over and out

title? back to the foos...

seriously, how many times can someone be inconsiderate, selfish, immature, and emotionally retarded before i just say 'fuck it' and walk away? it used to be quite a few. sorry, but that's what i knew and how i chose to live my life. i thought i'd stopped that shit, but apparently i need to be smacked in the head a few more times, humiliated, and become a nervous wreck before i give up.

i've tried being nice, i've tried telling this person how i feel (no acknowledgement, instead he/she ignored everything i said because to acknowledge would mean an adult, SOBER conversation), i've tried to be understanding, i've tried to elicit a positive emotion or some semblance of a mature response, but i'm done. if you can't even admit that you contacted me because you wanted to talk to me/say hi, wtf is wrong with you?

hell, wtf is wrong with me?

this person does *not* deserve any more excuses or coddling from me, or by me. i don't wish this individual any harm, but i can't have this behavior in my life. if you're going to be self-destructive and kill every good thing in your life, i refuse to be a casualty. i wanted to be there, i wanted to love you, but you sabotaged everything.

i read my tarot cards last night, and while some people don't believe them, i do (or i probably wouldn't be reading them, duh), and they were right on the money...eerily so.

this person is in the way of where i need to go with my life; this person has betrayed me and lied to me, involving a third party; i want a happy resolution, but that particular outcome is still up in the air. i think after today it's on the ground and buried. i wish the situation were different, but things feel broken beyond repair.

i've also been feeling *extremely* overwhelmed and emotionally overloaded the past few days, and i'm really not sure why. the weekend was pretty uneventful, but i feel like i'm under so much pressure: financial, academic, job, family. i guess when you add all that up, feeling overwhelmed is an appropriate response. however, i deal with all that shit on a daily basis, and pretty much shrug it off, or deal with it and get over it.

i know that being in incredible pain since i had the rhizotomy done last week isn't helping. i'm supposed to have about six months without pain once it "takes effect", but in the meantime i feel like i'm making up for that lost time now. my entire lower body feels like i'm alternately getting zapped with electrodes, poked with forks, hit with a sledge hammer, or dragged behind a car. when pain is bad enough to make me cry, it's really, really bad.

i'm not exaggerating; i wish i were.

anyway, the original point of this post (removing myself from a situation that has been adding grief, pain, and frustration to my life) is that i have to take care of myself. i have too much going on to have someone treat me so poorly, and obviously neither of us should be in the other's life.


sadly, despite the remnants of affection i feel for this person, i'm out.

(your head holds gold) your heart holds diamonds

in keeping with the theme of song titles for blog titles, this is a bob schneider song, but good luck finding the lyrics. they're nowhere online.

yep, i wrote a few weeks ago, and thought that i'd keep it up, but there have been a few things going on that i didn't really want to write about, that i needed time to process, and didn't want to share. i'm still processing...

there are a lot of things going on in my head right now. in a way, i feel like i'm coming to a crossroads. i'm not a TA for the summer, starting tomorrow my insurance will be on hiatus until september 1st, i started a new job, i'm supposed to be studying for my qualifying exams (that is increasingly difficult), and i'm doing research for my dissertation.

add to that the fact that i'm really burned out on school, i'm increasingly unhappy living in dallas, and i'm tired of constantly scrambling for money.

another issue is that without insurance, i have to cut back my visits to my therapist. luckily, it only costs about $40 to see her without insurance. however, my stupid insurance has refused to commit to a contract with her office, and they won't pay for my visits at all, anymore, ever. fantastic.

the thought of not seeing my therapist creates a lot of anxiety for me. she's one constant in the last year and a half of my life, and unlike every other person who knows me, an objective voice. even though i've unloaded a lot of emotional baggage, i'm still trying to solidify some of the skills i've been working on.

boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.

anyway, i'm doing a lot of introspection about the choices i make and my seemingly lackadaisical ability to refrain from acting on emotions that are unhealthy...which then lead to bad decisions. i've always been one to lead with my heart, not my head. but that stupid organ has failed me too many times to be trusted, by seeking instant gratification, or not considering consequences and after effects.

i don't know, how *do* you turn off your feelings? i don't think it's possible. in the past, i would just avoid acting on them, find distractions, let them die out on their own, write a list of reasons to rationalize an emotional situation. it works pretty well...for a while.

logic and reason only go so far when applied to affection.

it's always (and i don't use that word lightly) been hard for me to let go. i thought i had it *somewhat* mastered.

so, what to do? i'm still trying to figure that out.

monkeywrench

wow, so i haven't written in about three and a half months. i can't believe it's been that long, especially since i was writing almost every day. things got busy, i was doing a lot to relieve my back/chronic pain, but things were mostly smoothed out, sailing along, and i didn't make writing a priority. i was too busy living my life, content and satisfied.

i felt so much better physically, mentally, emotionally. i've come to terms with a lot of things and made progress by leaps and bounds this year, as far as personal goals i set for myself.

now, i'm really regretting not keeping us with this blog, because if anything, looking back on things is a way to avoid making the same mistakes again, and a way to refresh your memory about all those things that were good, that make you happy and proud.

i realize that for every accomplishment or step forward, regression and a few steps backward are par for the course. in my experience, things will progress fantastically for a while, and then there will be a bump (or a fucking landmine) in the road, and it feels like everything has gone to shit. i get thrown off course.

one big improvement is that my recovery time has shortened drastically. i get upset, i give myself a certain amount of time to grieve and wallow, then i do what i know will bring me back to life and i'm back on track.

and that's basically what has happened the past few weeks, except things keep happening that prevent me from fully recovering or doing what i need to do. i have fallen off the wagon of self care and goal achievement. i'd gotten into the zone of being focused on taking care of myself, doing what i need to do, studying, exercising, socializing, eating well, *sleeping*, all the things that i know i need to do to stay sane and stable.

and then one distraction, at first glance a positive one, managed to send all of that into a tailspin of amazingly careless and self-destructive habits in a matter of weeks. i haven't been sleeping or eating. i've lost about 6 lbs. in a month, i have lacked the ability to set healthy boundaries, i've been exceedingly reckless, and i put the needs of someone else above my own (never a good thing), especially when the other party doesn't do the same.

bottom line: i feel like a fucking idiot. it's so rare to find a connection with someone, especially an instant, intense, easy connection. i found one, and i let it overtake me. i let my emotions dictate my choices and didn't stop to think about what i was doing. i didn't stop to think if what i was doing was a good choice for me. i lost sight of what i needed to do, and i lost sight of myself.

i let someone in for the first time in a long time, and now i'm wondering if it's something i'll be able to do again. i've never been one to just shut down my feelings or who i am. i want to experience all that i can and not hide. fear isn't something i experience very often.

i have so many other positive, healthy, happy things in my life that i've let fall by the wayside in such a short amount of time. i'm ashamed...

i wanted to incorporate this new part into my world, have someone to share my happiness with, have someone who *gets* what matters to me without question or judgment. this other person seemed to want that, too - making friends with mine, building a foundation for something between us, talking about the future.

i never saw it coming, but how can you ever expect betrayal when it rears its stealthy head? even if you feel a slight blip of doubt, you don't want to believe it, at least i don't. despite my cynicism, i give the people in my life countless chances for redemption, and i trusted this person. i couldn't find a reason not to; an amazing feat for me. i gave everything that i could to be a caring, loving, supportive person, and it was all for nothing.

what do i learn from this: that everyone has the potential to be a wolf in sheep's clothing? that my judgment about others hasn't improved despite my best efforts and beliefs to the contrary? that i deserve to be treated badly? that the only way to be treated well or not walked on is to walk on others?

i can't do that. i don't want to believe any of those things, and i'm not the person i used to be. i'm doing my best to be a kinder, gentler me every day, but for what? few seem to appreciate or value that version of me. kindness and understanding seems to equal gullible, deserving disrespect, a doormat.

i'm not angry, i'm numb, confused, hurt. i feel like a fool.

what's the point in trying to give someone your all when pain is the end result?

"This pair of wing's worn and rusted
From too many years by my side
They can carry me, swear to be sturdy and strong
But see, turning them on still means goodbye"