easier to lie

probably not as well-known as some of the other titles i've used, but a great song by aqualung.

okay, i know that celebrities can't be honest about alllll the things they do to make themselves beautiful, but i'm not sure why they so blatantly lie when the changes are clearly obvious. is it because we're supposed to believe that they were all born that gorgeous, put together, and perfect, and that we, as mere mortals, can't even compete because we'll never be of that stature?

is it because they're mostly actors and paid to 'lie' in a sense; or are they delusional and think no one will notice that they have a new face? whatever the case may be, all you have to do is look at the pictures magazines find of these people in high school, or star magazine, where they're sans make up, to know that no one looks that fantastic naturally, or when they roll out of bed.

well, very few people. also, if i had hair and make up people, a stylist, a trainer, a chef, and spent three hours getting ready, i'd look pretty freaking good, too.

the last few weeks, my wrath has been directed at kim kardashian. yes, i watch all her stupid shows. why? no idea. but she keeps claiming that she's "super honest" about whether she's had plastic surgery, and that she hasn't had any work done. her proof is that she had botox injections on the show, so she's willing to admit what she's changed about her appearance.

OMG, don't get me started. first of all, all you have to do is look at pictures of her over the years to know that she's had at least two nose jobs.

this person
<---- does not look like this person ---->















granted, she's wearing make up in the picture on the right, but still, come *on*! and i'm not the only one who posits this theory. i found this online:



gotta love the internet.

















and as far as the boobs are concerned, which she claimed on CNN the other night are "100% real."

whatever...













the latest adjustment is her lips, which were already significantly full are now even bigger. her excuse? she had the flu. um, what? yes, that is her excuse: she had the flu and it made her lips puffier. first of all, this doesn't even make any sense.

last i checked, your lips don't swell up when you're throwing up for days, have a fever, and don't eat. second, that was like a month ago, and they're still ginormous!! that must be some killer flu that's hanging on for years. despite the fact that she has been trooping all over the country, promoting her new show, in full make up and trampily dressed (as usual), she hasn't so much as sneezed.

one last point. as any woman can tell you, when you lose weight, the first place it goes is usually in your boobs and your butt; most often the places you don't really want to lose it. now kim has lost like 15 lbs. in the last year or so, and her boobs and ass are still *huge*.

she gets thinner and her boobs and butt are the same size? not possible. i'm not even going to address the rumors that she had butt implants because if she did, she's even dumber than i already think.

claiming that big asses are an "armenian thing" doesn't work, either. she's only half armenian, as are her two sisters, and neither one of them is built like her. yes, genes are strange and selective, but both her sisters had small breasts, and the one who doesn't any more admits she had implants. the other one, who is somewhat heavy, doesn't have that shelf ass that kim does. and how anyone finds that attractive, i have no idea.

really, i could set my drink on that.


and don't even get me started on the hair extensions. grow your own damn hair!!!

changes

yes, a song title once again...

this may sound stupid, but i think i'm addicted to tv. i looooooove watching tv. it's in my genes. my parents watch a *lot* of tv; my dad not so much as when i was a kid, but still, i've had a set in my room since i was nine years old. i can't even fall asleep without it on because it drowns out all the shit in my head.

i watch entirely too much tv, it's too quiet when it's off, my apartment lacks animation and life that phoenix and grayson can't replace, and i absolutely can't miss an episode of any show that i watch, so i DVR everything.

i don't understand why i get so attached to fictional characters. granted, i realize that i'm not the only one who does this, but i was thinking about it last night. there are several tv shows that were i used to watch and were canceled or ended, and i was really disappointed every time.

maybe it's the consistency and schedule of knowing that i have something that i'm guaranteed to like, and will never let me down...unless there's a state of the union speech, or it's gonna snow, or some moron sent a bomb to a building downtown...*then* it gets interrupted, but the networks have finally realized that they need to plan for things like presidential events in advance. and they *do* show severe weather updates during commercials now, not during the show...

in the grand scheme of things, who cares about fictitious people and plots? they're not real, i'm not losing a friend, it's just a story made up by someone who's being paid to make up stories. although, every time i watch 'titanic', i'm like, "why does he have to DIE?!?" sad. just sad.

anyway, i've been trying to maintain some semblance of a schedule since the fall. because i'm done with coursework, and only have independent study classes, i was afraid that i wouldn't do anything; that my depression would suck me back in, and i'd spend six months on the couch, watching (what else?) the freaking tv.

actually, i've had a lot of things going on, and i feel very fulfilled and busy in my life. and my life is getting in the way of school. i went to a seminar/class on productive writing today, in preparation for starting my dissertation in a few months.

that is probably the most daunting thing i've written today. holy hell.

*deep breaths*

although i'm only reading and taking notes, collecting research here and there, i'm not writing yet, but the class was really helpful. i also found out that all the techniques i use to procrastinate (doing dishes, laundry, organizing, multitasking) are very common, so i don't feel like a complete slacker. and hey, my apartment is always clean. not that it was ever dirty before, but moving on...

i'm going to set up some new guidelines and structures around watching tv, reading, taking notes, and running errands. school is my primary job, and i need to treat it as such. if i don't feel good, and need to take the day off, then i better make up for it on the weekend or in the evening.

when i had classes with real life professors, i studied ALL the time. i busted my ass for school, and i need to get back to that. well, not completely, because i did nothing but study and work, but i need a focused mindset.

so bye bye shows that i really don't care about. bye bye to finding new shows just so i never run out of things to watch. bye bye stupid gossip "news" and repetitive celebrity crap. bye bye to washing clothes, cleaning cabinets, touching up the paint on my walls, and sweeping all at the same time.

qualifying exam preparation, i surrender to you. i am now at your mercy for the next ten weeks. omg, that is not *nearly* enough time...

i'm only sleeping

yes, still keeping with the song title/lyric theme. let's see how long i can keep that going.

so, i sat down at my laptop to write a blog, and the only thing i can focus on is how exhausted i am. i mean, so tired that it hurts to type. i'm not sure why i'm soooo tired. i slept really well last night, other than being woken up by phoenix (once or twice, i can't even remember). maybe the lack of sleep for two weeks is catching up with me?

the thought of going to take a bath makes me want to cry, but i'm going. i just want to curl up in a ball and collapse. this is not the most interesting blog, but i'm trying to write every day after taking two weeks off. oh, and i went to the chiropractor today, who explained what's going on with my back, so i feel somewhat better about that.

okay, i'm starting to yell at my neighbors (who hopefully can't hear me) for stomping up the stairs like a herd of elephants, which makes phoenix bark, which makes me crazy. time to go.

please let me sleep...

good night. xoxo

smells like teen spirit

i keep hoping, or at the very least thinking, that people will mature over time. you'd think that the petty, gossipy behavior of teenagers wouldn't continue for the entire lifespan, but that doesn't seem to be the case. too much of life seems to be based on popularity and ass kissing, instead of ability and merit.

i'm trying to avoid this crap, as well as the people involved, as much as possible, but sometimes it's unavoidable. what is extremely maddening is when the situation involves me or something i'm involved in, and i'm forced to be annoyed. can't we all just grow up a *little* and stop acting on our insecure need to be liked by the "popular crowd" and accepted by all?

the fact is, not everyone is going to like you. and a lot of people in this world are stupid and not worth your time, anyway. and this whole social class issue (among groups where it's totally unnecessary and ridiculous) needs to stop. yes, there are different classes in our society, but i don't think a group of five people needs a hierarchy and someone to put in the corner on a regular basis...or maybe they do.

another thing i thought would go disappear as i got older is the tendency for women to throw their friends under the bus when a boy comes around. i'm in my 30s, people, and have friends who are also in their 30s; these dumb girls blow me off, cancel plans, and don't even make time for me. however, they *will* spend every free minute they have, and sometimes every day of the week with some boy (not even a boyfriend, just a potential).

totally. stupid.

yet another case of insecurity and an exaggerated need to be loved. how about loving yourself, taking care of your friends, and realizing that having a boy in your life is *not* the end all, be all?
rearranging your life and clinging isn't going to make him more interested, keep him from straying, or ensure that the relationship forms and continues.

if anything, you look desperate and lonely, and like you have NO friends, because if you *did*, wouldn't you spend *some* time with them?

who do you think is going to be there for you when your heart gets broken? your friends.

and who will have most likely broken your heart? the boy.

but no, keep doing what you're doing. good luck.

back to you

wow, it's been a while since i've blogged. i've thought of topics to write about, but that's about as far as it got. a big part of my absence can be attributed to the fact that i've been in almost constant pain for the last two weeks (at least), and i felt semi-paralyzed for about three of those days. i figured i'd write about what's going on with regard to my back and all that...

i had an MRI done on january 13, and got a call from the nurse the next day that i needed to come in asap to get my results and my first "treatment", some kind of nerve block thing that entails me being semi-unconscious and my doctor injecting cortisone into my spine.

fun. fun. fun.

so, i went to the doctor on january 21; first opening, even though i was about to pull out my hair because of the pain from about january 17 till then. the MRI showed that not only do i have arthritis (knew that), i have stenosis (swelling of the spinal cord, gross), TWO bulging disks, pinched nerves in my neck, and a hairline fracture in my lowest vertebra. um, wtf?

i haven't really drunk (drank?) milk in a year or two (my memory is going to hell in a hand basket at this point), but i take calcium and vitamins every day. unless someone kicked me in the back (not that i'm aware of), or i fell on my ass (totally plausible) and don't remember (highly unlikely), i have no idea how that happened.

the doctor did say that being in two car accidents probably did enough damage to cause the arthritis, but the rest of it is just a deterioration of my body, pretty much.

okay, the procedure: this time cervical, and soon enough, lumbar. let me preface all of this by saying that i have a HIGH pain tolerance, and i'm not afraid of needles. hello, have you seen my tattoo? i can obviously deal. i also have had a bunch of piercings. however, i freaking HATE (what's up with all the caps today?) IVs. the first time i had to have one, i was 28, and already had a major phobia that i had worked up.

i've also had traumatic IV experiences almost every time. the first one was when i had appendicitis, and when the nurse put *that* IV in, i couldn't stop throwing up...and she didn't have a bucket, or a trashcan, or a pan, or anything. i had to throw up in one of those bags they give you for your belongings. i almost suffocated while throwing up. to this day, i can't eat fried rice. probably more info than you bargained for.

past that, after i had my appendix out, the IV malfunctioned, was in too long, or my veins were full because my entire arm and hand swelled up with fluid. dis-gusting. enter the masochistic nurse at 4 am, who came in to make sure i was alive and give me pain killers, saw the sausage that was my arm, and decided to rip the tape off against the hair growth (OUCH), then yanked it out.

no, i'm not exaggerating. at this point, i was sobbing. btw, i asked for pain killers before this little performance, and she told me i had to wait till after. why; was my arm going to fall off? no, and if it *was*, give me the drugs first!

one more IV story: i had one in my arm that was disconnected from the drip, but had to be left in my arm overnight "just in case" i bled to death while having the packing pulled out of my face. it itched *so* badly, i almost ripped it out myself.

wow, lots of personal medical info here. my poor body has been sufficiently altered since birth.

*back to 2011 and back injection*

so, nurse ratched comes in and tries to put an IV in the BACK OF MY HAND. why? i have a good 12 inches of arm she could stick it in. actually, 24 inches (two arms). she jabbed, and jabbed, and jabbed that needle while i looked the other way. yes, i was crying. wouldn't you?

the bitch even gave me a hard time about getting the IV because i have tattoos. in her mind, that means i should like pain? i'm not afraid of needles, but i don't want to see them entering my body. i have to lay down when i have blood taken or get a shot. hell, i even have to lay down when i get a tattoo, so i don't faint or throw up.

bitchy nurse finally gave up, and a nicer woman came over and put the IV in the crook of my arm where there are veins larger than a thread. they wheeled me in to the procedure room, and gave me "twilight". it's a type of anesthesia, but you're still conscious.

despite that, you feel super-drugged up, and it's a little amnesiac. before the injection, they stuck me in the back with something to numb the area; that hurt a bit. i didn't feel the injection at all, and it seemed to go by really quickly.

i spent the weekend drugged up (finally, pain killers that may not kill the pain, but at least knock me out) and immobile. i had to sleep in my living room chair for a few nights because every time my melon of a head is sideways, the flower stalk that is my neck felt like it was going to break.

the good news is that my mid-back (thoracic) is okay, because apparently that's the most difficult part to treat. anyway, three days later the stabbing pain is mostly gone, but my back still feels like someone stomped on it. it'll be a week or two before i feel the full effects.

and just think, in eleven days i get to do this all over again...

something's missing

i doubt anyone noticed, but this blog title is also a song title. i did that before with "caring is creepy". i'm thinking about doing a whole month of music-themed titles, just to amuse myself and to describe my feelings or what i'm writing about. i think you get the point of this entry.

anyway, that song pretty much sums up how i'm feeling lately. i feel like i have sorted out a lot of things in my life. i'm at peace with my relationships with family and friends; even if they're not ideal, i can live with them for now and be okay. i'm motivated about school and doing what i need to be doing.

when i think back to what was going on a year ago and how i felt, i feel like a greatly revised/improved/upgraded person...april 2.0

but still "something's missing, and i don't know how to fix it." because of this, i feel restless and out of sorts in a way. i'm not looking for drama or chaos, a little excitement maybe; something to look forward to.

i'm also struggling a bit with the fact that i want to talk to someone, in order to repair a situation that was good, but went bad. i feel like i acted quickly at the time because i was dealing with my own life-threatening and sanity-based issues, and i didn't have the capacity to fix anyone else. not that i ever *want* to be in that position, but i was asked to be.

anyway, i'd like to talk to this person because i do feel like i'm different. i'd like to apologize and see how he's doing; i miss him and hope he's okay. i've tried to reach out several times in the 11 months since we talked, and he's been unresponsive. no email, text, or phone call telling me to f*ck off, just...silence. i don't want to inflict any pain on this person, we were great friends before all this went down, and i'm really concerned about his general well-being.

but i can't force someone to talk to me. i can't make someone respond or reciprocate, and if i make any further efforts, i feel like i'm invading his personal/emotional space, even though i emailed and said that if he didn't want me to contact him again, to let me know, and he didn't.

part of me wonders if he's punishing me in some way by ignoring me. i know that he was hurt, i don't know if he still is (i hope not), but i don't know if he would be vindictive and hurtful in return. maybe because i *do* feel at peace with everything else in my life, i want to fix this, too.

i think one of the worst things you can do to a person, i mean without physically assaulting him/her, is to shut the person out of your life. you are left with no answers and many questions.

i don't believe in closure, but i'd like to be at peace with this person. maybe i'm just being selfish, and trying to find what's missing.

tired video blog #2

here ya go...and not the most flattering pic to start.

motivated

i've been working on school stuff all day. i've done a ton of reading notes, read some, and feel really productive after three days of not being able to do anything other than go to the chiropractor, sleep in a chair, drowsily watch tv, and take a bath.

i've started stressing about my qualifying exams in the past few weeks, and i'm trying *really* hard not to worry. i really don't want to start a countdown of how many months, days, weeks, hours until i have to take them. i'm trying to focus on what i need to do now - prepare - and practice mindfulness and living in the present moment.

another struggle that i'm having today (and can't rid myself of) seems to be the fact that i'm aggravated and annoyed with almost *everyone* i've had to deal with. i don't know what's up, but i'm really tired of trying to be a good friend, trying to do what's best, and having it thrown back in my face. why ask for my help if you're going to turn around and do the exact opposite, knowing that it's the *worst* f-ing thing you could possibly do?!?

i don't understand how, or why, people will put up with such misery in order to avoid being alone. if you're by yourself, at least you know you only have to deal with one crazy, screwed up person...and you never have to share the remote.

and i have a sneaking suspicion, although i could be paranoid, that someone is spying on me again...FML.

i would blog...

*disclaimer* i wrote this on 1/5/11, and although i thought it posted, it didn't...

but i really don't want to. i'm in so much pain, so frustrated that nothing makes it better, i can't sleep, i can't move, i can't do anything but try not to let it get to me, and that wall is wearing thin.

quick

i had a horrible day today. horrible. i won't list all the things that pissed me off, went wrong, or almost caused an anxiety attack...or seven. i will say that i saw major improvements in how i handled the situations, and myself.

yes, i was frustrated, and anxious, and angry, but i managed to calm myself down. by myself. i vented to my dad for about five minutes, listing the things that happened (but not going into great detail or dragging it out endlessly), i did deep breathing exercises every time i wanted to scream or freak out, and i have recovered completely.

i got a lot done today, and despite all the obstacles, i was able to keep going when i really just wanted to go home, take something for my anxiety, and go to bed. yes, i still have bad days, and i should have known this would happen given i had a string of good days, but my ability to bounce back and be less affected has greatly improved.

yay, proud of me. : )

stuff

i started reading a new buddhism book about how to apply eastern principles to a western civilization. one of the first things the book discusses is the difference between having and being.

having is defined, in short, as accumulating things in life to prove your value or make you happy. being is basically living your life with the goal of existing in a contented state, free of outward restraints.

people seem to be really caught up in having: objects, things, material possessions, and not so concerned with their everyday life and whether they are contributing to the world in some way.

i see a lot of people who have so much "stuff", and keep accumulating things they don't need, just want, as a means of making themselves happy. and it's not just the buying, it's keeping random junk in drawers, cabinets, garages, and then having to move because you've run out of places to keep everything.

is there some contest for collecting random crap that i'm not aware of? i don't even like to buy books anymore, and i looooove books. hello library, unless i'm going to read the thing more than once. and yes, i'm aware that george carlin did a whole bit on "stuff".

there seems to be this cultural belief that material possessions can bring you happiness, or that having found "that special someone" can make your life complete. there are so many shows about hoarding and quests to find a mate, it's obviously something that our society is consumed with on some level.

in discussing having, the author of this particular buddhism book states that there is a certain level of anxiety associated with anything that you acquire because there is always the risk of losing it. whether it be another person, a car, your favorite sweater, anything that exists outside of you has the potential to disappear, leave, get lost.

happiness can only truly come from inside of you, and it's not easy, but at the end of the day, at the end of your life, *you* are the only thing that you will always possess. you are the only one who will take care of you, who can meet your needs.

better make sure that what lies within you is what's making you happy, because money can't buy it.

lucky

i feel very blessed today, and as free from drama as i have in a long time. although i've had some things creep up in the last few weeks, big things, i've been able to let go after the event, and work through the problem in my head. i've been thinking a *lot* and i feel much more at peace.

unfortunately, the people around me have been struggling and going through some shit the past few days, but i've been able to help and be supportive, and give back to those who selflessly give to me. i tend to pick up the energy of people around me, but i've been fighting it off, staying positive, encouraging happy thoughts. i woke up giddy and excited. what the hell?

i'm sure the tides will turn as they tend to do; for every up there's a down. for now, i'm going to relish the fact that i feel good, satisfied, complete, at peace.

"You and me,
We know about time.
We know how things go,
They come and go,
They live and grow,
They pass and go,
And glow and glow,
Up and down,
High and low..."