(i can't) enjoy the silence...

normally, i'm okay by myself.  i've lived alone for the majority of my adult life, but oddly enough, i've lived with at least one other person (other than phoenix and grayson) for the last year and a half.  now i don't.



well, phoenix and grayson are here...until grayson's attempt to assassinate phoenix edges closer to success, then it's buh-bye kitty.  not really, but if i don't threaten him, he doesn't have an excuse to try and shred the carpet, and then he loses his sense of purpose and life goals.

it's really quiet in here. i used to have to have music or the tv on all the time, but i got into the habit of having them off and not being uncomfortable because i didn't need the noise.  i felt good in my skin, doing my thing, without having a distraction that was clouding my thoughts. i could focus without *trying* not to hear what was in my head.

then, i got into the habit of being alone with someone else, in the quiet. i had never really done that before; there was always some form of distraction most times that we interacted.  i'm just now realizing that. however, in this new world, i could at least *feel* the presence of another person, and didn't crave the sound of a laugh track in the background that would force conversation.

now that person is gone...by my choice...and i know with every ounce of my being (what a cliche) that it's the right, and best, thing to do.  being with someone who's not only incredibly emotionally unhealthy, but also tears me down and resents my very existence because i've managed to do something with my life, and NOT exist solely as a drug addict, is NOT someone i want to be with.

imagine how that person would behave when i do something noteworthy, like work on my education, pay off my car, or love something someone else, like a dog, for instance.  how can anyone be jealous of phoenix? have you seen him? if he were any sweeter, he'd be lollipop, and i'm sorry, but someone who's been with me *every* minute of *every* day for almost nine years deserves not only an incredible amount of loyalty, belly rubs, and cookies, but a prize for "the longest-extended-stay-with-an-insane-person-without-succumbing-to-such-insanity" award.

nor do i deserve to be treated so badly by anyone, and why the hell would i want to be with someone like that in the first place?  anyway, that's an entire blog by itself.

"sometimes i guess there just aren't enough rocks..."

i can't stand the quiet right now.  it sounds strange, but it reinforces the fact that i'm alone...not alone, lonely.  there were a lot of times when i was with him and even lonelier than i am now, but i guess i could somehow, in my warped mind, figure out a way to spin it into something else, or have hope that it was just a moment, a phase, that there was *something* i could do that would make him realize that he has potential and goals, and that even if no one else in the entire world thinks he's worthwhile, i'm willing to love him as much as i can, if he'd just do three things: be nice, tell me the truth, and respect me.

i think those are pretty basic, required elements in any relationship.  was i asking for too much?

when i'm out, sometimes i just *want* to be home because it's comfortable, and i can eat cookie dough without people staring, and wear sweatpants 24/7, if i want to...but after awhile being home alone is starting to feel like solitary confinement to me. i'm trapped in a box with limited options, and because i am the way i am, i don't reach out, i don't speak, i withdraw, and i wither.

what's even worse is that i can't really listen to music right now, either. so much has been going on emotionally that the songs i like make me cry, and i mostly listen to songs with sad lyrics anyway, so i'm pretty much screwed.  i also associate songs with time periods, and i don't *want* to remember most of the right now. i don't want to ruin my music...so i have the tv on pretty much allll the time, even when i'm sleeping.   i've re-watched almost all five seasons of 'mad men' in less than a week.

it's netflix all night long...even if i wake up, and the tv show/movie i was watching is over, i pick another one.  i can't tell you how many charles manson documentaries i've watched...someone with some sense of sanity and desire to sleep would just close her eyes and drift off, or watch something that *isn't* about mass murderers.  not me.  i can't fall back asleep in the quiet...that's when the wheels start to spin.

in the last six or eight months, i started taking showers after always taking baths...my entire life...and now i'm back to baths because i have to be able to hear the tv.  i can't even handle twenty minutes of relaxing under a steaming stream of water without getting anxious.

hell, i drag my laptop into the bathroom and hook it up to the stereo so it's loud enough.  i don't think i want to hear what's going on in my head because i don't want to deal with it, most of which i already have, but somehow, i seem to need to masochistically process it yet again.

having someone who's intermittently in your life, in an unhealthy way almost always, who's on the brink of self-destruction and buried in self-hatred is horrible.  i've mourned this person's life, and anticipated his death, countless times.  it's exhausting, but i feel responsible in some way for keeping him from completely disintegrating.

i've felt like his lifeline too many times and for too long to just shut it off, especially when i know that that's the worst thing i could do...because he won't learn. there will never be a cliff too high to fall from.  there will never be a depth too low to sink to.  every one of his painful, humiliating, self-defeating behaviors will be blamed on my absence.

to him, i'm a traitor.
to me, i'm trying to thrive, instead of just surviving.

i know it's not my job, but i also know that there's no one left to care for him...not really.  too many bridges have been burned, and it's too late to salvage much of anything.  letting go of hope is one of the most difficult things to do, but i think that's what i'm trying to ignore...because i know it must be done, and i don't want to.  i don't know how let someone just suffocate under the weight of his own existence.

as cold as some people may think that i am, it couldn't be further from the truth.  it never seems to occur to people, even those who know me, that there are reasons i put up walls...there are reasons i don't let you in...there are reasons i run away...and it's not because i'm heartless or cruel.  it's self protection, plain and simple.  i'm more sensitive than almost anyone could realize, and letting down someone i love, being crushed, not doing my absolute best, sends my self-worth into a spiral, so sometimes it's safer just to hide.

people are going to believe what they want, so you might as well do what's good for you, anyway.

the voice in my head that tells me that this situation is completely unfixable, there's no hope, nothing left to lose, every reason to let go.  it's like living a small death - the death of hope and possibility - every time i think about the fact that he has no one, no money, no place to go, no real friends, no future because every time something good comes together, he tears it to shreds that much harder...i can't breathe.

you'd think that after this long, the voice would have become soundless white noise, but it's so loud i want to scream...so i turn on another sound...a sound of someone else's life that i can deal with, for now...it may not be mine, but it will let me avoid looking into the eyes of a death i cannot fathom or imagine...for just a little while longer...


"i'll never understand my heart..."

ill communication

so many of our interactions and relationships are dictated by communication. if you're completely lacking in the ability to express how you feel, you're bound to have problems in your interpersonal relationships.

it seems like a lot of people, at least in my experience, don't know how to say what they feel, or else are too scared of the repercussions, so they don't say anything at all, or wait until it's too late.

telling someone how you feel runs the risk of contempt, anger, ridicule, or worse: dead, empty silence.

i think i'm pretty good at telling people how i feel, thank you years of therapy, and i'm not afraid to tell someone that i like him, love her, think he's amazing. this doesn't just apply to romantic situations, but to my friends and family as well. does anyone ever get tired of hearing how much she matters, and how much someone loves him? i don't think so.

i also think that my lack of fear in this particular arena scares people. i don't expect what i say to be reciprocated; this isn't something i do in order to have the favor returned. life is short, and people seem so ready to complain (i know i do), bitch about their boy/girlfriends, family, why not be just as eager to say something nice, not only about that person, but *to* him as well?

another thing about communication: if you and another person are unable to talk to each other, if it almost seems like you're speaking different languages, it can be the death of whatever you have. i've been in these conversations...where i looked at the other person (almost always a guy, sorry) and wondered if he was even speaking english, our signals were so crossed. i couldn't even begin to wrap my brain around what the hell was coming out of his mouth.

i've also gotten so flustered and upset that i can't decipher what we're talking about. i realized a few years ago that when i get really emotional, especially during a "conversation" (fine, argument), my memory of the discussion almost completely disappears. i literally cannot tell you what i said two minutes ago, or what the other person said. my emotions overtake everything else.

so what do you do when you've known someone for a considerable length of time, and you realize that maybe a major problem all along, one of the main problems, is that person #1 hasn't been listening/didn't understand what person #2 was saying, leading person #2 to live in a constant state of frustration and snap at the smallest snub, leaving person #1 angry and feeling attacked a lot of the time?

at the beginning, in the middle, and at the end of this, both people have been unable to cross that divide, and unable to cut ties, either. see, *this* is why i hardly ever blog on fridays.

life is entirely too complicated...

stupid

great song by
sarah mcicanneverrememberhowtospellherlastname...



i say this as a precursor to what is to follow, not as an arrogant statement, but as something that i have been told ever since i can remember: i'm an intelligent person.

growing up, my mom stressed *that* more than anything else, so it's something i've always valued and striven (strove? neither of those sounds correct, so much for the "intelligent" claim) for. she would tell me that i was beautiful, and funny, and blah blah blah, but intellect was of the highest esteem in our house.

having gotten that out of the way, i don't consider myself to be a dumb person, either; therefore, i don't quite understand why it is SO fucking difficult for me to learn certain lessons. i'm not an idiot, i put up with very little bullshit, and i'm pretty good at reading people.

i'm very upfront and open, but not in a tactless, brutal way; i just know what i want. i've been told by others that i'm brave, and thinking back, i guess i am.

so, WTF is wrong with me that i need to be smacked upside the head at least a dozen times (theoretically speaking) in order to learn a lesson that i've *already* learned 100 times before? apparently, i *didn't* learn it, or i wouldn't have to learn it again...

this doesn't apply to everything, mind you, mostly to situations involving how i'm treated by other people and what i'll allow in a relationship, be it friend, family, or boy.

other things in life, such as social etiquette, song lyrics, the birthdays of everyone i meet, *these* things i can commit to memory when i'm barely conscious. tell me your birthday, it's in there for life.

i can, however, also remember things that are vital, such as: always wash your hands after touching anything spicy, especially if you're going to stick your fingers in your eye. that's an important one.

i don't know if this (stubborn? we'll call it stubborn) behavior is something that is *so* deeply ingrained in me, it'll take years to slough off, but i want it gone...immediately...without question...buh bye.

i'm too old to blame my upbringing, and i've had enough therapy to know that i have other options and that it would be in my best interest to select one of *those*. they say that insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting a different outcome. i guess that fits in this instance...not that i consider myself insane, but whatever.

the proverbial "they" also say that a person won't change his patterns/behaviors unless they stop working for him. an asshole will always be an asshole if he's happy with the end result of his efforts; he has absolutely NO reason to change.

clearly, some of my patterns aren't working for me, and i need to find a few new ones. i wish they had a manual, something like "WHAT TO DO WHEN YOUR SUBCONSCIOUSLY SELF-DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIOR MANIFESTS ITSELF INTO A CONSCIOUS ONE: HOW TO PICK A SELF-EMPOWERING BEHAVIOR! (GUARANTEED RESULTS IN 30 DAYS, OR YOUR MONEY BACK)".

i do know that i have to change. admitting you have a problem is the first step, but apparently just knowing that i do dumb shit, and that i'll end up hurt, disappointed, and feeling like i need to take a chlorox shower isn't enough of an incentive for me. and neither is getting theoretically knocked upside the head.

maybe i need a *literal* whack to the head...

weight of it all

matt nathanson...

i'm not sure what is going on, but this week i have *very* little ability to deal with anything good or bad, mostly bad. actually, i know part of what's going on: new moon, two months worth of SAT lessons and prep in a total of *maybe* 24 hours (which is an intellectual mind suck, to say the least), two days of training, very little sleep, lots of things on my mind, figuring out my new work schedule, stressing about the loss of my insurance, grayson almost broke my foot this morning, nerves are still acting up, i'm wondering if my 90 supply of meds will get here before my current supply runs out, trying to plan my research trip, and i can't remember *anything* and i need to make decisions that affect other people, so having some semblance of intellect or ability to plan/decide would be very helpful.

jesus, what next?

i can deal with a *lot* of shit, but i'm just burned out. i need about a 72 hour nap...straight through...no getting up, no dealing with the kids or FB or drama or parents or work or thinking or moving or pain or planning or money problems or emotions or scheduling.

what's strange is that i'm not worrying about a lot of those things because there's absolutely nothing i can do. i am powerless to control 99% of what happens in my life. i have thrown my proverbial hands up in the air. all i can control is myself.

however, my emotions are still there, i can't shut them off. the best i can do is refrain from acting out negatively. however, they've been weighing on me enough that i can barely stand up...i need to lay down.

i'm exhausted, i need a vacation, a break from reality. i was supposed to be out of town this week, and that fell the hell apart, so now i have to wait until july 5th.

awesome.

i may not make it.

i'd go to bed now, but it's night 2 of 3 of celebrating the bestie's birthday and i can't miss it. plus, the stupid fucking mavericks are playing and i can't miss that. fine, bed at 11, sleep till i meet my friend at 1:30 tomorrow?

i wish.

in my life

the blessed beatles...

ugh, i'm trying so hard to take the high road, and do what's best for me, but what the hell? the road is getting lower and lower, and i'm doing my best to resist.

the bestie and i got into a discussion tonight about connections, "psychic connections", or those that resonate deeply and seem to bind two people through no force that can be explained or verified. she and i share this link; i don't know if it's because we've known each other since 1980, or because we're just naturally in sync, but we're in each other's heads a lot, and more often than not when i text her, she is picking up the phone to text me (or vice versa).

i also have this "link" with my mom. i didn't even realize it until i was in my early 20s and she said that ever since i was a kid, i had the ability to read her mind. she'd think of something she'd promised me, and out of nowhere, i'd mention it (her internal response, "shit! i thought she had forgotten.")

as i've gotten older, i've paid more attention to this type of phenomenon, and anything that may be sixth sense-related, i.e. the ghost issue. i've had similar intuitions and experiences with close friends, my sisters, but i can't think of one guy, really.

except one...the person that i'm trying to eradicate all feelings for.

son of a bitch.

he and i clicked instantaneously; looking back, it was almost like a car crash: forceful, dangerous, and too fast to do anyone any good. within a few days he was able to get inside my head and say what i was thinking without even trying. i seemed to read him in a similar fashion, i thought.

i was at ease from the get go, in ways it normally takes months for me to feel comfortable. the synchronicity was intense and instant, like an elastic band effortlessly snapping into place. i think that's why this person is so embedded in my thoughts. i feel like we're connected somehow, and how do you break a connection with someone?

i haven't talked to my mom in about 50 weeks (not that i'm counting), but i thought about her over the weekend, and had an overwhelming desire to contact her, for absolutely *no* reason, and trust me, i pondered it quite a bit...not much else you can do when you're drugged up, in pain, and icing your entire lower body. i didn't do it because logically, i had no reason to do so, and i was able to recognize that.

i had to run an errand today, and i was about 1/2 a mile from her house. out of nowhere, i felt like i had to, *had* to go to her house *immediately*. it was a visceral, almost physical pull to turn my car around. i came so close, but then i had a moment of rational thought, and realized that it was a bad idea.

instantly, i started crying, even while singing. i couldn't help it; i was sad...sad for what i've lost, what i've always wanted, and what i'll never have. i think that's another reason i've felt overwhelmed and lost the past few days: i'm not sure where this primal mother-craving instinct is coming from, and it's throwing me for a loop. i worked through this months ago, but then again, i also heard my biological clock ticking like a time bomb the other day, so maybe that's a contributing factor.

i feel like my distance from my mom is equivalent to an addict or an alcoholic in recovery. our relationship is that much of a toxic (at this point) and unhealthy influence in my life; i don't want to lose my 350something days of sobriety. luckily, i've had the presence of mind to refrain from acting on wild impulses.

i'm trying to apply those skills to other areas of my life. i *know* there are ways to implement them, and if i could just have the willpower to do so, i'd be much better off. the thing is, part of me doesn't want to; part of me wants to cave, to give in, to feel that bond of understanding and shorthand, regardless of the repercussions. hell, it took 30+ years to break up with my mom, but then again, she's my mom. she literally grew me in her body like a pod.

that's the selfish, masochistic part of me that aches to be understood and unquestioned in what i value, the part of me that is tired of having to defend what i'm passionate about, and just wants to be unconditionally accepted. i think everyone has that desire.

if i've learned anything in the past year, however, it's that a bond with someone isn't necessarily healthy or in my best interest. i figured out a long time ago that just because someone has been in my life for decades doesn't mean they belong here; some people outgrow you, and you outgrow some people.

so i ask you: how do you break a connection with someone? i honestly have no idea...

over and out

title? back to the foos...

seriously, how many times can someone be inconsiderate, selfish, immature, and emotionally retarded before i just say 'fuck it' and walk away? it used to be quite a few. sorry, but that's what i knew and how i chose to live my life. i thought i'd stopped that shit, but apparently i need to be smacked in the head a few more times, humiliated, and become a nervous wreck before i give up.

i've tried being nice, i've tried telling this person how i feel (no acknowledgement, instead he/she ignored everything i said because to acknowledge would mean an adult, SOBER conversation), i've tried to be understanding, i've tried to elicit a positive emotion or some semblance of a mature response, but i'm done. if you can't even admit that you contacted me because you wanted to talk to me/say hi, wtf is wrong with you?

hell, wtf is wrong with me?

this person does *not* deserve any more excuses or coddling from me, or by me. i don't wish this individual any harm, but i can't have this behavior in my life. if you're going to be self-destructive and kill every good thing in your life, i refuse to be a casualty. i wanted to be there, i wanted to love you, but you sabotaged everything.

i read my tarot cards last night, and while some people don't believe them, i do (or i probably wouldn't be reading them, duh), and they were right on the money...eerily so.

this person is in the way of where i need to go with my life; this person has betrayed me and lied to me, involving a third party; i want a happy resolution, but that particular outcome is still up in the air. i think after today it's on the ground and buried. i wish the situation were different, but things feel broken beyond repair.

i've also been feeling *extremely* overwhelmed and emotionally overloaded the past few days, and i'm really not sure why. the weekend was pretty uneventful, but i feel like i'm under so much pressure: financial, academic, job, family. i guess when you add all that up, feeling overwhelmed is an appropriate response. however, i deal with all that shit on a daily basis, and pretty much shrug it off, or deal with it and get over it.

i know that being in incredible pain since i had the rhizotomy done last week isn't helping. i'm supposed to have about six months without pain once it "takes effect", but in the meantime i feel like i'm making up for that lost time now. my entire lower body feels like i'm alternately getting zapped with electrodes, poked with forks, hit with a sledge hammer, or dragged behind a car. when pain is bad enough to make me cry, it's really, really bad.

i'm not exaggerating; i wish i were.

anyway, the original point of this post (removing myself from a situation that has been adding grief, pain, and frustration to my life) is that i have to take care of myself. i have too much going on to have someone treat me so poorly, and obviously neither of us should be in the other's life.


sadly, despite the remnants of affection i feel for this person, i'm out.

(your head holds gold) your heart holds diamonds

in keeping with the theme of song titles for blog titles, this is a bob schneider song, but good luck finding the lyrics. they're nowhere online.

yep, i wrote a few weeks ago, and thought that i'd keep it up, but there have been a few things going on that i didn't really want to write about, that i needed time to process, and didn't want to share. i'm still processing...

there are a lot of things going on in my head right now. in a way, i feel like i'm coming to a crossroads. i'm not a TA for the summer, starting tomorrow my insurance will be on hiatus until september 1st, i started a new job, i'm supposed to be studying for my qualifying exams (that is increasingly difficult), and i'm doing research for my dissertation.

add to that the fact that i'm really burned out on school, i'm increasingly unhappy living in dallas, and i'm tired of constantly scrambling for money.

another issue is that without insurance, i have to cut back my visits to my therapist. luckily, it only costs about $40 to see her without insurance. however, my stupid insurance has refused to commit to a contract with her office, and they won't pay for my visits at all, anymore, ever. fantastic.

the thought of not seeing my therapist creates a lot of anxiety for me. she's one constant in the last year and a half of my life, and unlike every other person who knows me, an objective voice. even though i've unloaded a lot of emotional baggage, i'm still trying to solidify some of the skills i've been working on.

boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.

anyway, i'm doing a lot of introspection about the choices i make and my seemingly lackadaisical ability to refrain from acting on emotions that are unhealthy...which then lead to bad decisions. i've always been one to lead with my heart, not my head. but that stupid organ has failed me too many times to be trusted, by seeking instant gratification, or not considering consequences and after effects.

i don't know, how *do* you turn off your feelings? i don't think it's possible. in the past, i would just avoid acting on them, find distractions, let them die out on their own, write a list of reasons to rationalize an emotional situation. it works pretty well...for a while.

logic and reason only go so far when applied to affection.

it's always (and i don't use that word lightly) been hard for me to let go. i thought i had it *somewhat* mastered.

so, what to do? i'm still trying to figure that out.

masochist

so, it seems that i've managed to get rid of the one behavior that i realized was self destructive. it's stupid and guaranteed to make me feel like shit about myself, regret my past decisions, and effectively bleed my heart dry.

said activity was my contacting, usually via text, this guy that i had a relationship with, off and on, for about two years (see prior blog entry entitled "oh well, whatever, never mind). i'm referring to the third guy: an alcoholic, emotionally shut off individual.

i had an epiphany one night when i was sitting outside texting him, and realized the utter futility in doing something that will never give me what i want or need. i realized that this was one of the stupidest fucking things i could do, and that it was accomplishing nothing, other than reinforcing my distrust, contempt, and lack of faith in humanity, men, and particularly myself.

texting/calling/emailing him was something i did when i felt bad about myself and just needed that extra push to spiral into self pity and continue the cycle of self-loathing i tend to indulge in, but have gotten much better about ignoring.

being treated like shit by this guy or being flat out ignored also fortified my belief that i don't deserve to have any men in my life treat me well, or to *ever* have a healthy romantic relationship...whatever the hell *that* is.

i talked to my therapist about the texting issue approximately two months ago, and since i mentioned it roughly five minutes before the end of the session, we didn't really have a chance to discuss "healthier" options, but after talking to her, i realized that i had reached my saturation point of this jackass's behavior and cut him out cleanly and quickly. no more reckless texting. i virtually forgot him.

yay, me.

anyway, due to some really substantial progress, and the recent onslaught of debilitating pain that has rendered my body a virtual train wreck, i've scaled back my visits with my therapist, or had to cancel/reschedule them, so i have yet to discuss healthier alternatives with her as far as what i can do on the rare ocassions when i'm feeling particularly masochistic or in a self-punishing mood. in fact, i haven't even felt that way until the last week, when things started wandering into the realm of complete hopelessness and futility.

sooooo, being the determined, over-achieving person i am, i found another unhealthy solution: digging through online avenues to find out about my ex's and what's going on in their world/lives, much to my detriment because, honestly, who gives a shit? let the past lay dead and silent.

these are people that i haven't thought of in months and months, and i have been going out of my way to see how they've moved on, if they're happy, healthy, and satisfied. i don't know if they are, because lots of people put on a good public front to disguise their true lives.

these guys are not ones i want in my life, except for one, who seems to have been given a gag order by his wife to not talk to me. it wouldn't be the first time an ex was forbidden from talking to me, and i can't blame the wife in that situation, because after not talking to said ex for four years, i saw him and we managed to get naked in about 6 hours, effectively ending their fragile, fragmented marriage. of course, if you make something/someone forbidden, the level of interest multiplies exponentially.

however, no such issue exists with the other (my oldest/first) ex, who also lives in another state. we're technically still friends, and communicate off and on, but i haven't seen him in almost 9 years, and he has morals that the other idiot doesn't...i think.

anyway, i don't think this is a healthy thing. it brings up ghosts of the past, romanticizing bad memories because sometimes it's easier to remember the good things. if you can only remember all the horrible instances of past relationships, you start kicking yourself for wasting time with that person in the first place.

however, these guys are no longer in my life for a reason; i don't even want to be friends with them. i definitely need to find another way to deal with these negative feelings about myself...start doing affirmations or something. i think part of the reason that i have resorted to checking up on them is that when i was in these relationships, i had a network of people that i hung out with all the time; a big group of friends in which i felt supported, had fun, had social interaction. i really feel that void right now, but looking at the FB profiles of guys i used to date isn't going to fix anything.

it took me a long time to let go of the past, and there's no reason for me to go back to what i left behind years ago.

oh well, whatever, never mind

nirvana.

rooting through the lives of people who used to be in your own life, and digging up your emotional discarded baggage in large doses is never a good idea. you end up finding things that piss you off, annoy you, or make you want to send bitter, bitchy emails.

well, *i* do anyway. in order to avoid doing the latter (because i haven't done it in a long time, and i'm working on creating better habits when i'm feeling self destructive), i'm going to f-ing blog my annoyance away.

hopefully.

i don't understand how people who are heartless, psychopathic, co-dependent, and manipulative have the privilege of moving on with their lives, finding happiness, and having someone who can deal with them on a daily basis. i've finally gotten past most of the damage that i allowed my ex-boyfriends to inflict upon me, and the three last culprits seem to be perky, fulfilled, and expecting a kid, apparently.

i don't talk to any of these jackasses anymore because, after all, they are jackasses. one is a habitual cheater and only breaks up with someone when he's found a replacement. he's been single a total of nine months in 18 years. no exaggeration.

this is the charmer who cheated on his wife with me, and actually referred to me as his "crowbar", allowing him "out" when he no longer to be in a relationship.

awesome. that term is from a fiona apple song, from an album that we used to listen to incessantly, and looking back, i can't believe that i wasn't completely offended and disgusted that that was how, and what, he thought of me. pathetic.

so, the second winner is the psycho ex who did everything possible to tear me down, cheat on me with anything with a pulse and a vagina (a pulse may not have been necessary, come to think of it), mock every relationship i had with my family and friends, and destroy whatever self worth and dignity i had.

i was STUPID enough to move to california with him, but it was actually an escape from the cheater because he broke my heart somewhere in there, and i just needed to run away. i knew in my gut that leaving the state with a psycho because of a cheater wasn't the best idea i ever had, but it was a quick solution and i figured i could deal with the fallout later.

that gem is now with some girl who is exactly his type: brunette, sporty, bordering on butch, from the east coast, loves volleyball...because i was so often reminded that i was exactly *not* his type...for six and a half years. um, remind me again *why* you wanted to be with me...

my one consolation on the psycho's new girlfriend is that she is fuuuuug-ly. to be fair, i'd own up if she were cute, but seriously, she's not. in his FB profile pic he's hugging her, and at first i thought she was a man, or a transvestite at the very least. i looked at her pic on her page, and it's not much better: a chubby transvestite with a double chin.

the last in the triumvirate is someone that i only really "dated" for a month. after breaking up, we didn't talk for about nine months until i accidentally (really, i wasn't looking for him at all. gotta love gmail's address book) found him on FB.

gotta love FB.

being the bored stalker that i can be at times, i saw on his sister's page (because he's too closed off and secretive to have a page any longer) that not only was he in town overnight on my birthday, he visited his sister, TEXTED me to say happy birthday, and then wrote me this long, elaborate email saying that i'm a "phenomenal person and deserve to be happy" and that he'll "always care for me on a different level than anyone else."

is that a good thing?

being the masochistic dumb ass that i was at the time (a whopping four months and fourteen days ago, but who's counting?), and *trusting* that i could take him at his word (maybe just really wanting to take him at his word) despite the fact that he's the biggest flake i think i've ever met, i replied and we talked about fixing things between us, having a future, blah blah blah.

in the span of two days, he pulled his old disappearing act. i can attribute this to the fact that i'm pretty sure he's an alcoholic, he was raised a jehovah's witness, and he's under 30 years old.
everything out of his mouth from that point on became blah blah blah.

then i saw today that he was in town on valentine's day for a two hour layover between flights, and he went to his sister's work, spent two hours with her, and then drove back to the airport.

(insert ditzy, valley girl voice here) "wow, like he's the best!"

i'm over all these retards. i'm not trying to offend anyone, but i can't think of them as being anything other a derogatory, insulting name. plus, my dad reads this, so i try to keep it clean. what i'd really like to call them is a four-syllable word, rhymes with brothersucker. i don't even want to be friends with these dudes. i'm just frustrated that i put up with so much shit for so many years, and yet i can't find a decent, sane, cute man with some semblance of hair, in dallas.

i started dating the co-dependent cheater in 1997!!! and didn't end things with him until 2007. the psycho lasted from 1999 until 2006. yes, i've done the math. there's an overlap with the two, but the nine months that i wasn't with the psycho, i was busy with the cheater, helping him end his marriage. and no, i didn't cheat on either of them...ever.

yay, me.

the alcoholic has been messing with my mind since july 2008, and i haven't talked to him since october. still, a month-long relationship that dragged on for over two years, and something tells me he'll pop up at some point in the next year.

i ask you WTF is wrong with me? on second thought, don't answer.

i feel like i'm in a much better place emotionally and mentally, after *lots* of work...now, if i could just get my body to stop falling the hell apart. however, according to the therapist i talked to today, it's not uncommon for someone to get their mental health in order and then have their body go to hell in a hand basket. that's a good thing for me because if i was having "chronic pain" the way i am now when i was dredging through my last horrific, suicidal bout of depression, this kitty cat wouldn't have made it through the fire.

basically, the body exists in a survival mode while you're losing your mind so that you don't go completely off the hook, and throw yourself off a bridge. then, when you think everything is aces, your body says, "hey, the mind's good! commence self-destruction of anatomy in 5...4...3...2...1...POW!"

i guess i'm in a state of repair (does it *ever* end?), working really hard to get everything in order, discard all the baggage, and get my body to a fully functioning state again. the above mentioned dudes don't have much of an interest in emotional reflection or growth, and i've known them long enough, and well enough, to know that they don't really want to change. why would they? what they do has been working for them for years (thank you, current therapist who shall remain nameless).

obviously, the choices i've made have *not* worked for me in the least, and i'm determined to get out of this never-ending recycling of boyfriends and bad relationships. the alcoholic was the last fragment hanging on. it's ironic because the proverbial "they" say that a girl models her romantic relationships on her father, but that's not at all the case with me.

i grew up with an unpredictable, unstable, emotionally toxic mother whose love i wanted so desperately, i'd do anything to please her. she built up a world in which it was the two of us against the world, and no one else could be relied upon or trusted. when i decided that i had my own opinions, interests, and personality, things fell apart, and she decided that i no longer served her purposes and actively sought a replacement...many replacements, actually.

i think my relationships with guys, these three in particular, are similar to the one with my mom. once i figured out that i deserved more, and better, because i'm willing and capable to give it, i had to walk away...slowly, reluctantly, and with many backward glances.

it may have taken having that lesson slammed in my face repeatedly, and i really didn't even make the connection until a few months ago (thank you, current therapist who shall remain nameless). i think i've subjected myself to more self-inflicted pain, misery, and reflection than the average bear, but it took over 22 years to really break away from my relationship with my mom and decide that it wasn't healthy for me at this point in my life.

despite being smart, there are some things that i seem to refuse to give up on. i have given people chance upon chance to redeem themselves because i want them in my life, and want so badly to prove that i'm worthwhile.

just another lesson learned from mom...

something's missing

i doubt anyone noticed, but this blog title is also a song title. i did that before with "caring is creepy". i'm thinking about doing a whole month of music-themed titles, just to amuse myself and to describe my feelings or what i'm writing about. i think you get the point of this entry.

anyway, that song pretty much sums up how i'm feeling lately. i feel like i have sorted out a lot of things in my life. i'm at peace with my relationships with family and friends; even if they're not ideal, i can live with them for now and be okay. i'm motivated about school and doing what i need to be doing.

when i think back to what was going on a year ago and how i felt, i feel like a greatly revised/improved/upgraded person...april 2.0

but still "something's missing, and i don't know how to fix it." because of this, i feel restless and out of sorts in a way. i'm not looking for drama or chaos, a little excitement maybe; something to look forward to.

i'm also struggling a bit with the fact that i want to talk to someone, in order to repair a situation that was good, but went bad. i feel like i acted quickly at the time because i was dealing with my own life-threatening and sanity-based issues, and i didn't have the capacity to fix anyone else. not that i ever *want* to be in that position, but i was asked to be.

anyway, i'd like to talk to this person because i do feel like i'm different. i'd like to apologize and see how he's doing; i miss him and hope he's okay. i've tried to reach out several times in the 11 months since we talked, and he's been unresponsive. no email, text, or phone call telling me to f*ck off, just...silence. i don't want to inflict any pain on this person, we were great friends before all this went down, and i'm really concerned about his general well-being.

but i can't force someone to talk to me. i can't make someone respond or reciprocate, and if i make any further efforts, i feel like i'm invading his personal/emotional space, even though i emailed and said that if he didn't want me to contact him again, to let me know, and he didn't.

part of me wonders if he's punishing me in some way by ignoring me. i know that he was hurt, i don't know if he still is (i hope not), but i don't know if he would be vindictive and hurtful in return. maybe because i *do* feel at peace with everything else in my life, i want to fix this, too.

i think one of the worst things you can do to a person, i mean without physically assaulting him/her, is to shut the person out of your life. you are left with no answers and many questions.

i don't believe in closure, but i'd like to be at peace with this person. maybe i'm just being selfish, and trying to find what's missing.

a good thing out of a bad one

the past few days have been pretty emotional and difficult for me as i try to figure out what is best for me in certain situations and have my actions not be interpreted as hurtful or offensive to anyone else.

in general, i'm trying to create new, healthier patterns and discard the old. needless to say, this is an extremely difficult process - to get rid of 30+ years of what you know and what you've been taught - and learn how to exist in the world as an entirely different kind of being? good luck.

in addition to rebuilding myself, i'm trying to repair relationships, and i feel compelled to prove myself to certain people in my life. part of me thinks this is ridiculous because i can't worry constantly about what others think of me. i'm an adult, i'm a good person, i do the best that i can, i try to learn from my mistakes and not repeat them.

if you don't see that, it's your loss, and you're not really seeing me. however, in order for repairs to be made, the other people in this equation feel that i need to *demonstrate* that i'm different. i haven't been rude, disrespectful, mean, vindictive in this situation in years, but you want *proof*? would you like me to pull a rabbit out of my hat while i'm at it?

i can't control anyone other than myself. i need to be happy and satisfied with who i am, above everything else. that is by no means a selfish statement, but if you don't love and respect yourself, who will ever be able to love and respect you? i'm the only person who is stuck with me, and guaranteed to be here, the rest of my life, so i sure as hell better like me because there is nothing wrong than being stuck with someone you can't stand for a lifetime.

how can i prove that i'm different? i *know* i am. if you're judging me (first of all, why are you even judging me? don't you have other things you could be doing?) on my personality, behaviors, and mistakes of 15 years ago, you may as well talk to a complete stranger, because you will know that person as well as you know me.

people are going to think what they want, regardless of what i put out into the universe. once again, i can't control anyone else. my actions and behaviors may be entirely misinterpreted for a variety of reason. so, what do i do; bite the bullet, suck it up, be a "bigger" person and try to change their minds; even though it's *their* decision, not mine, because i have no control?

i have no problem admitting that i'm wrong or apologizing, but no one in this situation seems to think that i deserve an apology anywhere in here. none of the involved parties seems to care that i've been hurt, discarded, and disrespected for almost 30 years. i have somehow become the villain in all of this, and bare the brunt of punishment that no one else has to endure.

i feel like i'm supposed to take the blame, and i have been used as a scapegoat, for many, many situations with this relationship and dynamic. it's easy for them to do.

i'm the outsider.

i don't belong.

however, despite all this, and despite having a really rough 24 hours of almost non-stop crying, sadness, and confusion, i took another step toward changing my former patterns...well, a couple of steps. i talked to my sister, i asked for help, i listened to her advice, and i was able to take a step back and think rationally and logically about this situation, and apologize for my emotional reaction.

after all of that, and the incessant thinking, wondering, and worrying that i was taking on from others, i was tired, emotionally exhausted, and didn't want to be social. i didn't want to deal with anyone, but my oldest and dearest friend invited me to spend the afternoon/evening with her and her mom. so i went.

it was absolutely the best thing i could have done. i've known this friend and her mom since i was 6, and they are family to me, as i am to them. we baked all kinds of cookies and treats, had dinner, and some wine, and just *breathed*.

no stress, no worries, just simple, joyful, exquisite perfection. i talked to them about what i've been struggling with, and their answer was clear, brave, and reassuring. i felt supported and that i have someone in my corner who really cares about what happens to me, and not what they're going to get out of it, or how they'll be affected. that, sadly, is a rarity.

i also felt loved and accepted for who i am. these people have known me since i was 6, and they don't seem to think that i'm some selfish, controlling, demon seed...because i'm really not, but when you hear that often enough from people you "expect" to love you, you start to believe it.

my friend and her mom have known me for 30+ years, and invite me into their home to stay "as long as i want" anytime i go over there, they had me over for thanksgiving, offered to have me for christmas, and love me for who i am.

i'm proud that i was able to do something to help myself instead of getting sucked into the vortex of negativity and shame that people want to box me in. i'm not trying to be a martyr, that is my perception of my reality.

i'm so immensely grateful for the friends who are my family who pick me up when i feel that i can only fall. i relish the moments when my faith in humanity, love, and beauty are restored.

thank you.

OMG, this sucks

first, i've been feeling really good the past few days. last thursday was hellllllllllll. luckily, i have people who are willing to deal with the petulant, permanent monkey on my back. i wouldn't behave so badly, but depression? that bitch has a whole set of issues she'd like to keep stapled to my soul, and will drag everyone down with her.

i had a lot of fun after my meltdown, saw good friends, baked, went to the movies, and felt hopeful, and not so chicken little-ish. i fought my negative instincts to hibernate, and forced myself to do what was good for me. ah, monkey bitch slap!

okay, so the suckage...i know i said (just last week!) that i was going to be boy-less for another, oh, seven months (buddha help me), but i really don't know how that's going to be possible. i mean, i can keep from being in situations where there are guys to be met, that's pretty easy for me as i socialize with my friends at my home, their home, restaurants, or...that's pretty much it.

i don't have any ex-boyfriends that live in the area that i can call when i'm bored. i only have one that lives in dallas, but the rest are out of state. wait, one in el paso, but that's a ten hour drive, so no easy access. i think my "love addiction", if you want to call it that is going to prevent me from being alone. i don't think i necessarily have a lot of those characteristics anymore, but i *need* male attention. i think every woman does. well, heterosexual women, not sure about the rest.

i mean, to have minimal contact with half the species is pretty isolating and depressing in itself, and who wants that torture? right now, my male attention isn't even human, and while i dearly love grayson and phoenix, someone with two legs and a vocabulary i can understand would be nice.

i think a big part of this void is that i'm used to having a guy to at least talk to, flirt with, and now i don't, hence "OMG, this sucks". while i tell myself that i can be productive, not have any distractions, focus on school without a boy around, i need a freaking distraction before i get addicted to reality tv. i'm trying to refrain from calling the one ex i *could* talk to, because that situation plays into my black/white, all/nothing routine i've had since birth. no thanks.

i would like to make healthy relationship choices, but it takes two.
are there even any healthy guys out there?

*crickets*

*another* lesson learned from reality tv...uh oh

so...i was watching "celebrity rehab with dr. drew" because who doesn't love a good train wreck? i started watching it last season (i think) because i had a family member in rehab, and although it's a reality show (yes, i know it's not really real), i wanted to see if i could learn anything about addiction. it can't hurt, correct?

first of all, i'd be hard-pressed to even designate some of these goofballs as "celebrities", i mean keyshia cole's mother? who the hell is keyshia cole? i *think* she's a singer, but how does that make her mom a "celebrity"?

another one of the so-called famous people on the show this season is rachel uchitel, who is labeled (very appropriately) "tabloid celebrity". now this dumb bitch (i'm sorry, but she is) is best known for being tiger woods' mistress.

oh, and she had an affair with david boreanaz, too (also married). both of these circumstances have been covered to *death* by the tabloids. yeah rachel, your fiance died in 9/11, it was a tragedy, it happened nine years ago, blah, blah, blah, get therapy, get medication, get some help, get something, but stop screwing all these married guys.

unfortunately, i actually learned something about myself in watching dr. drew talk to her. i must now go hang my head in shame...

and, we're back...while rachel's addicted to benzos and drinks on a daily basis, she is also supposedly a "love addict". now, i'm not an addict of anything, particularly love, but dr. drew had some valid points about how this woman conducts herself with men.

a little back story about rachel: she said that she doesn't date, she never has, she doesn't like it. she immediately gets into relationships, and gets close to a guy quickly, not necessarily sexually, but emotionally, and that her relationships are intense from the get-go. she also said that the guys she usually dates are cheaters (duh, it's called "married").

this is sounding all too familiar.
uh oh.
i have the same relationship style as this tabloid queen who can't seem to find a decent guy, let alone have a sane relationship.

fantastic.

i've already discussed my views on cheating, no judgment, but i'm screwed.

now, a little back story about me: i don't date, i never have, i hate it. when i get into a relationship, it's on, right away: emotionally intense, all-encompassing, and at times, destructive. sound familiar?

there have also been a few cheaters in there. oh, and a married guy.

if i hadn't had some sort of boundaries, there would have been more than one married guy, so i've got that going for me.
woo. hoo.

dr. drew's diagnosis of rachel's love addiction was based on what she gets, and needs, from a romantic relationship: intensity, excitement, the fulfillment of some missing emotional element, the dynamics of co-dependency. she gets into relationships that are detrimental to her well-being, and despite the fact that she knows it's a bad idea, she plunges in regardless.

and she made a valid point, to which dr. drew agreed; she's not in this alone. each time she's dancing off the edge of a cliff, it's with some dumb ass guy who craves this type of fucked up relationship just as much as she does.

dr. drew's advice to rachel was that she needs to have a "boring" relationship, one without drama and immediate intensity. she needs to learn how to be close to someone, in an appropriate manner, of course.

hello, dr. drew, where have you been for the last fifteen years of my life?!? and are you accepting new clients, possibly long distance?

as we've already established, i grew up in a drama-filled environment, and until my mid-20s, created drama when it was absent because it was the only way i knew how to feel comfortable. the quiet made me anxious, not content. i was always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

i also grew up in an atmosphere of emotional intensity, and i guess i thought that if someone wasn't consumed by me right away and didn't want to be with me constantly, he didn't really love me. i craved that all-consuming desire to be as close to someone else as i could be, to be understood, and to have someone there for me *unconditionally*. i never really had that, either.

while i have made some very, very poor decisions when it comes to men, i didn't *think* i was a love addict. i'm okay with being alone and not having a boyfriend. hello, welcome to the last five years of my life, but this little lesson in the non-real world of reality tv hit pretty close to home.

i never *thought* i was a love addict...maybe i was wrong.

the world doesn't need another cynic

since i read and keep up with celebrity gossip, i kinda keep track of when couples break up, make up, get together, or as is more common lately, cheat. technology has made it *so* much easier to cheat, what with texting, the internet, even facebook, people have all kinds of ways to covertly converse, find people from their past, and get away with a lot more. unfortunately, technology doesn't make people smarter or more loyal.

i used to think that people who cheated were lacking in moral character, horrible people, unethical, and heartless. unfortunately, i've come to the conclusion that that's not always the case.

granted, i don't know any celebrities, but i do know lots, yes *lots*, of people who have cheated on their significant others. it seems that at some point in their lives, almost everyone has been unfaithful.

for the most part, these people are kind, smart, thoughtful, and not-so-bad. do they cheat because they're unhappy in their relationships, or they want out, or they're dissatisfied with the status quo? if that's the case, GET OUT OF THE RELATIONSHIP!

i don't understand people who maintain a relationship in which they're clearly unhappy, yet they stay regardless. are they cheating in the hopes that their partner finds out and leaves first, saving the cheater from having to do the dirty work? are they afraid of confrontation? do they want to get a little action on the side? do they enjoy the thrill? are they too weak to stand up for what they want?

now, i'm not judging, just pondering this obscenely common phenomenon. i've been on both sides of this fence, and both sides suck. the grass is never greener, either. when i did cheat on someone, i was young and stupid, and as bad as this sounds, i did it to see what it was like. ah, capricious youth.

i have absolutely no excuse for being the other woman, a situation that has happened more times than i care to remember. i'm not immoral, stupid, or heartless, so why the hell did i do it? in one instance, the guy was an ex-boyfriend, and the fact that he was married didn't stop us from starting a relationship...and effectively ending his marriage. that is huge, i mean *huge*, and utterly stupid.

after his divorce, and our eventual break up, he jokingly referred to me as his "crowbar" because he would start things up with me again in order to get out of whatever unsatisfying relationship he was in.

wow, don't i feel special?
and incredibly stupid after realizing that he was using me for years.

as far as the other instances, there is nothing i can say to justify it, and yes, hindsight is 20/20. pick an excuse, any excuse: i was fool enough to believe lies that were told to me, i didn't respect the sanctity of the guy's marriage, i was just fucking selfish: i wanted what i wanted, regardless of the consequences. i think that not having good physical boundaries is another culprit. i let people get close to me physically when it wasn't appropriate because i didn't have the courage to respect *myself*.

i do believe in marriage, and i've been cheated on relentlessly. i *know* how incredibly difficult and hurtful it is. it's a behavior that i thought i would never tolerate, one that would immediately end my relationship with another. yet i stayed...for over six years. that will not happen again.

i never thought i'd be the one to aid the betrayer. looking back, i'm not sure why i chose to reverse that situation and be the vampire.

maybe i was tired of being the victim.

any given thursday

yes, yesterday was thanksgiving, and i know the typical route is to write about what you're thankful for.

this year (and last year as well), i spent thanksgiving with friends, rather than family. i don't think that calling them "friends" quite gives them the credit that they deserve. these people in my life have become my family.

let's say they are my family of choice, not blood.

i'm not entirely close to a lot of my family, but i have friends who have offered their hearts and homes to me, visited me when i was in the hospital, taken care of my kids when i went out of town, driven me to the airport so i didn't have to pay $100 for parking, and accept me for who i am, with love, generosity, and kindness.

there are many people who won't do so much for their family, much less their friends. i do have family who do what they can to take care of me, are always at the ready with a shoulder and an ear. well, pretty much my daddy, and there are others that i could probably count on in a pinch, but my closest relative lives 200 miles away (not counting my mother here).

i'm extremely blessed to have these amazingly supportive, loving, understanding individuals in my life.

i have friends who can commiserate with me when it comes to depression, medication, and less-than-perfect mothers (you know who you are).

i have friends who, although they are miles and miles away, share my love of music and all things pearl jam (damn it, they're back again).

they truly are my family (i just wish most of them lived closer).

a lesson learned...from a kardashian?

so, i was in my doctor's office today, reading a trashy magazine (not the one i prefer because i already have a subscription to that), but one that tends to have more human interest stories, less gossip, recipes. booooring.




anyway, there was an article about kim kardashian and how, despite having a multi-million dollar empire (i have *no* idea how she managed that), she's *sob* still single at 30.

boo...hoo.

i hate to admit it, but in the snippet from the book that she and her vapid sisters are putting out (god help us all), i learned something about myself. and i quote, "i used to think maybe i didn't attract the right kind of people because i didn't look the way they wanted me to. i hadn't figured out yet that the real reason was because i was such a people-pleaser. i wasn't strong enough to be the person i really am, and to insist on being with people who appreciated me in that way."

i can relate.

now, i never thought that i attracted the wrong people because of my looks. i'm not really sure what i thought about the people that i attracted, but i do know that when i didn't feel all that great about myself, the losers tended to flock to me like buzzards to a rotting carcass.

don't i paint a beautiful mental image?

i'm definitely a people-pleaser, once again mainly because i needed approval and love growing up (who didn't?), but i felt like i had to achieve certain goals, be a certain kind of person, follow the examples of the person who i wanted to love me. i also needed *attention*, on a consistent basis, and to not feel like an adult at the age of 5.

and this bled into my outside world. it used to be that i would give up my own freedom, safety, comfort, pleasure, and self-respect in order to make someone else happy, or to give them what they needed. and most often, i got absolutely nothing in return.

no acknowledgement.
no praise.
not even a thank you.

in the last few months or so, i've realized that i deserve to get back what i put out into the world. i believe in karma, but i *don't* think that you get back what you give if you're in the wrong situation or with people who take advantage of you. you will be sucked dry and left a husk of your former self. karma may take care of that idiot, but you still have to nurse your wounds.

i am trying to stop my people-pleasing, and i have learned to say no, to establish boundaries (slowly), and to demand (in a polite way) that i be respected just as much as i respect the people around me. i will definitely do for others, go out of my way, and be helpful, but not to my own detriment or downfall.

i don't think that's too much to ask, and if you do, don't let the door hit you on the way out of my life.

speaking of a broken heart...

i seem to have a history of getting involved in these relationships that are off and on, black and white, good or non-existent. i also have done a lot of what i call "recycling" when it comes to boyfriends. i'll explain: i date someone for a while, break up, get back together, break up, over...and over...and over again.
i know this is somewhat common in high school, but i've been doing it *since* high school.

if you break up with someone for a genuine reason, you need to stay broken up. people very rarely change, and if they do, it needs to be done for themselves, not in order to make someone else happy, or to get them to come back.

if you break up with someone just to test how much they love you, or to see what their reaction may be? once again, stupid. i've done it, but not in a long time. it does not end well.

the first relationship (if you wanna call it that) that i had consisted of me dating the same guy "off and on" for 17 years. that is ridiculous. at the point that i called it off, it had taken up almost half of my life, and the majority of it was a waste of time.

i'm not the type of person who has a boyfriend just because i don't want to be alone. i'm an only child for the most part, i'm used to my own company, and usually enjoy it. having someone around takes work, thought, relinquishing of the remote control, and finding a compromise on the thermostat setting.

it just occurred to me that i can't be the only one that does this stupid shit, because every time, there's been some dumbass guy who was along for the ride with me. so, multiple recyclers unite! no, don't really. what a mess that would be.

for some reason, i've been feeling really nostalgic the past few days, or should i say nostalgic about ex-boyfriends. not all of them; a few of them are too evil, despicable, and obnoxious to even pretend to think about. okay, only one ex fits that category, but there *are* some extremely narcissistic and selfish ones in there.

i don't know if i'm thinking about all this because i had a conversation about the "status" of my current/future relationship with an ex, or if i'm dredging up the past because i'm bored, and there is *nothing* going on in my romantic life currently. nothing. nada. zilch. zero.

i think you get the point.

i usually have someone that i'm crushing on, just to have a pleasant, boy-directed distraction. but right now? not so much, which sucks. i think this is the first time in my semi-adult to adult life that this has happened. for a while there, it was nice; no boy to worry about or wonder what he's doing. now it's just sad.

recently, a miraculous light has illuminated why i have this habit of recycling, and it's not because i'm concerned with the state of the planet (although i am).

as with everything that i seem to be discovering in my life (as far as patterns, behaviors, and choices), it goes back to my childhood and how i coped with what was thrown at me. i lived a very chaotic, black and white existence. things were really good or really bad. i was really good or really bad. no in-betweens, no grays, no take backs.

which is why i've approached my love life from that perspective. things were all right or all wrong, and when they were good, it was golden. when they were bad, i ran. eventually, the smoke would clear, i'd decide that maybe things weren't so bad, and off we'd go on the next round....except...sometimes they *were* so bad, i mean really, really bad.

this is also how my childhood mostly went. i was forced to stay in a less-than-ideal situation due to birth, and then i chose to stay in bad relationships after that because i didn't realize there was another way. *any* other way would've been spectacular - just the ability to have a choice.

i was never taught that some things you do to people *aren't* okay, and once you hurt someone, say the wrong thing, or break their heart, there's no going back. it's broken for good, despite your promises to never do it again. i was taught to scream the loudest, insult the best, and throw the lowest punch, and i learned well.

ironically, it wasn't until my worst, most painfully horrible relationship that i learned that there *is* another way, that words can't be erased, and if you take time to calm down and regroup, things look a lot clearer. this is another lesson that i learned very well. it provided me with a light in what was before only black. it illuminated the shades of gray that i have forced myself to become comfortable with.

maybe that was the reason for that boyfriend, as bad as he was.
he did give me one gift: regret.

in so many ways.

btw, i swear my ipod can read my mood. as i'm writing this blog, three songs in a row have come on for three different guys that i loved and dated.

it's just a broken heart

despite what you may think, i'm pretty particular about what i listen to (i think), but i also have a varied taste in music. for the past week, i've been running to taylor swift's new cd. now i realize that i'm not 14, but it's a guilty pleasure and it keeps me moving. her songs are all about good relationships gone bad, stupid choices (hello, john mayer), regret; all things i can identify with.

my musical taste does tend to gravitate toward the depressing love song; songs about ended relationships, betrayal, regret, "why didn't this work out", "why did you leave me", "i have to leave you, it's for the best". ya know, the brokenhearted variety. apparently, this is a genetic trait, as my dad listens to the same uplifting genre.

which made me wonder why pearl jam (yep, they're back) and their music mean so much to me. they don't really do a lot of "relationship" songs, not like the kind i was referring to. i'd say that they write a lot of songs that are "emotional", but they're about emotional pain; anger, abuse, loneliness. again, things with which i can identify.

the first pearl jam song that got me was "black". i had heard "alive", "jeremy" (hell, the kid who they based the song on went to a high school in my district and i remember when it happened), but those songs really didn't click. but "black", how could you *not* love this?





aw, young ed...what passion, what a voice. yes, he's beautiful, too. totally beside the point.

it wasn't until i heard "black", a song about a relationship that has ended, and the pain, loss, and regret that the singer feels, that i got the tape (remember those?) and literally sat for hours on my best friend deirdre's bed, trying to figure out the freaking lyrics.

because ed wouldn't be ed if he made anything less than challenging, especially when it comes to his personal experiences.

i listened to that song over and over, and my freshman year of college, i even had the lines
"i know someday you'll have a beautiful life, i know you'll be a star in someone else's sky. why can't it be mine?"
written in chalk on my wall.

my roommate probably thought i was nuts, but it was there for a reason, and for a person: the first person that i really and truly loved. he was, to date, the best boyfriend i've had, and when your best relationship happens at 18 years old, you, my friend, are fucked.

so, despite fact that the majority of pearl jam's lyrics aren't about lost love, they *are* about the human condition, and the struggles that (apparently) a lot of people feel. because i'm not sitting alone in those arenas, stadiums, and theaters. i definitely wasn't alone at madison square garden last may, with tens of thousands of people screaming and singing louder than the band.

i did a project about pearl jam for one of my classes, a storytelling project, and i had to interview 25 people and ask them 25 questions.

question #25 was this:

Which of these words, if any, have led you to Pearl Jam’s music because you can relate to these things and/or have experience with them: pain (emotional or physical or both), feeling like an outsider or misunderstood, dissatisfied, hopeless, alone, seeking a connection?

without question, all 25 people picked almost all of them.

so i'm not alone.

while love may have led me to pearl jam (and has kept me around), pain, dissatisfaction, and feelings of being misunderstood have kept me here, even though i'm part of a community that welcomes me with open arms. in that, i feel a connection.

elsewhere? that's a different story.

the beginning...

before you start reading this blog, or any that follow, there is one thing you must know: when i'm not writing for business or professional purposes, capital letters are virtually non-existent for me. i know that this drives my dad crazy, but i talk fast, i think fast, and i type fast, and i don't have time for little things like the shift key. i will proofread the hell out of something, looking for misspellings because i'm a little OCD (needed here because it's an acronym) about things like that, but caps? eh.

i also tend to write in a stream-of-consciousness fashion, so if i ramble, change topics mid-sentence, or throw you for a loop here and there, welcome to my brain.

now...

so, the title of my blog is "much more than pearl jam", which i find somewhat ironic (or maybe highly, you be the judge) as one of the lines from one of my favorite pearl jam songs, "breath", is

"if i knew where it was, i would take you there. there's much more than this."

ha ha, how funny. ah, feel the irony, alanis.

i'm starting this blog because i don't really feel like i have a voice. yes, i have a literal voice, which you'd know if you've ever really pissed me off. i can scream with the best of them, although i haven't done it quite some time. i mean i'm looking for something is representative of me. i see a lot of people in my (grad school) program who are making, doing, writing, creating, and i feel like a slacker. i want to draw, write stories, play the guitar. i can do all of these things a little, but i'd like to have a better proficiency instead of feel like a lazy, untalented bum.

my friend jon sent me this youtube video about libras, which is my astrological sign. in the video, this wacky psychotherapist/astrology "expert" acts out the characteristics of a libra, and while she's a nutjob and i disagree with some of what she said, i do agree with this: i'm kinda good at a lot of things. see above paragraph, please.

there are a few things that i'm really good at: going to school, memorizing song lyrics, applying mascara while driving and looking at the road, tying a cherry stem into a knot with my tongue, but i'd like to feel like i have a "thing" that i'm known for or that defines me. what most people know or associate with me is...you guessed it: pearl jam.

i've been reading for my qualifying exams, which to sum up, consist of four exams that essentially test what you've been learning in the phd program. one of my friends referred to it, aptly, as academic water boarding. so, i'm reading this book about fandom, (because my dissertation is about pearl jam and the fan community. i *cannot* get away from this band!) and it discusses the levels and types of fandom. if you're really into a band, a sports team, whatever, and you wear shirts with their logos, buy memorabilia, gather with other people to enjoy the object of your idolatry, etc., you're pretty much in the upper tiers of the fan theory spectrum.

when fandom truly becomes a facet of your identity, it's what you're known for or what you present yourself as. back to wanting to be seen as something more than a pearl jam fan...i really am! although you wouldn't believe it from reading this so far.

on that note, a gratuitous picture of eddie at this year's bridge school benefit concert:












ah, so much better now.

anyway...i do want to be seen as something more than a fan, but it's a huge part of my identity. it's one thing i'm truly passionate about. i'm passionate about a lot of things. remember, i'm kinda good at a lot of things; being passionate is one of them.

i think i take for granted the fact that i have something in my life that i love so much. a few years ago, i was talking to one of my friends about a trip i was taking to see eddie in concert in chicago, and she looked at me and said, "you're really lucky. i'd kill to have something that means that much to me."

i never really thought about it. doesn't everyone have something that keeps them alive, that they'd die for, that they can't live without? i'm not talking about a significant other, or someone you're stalking on facebook, i mean a true, deep, sincere love (fine, obsession)

...and on a side note, i'm not really sure why i'm ellipses happy today...

of something. even if it's eating chocolate cake, and you try chocolate cake at every restaurant you can find, and travel the world searching for the best, most perfect chocolate cake ever. i'm not sure where i was going with all of this, except to say that I LIKE THINGS OTHER THAN PEARL JAM. sorry, caps were necessary.

and after all that, and proclaiming my non-pearl-jam-affiliated-persona, there is hardly anything else that affects me the way they do. whether it be lyrics or looking at a picture of eddie (yes, he's my favorite, although not everyone's), pearl jam just makes me happy. this seems like such a simple concept, but it's so hard to achieve.

i mean, everyone wants to happy, right? *crickets*
except those crazy drama queens who thrive on misery and bitching. i know i want to be happy, i'm working really hard to be happy, and to have something that you can listen to, look at, or participate in that improves your day, your week, your life, that is magical. i happen to be lucky enough to have an entire group of people that get me and understand where i'm coming from and what moves me. that's a rare, precious thing.

i'm not sure if i conveyed what i wanted to, or if anyone will get what i'm saying, but i can always come back to it later. i'll mull on it over a nice slice of chocolate cake. : )