm trying to get rid of the weight that my last medication caused me to gain.

due to a horrible experience a few weeks ago, i've been eating before i run, *every* time. but for some reason, i once again have a horrible stomach ache, one that nothing takes away.

i'm dizzy, nauseous, my mouth tastes like metal, and i just want to go to bed. i don't know if it's because i ran too far, or because i'm also in the throes of a fun female ritual, but i've been miserable all day.

if it's not medication that's making me ill, it's the sciatica in my left side, or a migraine, or some other ailment. i'm not that old, and i really don't think i'm asking for much: just one day without needing some kind of medication, other than the 25 already prescribed to me. i feel like i'm falling apart, and i'm doing everything i can to prevent it.

this is so frustrating, especially since what is making me sick (exercise, medicine), is what is supposed to be making me better...

mini-update

i don't really have anything to write about today, but i'm trying to write almost every day.

a little med update: my doctor increased the dosage of my semi-new med by 50%. i'm not sure how i feel yet emotionally; i'm still motivated, not laying around, but i feel like i have too much energy sometimes and i have no appetite. i ran five miles without stopping yesterday (without eating), and was so sick the rest of the day and night, i could barely move.

the 'not eating' part is really strange. i've hardly even thought of food for the past few days, it's almost like that part of my brain has been numbed. when i do think of food, it doesn't sound good, so i make myself eat at least three times a day. another side effect: i'm thirsty *all* the time; i can't get enough to drink.

i'm still somewhat dizzy and weak today, and slept more than usual. other than that, i put up my christmas tree, lights, and stockings. the thanksgiving break was good; this will be my last week of work until january. i don't know what i'm going to do with myself, other than read for my exams and attempt to keep grayson off the tree.

anyway, back to true blood...

run like hell

i started running again last week. i haven't really done it on a regular basis since the summer of '09 when i was running about 20 miles a week. my entire life, i have *abhorred* running. it's not that i'm not active, it's just that i would rather have my legs shaved by a blind man with 4 fingers than to sprint more than 20 feet.

ah, shaving. my least favorite thing in the world to do. if i won the lottery, first thing i'd do (no vacation, no paying off bills): laser hair removal from top to bottom (no pun intended there).

i never understood what people got out of this seemingly masochistic activity, then i hit the two mile mark, and it all fell into place...the legendary runner's high. i started this mostly painful activity because after 3 semesters of working on my phd, it was either run, become an alcoholic, become an addict, or kill someone. those were the only plausible choices, and i didn't relish the idea of rehab, jail, or becoming a murderer.

i got my master's degree pretty much with my eyes closed. i showed up to class, i figured out from the discussion what was going on, i contributed, i went home and dealt with my psychotic boyfriend. at the end of each semester, i'd crank out three 20 page papers in a week, and ta da, here's your A.

i didn't read hardly *anything* except my holocaust books (because they were interesting), and i managed to get all As, and one B (in the freaking holocaust class, of all things!). during most of this i was dealing with said psycho boyfriend, flying to colorado once a month to see him, doing an internship/TA position 50 miles from my house (one way), taking 12 hours of school, and working two jobs.

but getting your phd, at least for me, is a whole other ballgame. although i had one shitty professor tell me that it's impossible to read all that you're assigned, i did it, so take *that*, jackass. every week for four semesters, i read, studied, worked, had no life, and wrote papers.

then i had a semi-serious meltdown and reading kind of fell through the cracks for a while. but running does help me...i need the stress relief, and it really works, despite my initial misgivings. bonus, it isnt' dangerous to myself or others...well mildly dangerous to me because i have to contend with the treadmill and manage to not fall down.

but i've been running outside lately, and i like that much better than the treadmill; fresh air, nature, not feeling like a gerbil is always nice. however, there's always the possibility of the rolled ankle, getting hit by a car, frostbitten fingers. whatever.

i've also found that my state of mind and music play a big part, so i have to psyche myself up sometimes, think about how good i'll feel after i'm not sore anymore, and pick great music.

and yes, taylor swift has been motivating me for the past week. what of it? i listened to pearl jam yesterday and this morning...needed a little mutual pain, anger, and frustration to drive me, not sweet, little, naive taylor.

real music, real passion, real energy. that's my boys.