daughter

so yeah, i'm about to just say fuck the world because i'm doing my best to keep my shit together, to not freak out, to do everyfuckingthing in my life on my own as far as taking care of myself, and someone who i thought loved me (and i'm not talking about a boyfriend or some random friend; this person is related to me by blood) said something that was so hurtful and heartless that i'm not really sure what to think.

i'm not a negative person, i really *do* have a lot of things in my life that make me happy, but i don't often blog about them because what am i gonna write? today was super!

how boring, and i don't tend to analyze why i'm happy. i go with it, relish the moment(s), and that's about it. if something out of the ordinary happens that is huge, positive, and unexpected, i *will* write about it...rarely...but the thing i really need to hash out is what i want to improve in my life.

plus, this person doesn't understand why i care about anything that i care about, so why mention it? so he can zone out while i describe in wonderment how i met eddie vedder, and talk about how fun pj20 will be? he doesn't get it, doesn't care.

yes, please ignore me when i talk about what matters most.

anyway, i know it's in my best interest to not let things like this get to me, but i'm already beyond stressed and working my best to take care of all my responsibilities, problems, and needs on my own without drowning. i don't have a lot of support, and it's easy to sit on your high horse of judgment when you have a spouse, a secretary, a full time job, a benefits package, and family to help you out.

i don't have any of those, despite my best efforts (and i'm a student, but that's my fault), and none of my family lives within a 200 mile radius. it amazes me that people who know what i've been through and can empathize and see how hard i bust my ass to keep my shit together tell me that i'm strong and resilient, and this person, who can't even pretend to sympathize with having debilitating depression that forced me to be hospitalized and on medication, thinks that i'm a glutton of self pity.

trust me, if i were to wallow in self pity, i would be dead.


"the picture kept will remind me..."

weight of it all

matt nathanson...

i'm not sure what is going on, but this week i have *very* little ability to deal with anything good or bad, mostly bad. actually, i know part of what's going on: new moon, two months worth of SAT lessons and prep in a total of *maybe* 24 hours (which is an intellectual mind suck, to say the least), two days of training, very little sleep, lots of things on my mind, figuring out my new work schedule, stressing about the loss of my insurance, grayson almost broke my foot this morning, nerves are still acting up, i'm wondering if my 90 supply of meds will get here before my current supply runs out, trying to plan my research trip, and i can't remember *anything* and i need to make decisions that affect other people, so having some semblance of intellect or ability to plan/decide would be very helpful.

jesus, what next?

i can deal with a *lot* of shit, but i'm just burned out. i need about a 72 hour nap...straight through...no getting up, no dealing with the kids or FB or drama or parents or work or thinking or moving or pain or planning or money problems or emotions or scheduling.

what's strange is that i'm not worrying about a lot of those things because there's absolutely nothing i can do. i am powerless to control 99% of what happens in my life. i have thrown my proverbial hands up in the air. all i can control is myself.

however, my emotions are still there, i can't shut them off. the best i can do is refrain from acting out negatively. however, they've been weighing on me enough that i can barely stand up...i need to lay down.

i'm exhausted, i need a vacation, a break from reality. i was supposed to be out of town this week, and that fell the hell apart, so now i have to wait until july 5th.

awesome.

i may not make it.

i'd go to bed now, but it's night 2 of 3 of celebrating the bestie's birthday and i can't miss it. plus, the stupid fucking mavericks are playing and i can't miss that. fine, bed at 11, sleep till i meet my friend at 1:30 tomorrow?

i wish.

21 things

since one of my reasons for writing this blog is to let people who are in my life know me a little better, here are 21 (somewhat interesting) facts about me. i also used another alanis song title for this entry because it was the first one i thought of that fit.

1. i still miss my grandfather, over 21 years after he passed away. i think of him everyday.
2. i'm so left handed that i have to start any activity with my left side. i put my pants on left foot first; same with shoes, jacket, shaving my legs, climbing stairs, tying my shoes, and doing my makeup.
3. i tweeze my eyebrows at stop lights to kill time. i think it makes the lights turn green faster, too.
4. i try not to use the words "always" and "never".
5. when i was born, i had blue eyes and black hair. when i was a baby, my eyes turned hazel, and my hair fell out and grew in blond.
6. i love to cook and bake.
7. my favorite number is 6, and my favorite color is pink.
8. i *hate* green bananas. they need to be bordering on rotten before i can eat them...and then i love them.
9. if i was forced lose any one of my senses, it would be taste.
10. i would never get a boy's name that i'm dating/involved with/married to tattooed on me, but i have five tattoos for a certain band.
11. to date, i haven't been married, engaged, or pregnant. i didn't even live with a boyfriend till i was almost 32.
12. i've had migraines since i was 19. the pain was so bad, i thought i was having an aneurysm.
13. i would love to learn how to play the cello.
14. i'm a terrible liar.
15. if i'm not laying down when i have blood drawn, i faint. i also have to be tattooed laying down or else i'll want to faint...or throw up.
16. i'm pretty sure there's a ghost in my apartment.
17. i had my appendix out when i was 29.
18. i love books. i didn't give any away until i was 27 and moving out of state, and realized that 50% of the boxes were books.
19. i lived in a lot of cities with the word "san" in the name: san antonio, san marcos, san jose, and i almost 30 residences.
20. my earliest memory is falling face first into a pond when i was about 2.
21. i have a rainman-like memory for dates, anniversaries, and birthdays.

low light

so, blog title is a pearl jam song. i could link the lyrics, but i'm really just writing to do it and i'm too tired to make the effort. *sorry* just to sum up this week:

trapped in the house since last friday night due to stomach virus, then apocalyptic ice conditions.

due to said ice, i have needed (and can't do) the following:

- RETURN MY OVERDUE F-ING LIBRARY BOOKS
- bathe my disgustingly filthy child (poor thing)
- wear anything other than flannel or sweat/yoga pants. i feel like i should be at an indigo girls concert or a bikram)
- move out of a 100 feet radius
- buy supplies for my valentine's card
- buy stamps
- go to the doctor at the pain management clinic who is supposed to verify that pain isn't making me suicidal
- get my super cheap laser hair removal done (groupon deal)
- go to guitar class
- go to the chiropractor's
- get my dissertation proposal done
- get grayson's vaccine
- take out the trash (yeah, it's on the patio; classy)
- not risk my life everytime i take phoenix outside due to a potential slip and fall
- have a 5 minute break from my children

i need a vacation, a dose of eddie, something!!
i have been able to listen to a lot of music, though; very nice.

and my second injection is tomorrow; wish me luck and a pain-free IV.

that's all i can think of for now, but viva la YIELD!! happy 13th birthday to one of my favorite albums (i'm old, they're albums, not CDs).

2/3/98

"don't you think you ought to rest?
don't you think you ought to lay your head down?
don't you think you wanna sleep?
don't you think you ought to lay your head down tonight?
don't you think you've got enough?
don't you think you've got enough, well maybe?
don't you think it's time to stop?
there's time enough for you to lay your head down tonight."

growin' up

i haven't posted in a few days because i had some kind of stomach bug/virus. sucked. so, i i'll use a bruce/eddie cover song as my title.

i feel like i bitch a lot in this blog, but at least i'm getting rid of what's bothering me and not carrying it around, and no one is forced to read it, so...

when the hell are girls going to grow up? once i was out of my 20s and could look back with a somewhat objective eye, i decided that most girls in their 20s are straight up crazy. for the most part, they are. i was one of those girls, i know. guys in their 20s have their own slew of issues, but girls have the crazy market cornered.

okay then, i'm closer to 40 than 30 now (ouch), and i still have these stoopid girls in my life who act like they're 14. granted, these girls are mostly younger than me (they may all be younger than me), but i'm still dealing with maturation retardation. yeah, i just made that up.

younger, but they're *not* 14.

at some point in my adult life, i figured out that not everyone you know is going to be your friend for the rest of your life. well, i actually knew that i when i was about 15, but after that...a few years later...i came to the realization that just because you've known someone for a long time, it doesn't necessarily mean you're going to be friends forever.

in fact, it's sometimes to your detriment to do so, so just throw that BFF collage away right now.

people change, grow up, grow apart, and a long relationship isn't indicative of a healthy one that you should maintain. hell, you don't keep a boyfriend forever, and most girls tend to give *lots* more time, attention, and importance to boyfriends than to friends, so why keep some dumb girl (who won't carry heavy stuff and beat up dudes to protect your honor) in your life?

obviously not necessarily the way i live my life, or i wouldn't have such a bad back.

when you decide to end a friendship, for me, at least i just let it die out and end naturally. i don't pitch a fit, or scream "i'm leaving!" because at that point, all you're trying to do is get attention. i'd rather just slip out the side door, quietly. i used to do that with boyfriends, and yes, you get attention, but testing people is never the way to go.

so these aforementioned chicks and their childish, vindictive, mean girl attitudes needs to go. if you stop being friends with someone, that doesn't mean it's okay to talk shit about them to other people or to make their lives difficult. actually, i *do* know a guy that does this, and he is *entirely* too old to act like this.

and yes, i'm guilty of doing dumb things and hurting people's feelings, but i've learned to really *try* not to intentionally hurt people that i care about. if i stop being friends with someone, but we have mutual friends, i don't talk about the former friend, and then when pushed, i'm as diplomatic as possible.

just let it go. move on, have some self-respect. most times, less is more. that goes for emotions, too.

caring is creepy

watching dexter is an illuminating experience for me, probably more so than other people. i'm pretty much convinced, fine completely convinced, that one of my ex-boyfriends is a psychopath. i was with him off and on for a long time, and i could never really understand the hold he had over me, or why i stayed until i had distance and clarity. i have a better understanding now.

for clarification, let's call my ex "A".

i know that A cheated on me relentlessly, lied pathologically, and when i was mad would say *exactly* what i wanted to hear to get me back. he even cried when needed. scarily, and sadly, i decided that he was a sociopath in 2001. we started dating in 1999, and i was with him until 2006. like i said, he had a hold over me.

in 2001, when i was working on my master's degree, i took a forensic psychology class, which i loved. one of the things that we discussed was the hare psychopathy test. when i took the class, there were 14 characteristics; the revised version now has 20.

here are the characteristics:

• glib and superficial charm
• grandiose (exaggeratedly high) estimation of self
• need for stimulation
• pathological lying
• cunning and manipulativeness
• lack of remorse or guilt
• shallow affect (superficial emotional responsiveness)
• callousness and lack of empathy
• parasitic lifestyle
• poor behavioral controls
• sexual promiscuity
• early behavior problems
• lack of realistic long-term goals
• impulsivity
• irresponsibility
• failure to accept responsibility for own actions
• many short-term marital relationships
• juvenile delinquency
• revocation of conditional release
• criminal versatility

now, A's never been married, so that one can be thrown out, and he has never been convicted of a crime as an adult, so he hasn't had a release revoked, but the rest of the traits? except for one, he pretty much has all of them.

*all* of them.

i'm not formulating my own diagnosis or trying to justify many bad decisions to stay in an admittedly bad relationship. i have a BA and MA in psychology, i worked as a group counselor and intake specialist in a psych hospital (oh, the irony), and did intensive in-home counseling for several home preservation programs. i'm not an idiot.

i started watching dexter because i heard from several people that it was a good show, and i've run out of things to watch. it's surprising that i didn't watch it sooner, because i love true crime tv shows, books, and movies. now that i've watched a few seasons, it's become more personal than i ever thought it would.

watching dexter's behaviors, many of which he narrates, has shed more light on A's way of thinking. it's also made me rethink things that he told me, like i "had more influence on him than anyone else." i believed him then, and i still do, but i don't think that i influenced him in a good way. i think he used me like he used everything else.

i was an example of how to be an emotional person, and how to be (and treat) someone in a committed relationship. not so much anymore, but when A and i were dating, i was an *extremely* emotional person. i also expressed what i wanted, liked, didn't like, thought was mean or unacceptable, and ridiculous. and i forgave him. a lot.

he has mutated over the years, and when i say "mutated" with all of the negative connotations that come to mind, that's what i mean. i think he has mutated based on what he thinks he's *supposed* to be, what clues he gathers from his environment, and what the people around him express that they want and need.

when i met A, he was 23, made a lot of money for doing not a lot of work, and had recently moved to dallas, which if you didn't know has some of the most plastic, sluttiest, looking-for-sugar-daddies girls in the world. easy pickings.

A spent a lot of money, slept around *a lot*, got a flashy car, stated that he'd never get married or even live with a girl, and didn't form one real or solid connection with anyone in the five years he lived here. he actually convinced his two best childhood friends to move down here. problem solved.

and like a sponge, i could feel A sucking my energy. he wouldn't talk unless it was something he was interested in (none of which i was interested in, but feigned), or i asked him endless questions about himself or things he liked: cars, sports. that's about it. i almost had to force conversations.

if you know me, zzzzzzzzzz. i really don't give a shit about cars and the endless specs about them. and i like sports, but how long can you discuss soccer moves? and i know *nothing* about volleyball, don't want to, never will. oh wait, there's sand, right? sometimes...

A thought it was weird that i liked to read, and couldn't understand why i wanted to further my education. he didn't want to get know himself, or his motivations, better. feelings; what are those? he treated me like i was a martian if i showed anything outside of a blank stare or happiness. he even went so far as to blame others for his despicable actions, like cheating.

he actually told me that he "didn't want to sleep with those girls." they "made" him do it. at the time, i almost threw something at him (or threw up), but now i think he may have been telling the truth, as much as was possible. A thought that these girls expected him to sleep with them. why was he in a physical location where it was possible to sleep with a bunch of other girls in the first place? another story altogether. A can't read emotion or body language, but he's a master at giving someone what they want, so even if he "didn't want" to sleep with them, he thought that he was doing what was "normal".

as he got older, he changed his viewpoints on a lot of things related to relationships. he relented on the co-habitation thing, then he decided he was up for marriage. i was the lucky recipient of the first, and in discussions for the second. he was militantly against having kids throughout all of this, however.

so, i talked to A at length a little over a year ago. it was like talking to a completely different person than the one i had known for over 10 years. he wants kids, he wants to get married asap, he wants to settle down, he just wants to find someone that he can have a deep and meaningful relationship with because everyone where he lives is shallow and vapid and no one understands him. *sob*

um, hello? who the hell are you?

i look at his facebook profile every now and then, too, and because of the privacy settings, i can't see much, which is fine by me. the one thing i can see is his favorite quotes, which really irritated me at first, now i just see it as spooky.

FIRST OF ALL, two of them are from 'into the wild'; he also had society (an eddie vedder song from the movie) as his myspace song for quite a while. if you've seen 'into the wild', my ex is *everything* that christopher mccandless was not.

he also has a quote from 'sex and the city', a quote that i TOLD him was my viewpoint about love, which he thought was ridiculous, along with other choice tidbits that are obviously geared toward creating an introspective, loving, boyfriend-type person.

oh.my.god.

i know that none of that is directed at me, but at future victims.

there are soooo many other things he has done over the years that are indicative of psychopathic tendencies, but i think the change over the years (and not the normal maturation of a man) is the worst. i feel violated, like my heart and mind were raped and photocopied, and the information was stored in A's brain to be integrated into his daily life.

here's one more example: he couldn't *stand* pearl jam when we were dating. the first time i got to shake eddie's hand, he picked a massive fight when i told him and pretty much ruined the whole experience. every time A and i broke up, i was the one to do it...all 877 times. i'd get fed up because he was an asshole, end it, and then call him a day, a week, or a month later.

i thought i had finally gotten away from him when i started dating *another* ex (i told you i recycled boyfriends). btw, this is the ex whose marriage i inadvertently ended, and this round of dating is when it happened. quite the tangled web, please try to keep up. make sure your fingers and toes are in, and place all of your carry ons under your seat.

i was dating another guy, and hadn't talked to A in six months, a RECORD!!

and then A called me, saying that he loooooved me, he wanted me back, blah blah blah. all the things he thought i'd fall for. and i told him that i was with someone else, i loved him, i was done. all that was well and good until the other guy and i broke up, and i somehow ended up talking to A, who was living about 1500 miles away at the time. he drove straight to dallas the next day, and a few days later, we were looking for something in his car and i found the entire pearl jam catalog.

what.the.hell.

when i asked him about it, he said he was listening to the CDs because he wanted to understand what mattered to me better, and he wanted to give them a chance because he knew how important the band was to me. he was trying to get closer to me. at that point, i believed him. i thought it was sweet and thoughtful, and quite the effort. now i see that he was trying another tactic to appear normal, or what he thought i expected normal to be.

when he and i lived together, it was in northern california, around the time of laci peterson's murder. one day, i realized that if i got pregnant, there was a chance that i could end up like her. i don't know if A would ever be capable of murder (never say never), but i felt that there was a very real possibility that he would get rid of a money-sucking, fun-ending child to which he bore financial responsibility for 18 years.

that's when i got out.

it's just a broken heart

despite what you may think, i'm pretty particular about what i listen to (i think), but i also have a varied taste in music. for the past week, i've been running to taylor swift's new cd. now i realize that i'm not 14, but it's a guilty pleasure and it keeps me moving. her songs are all about good relationships gone bad, stupid choices (hello, john mayer), regret; all things i can identify with.

my musical taste does tend to gravitate toward the depressing love song; songs about ended relationships, betrayal, regret, "why didn't this work out", "why did you leave me", "i have to leave you, it's for the best". ya know, the brokenhearted variety. apparently, this is a genetic trait, as my dad listens to the same uplifting genre.

which made me wonder why pearl jam (yep, they're back) and their music mean so much to me. they don't really do a lot of "relationship" songs, not like the kind i was referring to. i'd say that they write a lot of songs that are "emotional", but they're about emotional pain; anger, abuse, loneliness. again, things with which i can identify.

the first pearl jam song that got me was "black". i had heard "alive", "jeremy" (hell, the kid who they based the song on went to a high school in my district and i remember when it happened), but those songs really didn't click. but "black", how could you *not* love this?





aw, young ed...what passion, what a voice. yes, he's beautiful, too. totally beside the point.

it wasn't until i heard "black", a song about a relationship that has ended, and the pain, loss, and regret that the singer feels, that i got the tape (remember those?) and literally sat for hours on my best friend deirdre's bed, trying to figure out the freaking lyrics.

because ed wouldn't be ed if he made anything less than challenging, especially when it comes to his personal experiences.

i listened to that song over and over, and my freshman year of college, i even had the lines
"i know someday you'll have a beautiful life, i know you'll be a star in someone else's sky. why can't it be mine?"
written in chalk on my wall.

my roommate probably thought i was nuts, but it was there for a reason, and for a person: the first person that i really and truly loved. he was, to date, the best boyfriend i've had, and when your best relationship happens at 18 years old, you, my friend, are fucked.

so, despite fact that the majority of pearl jam's lyrics aren't about lost love, they *are* about the human condition, and the struggles that (apparently) a lot of people feel. because i'm not sitting alone in those arenas, stadiums, and theaters. i definitely wasn't alone at madison square garden last may, with tens of thousands of people screaming and singing louder than the band.

i did a project about pearl jam for one of my classes, a storytelling project, and i had to interview 25 people and ask them 25 questions.

question #25 was this:

Which of these words, if any, have led you to Pearl Jam’s music because you can relate to these things and/or have experience with them: pain (emotional or physical or both), feeling like an outsider or misunderstood, dissatisfied, hopeless, alone, seeking a connection?

without question, all 25 people picked almost all of them.

so i'm not alone.

while love may have led me to pearl jam (and has kept me around), pain, dissatisfaction, and feelings of being misunderstood have kept me here, even though i'm part of a community that welcomes me with open arms. in that, i feel a connection.

elsewhere? that's a different story.

the beginning...

before you start reading this blog, or any that follow, there is one thing you must know: when i'm not writing for business or professional purposes, capital letters are virtually non-existent for me. i know that this drives my dad crazy, but i talk fast, i think fast, and i type fast, and i don't have time for little things like the shift key. i will proofread the hell out of something, looking for misspellings because i'm a little OCD (needed here because it's an acronym) about things like that, but caps? eh.

i also tend to write in a stream-of-consciousness fashion, so if i ramble, change topics mid-sentence, or throw you for a loop here and there, welcome to my brain.

now...

so, the title of my blog is "much more than pearl jam", which i find somewhat ironic (or maybe highly, you be the judge) as one of the lines from one of my favorite pearl jam songs, "breath", is

"if i knew where it was, i would take you there. there's much more than this."

ha ha, how funny. ah, feel the irony, alanis.

i'm starting this blog because i don't really feel like i have a voice. yes, i have a literal voice, which you'd know if you've ever really pissed me off. i can scream with the best of them, although i haven't done it quite some time. i mean i'm looking for something is representative of me. i see a lot of people in my (grad school) program who are making, doing, writing, creating, and i feel like a slacker. i want to draw, write stories, play the guitar. i can do all of these things a little, but i'd like to have a better proficiency instead of feel like a lazy, untalented bum.

my friend jon sent me this youtube video about libras, which is my astrological sign. in the video, this wacky psychotherapist/astrology "expert" acts out the characteristics of a libra, and while she's a nutjob and i disagree with some of what she said, i do agree with this: i'm kinda good at a lot of things. see above paragraph, please.

there are a few things that i'm really good at: going to school, memorizing song lyrics, applying mascara while driving and looking at the road, tying a cherry stem into a knot with my tongue, but i'd like to feel like i have a "thing" that i'm known for or that defines me. what most people know or associate with me is...you guessed it: pearl jam.

i've been reading for my qualifying exams, which to sum up, consist of four exams that essentially test what you've been learning in the phd program. one of my friends referred to it, aptly, as academic water boarding. so, i'm reading this book about fandom, (because my dissertation is about pearl jam and the fan community. i *cannot* get away from this band!) and it discusses the levels and types of fandom. if you're really into a band, a sports team, whatever, and you wear shirts with their logos, buy memorabilia, gather with other people to enjoy the object of your idolatry, etc., you're pretty much in the upper tiers of the fan theory spectrum.

when fandom truly becomes a facet of your identity, it's what you're known for or what you present yourself as. back to wanting to be seen as something more than a pearl jam fan...i really am! although you wouldn't believe it from reading this so far.

on that note, a gratuitous picture of eddie at this year's bridge school benefit concert:












ah, so much better now.

anyway...i do want to be seen as something more than a fan, but it's a huge part of my identity. it's one thing i'm truly passionate about. i'm passionate about a lot of things. remember, i'm kinda good at a lot of things; being passionate is one of them.

i think i take for granted the fact that i have something in my life that i love so much. a few years ago, i was talking to one of my friends about a trip i was taking to see eddie in concert in chicago, and she looked at me and said, "you're really lucky. i'd kill to have something that means that much to me."

i never really thought about it. doesn't everyone have something that keeps them alive, that they'd die for, that they can't live without? i'm not talking about a significant other, or someone you're stalking on facebook, i mean a true, deep, sincere love (fine, obsession)

...and on a side note, i'm not really sure why i'm ellipses happy today...

of something. even if it's eating chocolate cake, and you try chocolate cake at every restaurant you can find, and travel the world searching for the best, most perfect chocolate cake ever. i'm not sure where i was going with all of this, except to say that I LIKE THINGS OTHER THAN PEARL JAM. sorry, caps were necessary.

and after all that, and proclaiming my non-pearl-jam-affiliated-persona, there is hardly anything else that affects me the way they do. whether it be lyrics or looking at a picture of eddie (yes, he's my favorite, although not everyone's), pearl jam just makes me happy. this seems like such a simple concept, but it's so hard to achieve.

i mean, everyone wants to happy, right? *crickets*
except those crazy drama queens who thrive on misery and bitching. i know i want to be happy, i'm working really hard to be happy, and to have something that you can listen to, look at, or participate in that improves your day, your week, your life, that is magical. i happen to be lucky enough to have an entire group of people that get me and understand where i'm coming from and what moves me. that's a rare, precious thing.

i'm not sure if i conveyed what i wanted to, or if anyone will get what i'm saying, but i can always come back to it later. i'll mull on it over a nice slice of chocolate cake. : )