it's just a broken heart

despite what you may think, i'm pretty particular about what i listen to (i think), but i also have a varied taste in music. for the past week, i've been running to taylor swift's new cd. now i realize that i'm not 14, but it's a guilty pleasure and it keeps me moving. her songs are all about good relationships gone bad, stupid choices (hello, john mayer), regret; all things i can identify with.

my musical taste does tend to gravitate toward the depressing love song; songs about ended relationships, betrayal, regret, "why didn't this work out", "why did you leave me", "i have to leave you, it's for the best". ya know, the brokenhearted variety. apparently, this is a genetic trait, as my dad listens to the same uplifting genre.

which made me wonder why pearl jam (yep, they're back) and their music mean so much to me. they don't really do a lot of "relationship" songs, not like the kind i was referring to. i'd say that they write a lot of songs that are "emotional", but they're about emotional pain; anger, abuse, loneliness. again, things with which i can identify.

the first pearl jam song that got me was "black". i had heard "alive", "jeremy" (hell, the kid who they based the song on went to a high school in my district and i remember when it happened), but those songs really didn't click. but "black", how could you *not* love this?





aw, young ed...what passion, what a voice. yes, he's beautiful, too. totally beside the point.

it wasn't until i heard "black", a song about a relationship that has ended, and the pain, loss, and regret that the singer feels, that i got the tape (remember those?) and literally sat for hours on my best friend deirdre's bed, trying to figure out the freaking lyrics.

because ed wouldn't be ed if he made anything less than challenging, especially when it comes to his personal experiences.

i listened to that song over and over, and my freshman year of college, i even had the lines
"i know someday you'll have a beautiful life, i know you'll be a star in someone else's sky. why can't it be mine?"
written in chalk on my wall.

my roommate probably thought i was nuts, but it was there for a reason, and for a person: the first person that i really and truly loved. he was, to date, the best boyfriend i've had, and when your best relationship happens at 18 years old, you, my friend, are fucked.

so, despite fact that the majority of pearl jam's lyrics aren't about lost love, they *are* about the human condition, and the struggles that (apparently) a lot of people feel. because i'm not sitting alone in those arenas, stadiums, and theaters. i definitely wasn't alone at madison square garden last may, with tens of thousands of people screaming and singing louder than the band.

i did a project about pearl jam for one of my classes, a storytelling project, and i had to interview 25 people and ask them 25 questions.

question #25 was this:

Which of these words, if any, have led you to Pearl Jam’s music because you can relate to these things and/or have experience with them: pain (emotional or physical or both), feeling like an outsider or misunderstood, dissatisfied, hopeless, alone, seeking a connection?

without question, all 25 people picked almost all of them.

so i'm not alone.

while love may have led me to pearl jam (and has kept me around), pain, dissatisfaction, and feelings of being misunderstood have kept me here, even though i'm part of a community that welcomes me with open arms. in that, i feel a connection.

elsewhere? that's a different story.