i probably shouldn't write while i'm upset, but i feel like this evening was another case in point of someone not understanding me and what i'm going through, and trying to sweep it under the rug because i asked for help that i really didn't want to ask for. every time i feel like i make some progress, someone makes it glaringly apparent that i'm a bother or that they don't think i'm really sick.
trust me, i don't want to think of myself as ill, or having a disease, but that's what this is. there's no 12 step program, no steps to work, no snapping out of it. it's a lonely, isolating, ongoing, day to day, step by step process to strive to be happy, and it is work.
happiness and feeling "normal" shouldn't be this fucking hard. there should be a few moments here and there when you can just...be. hell, i don't even know what happiness is exactly because i don't have the same gauge by which to judge it that other people do. at this point, i can't discern happiness from manic tendencies.
i'm sorry that i suffer from depression.
i'm sorry that i have massive monthly expenses to ensure my continued health and safety.
i'm sorry that my insurance sucks.
i'm sorry that i'm 37 and still need support at times.
i'm sorry if i inconvenience anyone with my illness.
i'm sick and fucking tired of feeling like a pariah, less-than-human, or unworthy of sympathy. i feel like i've made great strides in the past few months, and the only reassurance i get is from my therapist and my psychiatrist (other than my friends who have reached out here, and when i've asked for help).
DEPRESSION IS NOT A CHOICE!!! IF IT WERE, I WOULD'VE DROPPED IT LIKE A BAD HABIT YEARS AGO. IT IS AN ILLNESS. IF YOU DON'T KNOW ABOUT IT, FUCKING EDUCATE YOURSELF, BECAUSE I GUARANTEE SOMEONE IN YOUR LIFE SUFFERS FROM IT.
i've dealt with this for EIGHTEEN YEARS. can you imagine having an illness that has these limitations: you can't talk about it, you can't deal with it publicly, you can't ask for support, and it is used against you with the express purpose of hurting you, knocking you down, and breaking your spirit by people you trust, just because they're angry, guilty, and feel helpless themselves?
nothing says support and understanding like your own mother calling you crazy repeatedly, asking if you've taken your meds when you have a bad day (everyone has them, even when medicated) and referring to you as "having been in the loony bin". wow, thanks for the encouragement, especially since she has depression herself.
i'm also tired of my mother telling people in our family, friends, and mutual acquaintances that i'm crazy, a bad daughter, the root of all her problems, and a deal breaker for her marriage. i haven't so much as raised my voice to her or insulted her, called her a name, or tried to hurt her feelings in almost two years. the same can't be said for her, when (in june) she called me a fucking, g*ddamn c*nt REPEATEDLY in front of my neighbors, and said that she wouldn't "do anything to me (physically) because her husband was there. so you'd have hit me if wasn't there? when i asked her to please stop embarrassing me, she went up to a friend's patio and yelled it louder.
i had no intentions of writing about my mother in this blog, ever, but i would like my side of the story told so that people will stop judging me about things they have no knowledge of. i also want people to know why i have some of the issues i have, and some of the stress i've been under this year.
i'm tired of having to deal with this by myself, i'm tired of people being afraid that i'm contagious (i'm not), or that i'm going to up and lose my shit. i don't yell, i don't take my pain out on others (i reserve that for myself), and i try not to even bother people when i need help, which is what got me so far down this path last december.
i have not had a safe place and no one who has taken me seriously the few times i said i needed help and was afraid. i have been dumped at the ER after overdosing because the person who took me didn't want to wait it out, and she knew it "would take a while" for me to be seen. this isn't just anyone, this is my MOTHER. fantastic support. wouldn't want to inconvenience you.
and people continue to wonder why i struggle with this, how i have virtually no family support, and why i feel so helpless? i'm not normally angry, but enough with this "hiding-it-under the carpet" mentality. i have had enough.
I call it "the curse." There is nothing worse than suffering from Depression. It robs you of your motivation and your happiness. Because it's a mental disease, sufferers often look perfectly healthy. No person can understand truly how difficult it is unless they've been there. I've been there plenty of times too. It's horrible. To add to the suffering, we must deal with people who think we can snap out of it. Better yet, the people who somehow think that anyone really wants to be depressed. Seriously folks, if there was a way to get rid of this curse that I have suffered from since I was a child, I would in a heartbeat. I applaud you April. Your blog shows tremendous courage.
ReplyDeletethank you, gina, for understanding and sharing with me. i'm always here for you, too. i love you. <3
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, and I want to make myself VERY clear: YOU are the strongest woman that I know; the woman that gave birth to you, but has no right to put any claim on 'motherhood', will NEVER be even a fourth of your equal as a human being; you are a Survivor, Sweet Pea, from one moment to the next (no "day by day" - I know your battle is fought from the present moment to the very next moment); AND UNDER NO TERMS SHOULD YOU EVER(!!!) APOLOGIZE FOR SOMETHING THAT YOU HAVE NO CONTROL OVER -- AND SWEET PEA, YOU NEED TO KNOW THIS AS AN ABSOLUTE TRUTH. (I realize that you were venting, but as I have personally felt, you and I both know the feeling of being made to feel guilty over something of which we have no control over -- as you said, some people will just never understand that this is not some type of lifestyle choice -- so, please love, NEVER say you are sorry... no more "sorries" (I am promising, as well, that from this day forth I will never say the 'I'm sorries' either - we are both done with them, yeh?). Now, I do not use the term 'Survivor' lightly, because you are a fighter... you've fought for everything that you have, and you continue to fight in your every waking moment. NOTHING is just 'handed' to you and I'm quite sure that anyone who has spent even five minutes with you knows this just as surely as I do. As I said in the beginning (before all of this bad grammar and I don't know how many misspelled words! :), I want to be very clear, love. YOU are the woman that I look up to, YOU are the heart that keeps mine hoping, YOU are the person I draw strength from... as well as electricity (*smiles*)... YOU are the embodiment of almost every inspirational quote I've ever read or heard. YOU, April. YOU!
ReplyDeleteAnd you need to know that what you are doing here, in this blog that though you could have kept it private, tucked in a journal and out of sight, YOU chose to be selfless and YOU are going to help make so many people feel hopeful, feel that they are not so very alone and that it is not a requirement to stifle themselves for the sake of fitting into 'societal norms'. I am not only proud and honored that you consider me a friend, Sweet Pea, I am saved... I am still HERE... I am loved, unconditionally(!!!)... because of YOU.
(Here's hoping this fits into a 'comment' :)
I love you.
x
Holy crap, having a parent pull that kind of drivel is completely inexcusable. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with it. Like I said before, I've been there and done that with depression and now am very thankful I can fairly handle it. My ear is here any time you like.
ReplyDeletehugs.
beks, it all fit. thank you so much for your support and kind words. i can't sum up here how much you mean to me, and what an amazing woman you are, but *know* that you are. you are my inspiration (and electricity), too. i love you unconditionally all ways and always. xoxoxo
ReplyDeletethanks, soli. xoxo
ReplyDeleteI know how difficult it is to get through tough times with little to no emotional support. It's something that we can never forget, no matter how much we try to move past it. How much would it take just to be a calming presence, put your arms around your daughter, and hold her while she cries? It doesn't seem that it would take much energy or effort, but it's something we'll never have. I'm sorry that you've had such a rough time lately and that you haven't had the support that you've needed.
ReplyDeleteSaying all of that, though, having to rely on yourself has made you very strong. You're a survivor, girl, and you're going to make it through anything that comes your way. I wish there was something I could do to take the pain away so that you would not have to suffer at all, or to change your mother for you and make her the person that you need, but since I can't, I can only offer you my support and friendship. Keep doing what you're doing - I think you are making the best of your life and carrying on. What an example for others who are suffering in the clutches of depression. <3