getting better

the lovely and talented bob schneider...

so, yeah...yesterday kinda sucked, but i got over it pretty fast. i had to work last night, and i was dreading it, but once i got there, i focused and was distracted enough to let go of the anger and hurt i felt.

in the last few weeks, i've been trying to access community resources, which i've never had to do in my life. i called an organization that's affiliated with the church that my best friend in high school went to for years. i left them a message, they called me within two hours, and this afternoon a guy came over, took some information, pulled out a credit card and paid my electric bill.

awesome.

they're also going to help with my july rent, and this gentleman has a few other organizations that he's going to talk to on behalf. i've seriously never been so grateful for christians in my life. it's sad, but in my experience i have rarely seen the "loving, giving, accepting of everyone" christians.

i've mostly had the "shove it down your throat, if you don't do what i do you'll burn in hell, you don't go to church? you must have no soul" kind of experience. this fosters my distrust and dislike of organized religions.

thank buddha for buddhism because i can sit at home, or anywhere for that matter, and my surroundings become my own temple.

i still have things i have to worry about, but today went a long way to reassuring my weary soul.

p.s. this post is from june 21, 2011. sorry it's a *little* late in being posted.

daughter

so yeah, i'm about to just say fuck the world because i'm doing my best to keep my shit together, to not freak out, to do everyfuckingthing in my life on my own as far as taking care of myself, and someone who i thought loved me (and i'm not talking about a boyfriend or some random friend; this person is related to me by blood) said something that was so hurtful and heartless that i'm not really sure what to think.

i'm not a negative person, i really *do* have a lot of things in my life that make me happy, but i don't often blog about them because what am i gonna write? today was super!

how boring, and i don't tend to analyze why i'm happy. i go with it, relish the moment(s), and that's about it. if something out of the ordinary happens that is huge, positive, and unexpected, i *will* write about it...rarely...but the thing i really need to hash out is what i want to improve in my life.

plus, this person doesn't understand why i care about anything that i care about, so why mention it? so he can zone out while i describe in wonderment how i met eddie vedder, and talk about how fun pj20 will be? he doesn't get it, doesn't care.

yes, please ignore me when i talk about what matters most.

anyway, i know it's in my best interest to not let things like this get to me, but i'm already beyond stressed and working my best to take care of all my responsibilities, problems, and needs on my own without drowning. i don't have a lot of support, and it's easy to sit on your high horse of judgment when you have a spouse, a secretary, a full time job, a benefits package, and family to help you out.

i don't have any of those, despite my best efforts (and i'm a student, but that's my fault), and none of my family lives within a 200 mile radius. it amazes me that people who know what i've been through and can empathize and see how hard i bust my ass to keep my shit together tell me that i'm strong and resilient, and this person, who can't even pretend to sympathize with having debilitating depression that forced me to be hospitalized and on medication, thinks that i'm a glutton of self pity.

trust me, if i were to wallow in self pity, i would be dead.


"the picture kept will remind me..."

ill communication

so many of our interactions and relationships are dictated by communication. if you're completely lacking in the ability to express how you feel, you're bound to have problems in your interpersonal relationships.

it seems like a lot of people, at least in my experience, don't know how to say what they feel, or else are too scared of the repercussions, so they don't say anything at all, or wait until it's too late.

telling someone how you feel runs the risk of contempt, anger, ridicule, or worse: dead, empty silence.

i think i'm pretty good at telling people how i feel, thank you years of therapy, and i'm not afraid to tell someone that i like him, love her, think he's amazing. this doesn't just apply to romantic situations, but to my friends and family as well. does anyone ever get tired of hearing how much she matters, and how much someone loves him? i don't think so.

i also think that my lack of fear in this particular arena scares people. i don't expect what i say to be reciprocated; this isn't something i do in order to have the favor returned. life is short, and people seem so ready to complain (i know i do), bitch about their boy/girlfriends, family, why not be just as eager to say something nice, not only about that person, but *to* him as well?

another thing about communication: if you and another person are unable to talk to each other, if it almost seems like you're speaking different languages, it can be the death of whatever you have. i've been in these conversations...where i looked at the other person (almost always a guy, sorry) and wondered if he was even speaking english, our signals were so crossed. i couldn't even begin to wrap my brain around what the hell was coming out of his mouth.

i've also gotten so flustered and upset that i can't decipher what we're talking about. i realized a few years ago that when i get really emotional, especially during a "conversation" (fine, argument), my memory of the discussion almost completely disappears. i literally cannot tell you what i said two minutes ago, or what the other person said. my emotions overtake everything else.

so what do you do when you've known someone for a considerable length of time, and you realize that maybe a major problem all along, one of the main problems, is that person #1 hasn't been listening/didn't understand what person #2 was saying, leading person #2 to live in a constant state of frustration and snap at the smallest snub, leaving person #1 angry and feeling attacked a lot of the time?

at the beginning, in the middle, and at the end of this, both people have been unable to cross that divide, and unable to cut ties, either. see, *this* is why i hardly ever blog on fridays.

life is entirely too complicated...

change (in the house of flies)

yep, another fucking blog with the word change in it. that's really not what's been going on today, but what a great song.

what's really going on is booooooooredom. holy hell, i can't take it. i think the biggest contributing factor is my medication. so, here's the deal: i take 400 mg of one of my meds a day. if i go down to 300 (there is no 350 option), i'm bordering on mopey. at 400, i'm bordering on manic. i can work out two hours a day if i want, i have to make myself eat, i end up taking three ativan instead of two to avoid anxiety issues (the prescription is written for three a day, but i haven't needed the third one till they upped this other stupid medication), i can't sleep, i've lost weight, and i have to sit on my hands so i don't rip off my cuticles.

i don't have a psychiatrist for the summer, so i'm kind of on my own here, *plus*, i got a 90 supply of all my medication for the summer, and my prescription is for 400 mg capsules (used to be a handful of 100 mg caps a day, so i had options), so unless i'm gonna open one up and pour part of it out, i'm screwed for the next 83 days.

another reason for boredom: NO money. i can't afford to do *anything*, nothing, i'm not exaggerating. paying the rent in july? that's going to be a miracle. i've never been this broke in my entire life. it's beyond frustrating and a long story.

and the pool is closed for repairs, and it's 95 degrees outside, i have the attention span of a fly right now (a ha! there's the fly reference!). FML.

anyway, back to bored...and restless. i can't sit still. i did an hour on the elliptical tonight, lifted weights, did crunches, and i still could've ridden my bike ten miles and been okay. i didn't because i would've died of heat exhaustion.

i'm not sure what to do because i can't *stand* being bored, and it's not like i can focus and read or study or do anything remotely intellectual or educationally productive (horrible phrase, work with me here) because the restlessness kicks that to the curb.

so what do i do? i exercise, pace, drink...mostly water, but sometimes rum, do push ups, clean out closets and drawers and cabinets, take deep breaths, chew on the inside of my mouth, keep grayson from killing phoenix. but mostly, i think about how bored i am, so bored that i can't even think of anything fun to do at home. i've been watching tv, which i haven't done much of in months, but i have to pause it and get up every seven minutes.

i have so much useless energy and nothing to do with it. i can only do the elliptical for so long before i, guess what? get bored! i don't know if my back can handle running, and walking sucks. i know that a lot of this contradictory, and that's exactly how it feels in my brain and my body: wires crossed everywhere.

i don't wanna to go down to 300 mg because i do *not* want to feel depressed, nothing even remotely in the same ballpark as that bitch. this other option isn't so fun, but with everything else that's going on, i'd rather be high as a kite than hiding razor blades.

other than all that, i'm trying not to do stupid things that get me in trouble, which is what i usually do when i'm bored because at least *then* it's exciting. i don't know if that's working out so well...

i texted someone tonight that i said i wouldn't. i didn't take a blood oath or anything, just told myself it would be a bad idea. oops. it took like three days of thinking about it before i did it, so i wasn't completely irrationally spontaneous. still, oops.

and even worse: he misses me, he's thinking about me, he's thinking about things we used to do together, he wants to see me, blah blah blah.

yeah, back to the gym and hide the phone...

sleep to dream

ah, the lovely fiona...

i've been thinking all day about what to write, but i really don't have anything. i had a migraine for about 46 hours, and after resorting to horse tranquilizers, finally fell asleep at about 4am. i was groggy and tired the rest of the day, made myself go work out, but fell asleep for about an hour in the chair after getting some work done for my new job.

unfortunately, this is probably the most boring entry ever, but at least i'm writing something.

i really do love the lyrics to this song, one that will always remind me of an ex who, when we first started dating, was irresponsible, a dreamer, impractical. i, on the other hand, tried to be the exact opposite. i've never really considered myself one to have "dreams". i have goals, of course, but not lofty, impossible expectations that i assume will come to fruition with little to no effort. i also don't think that i'm special, and will be granted things by the sheer grace of the gods nor that i'm entitled.

granted, i've accomplished things with minimal effort, but that's due to my inherent predisposition, and the incredible genetic gene pool in which i was lucky enough to bob along in for nine months.

i think i've been incredibly fortunate and that someone is looking after me, and helping me along, giving me priceless gifts and memories that can in no way be attributed to anything or anyone else. i don't think this person is "God" or a god; i think it is someone i loved very much, more than any person i've ever known, who was taken entirely too soon.

people have attempted to besmirch his memory and malign his image in my eyes, but i will never believe that he was anything less than a wonderful, charming, funny man who loved me unconditionally. this man will forever be the most important, special person in my life and one of two people that i've always felt loved me for who i was, regardless of what i did.

wow, what a digression and tangential path away from the original topic. i really am tired; regardless, i miss that feeling, and him...

a praise chorus

i don't normally listen to jimmy eat world, but thank you ipod, for something that resonated with me today.

for whatever reason, i'm not going to question it, i'm feeling really good today. good...what a trite, overused word. i teach SAT prep classes, i should have a more extensive vocabulary. i feel wonderful, spectacular, peaceful, giddy...okay, enough adjectives.

i still have all the same problems that i had yesterday, but i've made several proactive moves in an attempt to alleviate my situation, which is reassuring, even though nothing has changed. at least i feel like i have some semblance of power in a powerless situation, and i asked for help, which isn't easy for me. i figure since i'm feeling delightful today, i'd relish it and embrace the practice of mindfulness.

too much of my life has been spent on worrying about past mistakes, or wondering what the future will bring, instead of just living wisely and presently in the moment. i've gotten much better at this, to the chagrin of some of my friends, because it's almost impossible for me to plan anything that happens more than a week in the future.

i've shut off my brain's ability to think past the next few days (even when it comes to school and goals), so the accusations and insinuations about my "expectations" that other people have foisted upon me couldn't be further from the truth. i'm doing my best to experience the day i'm in. it may be bad or good, but for every bay day, i try to learn something, and for every good day, i am grateful for what i have been given.

buddhists believe that life is basically misery...sadly, that's what drew me to it...however, an individual's goal is to identify what is causing the misery, decide how to get rid of it, and then banish it from his world. still working on that...anyway, learning from today is key.

one thing that i took away from the pain management program that has been immensely helpful, and changed both my perspective and my ability to handle stress, is the art of breathing. it's so easy, and something that i think gets overlooked 99% of the time. the best thing you can do to feel calm when you're overwhelmed, stressed, or anxious is to breathe.

i mean think about it, what is your breathing like when you're freaking out, having a panic attack, or ready to rip someone's head off? not too slow or soothing.

it sounds like a cliche, but it works. if you focus on breathing, slowly, evenly, in and out, you slow down mentally and physiologically. i've had days where i literally thought about my breathing for the entire day. every time i'd start to panic, i'd just focus on inhaling and exhaling, and not letting anything else in.

this is my praise for today: a day of serenity and pleasure. just take a deep breath; things will be better.

stupid

great song by
sarah mcicanneverrememberhowtospellherlastname...



i say this as a precursor to what is to follow, not as an arrogant statement, but as something that i have been told ever since i can remember: i'm an intelligent person.

growing up, my mom stressed *that* more than anything else, so it's something i've always valued and striven (strove? neither of those sounds correct, so much for the "intelligent" claim) for. she would tell me that i was beautiful, and funny, and blah blah blah, but intellect was of the highest esteem in our house.

having gotten that out of the way, i don't consider myself to be a dumb person, either; therefore, i don't quite understand why it is SO fucking difficult for me to learn certain lessons. i'm not an idiot, i put up with very little bullshit, and i'm pretty good at reading people.

i'm very upfront and open, but not in a tactless, brutal way; i just know what i want. i've been told by others that i'm brave, and thinking back, i guess i am.

so, WTF is wrong with me that i need to be smacked upside the head at least a dozen times (theoretically speaking) in order to learn a lesson that i've *already* learned 100 times before? apparently, i *didn't* learn it, or i wouldn't have to learn it again...

this doesn't apply to everything, mind you, mostly to situations involving how i'm treated by other people and what i'll allow in a relationship, be it friend, family, or boy.

other things in life, such as social etiquette, song lyrics, the birthdays of everyone i meet, *these* things i can commit to memory when i'm barely conscious. tell me your birthday, it's in there for life.

i can, however, also remember things that are vital, such as: always wash your hands after touching anything spicy, especially if you're going to stick your fingers in your eye. that's an important one.

i don't know if this (stubborn? we'll call it stubborn) behavior is something that is *so* deeply ingrained in me, it'll take years to slough off, but i want it gone...immediately...without question...buh bye.

i'm too old to blame my upbringing, and i've had enough therapy to know that i have other options and that it would be in my best interest to select one of *those*. they say that insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting a different outcome. i guess that fits in this instance...not that i consider myself insane, but whatever.

the proverbial "they" also say that a person won't change his patterns/behaviors unless they stop working for him. an asshole will always be an asshole if he's happy with the end result of his efforts; he has absolutely NO reason to change.

clearly, some of my patterns aren't working for me, and i need to find a few new ones. i wish they had a manual, something like "WHAT TO DO WHEN YOUR SUBCONSCIOUSLY SELF-DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIOR MANIFESTS ITSELF INTO A CONSCIOUS ONE: HOW TO PICK A SELF-EMPOWERING BEHAVIOR! (GUARANTEED RESULTS IN 30 DAYS, OR YOUR MONEY BACK)".

i do know that i have to change. admitting you have a problem is the first step, but apparently just knowing that i do dumb shit, and that i'll end up hurt, disappointed, and feeling like i need to take a chlorox shower isn't enough of an incentive for me. and neither is getting theoretically knocked upside the head.

maybe i need a *literal* whack to the head...

so-called chaos

alanis...

learning how to do things differently is a hell of a lot harder than learning how to do them the first time, especially if you learn by example, soak them up in your every day life, and don't realize that another way exists.

i've been trying so hard, and it's *still* a struggle to stop doing things that i know are unhealthy or stupid. over thirty years of doing things the "wrong" way, or thinking that a lack of boundaries and people treating you poorly is okay, is really difficult to get rid of, even when you don't want to be treated that way.

it may feel like shit, but it's comfortable, as screwed up as that is, and what you know seems to feel like home...for me, anyway. change is uncomfortable, usually messy, and always a work in progress. it takes time to learn new habits and settle into them. i feel like i'm constantly changing to undo what i've been taught, or to improve the ways i've decided to behave.

it also took me a long time to get used to the "quiet", as opposed to chaos. i think i've finally learned how to appreciate and relish it now in *most* areas of one life, but for one: that being in romantic relationships. i can't remember having a boyfriend who didn't bring drama or pandemonium to my life...including the "good relationships".

even if things eventually settled down, more often than not the beginning was less than ideal, and vice versa for relationships that began normally and in kind. a great start can fall to irreparable pieces in a matter of days. i almost crave that turmoil because it's better than boredom; at least it's something to keep my mind occupied and keep me from thinking about genuine issues of concern.

the gossiping hens in my head are too busy clucking to devote time to what really matters. it's also a way that i understand, a system where i know my place, and feel like i have one. i say that now, but when i get too close, or i get hurt, i go back to wishing that i lived a silent, boy-free life of monotony.

the grass is always greener...

walk

the foo fighters obsession continues...

i told myself i'd post every day since i started writing again, but i really don't have much to say at the moment. other than working out, i've been taking it pretty easy today in hopes of repairing some of the damage done to my mind and body this week. i felt horrible yesterday, and went to bed at about 8:00 and slept, with a few periods of consciousness, until 9:30 this morning.

i took a nap for about two hours. i'm still tired.

no, i haven't overslept; i know how that goes. i really think i'm *that* worn down and exhausted. this has happened to me before; when i have a week or two or a lot of stress and little sleep, it usually takes two or three days of doing nothing but resting to catch up.

plus, my body is being drained of iron as we speak, and that doesn't help.

anyway, hopefully i'll have something more exciting to write about tomorrow. in the meantime, here is the new video for what is currently one of my favorite songs:

weight of it all

matt nathanson...

i'm not sure what is going on, but this week i have *very* little ability to deal with anything good or bad, mostly bad. actually, i know part of what's going on: new moon, two months worth of SAT lessons and prep in a total of *maybe* 24 hours (which is an intellectual mind suck, to say the least), two days of training, very little sleep, lots of things on my mind, figuring out my new work schedule, stressing about the loss of my insurance, grayson almost broke my foot this morning, nerves are still acting up, i'm wondering if my 90 supply of meds will get here before my current supply runs out, trying to plan my research trip, and i can't remember *anything* and i need to make decisions that affect other people, so having some semblance of intellect or ability to plan/decide would be very helpful.

jesus, what next?

i can deal with a *lot* of shit, but i'm just burned out. i need about a 72 hour nap...straight through...no getting up, no dealing with the kids or FB or drama or parents or work or thinking or moving or pain or planning or money problems or emotions or scheduling.

what's strange is that i'm not worrying about a lot of those things because there's absolutely nothing i can do. i am powerless to control 99% of what happens in my life. i have thrown my proverbial hands up in the air. all i can control is myself.

however, my emotions are still there, i can't shut them off. the best i can do is refrain from acting out negatively. however, they've been weighing on me enough that i can barely stand up...i need to lay down.

i'm exhausted, i need a vacation, a break from reality. i was supposed to be out of town this week, and that fell the hell apart, so now i have to wait until july 5th.

awesome.

i may not make it.

i'd go to bed now, but it's night 2 of 3 of celebrating the bestie's birthday and i can't miss it. plus, the stupid fucking mavericks are playing and i can't miss that. fine, bed at 11, sleep till i meet my friend at 1:30 tomorrow?

i wish.

in my life

the blessed beatles...

ugh, i'm trying so hard to take the high road, and do what's best for me, but what the hell? the road is getting lower and lower, and i'm doing my best to resist.

the bestie and i got into a discussion tonight about connections, "psychic connections", or those that resonate deeply and seem to bind two people through no force that can be explained or verified. she and i share this link; i don't know if it's because we've known each other since 1980, or because we're just naturally in sync, but we're in each other's heads a lot, and more often than not when i text her, she is picking up the phone to text me (or vice versa).

i also have this "link" with my mom. i didn't even realize it until i was in my early 20s and she said that ever since i was a kid, i had the ability to read her mind. she'd think of something she'd promised me, and out of nowhere, i'd mention it (her internal response, "shit! i thought she had forgotten.")

as i've gotten older, i've paid more attention to this type of phenomenon, and anything that may be sixth sense-related, i.e. the ghost issue. i've had similar intuitions and experiences with close friends, my sisters, but i can't think of one guy, really.

except one...the person that i'm trying to eradicate all feelings for.

son of a bitch.

he and i clicked instantaneously; looking back, it was almost like a car crash: forceful, dangerous, and too fast to do anyone any good. within a few days he was able to get inside my head and say what i was thinking without even trying. i seemed to read him in a similar fashion, i thought.

i was at ease from the get go, in ways it normally takes months for me to feel comfortable. the synchronicity was intense and instant, like an elastic band effortlessly snapping into place. i think that's why this person is so embedded in my thoughts. i feel like we're connected somehow, and how do you break a connection with someone?

i haven't talked to my mom in about 50 weeks (not that i'm counting), but i thought about her over the weekend, and had an overwhelming desire to contact her, for absolutely *no* reason, and trust me, i pondered it quite a bit...not much else you can do when you're drugged up, in pain, and icing your entire lower body. i didn't do it because logically, i had no reason to do so, and i was able to recognize that.

i had to run an errand today, and i was about 1/2 a mile from her house. out of nowhere, i felt like i had to, *had* to go to her house *immediately*. it was a visceral, almost physical pull to turn my car around. i came so close, but then i had a moment of rational thought, and realized that it was a bad idea.

instantly, i started crying, even while singing. i couldn't help it; i was sad...sad for what i've lost, what i've always wanted, and what i'll never have. i think that's another reason i've felt overwhelmed and lost the past few days: i'm not sure where this primal mother-craving instinct is coming from, and it's throwing me for a loop. i worked through this months ago, but then again, i also heard my biological clock ticking like a time bomb the other day, so maybe that's a contributing factor.

i feel like my distance from my mom is equivalent to an addict or an alcoholic in recovery. our relationship is that much of a toxic (at this point) and unhealthy influence in my life; i don't want to lose my 350something days of sobriety. luckily, i've had the presence of mind to refrain from acting on wild impulses.

i'm trying to apply those skills to other areas of my life. i *know* there are ways to implement them, and if i could just have the willpower to do so, i'd be much better off. the thing is, part of me doesn't want to; part of me wants to cave, to give in, to feel that bond of understanding and shorthand, regardless of the repercussions. hell, it took 30+ years to break up with my mom, but then again, she's my mom. she literally grew me in her body like a pod.

that's the selfish, masochistic part of me that aches to be understood and unquestioned in what i value, the part of me that is tired of having to defend what i'm passionate about, and just wants to be unconditionally accepted. i think everyone has that desire.

if i've learned anything in the past year, however, it's that a bond with someone isn't necessarily healthy or in my best interest. i figured out a long time ago that just because someone has been in my life for decades doesn't mean they belong here; some people outgrow you, and you outgrow some people.

so i ask you: how do you break a connection with someone? i honestly have no idea...

over and out

title? back to the foos...

seriously, how many times can someone be inconsiderate, selfish, immature, and emotionally retarded before i just say 'fuck it' and walk away? it used to be quite a few. sorry, but that's what i knew and how i chose to live my life. i thought i'd stopped that shit, but apparently i need to be smacked in the head a few more times, humiliated, and become a nervous wreck before i give up.

i've tried being nice, i've tried telling this person how i feel (no acknowledgement, instead he/she ignored everything i said because to acknowledge would mean an adult, SOBER conversation), i've tried to be understanding, i've tried to elicit a positive emotion or some semblance of a mature response, but i'm done. if you can't even admit that you contacted me because you wanted to talk to me/say hi, wtf is wrong with you?

hell, wtf is wrong with me?

this person does *not* deserve any more excuses or coddling from me, or by me. i don't wish this individual any harm, but i can't have this behavior in my life. if you're going to be self-destructive and kill every good thing in your life, i refuse to be a casualty. i wanted to be there, i wanted to love you, but you sabotaged everything.

i read my tarot cards last night, and while some people don't believe them, i do (or i probably wouldn't be reading them, duh), and they were right on the money...eerily so.

this person is in the way of where i need to go with my life; this person has betrayed me and lied to me, involving a third party; i want a happy resolution, but that particular outcome is still up in the air. i think after today it's on the ground and buried. i wish the situation were different, but things feel broken beyond repair.

i've also been feeling *extremely* overwhelmed and emotionally overloaded the past few days, and i'm really not sure why. the weekend was pretty uneventful, but i feel like i'm under so much pressure: financial, academic, job, family. i guess when you add all that up, feeling overwhelmed is an appropriate response. however, i deal with all that shit on a daily basis, and pretty much shrug it off, or deal with it and get over it.

i know that being in incredible pain since i had the rhizotomy done last week isn't helping. i'm supposed to have about six months without pain once it "takes effect", but in the meantime i feel like i'm making up for that lost time now. my entire lower body feels like i'm alternately getting zapped with electrodes, poked with forks, hit with a sledge hammer, or dragged behind a car. when pain is bad enough to make me cry, it's really, really bad.

i'm not exaggerating; i wish i were.

anyway, the original point of this post (removing myself from a situation that has been adding grief, pain, and frustration to my life) is that i have to take care of myself. i have too much going on to have someone treat me so poorly, and obviously neither of us should be in the other's life.


sadly, despite the remnants of affection i feel for this person, i'm out.

(your head holds gold) your heart holds diamonds

in keeping with the theme of song titles for blog titles, this is a bob schneider song, but good luck finding the lyrics. they're nowhere online.

yep, i wrote a few weeks ago, and thought that i'd keep it up, but there have been a few things going on that i didn't really want to write about, that i needed time to process, and didn't want to share. i'm still processing...

there are a lot of things going on in my head right now. in a way, i feel like i'm coming to a crossroads. i'm not a TA for the summer, starting tomorrow my insurance will be on hiatus until september 1st, i started a new job, i'm supposed to be studying for my qualifying exams (that is increasingly difficult), and i'm doing research for my dissertation.

add to that the fact that i'm really burned out on school, i'm increasingly unhappy living in dallas, and i'm tired of constantly scrambling for money.

another issue is that without insurance, i have to cut back my visits to my therapist. luckily, it only costs about $40 to see her without insurance. however, my stupid insurance has refused to commit to a contract with her office, and they won't pay for my visits at all, anymore, ever. fantastic.

the thought of not seeing my therapist creates a lot of anxiety for me. she's one constant in the last year and a half of my life, and unlike every other person who knows me, an objective voice. even though i've unloaded a lot of emotional baggage, i'm still trying to solidify some of the skills i've been working on.

boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.

anyway, i'm doing a lot of introspection about the choices i make and my seemingly lackadaisical ability to refrain from acting on emotions that are unhealthy...which then lead to bad decisions. i've always been one to lead with my heart, not my head. but that stupid organ has failed me too many times to be trusted, by seeking instant gratification, or not considering consequences and after effects.

i don't know, how *do* you turn off your feelings? i don't think it's possible. in the past, i would just avoid acting on them, find distractions, let them die out on their own, write a list of reasons to rationalize an emotional situation. it works pretty well...for a while.

logic and reason only go so far when applied to affection.

it's always (and i don't use that word lightly) been hard for me to let go. i thought i had it *somewhat* mastered.

so, what to do? i'm still trying to figure that out.

monkeywrench

wow, so i haven't written in about three and a half months. i can't believe it's been that long, especially since i was writing almost every day. things got busy, i was doing a lot to relieve my back/chronic pain, but things were mostly smoothed out, sailing along, and i didn't make writing a priority. i was too busy living my life, content and satisfied.

i felt so much better physically, mentally, emotionally. i've come to terms with a lot of things and made progress by leaps and bounds this year, as far as personal goals i set for myself.

now, i'm really regretting not keeping us with this blog, because if anything, looking back on things is a way to avoid making the same mistakes again, and a way to refresh your memory about all those things that were good, that make you happy and proud.

i realize that for every accomplishment or step forward, regression and a few steps backward are par for the course. in my experience, things will progress fantastically for a while, and then there will be a bump (or a fucking landmine) in the road, and it feels like everything has gone to shit. i get thrown off course.

one big improvement is that my recovery time has shortened drastically. i get upset, i give myself a certain amount of time to grieve and wallow, then i do what i know will bring me back to life and i'm back on track.

and that's basically what has happened the past few weeks, except things keep happening that prevent me from fully recovering or doing what i need to do. i have fallen off the wagon of self care and goal achievement. i'd gotten into the zone of being focused on taking care of myself, doing what i need to do, studying, exercising, socializing, eating well, *sleeping*, all the things that i know i need to do to stay sane and stable.

and then one distraction, at first glance a positive one, managed to send all of that into a tailspin of amazingly careless and self-destructive habits in a matter of weeks. i haven't been sleeping or eating. i've lost about 6 lbs. in a month, i have lacked the ability to set healthy boundaries, i've been exceedingly reckless, and i put the needs of someone else above my own (never a good thing), especially when the other party doesn't do the same.

bottom line: i feel like a fucking idiot. it's so rare to find a connection with someone, especially an instant, intense, easy connection. i found one, and i let it overtake me. i let my emotions dictate my choices and didn't stop to think about what i was doing. i didn't stop to think if what i was doing was a good choice for me. i lost sight of what i needed to do, and i lost sight of myself.

i let someone in for the first time in a long time, and now i'm wondering if it's something i'll be able to do again. i've never been one to just shut down my feelings or who i am. i want to experience all that i can and not hide. fear isn't something i experience very often.

i have so many other positive, healthy, happy things in my life that i've let fall by the wayside in such a short amount of time. i'm ashamed...

i wanted to incorporate this new part into my world, have someone to share my happiness with, have someone who *gets* what matters to me without question or judgment. this other person seemed to want that, too - making friends with mine, building a foundation for something between us, talking about the future.

i never saw it coming, but how can you ever expect betrayal when it rears its stealthy head? even if you feel a slight blip of doubt, you don't want to believe it, at least i don't. despite my cynicism, i give the people in my life countless chances for redemption, and i trusted this person. i couldn't find a reason not to; an amazing feat for me. i gave everything that i could to be a caring, loving, supportive person, and it was all for nothing.

what do i learn from this: that everyone has the potential to be a wolf in sheep's clothing? that my judgment about others hasn't improved despite my best efforts and beliefs to the contrary? that i deserve to be treated badly? that the only way to be treated well or not walked on is to walk on others?

i can't do that. i don't want to believe any of those things, and i'm not the person i used to be. i'm doing my best to be a kinder, gentler me every day, but for what? few seem to appreciate or value that version of me. kindness and understanding seems to equal gullible, deserving disrespect, a doormat.

i'm not angry, i'm numb, confused, hurt. i feel like a fool.

what's the point in trying to give someone your all when pain is the end result?

"This pair of wing's worn and rusted
From too many years by my side
They can carry me, swear to be sturdy and strong
But see, turning them on still means goodbye"

hand to (your loud) mouth

yes, i realize that this blog is public, but i don't understand people's inclinations to post negative, hateful comments on it. do you get pleasure in insulting people you don't even know (me), who obviously have their own issues going on (me) because they're posted for the world to see? just because i put myself out there doesn't mean that i want to be bitch slapped.

OR are these individuals clueless in the fact that they're acting like mean, spoiled brats? i don't know why i have to address this again; i already wrote a blog about a jackass who read my posts and then gave me grammar and capitalization critiques. don't understand what i'm saying, don't read it!!

i don't want to think that people are naturally cruel to others, but i do sometimes wonder. anyone who reads what i post is completely entitled to think whatever they want (that goes without saying). however, if you *don't* like what i post, especially if you don't even know me, and there are random people who follow this that i have no clue who they are, DON'T FUCKING READ MY BLOG!! i don't need people who are intentionally inflicting pain on me.

i have enough shit going on in my life that i'm trying to improve, work through, and fix that i don't need your judgmental negativity. just leave me the hell alone; it's not like you're saying anything that's helpful or thoughtful. if anything, remember what you were taught in the 1st grade: if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.

you go your way, i'll go mine.

masochist

so, it seems that i've managed to get rid of the one behavior that i realized was self destructive. it's stupid and guaranteed to make me feel like shit about myself, regret my past decisions, and effectively bleed my heart dry.

said activity was my contacting, usually via text, this guy that i had a relationship with, off and on, for about two years (see prior blog entry entitled "oh well, whatever, never mind). i'm referring to the third guy: an alcoholic, emotionally shut off individual.

i had an epiphany one night when i was sitting outside texting him, and realized the utter futility in doing something that will never give me what i want or need. i realized that this was one of the stupidest fucking things i could do, and that it was accomplishing nothing, other than reinforcing my distrust, contempt, and lack of faith in humanity, men, and particularly myself.

texting/calling/emailing him was something i did when i felt bad about myself and just needed that extra push to spiral into self pity and continue the cycle of self-loathing i tend to indulge in, but have gotten much better about ignoring.

being treated like shit by this guy or being flat out ignored also fortified my belief that i don't deserve to have any men in my life treat me well, or to *ever* have a healthy romantic relationship...whatever the hell *that* is.

i talked to my therapist about the texting issue approximately two months ago, and since i mentioned it roughly five minutes before the end of the session, we didn't really have a chance to discuss "healthier" options, but after talking to her, i realized that i had reached my saturation point of this jackass's behavior and cut him out cleanly and quickly. no more reckless texting. i virtually forgot him.

yay, me.

anyway, due to some really substantial progress, and the recent onslaught of debilitating pain that has rendered my body a virtual train wreck, i've scaled back my visits with my therapist, or had to cancel/reschedule them, so i have yet to discuss healthier alternatives with her as far as what i can do on the rare ocassions when i'm feeling particularly masochistic or in a self-punishing mood. in fact, i haven't even felt that way until the last week, when things started wandering into the realm of complete hopelessness and futility.

sooooo, being the determined, over-achieving person i am, i found another unhealthy solution: digging through online avenues to find out about my ex's and what's going on in their world/lives, much to my detriment because, honestly, who gives a shit? let the past lay dead and silent.

these are people that i haven't thought of in months and months, and i have been going out of my way to see how they've moved on, if they're happy, healthy, and satisfied. i don't know if they are, because lots of people put on a good public front to disguise their true lives.

these guys are not ones i want in my life, except for one, who seems to have been given a gag order by his wife to not talk to me. it wouldn't be the first time an ex was forbidden from talking to me, and i can't blame the wife in that situation, because after not talking to said ex for four years, i saw him and we managed to get naked in about 6 hours, effectively ending their fragile, fragmented marriage. of course, if you make something/someone forbidden, the level of interest multiplies exponentially.

however, no such issue exists with the other (my oldest/first) ex, who also lives in another state. we're technically still friends, and communicate off and on, but i haven't seen him in almost 9 years, and he has morals that the other idiot doesn't...i think.

anyway, i don't think this is a healthy thing. it brings up ghosts of the past, romanticizing bad memories because sometimes it's easier to remember the good things. if you can only remember all the horrible instances of past relationships, you start kicking yourself for wasting time with that person in the first place.

however, these guys are no longer in my life for a reason; i don't even want to be friends with them. i definitely need to find another way to deal with these negative feelings about myself...start doing affirmations or something. i think part of the reason that i have resorted to checking up on them is that when i was in these relationships, i had a network of people that i hung out with all the time; a big group of friends in which i felt supported, had fun, had social interaction. i really feel that void right now, but looking at the FB profiles of guys i used to date isn't going to fix anything.

it took me a long time to let go of the past, and there's no reason for me to go back to what i left behind years ago.

alone

deleted due to judgment (that i don't need) from people i don't know.

oh well, whatever, never mind

nirvana.

rooting through the lives of people who used to be in your own life, and digging up your emotional discarded baggage in large doses is never a good idea. you end up finding things that piss you off, annoy you, or make you want to send bitter, bitchy emails.

well, *i* do anyway. in order to avoid doing the latter (because i haven't done it in a long time, and i'm working on creating better habits when i'm feeling self destructive), i'm going to f-ing blog my annoyance away.

hopefully.

i don't understand how people who are heartless, psychopathic, co-dependent, and manipulative have the privilege of moving on with their lives, finding happiness, and having someone who can deal with them on a daily basis. i've finally gotten past most of the damage that i allowed my ex-boyfriends to inflict upon me, and the three last culprits seem to be perky, fulfilled, and expecting a kid, apparently.

i don't talk to any of these jackasses anymore because, after all, they are jackasses. one is a habitual cheater and only breaks up with someone when he's found a replacement. he's been single a total of nine months in 18 years. no exaggeration.

this is the charmer who cheated on his wife with me, and actually referred to me as his "crowbar", allowing him "out" when he no longer to be in a relationship.

awesome. that term is from a fiona apple song, from an album that we used to listen to incessantly, and looking back, i can't believe that i wasn't completely offended and disgusted that that was how, and what, he thought of me. pathetic.

so, the second winner is the psycho ex who did everything possible to tear me down, cheat on me with anything with a pulse and a vagina (a pulse may not have been necessary, come to think of it), mock every relationship i had with my family and friends, and destroy whatever self worth and dignity i had.

i was STUPID enough to move to california with him, but it was actually an escape from the cheater because he broke my heart somewhere in there, and i just needed to run away. i knew in my gut that leaving the state with a psycho because of a cheater wasn't the best idea i ever had, but it was a quick solution and i figured i could deal with the fallout later.

that gem is now with some girl who is exactly his type: brunette, sporty, bordering on butch, from the east coast, loves volleyball...because i was so often reminded that i was exactly *not* his type...for six and a half years. um, remind me again *why* you wanted to be with me...

my one consolation on the psycho's new girlfriend is that she is fuuuuug-ly. to be fair, i'd own up if she were cute, but seriously, she's not. in his FB profile pic he's hugging her, and at first i thought she was a man, or a transvestite at the very least. i looked at her pic on her page, and it's not much better: a chubby transvestite with a double chin.

the last in the triumvirate is someone that i only really "dated" for a month. after breaking up, we didn't talk for about nine months until i accidentally (really, i wasn't looking for him at all. gotta love gmail's address book) found him on FB.

gotta love FB.

being the bored stalker that i can be at times, i saw on his sister's page (because he's too closed off and secretive to have a page any longer) that not only was he in town overnight on my birthday, he visited his sister, TEXTED me to say happy birthday, and then wrote me this long, elaborate email saying that i'm a "phenomenal person and deserve to be happy" and that he'll "always care for me on a different level than anyone else."

is that a good thing?

being the masochistic dumb ass that i was at the time (a whopping four months and fourteen days ago, but who's counting?), and *trusting* that i could take him at his word (maybe just really wanting to take him at his word) despite the fact that he's the biggest flake i think i've ever met, i replied and we talked about fixing things between us, having a future, blah blah blah.

in the span of two days, he pulled his old disappearing act. i can attribute this to the fact that i'm pretty sure he's an alcoholic, he was raised a jehovah's witness, and he's under 30 years old.
everything out of his mouth from that point on became blah blah blah.

then i saw today that he was in town on valentine's day for a two hour layover between flights, and he went to his sister's work, spent two hours with her, and then drove back to the airport.

(insert ditzy, valley girl voice here) "wow, like he's the best!"

i'm over all these retards. i'm not trying to offend anyone, but i can't think of them as being anything other a derogatory, insulting name. plus, my dad reads this, so i try to keep it clean. what i'd really like to call them is a four-syllable word, rhymes with brothersucker. i don't even want to be friends with these dudes. i'm just frustrated that i put up with so much shit for so many years, and yet i can't find a decent, sane, cute man with some semblance of hair, in dallas.

i started dating the co-dependent cheater in 1997!!! and didn't end things with him until 2007. the psycho lasted from 1999 until 2006. yes, i've done the math. there's an overlap with the two, but the nine months that i wasn't with the psycho, i was busy with the cheater, helping him end his marriage. and no, i didn't cheat on either of them...ever.

yay, me.

the alcoholic has been messing with my mind since july 2008, and i haven't talked to him since october. still, a month-long relationship that dragged on for over two years, and something tells me he'll pop up at some point in the next year.

i ask you WTF is wrong with me? on second thought, don't answer.

i feel like i'm in a much better place emotionally and mentally, after *lots* of work...now, if i could just get my body to stop falling the hell apart. however, according to the therapist i talked to today, it's not uncommon for someone to get their mental health in order and then have their body go to hell in a hand basket. that's a good thing for me because if i was having "chronic pain" the way i am now when i was dredging through my last horrific, suicidal bout of depression, this kitty cat wouldn't have made it through the fire.

basically, the body exists in a survival mode while you're losing your mind so that you don't go completely off the hook, and throw yourself off a bridge. then, when you think everything is aces, your body says, "hey, the mind's good! commence self-destruction of anatomy in 5...4...3...2...1...POW!"

i guess i'm in a state of repair (does it *ever* end?), working really hard to get everything in order, discard all the baggage, and get my body to a fully functioning state again. the above mentioned dudes don't have much of an interest in emotional reflection or growth, and i've known them long enough, and well enough, to know that they don't really want to change. why would they? what they do has been working for them for years (thank you, current therapist who shall remain nameless).

obviously, the choices i've made have *not* worked for me in the least, and i'm determined to get out of this never-ending recycling of boyfriends and bad relationships. the alcoholic was the last fragment hanging on. it's ironic because the proverbial "they" say that a girl models her romantic relationships on her father, but that's not at all the case with me.

i grew up with an unpredictable, unstable, emotionally toxic mother whose love i wanted so desperately, i'd do anything to please her. she built up a world in which it was the two of us against the world, and no one else could be relied upon or trusted. when i decided that i had my own opinions, interests, and personality, things fell apart, and she decided that i no longer served her purposes and actively sought a replacement...many replacements, actually.

i think my relationships with guys, these three in particular, are similar to the one with my mom. once i figured out that i deserved more, and better, because i'm willing and capable to give it, i had to walk away...slowly, reluctantly, and with many backward glances.

it may have taken having that lesson slammed in my face repeatedly, and i really didn't even make the connection until a few months ago (thank you, current therapist who shall remain nameless). i think i've subjected myself to more self-inflicted pain, misery, and reflection than the average bear, but it took over 22 years to really break away from my relationship with my mom and decide that it wasn't healthy for me at this point in my life.

despite being smart, there are some things that i seem to refuse to give up on. i have given people chance upon chance to redeem themselves because i want them in my life, and want so badly to prove that i'm worthwhile.

just another lesson learned from mom...

release

i haven't really posted about pearl jam lately, so that's their song in the title, mostly because the lyrics contain the word 'pain', and release from pain would be a really good thing right about now. i'm so frustrated because i'm trying to stay positive and on an even keel. i've got a good little medication cocktail for the depression worked out; i even had my diagnosis downgraded from severe to moderate. but with the pain i've been dealing with, it's really difficult. i do *not* want to bitch and moan all the time, but chronic pain is just that: with you all the time.

it's gotten to the point where it consumes almost every minute of my day. i can't concentrate, focus, or think about anything else without factoring in how much i have to move, how much it's going to hurt, and how much i'll regret it later.

along with all those calculations, i also have to try to figure out how i can do all the things that i need to in any given day, and how many i can neglect. last night was particularly bad, and phoenix was completely freaked out because i was crying, screaming into my pillow, and pulling my hair. i have traumatized my child.

i've been getting spinal injections to control the pain. it's basically a cortisone epidural, and while the procedure isn't bad, i feel horrible afterward. the first one helped alleviate the pain for almost two weeks, but the second one made it worse. my left arm ached, the knife was lodged in my back again, and it felt like a poker was embedded in my neck and head.

after much crying, frustration, and phone calls, i saw my doctor today, who wanted to talk to me about surgery. um, i believe my sentiment to her nurse was along the lines of "HELL NO!" but i still wanted to talk to the doctor about my concerns, results, etc., so i went.

she told me that my reaction to the second injection was atypical; not surprising, as my body tends to do the opposite of what it's supposed to do most of the time. the first injection (they do a series of three) is supposed to reduce the pain by 30%, then another 30% with the second, and then another 30% with the third one.

this, obviously, didn't happen, but since the first one worked she wants to do the third. after that, if i'm still having problems i'm going to have to see a surgeon. i've talked to a few medical professionals about back surgery, and everyone has strongly "urged" me to refrain. usually, they fuse your vertebrae together, then the surrounding vertebrae take up the slack, then *they* need surgery, and so on. no thank you, to the snowballing back surgeries.

however, what my doctor said was that i wouldn't have anything fused. a surgeon would do a minimally invasive procedure to "clean out" all the goop (i have no idea what the medical term is) that's poking around, sticking out, whatever and messing with my pinched nerves. apparently the bulging is incredibly bad (that's what she said), and the severity of the pinching may be what caused the bad reaction to the second injection.

in addition to this, i'll be starting an interdisciplinary pain management out patient program next week, three days a week from 8am to 3pm. needless to say, i'm pushing back my qualifying exams, which i really don't want to do but i'm completely useless at this point, and can't be in constant pain and taking pain killers daily (i'm up to percoset at this point).

the program will consist of physical therapy, occupational therapy, swimming, education about chronic pain, biofeedback, and relaxation techniques. and if the pain isn't reduced by this program, at least i'll be better equipped to deal with it on a daily basis.

fantastic.

i'm not as freaked out about surgery now, knowing that nothing will be soldered together with metal, and if they need to go in and vacuum all that crap out for me to feel better, i'm all for it. it'll take a few weeks to recuperate (i don't know the exact amount of time), but i'll worry about that later.

for now, i'm going to focus on what will essentially be my job for the next five weeks: reducing my pain so that i can feel like human again.

the boxer

an old song by simon and garfunkel.

sitting in the house for almost an entire week made me start feeling like a veal waiting in a pen, fattening up for the slaughter. not that i sat in a cage, eating non-stop, but i definitely started feeling lethargic and sentient.

between that, not exercising for several months because of my back, and seeing 'the fighter' yesterday (btw, go see it), i am ready to get moving! i've been really afraid to do anything requiring physical exertion because i'm in enough pain just living and breathing.

i'm feeling really motivated to be more active than i have been able to be...we'll see how long this lasts...but at least for now i'm going to take advantage of this energy and do what i can, all the while being mindful of my back. i'm gonna start with the eliptical, yoga, and water aerobics.

i have my second spinal injection tomorrow. i was petrified last time, and having the sadistic b*tch who repeatedly tried to shove an IV in my hand *didn't* help. but now i'm like, "let's go!! how many can we do at once? can you just shoot something in my spine to fill up ALL the holes at once?!?" my chiropractor had a good laugh at that today.

i actually miss running, i'm not sure if i'll ever be able to do it again, but i'll do what i can for now. i'm starting to panic about my exams, and i definitely need a stress outlet. boxing would be the perfect outlet.

mental note, ask doctor about likelihood of me boxing...

not all me

and alanis again...

despite being cooped up in the house last week, i still felt pretty good emotionally. i was okay physically, too, until about wednesday or thursday. the past few days have been up and down because i heard that someone (in the last year or so) has been saying a lot of crap about me that isn't true.


this would be hurtful enough of its own accord, but i went out of my way to keep "our" personal business to myself, for the most part. plus, this was someone who knew (knows) a lot of personal information about me, and not only threw it in my face, but made not-so-subtle references to it in FB statuses. awesome.

i'm now beginning to understand why some people that i met last summer looked at me like i'd crawled out from under a rock. i wasn't just being paranoid!

i've also been thinking that maybe when i am happy, i shouldn't shout it from the rooftops, because within a matter of a few days, i seesaw back the other way.

maybe that's just the way of the world; things are constantly in flux and go up and down, but it'd be nice to have a really long set of good days to string together. i know that i shouldn't let things like this get to me. i can't control anyone else, and i can rest assured that i *tried* to do right by the other person in the above mentioned situation.

for the most part, i've learned to let go of this kind of thing, but when it's someone close to me, and my "friends" don't find out the real deal, but instead treat me like a leper, it's a little more difficult to shake off.

i'm also feeling lonely; i sometimes don't think that there are a lot of people i can count on consistently. things seem to be sporadic, and i've found myself wanting to run away somewhere, a lot, the past few days. it's not an answer, the problems would go with me and manifest in a different form. if i can't count on a lot of people in a city in which i've lived almost 30 years, running to some beach somewhere probably isn't going to be stocked with long lost friends.

i've been taking things personally lately that i don't know if i should be. i guess my thought is that the only common denominator between all these different situations/feelings is me.

i don't know, maybe i should focus on what i need to, and not worry so much about what other people do.

21 things

since one of my reasons for writing this blog is to let people who are in my life know me a little better, here are 21 (somewhat interesting) facts about me. i also used another alanis song title for this entry because it was the first one i thought of that fit.

1. i still miss my grandfather, over 21 years after he passed away. i think of him everyday.
2. i'm so left handed that i have to start any activity with my left side. i put my pants on left foot first; same with shoes, jacket, shaving my legs, climbing stairs, tying my shoes, and doing my makeup.
3. i tweeze my eyebrows at stop lights to kill time. i think it makes the lights turn green faster, too.
4. i try not to use the words "always" and "never".
5. when i was born, i had blue eyes and black hair. when i was a baby, my eyes turned hazel, and my hair fell out and grew in blond.
6. i love to cook and bake.
7. my favorite number is 6, and my favorite color is pink.
8. i *hate* green bananas. they need to be bordering on rotten before i can eat them...and then i love them.
9. if i was forced lose any one of my senses, it would be taste.
10. i would never get a boy's name that i'm dating/involved with/married to tattooed on me, but i have five tattoos for a certain band.
11. to date, i haven't been married, engaged, or pregnant. i didn't even live with a boyfriend till i was almost 32.
12. i've had migraines since i was 19. the pain was so bad, i thought i was having an aneurysm.
13. i would love to learn how to play the cello.
14. i'm a terrible liar.
15. if i'm not laying down when i have blood drawn, i faint. i also have to be tattooed laying down or else i'll want to faint...or throw up.
16. i'm pretty sure there's a ghost in my apartment.
17. i had my appendix out when i was 29.
18. i love books. i didn't give any away until i was 27 and moving out of state, and realized that 50% of the boxes were books.
19. i lived in a lot of cities with the word "san" in the name: san antonio, san marcos, san jose, and i almost 30 residences.
20. my earliest memory is falling face first into a pond when i was about 2.
21. i have a rainman-like memory for dates, anniversaries, and birthdays.

low light

so, blog title is a pearl jam song. i could link the lyrics, but i'm really just writing to do it and i'm too tired to make the effort. *sorry* just to sum up this week:

trapped in the house since last friday night due to stomach virus, then apocalyptic ice conditions.

due to said ice, i have needed (and can't do) the following:

- RETURN MY OVERDUE F-ING LIBRARY BOOKS
- bathe my disgustingly filthy child (poor thing)
- wear anything other than flannel or sweat/yoga pants. i feel like i should be at an indigo girls concert or a bikram)
- move out of a 100 feet radius
- buy supplies for my valentine's card
- buy stamps
- go to the doctor at the pain management clinic who is supposed to verify that pain isn't making me suicidal
- get my super cheap laser hair removal done (groupon deal)
- go to guitar class
- go to the chiropractor's
- get my dissertation proposal done
- get grayson's vaccine
- take out the trash (yeah, it's on the patio; classy)
- not risk my life everytime i take phoenix outside due to a potential slip and fall
- have a 5 minute break from my children

i need a vacation, a dose of eddie, something!!
i have been able to listen to a lot of music, though; very nice.

and my second injection is tomorrow; wish me luck and a pain-free IV.

that's all i can think of for now, but viva la YIELD!! happy 13th birthday to one of my favorite albums (i'm old, they're albums, not CDs).

2/3/98

"don't you think you ought to rest?
don't you think you ought to lay your head down?
don't you think you wanna sleep?
don't you think you ought to lay your head down tonight?
don't you think you've got enough?
don't you think you've got enough, well maybe?
don't you think it's time to stop?
there's time enough for you to lay your head down tonight."

you learn

let's hear it for alanis.

this is a post that's mostly for me, so doubtful that anyone else will really care.

i've been reading for exams (shocker) and i just read a chapter on postmodernism. if you haven't studied the humanities in depth, this term probably means absolutely nothing to you. and you probably don't care.

simply, shortly, and semi-accurately: postmodernism is an ideology that attempts to dissolve the lines between high and low culture and throw out the metanarrative, in order to reject cultural elitism. basically, forget the cannon and the "classics" because they were chosen by men, yes men, in power, a long, long time ago. and arbitrarily at that.

essentially, what i've learned and can apply to my dissertation/exams: everything is based on power and capitalism; there is *nothing* that is new; a class system will always be in place, regardless of the group; the world is based on a binary, and there must always be an "Other"; lots of things that we are supposed to hold sacred were chosen because some rich white dude liked them.

oh, and authenticity is really important, but subjective.

see, told you you wouldn't care. can i have my phd now?

growin' up

i haven't posted in a few days because i had some kind of stomach bug/virus. sucked. so, i i'll use a bruce/eddie cover song as my title.

i feel like i bitch a lot in this blog, but at least i'm getting rid of what's bothering me and not carrying it around, and no one is forced to read it, so...

when the hell are girls going to grow up? once i was out of my 20s and could look back with a somewhat objective eye, i decided that most girls in their 20s are straight up crazy. for the most part, they are. i was one of those girls, i know. guys in their 20s have their own slew of issues, but girls have the crazy market cornered.

okay then, i'm closer to 40 than 30 now (ouch), and i still have these stoopid girls in my life who act like they're 14. granted, these girls are mostly younger than me (they may all be younger than me), but i'm still dealing with maturation retardation. yeah, i just made that up.

younger, but they're *not* 14.

at some point in my adult life, i figured out that not everyone you know is going to be your friend for the rest of your life. well, i actually knew that i when i was about 15, but after that...a few years later...i came to the realization that just because you've known someone for a long time, it doesn't necessarily mean you're going to be friends forever.

in fact, it's sometimes to your detriment to do so, so just throw that BFF collage away right now.

people change, grow up, grow apart, and a long relationship isn't indicative of a healthy one that you should maintain. hell, you don't keep a boyfriend forever, and most girls tend to give *lots* more time, attention, and importance to boyfriends than to friends, so why keep some dumb girl (who won't carry heavy stuff and beat up dudes to protect your honor) in your life?

obviously not necessarily the way i live my life, or i wouldn't have such a bad back.

when you decide to end a friendship, for me, at least i just let it die out and end naturally. i don't pitch a fit, or scream "i'm leaving!" because at that point, all you're trying to do is get attention. i'd rather just slip out the side door, quietly. i used to do that with boyfriends, and yes, you get attention, but testing people is never the way to go.

so these aforementioned chicks and their childish, vindictive, mean girl attitudes needs to go. if you stop being friends with someone, that doesn't mean it's okay to talk shit about them to other people or to make their lives difficult. actually, i *do* know a guy that does this, and he is *entirely* too old to act like this.

and yes, i'm guilty of doing dumb things and hurting people's feelings, but i've learned to really *try* not to intentionally hurt people that i care about. if i stop being friends with someone, but we have mutual friends, i don't talk about the former friend, and then when pushed, i'm as diplomatic as possible.

just let it go. move on, have some self-respect. most times, less is more. that goes for emotions, too.

easier to lie

probably not as well-known as some of the other titles i've used, but a great song by aqualung.

okay, i know that celebrities can't be honest about alllll the things they do to make themselves beautiful, but i'm not sure why they so blatantly lie when the changes are clearly obvious. is it because we're supposed to believe that they were all born that gorgeous, put together, and perfect, and that we, as mere mortals, can't even compete because we'll never be of that stature?

is it because they're mostly actors and paid to 'lie' in a sense; or are they delusional and think no one will notice that they have a new face? whatever the case may be, all you have to do is look at the pictures magazines find of these people in high school, or star magazine, where they're sans make up, to know that no one looks that fantastic naturally, or when they roll out of bed.

well, very few people. also, if i had hair and make up people, a stylist, a trainer, a chef, and spent three hours getting ready, i'd look pretty freaking good, too.

the last few weeks, my wrath has been directed at kim kardashian. yes, i watch all her stupid shows. why? no idea. but she keeps claiming that she's "super honest" about whether she's had plastic surgery, and that she hasn't had any work done. her proof is that she had botox injections on the show, so she's willing to admit what she's changed about her appearance.

OMG, don't get me started. first of all, all you have to do is look at pictures of her over the years to know that she's had at least two nose jobs.

this person
<---- does not look like this person ---->















granted, she's wearing make up in the picture on the right, but still, come *on*! and i'm not the only one who posits this theory. i found this online:



gotta love the internet.

















and as far as the boobs are concerned, which she claimed on CNN the other night are "100% real."

whatever...













the latest adjustment is her lips, which were already significantly full are now even bigger. her excuse? she had the flu. um, what? yes, that is her excuse: she had the flu and it made her lips puffier. first of all, this doesn't even make any sense.

last i checked, your lips don't swell up when you're throwing up for days, have a fever, and don't eat. second, that was like a month ago, and they're still ginormous!! that must be some killer flu that's hanging on for years. despite the fact that she has been trooping all over the country, promoting her new show, in full make up and trampily dressed (as usual), she hasn't so much as sneezed.

one last point. as any woman can tell you, when you lose weight, the first place it goes is usually in your boobs and your butt; most often the places you don't really want to lose it. now kim has lost like 15 lbs. in the last year or so, and her boobs and ass are still *huge*.

she gets thinner and her boobs and butt are the same size? not possible. i'm not even going to address the rumors that she had butt implants because if she did, she's even dumber than i already think.

claiming that big asses are an "armenian thing" doesn't work, either. she's only half armenian, as are her two sisters, and neither one of them is built like her. yes, genes are strange and selective, but both her sisters had small breasts, and the one who doesn't any more admits she had implants. the other one, who is somewhat heavy, doesn't have that shelf ass that kim does. and how anyone finds that attractive, i have no idea.

really, i could set my drink on that.


and don't even get me started on the hair extensions. grow your own damn hair!!!

changes

yes, a song title once again...

this may sound stupid, but i think i'm addicted to tv. i looooooove watching tv. it's in my genes. my parents watch a *lot* of tv; my dad not so much as when i was a kid, but still, i've had a set in my room since i was nine years old. i can't even fall asleep without it on because it drowns out all the shit in my head.

i watch entirely too much tv, it's too quiet when it's off, my apartment lacks animation and life that phoenix and grayson can't replace, and i absolutely can't miss an episode of any show that i watch, so i DVR everything.

i don't understand why i get so attached to fictional characters. granted, i realize that i'm not the only one who does this, but i was thinking about it last night. there are several tv shows that were i used to watch and were canceled or ended, and i was really disappointed every time.

maybe it's the consistency and schedule of knowing that i have something that i'm guaranteed to like, and will never let me down...unless there's a state of the union speech, or it's gonna snow, or some moron sent a bomb to a building downtown...*then* it gets interrupted, but the networks have finally realized that they need to plan for things like presidential events in advance. and they *do* show severe weather updates during commercials now, not during the show...

in the grand scheme of things, who cares about fictitious people and plots? they're not real, i'm not losing a friend, it's just a story made up by someone who's being paid to make up stories. although, every time i watch 'titanic', i'm like, "why does he have to DIE?!?" sad. just sad.

anyway, i've been trying to maintain some semblance of a schedule since the fall. because i'm done with coursework, and only have independent study classes, i was afraid that i wouldn't do anything; that my depression would suck me back in, and i'd spend six months on the couch, watching (what else?) the freaking tv.

actually, i've had a lot of things going on, and i feel very fulfilled and busy in my life. and my life is getting in the way of school. i went to a seminar/class on productive writing today, in preparation for starting my dissertation in a few months.

that is probably the most daunting thing i've written today. holy hell.

*deep breaths*

although i'm only reading and taking notes, collecting research here and there, i'm not writing yet, but the class was really helpful. i also found out that all the techniques i use to procrastinate (doing dishes, laundry, organizing, multitasking) are very common, so i don't feel like a complete slacker. and hey, my apartment is always clean. not that it was ever dirty before, but moving on...

i'm going to set up some new guidelines and structures around watching tv, reading, taking notes, and running errands. school is my primary job, and i need to treat it as such. if i don't feel good, and need to take the day off, then i better make up for it on the weekend or in the evening.

when i had classes with real life professors, i studied ALL the time. i busted my ass for school, and i need to get back to that. well, not completely, because i did nothing but study and work, but i need a focused mindset.

so bye bye shows that i really don't care about. bye bye to finding new shows just so i never run out of things to watch. bye bye stupid gossip "news" and repetitive celebrity crap. bye bye to washing clothes, cleaning cabinets, touching up the paint on my walls, and sweeping all at the same time.

qualifying exam preparation, i surrender to you. i am now at your mercy for the next ten weeks. omg, that is not *nearly* enough time...