getting better

the lovely and talented bob schneider...

so, yeah...yesterday kinda sucked, but i got over it pretty fast. i had to work last night, and i was dreading it, but once i got there, i focused and was distracted enough to let go of the anger and hurt i felt.

in the last few weeks, i've been trying to access community resources, which i've never had to do in my life. i called an organization that's affiliated with the church that my best friend in high school went to for years. i left them a message, they called me within two hours, and this afternoon a guy came over, took some information, pulled out a credit card and paid my electric bill.

awesome.

they're also going to help with my july rent, and this gentleman has a few other organizations that he's going to talk to on behalf. i've seriously never been so grateful for christians in my life. it's sad, but in my experience i have rarely seen the "loving, giving, accepting of everyone" christians.

i've mostly had the "shove it down your throat, if you don't do what i do you'll burn in hell, you don't go to church? you must have no soul" kind of experience. this fosters my distrust and dislike of organized religions.

thank buddha for buddhism because i can sit at home, or anywhere for that matter, and my surroundings become my own temple.

i still have things i have to worry about, but today went a long way to reassuring my weary soul.

p.s. this post is from june 21, 2011. sorry it's a *little* late in being posted.

daughter

so yeah, i'm about to just say fuck the world because i'm doing my best to keep my shit together, to not freak out, to do everyfuckingthing in my life on my own as far as taking care of myself, and someone who i thought loved me (and i'm not talking about a boyfriend or some random friend; this person is related to me by blood) said something that was so hurtful and heartless that i'm not really sure what to think.

i'm not a negative person, i really *do* have a lot of things in my life that make me happy, but i don't often blog about them because what am i gonna write? today was super!

how boring, and i don't tend to analyze why i'm happy. i go with it, relish the moment(s), and that's about it. if something out of the ordinary happens that is huge, positive, and unexpected, i *will* write about it...rarely...but the thing i really need to hash out is what i want to improve in my life.

plus, this person doesn't understand why i care about anything that i care about, so why mention it? so he can zone out while i describe in wonderment how i met eddie vedder, and talk about how fun pj20 will be? he doesn't get it, doesn't care.

yes, please ignore me when i talk about what matters most.

anyway, i know it's in my best interest to not let things like this get to me, but i'm already beyond stressed and working my best to take care of all my responsibilities, problems, and needs on my own without drowning. i don't have a lot of support, and it's easy to sit on your high horse of judgment when you have a spouse, a secretary, a full time job, a benefits package, and family to help you out.

i don't have any of those, despite my best efforts (and i'm a student, but that's my fault), and none of my family lives within a 200 mile radius. it amazes me that people who know what i've been through and can empathize and see how hard i bust my ass to keep my shit together tell me that i'm strong and resilient, and this person, who can't even pretend to sympathize with having debilitating depression that forced me to be hospitalized and on medication, thinks that i'm a glutton of self pity.

trust me, if i were to wallow in self pity, i would be dead.


"the picture kept will remind me..."

ill communication

so many of our interactions and relationships are dictated by communication. if you're completely lacking in the ability to express how you feel, you're bound to have problems in your interpersonal relationships.

it seems like a lot of people, at least in my experience, don't know how to say what they feel, or else are too scared of the repercussions, so they don't say anything at all, or wait until it's too late.

telling someone how you feel runs the risk of contempt, anger, ridicule, or worse: dead, empty silence.

i think i'm pretty good at telling people how i feel, thank you years of therapy, and i'm not afraid to tell someone that i like him, love her, think he's amazing. this doesn't just apply to romantic situations, but to my friends and family as well. does anyone ever get tired of hearing how much she matters, and how much someone loves him? i don't think so.

i also think that my lack of fear in this particular arena scares people. i don't expect what i say to be reciprocated; this isn't something i do in order to have the favor returned. life is short, and people seem so ready to complain (i know i do), bitch about their boy/girlfriends, family, why not be just as eager to say something nice, not only about that person, but *to* him as well?

another thing about communication: if you and another person are unable to talk to each other, if it almost seems like you're speaking different languages, it can be the death of whatever you have. i've been in these conversations...where i looked at the other person (almost always a guy, sorry) and wondered if he was even speaking english, our signals were so crossed. i couldn't even begin to wrap my brain around what the hell was coming out of his mouth.

i've also gotten so flustered and upset that i can't decipher what we're talking about. i realized a few years ago that when i get really emotional, especially during a "conversation" (fine, argument), my memory of the discussion almost completely disappears. i literally cannot tell you what i said two minutes ago, or what the other person said. my emotions overtake everything else.

so what do you do when you've known someone for a considerable length of time, and you realize that maybe a major problem all along, one of the main problems, is that person #1 hasn't been listening/didn't understand what person #2 was saying, leading person #2 to live in a constant state of frustration and snap at the smallest snub, leaving person #1 angry and feeling attacked a lot of the time?

at the beginning, in the middle, and at the end of this, both people have been unable to cross that divide, and unable to cut ties, either. see, *this* is why i hardly ever blog on fridays.

life is entirely too complicated...

change (in the house of flies)

yep, another fucking blog with the word change in it. that's really not what's been going on today, but what a great song.

what's really going on is booooooooredom. holy hell, i can't take it. i think the biggest contributing factor is my medication. so, here's the deal: i take 400 mg of one of my meds a day. if i go down to 300 (there is no 350 option), i'm bordering on mopey. at 400, i'm bordering on manic. i can work out two hours a day if i want, i have to make myself eat, i end up taking three ativan instead of two to avoid anxiety issues (the prescription is written for three a day, but i haven't needed the third one till they upped this other stupid medication), i can't sleep, i've lost weight, and i have to sit on my hands so i don't rip off my cuticles.

i don't have a psychiatrist for the summer, so i'm kind of on my own here, *plus*, i got a 90 supply of all my medication for the summer, and my prescription is for 400 mg capsules (used to be a handful of 100 mg caps a day, so i had options), so unless i'm gonna open one up and pour part of it out, i'm screwed for the next 83 days.

another reason for boredom: NO money. i can't afford to do *anything*, nothing, i'm not exaggerating. paying the rent in july? that's going to be a miracle. i've never been this broke in my entire life. it's beyond frustrating and a long story.

and the pool is closed for repairs, and it's 95 degrees outside, i have the attention span of a fly right now (a ha! there's the fly reference!). FML.

anyway, back to bored...and restless. i can't sit still. i did an hour on the elliptical tonight, lifted weights, did crunches, and i still could've ridden my bike ten miles and been okay. i didn't because i would've died of heat exhaustion.

i'm not sure what to do because i can't *stand* being bored, and it's not like i can focus and read or study or do anything remotely intellectual or educationally productive (horrible phrase, work with me here) because the restlessness kicks that to the curb.

so what do i do? i exercise, pace, drink...mostly water, but sometimes rum, do push ups, clean out closets and drawers and cabinets, take deep breaths, chew on the inside of my mouth, keep grayson from killing phoenix. but mostly, i think about how bored i am, so bored that i can't even think of anything fun to do at home. i've been watching tv, which i haven't done much of in months, but i have to pause it and get up every seven minutes.

i have so much useless energy and nothing to do with it. i can only do the elliptical for so long before i, guess what? get bored! i don't know if my back can handle running, and walking sucks. i know that a lot of this contradictory, and that's exactly how it feels in my brain and my body: wires crossed everywhere.

i don't wanna to go down to 300 mg because i do *not* want to feel depressed, nothing even remotely in the same ballpark as that bitch. this other option isn't so fun, but with everything else that's going on, i'd rather be high as a kite than hiding razor blades.

other than all that, i'm trying not to do stupid things that get me in trouble, which is what i usually do when i'm bored because at least *then* it's exciting. i don't know if that's working out so well...

i texted someone tonight that i said i wouldn't. i didn't take a blood oath or anything, just told myself it would be a bad idea. oops. it took like three days of thinking about it before i did it, so i wasn't completely irrationally spontaneous. still, oops.

and even worse: he misses me, he's thinking about me, he's thinking about things we used to do together, he wants to see me, blah blah blah.

yeah, back to the gym and hide the phone...

sleep to dream

ah, the lovely fiona...

i've been thinking all day about what to write, but i really don't have anything. i had a migraine for about 46 hours, and after resorting to horse tranquilizers, finally fell asleep at about 4am. i was groggy and tired the rest of the day, made myself go work out, but fell asleep for about an hour in the chair after getting some work done for my new job.

unfortunately, this is probably the most boring entry ever, but at least i'm writing something.

i really do love the lyrics to this song, one that will always remind me of an ex who, when we first started dating, was irresponsible, a dreamer, impractical. i, on the other hand, tried to be the exact opposite. i've never really considered myself one to have "dreams". i have goals, of course, but not lofty, impossible expectations that i assume will come to fruition with little to no effort. i also don't think that i'm special, and will be granted things by the sheer grace of the gods nor that i'm entitled.

granted, i've accomplished things with minimal effort, but that's due to my inherent predisposition, and the incredible genetic gene pool in which i was lucky enough to bob along in for nine months.

i think i've been incredibly fortunate and that someone is looking after me, and helping me along, giving me priceless gifts and memories that can in no way be attributed to anything or anyone else. i don't think this person is "God" or a god; i think it is someone i loved very much, more than any person i've ever known, who was taken entirely too soon.

people have attempted to besmirch his memory and malign his image in my eyes, but i will never believe that he was anything less than a wonderful, charming, funny man who loved me unconditionally. this man will forever be the most important, special person in my life and one of two people that i've always felt loved me for who i was, regardless of what i did.

wow, what a digression and tangential path away from the original topic. i really am tired; regardless, i miss that feeling, and him...

a praise chorus

i don't normally listen to jimmy eat world, but thank you ipod, for something that resonated with me today.

for whatever reason, i'm not going to question it, i'm feeling really good today. good...what a trite, overused word. i teach SAT prep classes, i should have a more extensive vocabulary. i feel wonderful, spectacular, peaceful, giddy...okay, enough adjectives.

i still have all the same problems that i had yesterday, but i've made several proactive moves in an attempt to alleviate my situation, which is reassuring, even though nothing has changed. at least i feel like i have some semblance of power in a powerless situation, and i asked for help, which isn't easy for me. i figure since i'm feeling delightful today, i'd relish it and embrace the practice of mindfulness.

too much of my life has been spent on worrying about past mistakes, or wondering what the future will bring, instead of just living wisely and presently in the moment. i've gotten much better at this, to the chagrin of some of my friends, because it's almost impossible for me to plan anything that happens more than a week in the future.

i've shut off my brain's ability to think past the next few days (even when it comes to school and goals), so the accusations and insinuations about my "expectations" that other people have foisted upon me couldn't be further from the truth. i'm doing my best to experience the day i'm in. it may be bad or good, but for every bay day, i try to learn something, and for every good day, i am grateful for what i have been given.

buddhists believe that life is basically misery...sadly, that's what drew me to it...however, an individual's goal is to identify what is causing the misery, decide how to get rid of it, and then banish it from his world. still working on that...anyway, learning from today is key.

one thing that i took away from the pain management program that has been immensely helpful, and changed both my perspective and my ability to handle stress, is the art of breathing. it's so easy, and something that i think gets overlooked 99% of the time. the best thing you can do to feel calm when you're overwhelmed, stressed, or anxious is to breathe.

i mean think about it, what is your breathing like when you're freaking out, having a panic attack, or ready to rip someone's head off? not too slow or soothing.

it sounds like a cliche, but it works. if you focus on breathing, slowly, evenly, in and out, you slow down mentally and physiologically. i've had days where i literally thought about my breathing for the entire day. every time i'd start to panic, i'd just focus on inhaling and exhaling, and not letting anything else in.

this is my praise for today: a day of serenity and pleasure. just take a deep breath; things will be better.

stupid

great song by
sarah mcicanneverrememberhowtospellherlastname...



i say this as a precursor to what is to follow, not as an arrogant statement, but as something that i have been told ever since i can remember: i'm an intelligent person.

growing up, my mom stressed *that* more than anything else, so it's something i've always valued and striven (strove? neither of those sounds correct, so much for the "intelligent" claim) for. she would tell me that i was beautiful, and funny, and blah blah blah, but intellect was of the highest esteem in our house.

having gotten that out of the way, i don't consider myself to be a dumb person, either; therefore, i don't quite understand why it is SO fucking difficult for me to learn certain lessons. i'm not an idiot, i put up with very little bullshit, and i'm pretty good at reading people.

i'm very upfront and open, but not in a tactless, brutal way; i just know what i want. i've been told by others that i'm brave, and thinking back, i guess i am.

so, WTF is wrong with me that i need to be smacked upside the head at least a dozen times (theoretically speaking) in order to learn a lesson that i've *already* learned 100 times before? apparently, i *didn't* learn it, or i wouldn't have to learn it again...

this doesn't apply to everything, mind you, mostly to situations involving how i'm treated by other people and what i'll allow in a relationship, be it friend, family, or boy.

other things in life, such as social etiquette, song lyrics, the birthdays of everyone i meet, *these* things i can commit to memory when i'm barely conscious. tell me your birthday, it's in there for life.

i can, however, also remember things that are vital, such as: always wash your hands after touching anything spicy, especially if you're going to stick your fingers in your eye. that's an important one.

i don't know if this (stubborn? we'll call it stubborn) behavior is something that is *so* deeply ingrained in me, it'll take years to slough off, but i want it gone...immediately...without question...buh bye.

i'm too old to blame my upbringing, and i've had enough therapy to know that i have other options and that it would be in my best interest to select one of *those*. they say that insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting a different outcome. i guess that fits in this instance...not that i consider myself insane, but whatever.

the proverbial "they" also say that a person won't change his patterns/behaviors unless they stop working for him. an asshole will always be an asshole if he's happy with the end result of his efforts; he has absolutely NO reason to change.

clearly, some of my patterns aren't working for me, and i need to find a few new ones. i wish they had a manual, something like "WHAT TO DO WHEN YOUR SUBCONSCIOUSLY SELF-DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIOR MANIFESTS ITSELF INTO A CONSCIOUS ONE: HOW TO PICK A SELF-EMPOWERING BEHAVIOR! (GUARANTEED RESULTS IN 30 DAYS, OR YOUR MONEY BACK)".

i do know that i have to change. admitting you have a problem is the first step, but apparently just knowing that i do dumb shit, and that i'll end up hurt, disappointed, and feeling like i need to take a chlorox shower isn't enough of an incentive for me. and neither is getting theoretically knocked upside the head.

maybe i need a *literal* whack to the head...

so-called chaos

alanis...

learning how to do things differently is a hell of a lot harder than learning how to do them the first time, especially if you learn by example, soak them up in your every day life, and don't realize that another way exists.

i've been trying so hard, and it's *still* a struggle to stop doing things that i know are unhealthy or stupid. over thirty years of doing things the "wrong" way, or thinking that a lack of boundaries and people treating you poorly is okay, is really difficult to get rid of, even when you don't want to be treated that way.

it may feel like shit, but it's comfortable, as screwed up as that is, and what you know seems to feel like home...for me, anyway. change is uncomfortable, usually messy, and always a work in progress. it takes time to learn new habits and settle into them. i feel like i'm constantly changing to undo what i've been taught, or to improve the ways i've decided to behave.

it also took me a long time to get used to the "quiet", as opposed to chaos. i think i've finally learned how to appreciate and relish it now in *most* areas of one life, but for one: that being in romantic relationships. i can't remember having a boyfriend who didn't bring drama or pandemonium to my life...including the "good relationships".

even if things eventually settled down, more often than not the beginning was less than ideal, and vice versa for relationships that began normally and in kind. a great start can fall to irreparable pieces in a matter of days. i almost crave that turmoil because it's better than boredom; at least it's something to keep my mind occupied and keep me from thinking about genuine issues of concern.

the gossiping hens in my head are too busy clucking to devote time to what really matters. it's also a way that i understand, a system where i know my place, and feel like i have one. i say that now, but when i get too close, or i get hurt, i go back to wishing that i lived a silent, boy-free life of monotony.

the grass is always greener...

walk

the foo fighters obsession continues...

i told myself i'd post every day since i started writing again, but i really don't have much to say at the moment. other than working out, i've been taking it pretty easy today in hopes of repairing some of the damage done to my mind and body this week. i felt horrible yesterday, and went to bed at about 8:00 and slept, with a few periods of consciousness, until 9:30 this morning.

i took a nap for about two hours. i'm still tired.

no, i haven't overslept; i know how that goes. i really think i'm *that* worn down and exhausted. this has happened to me before; when i have a week or two or a lot of stress and little sleep, it usually takes two or three days of doing nothing but resting to catch up.

plus, my body is being drained of iron as we speak, and that doesn't help.

anyway, hopefully i'll have something more exciting to write about tomorrow. in the meantime, here is the new video for what is currently one of my favorite songs:

weight of it all

matt nathanson...

i'm not sure what is going on, but this week i have *very* little ability to deal with anything good or bad, mostly bad. actually, i know part of what's going on: new moon, two months worth of SAT lessons and prep in a total of *maybe* 24 hours (which is an intellectual mind suck, to say the least), two days of training, very little sleep, lots of things on my mind, figuring out my new work schedule, stressing about the loss of my insurance, grayson almost broke my foot this morning, nerves are still acting up, i'm wondering if my 90 supply of meds will get here before my current supply runs out, trying to plan my research trip, and i can't remember *anything* and i need to make decisions that affect other people, so having some semblance of intellect or ability to plan/decide would be very helpful.

jesus, what next?

i can deal with a *lot* of shit, but i'm just burned out. i need about a 72 hour nap...straight through...no getting up, no dealing with the kids or FB or drama or parents or work or thinking or moving or pain or planning or money problems or emotions or scheduling.

what's strange is that i'm not worrying about a lot of those things because there's absolutely nothing i can do. i am powerless to control 99% of what happens in my life. i have thrown my proverbial hands up in the air. all i can control is myself.

however, my emotions are still there, i can't shut them off. the best i can do is refrain from acting out negatively. however, they've been weighing on me enough that i can barely stand up...i need to lay down.

i'm exhausted, i need a vacation, a break from reality. i was supposed to be out of town this week, and that fell the hell apart, so now i have to wait until july 5th.

awesome.

i may not make it.

i'd go to bed now, but it's night 2 of 3 of celebrating the bestie's birthday and i can't miss it. plus, the stupid fucking mavericks are playing and i can't miss that. fine, bed at 11, sleep till i meet my friend at 1:30 tomorrow?

i wish.

in my life

the blessed beatles...

ugh, i'm trying so hard to take the high road, and do what's best for me, but what the hell? the road is getting lower and lower, and i'm doing my best to resist.

the bestie and i got into a discussion tonight about connections, "psychic connections", or those that resonate deeply and seem to bind two people through no force that can be explained or verified. she and i share this link; i don't know if it's because we've known each other since 1980, or because we're just naturally in sync, but we're in each other's heads a lot, and more often than not when i text her, she is picking up the phone to text me (or vice versa).

i also have this "link" with my mom. i didn't even realize it until i was in my early 20s and she said that ever since i was a kid, i had the ability to read her mind. she'd think of something she'd promised me, and out of nowhere, i'd mention it (her internal response, "shit! i thought she had forgotten.")

as i've gotten older, i've paid more attention to this type of phenomenon, and anything that may be sixth sense-related, i.e. the ghost issue. i've had similar intuitions and experiences with close friends, my sisters, but i can't think of one guy, really.

except one...the person that i'm trying to eradicate all feelings for.

son of a bitch.

he and i clicked instantaneously; looking back, it was almost like a car crash: forceful, dangerous, and too fast to do anyone any good. within a few days he was able to get inside my head and say what i was thinking without even trying. i seemed to read him in a similar fashion, i thought.

i was at ease from the get go, in ways it normally takes months for me to feel comfortable. the synchronicity was intense and instant, like an elastic band effortlessly snapping into place. i think that's why this person is so embedded in my thoughts. i feel like we're connected somehow, and how do you break a connection with someone?

i haven't talked to my mom in about 50 weeks (not that i'm counting), but i thought about her over the weekend, and had an overwhelming desire to contact her, for absolutely *no* reason, and trust me, i pondered it quite a bit...not much else you can do when you're drugged up, in pain, and icing your entire lower body. i didn't do it because logically, i had no reason to do so, and i was able to recognize that.

i had to run an errand today, and i was about 1/2 a mile from her house. out of nowhere, i felt like i had to, *had* to go to her house *immediately*. it was a visceral, almost physical pull to turn my car around. i came so close, but then i had a moment of rational thought, and realized that it was a bad idea.

instantly, i started crying, even while singing. i couldn't help it; i was sad...sad for what i've lost, what i've always wanted, and what i'll never have. i think that's another reason i've felt overwhelmed and lost the past few days: i'm not sure where this primal mother-craving instinct is coming from, and it's throwing me for a loop. i worked through this months ago, but then again, i also heard my biological clock ticking like a time bomb the other day, so maybe that's a contributing factor.

i feel like my distance from my mom is equivalent to an addict or an alcoholic in recovery. our relationship is that much of a toxic (at this point) and unhealthy influence in my life; i don't want to lose my 350something days of sobriety. luckily, i've had the presence of mind to refrain from acting on wild impulses.

i'm trying to apply those skills to other areas of my life. i *know* there are ways to implement them, and if i could just have the willpower to do so, i'd be much better off. the thing is, part of me doesn't want to; part of me wants to cave, to give in, to feel that bond of understanding and shorthand, regardless of the repercussions. hell, it took 30+ years to break up with my mom, but then again, she's my mom. she literally grew me in her body like a pod.

that's the selfish, masochistic part of me that aches to be understood and unquestioned in what i value, the part of me that is tired of having to defend what i'm passionate about, and just wants to be unconditionally accepted. i think everyone has that desire.

if i've learned anything in the past year, however, it's that a bond with someone isn't necessarily healthy or in my best interest. i figured out a long time ago that just because someone has been in my life for decades doesn't mean they belong here; some people outgrow you, and you outgrow some people.

so i ask you: how do you break a connection with someone? i honestly have no idea...