(i can't) enjoy the silence...

normally, i'm okay by myself.  i've lived alone for the majority of my adult life, but oddly enough, i've lived with at least one other person (other than phoenix and grayson) for the last year and a half.  now i don't.



well, phoenix and grayson are here...until grayson's attempt to assassinate phoenix edges closer to success, then it's buh-bye kitty.  not really, but if i don't threaten him, he doesn't have an excuse to try and shred the carpet, and then he loses his sense of purpose and life goals.

it's really quiet in here. i used to have to have music or the tv on all the time, but i got into the habit of having them off and not being uncomfortable because i didn't need the noise.  i felt good in my skin, doing my thing, without having a distraction that was clouding my thoughts. i could focus without *trying* not to hear what was in my head.

then, i got into the habit of being alone with someone else, in the quiet. i had never really done that before; there was always some form of distraction most times that we interacted.  i'm just now realizing that. however, in this new world, i could at least *feel* the presence of another person, and didn't crave the sound of a laugh track in the background that would force conversation.

now that person is gone...by my choice...and i know with every ounce of my being (what a cliche) that it's the right, and best, thing to do.  being with someone who's not only incredibly emotionally unhealthy, but also tears me down and resents my very existence because i've managed to do something with my life, and NOT exist solely as a drug addict, is NOT someone i want to be with.

imagine how that person would behave when i do something noteworthy, like work on my education, pay off my car, or love something someone else, like a dog, for instance.  how can anyone be jealous of phoenix? have you seen him? if he were any sweeter, he'd be lollipop, and i'm sorry, but someone who's been with me *every* minute of *every* day for almost nine years deserves not only an incredible amount of loyalty, belly rubs, and cookies, but a prize for "the longest-extended-stay-with-an-insane-person-without-succumbing-to-such-insanity" award.

nor do i deserve to be treated so badly by anyone, and why the hell would i want to be with someone like that in the first place?  anyway, that's an entire blog by itself.

"sometimes i guess there just aren't enough rocks..."

i can't stand the quiet right now.  it sounds strange, but it reinforces the fact that i'm alone...not alone, lonely.  there were a lot of times when i was with him and even lonelier than i am now, but i guess i could somehow, in my warped mind, figure out a way to spin it into something else, or have hope that it was just a moment, a phase, that there was *something* i could do that would make him realize that he has potential and goals, and that even if no one else in the entire world thinks he's worthwhile, i'm willing to love him as much as i can, if he'd just do three things: be nice, tell me the truth, and respect me.

i think those are pretty basic, required elements in any relationship.  was i asking for too much?

when i'm out, sometimes i just *want* to be home because it's comfortable, and i can eat cookie dough without people staring, and wear sweatpants 24/7, if i want to...but after awhile being home alone is starting to feel like solitary confinement to me. i'm trapped in a box with limited options, and because i am the way i am, i don't reach out, i don't speak, i withdraw, and i wither.

what's even worse is that i can't really listen to music right now, either. so much has been going on emotionally that the songs i like make me cry, and i mostly listen to songs with sad lyrics anyway, so i'm pretty much screwed.  i also associate songs with time periods, and i don't *want* to remember most of the right now. i don't want to ruin my music...so i have the tv on pretty much allll the time, even when i'm sleeping.   i've re-watched almost all five seasons of 'mad men' in less than a week.

it's netflix all night long...even if i wake up, and the tv show/movie i was watching is over, i pick another one.  i can't tell you how many charles manson documentaries i've watched...someone with some sense of sanity and desire to sleep would just close her eyes and drift off, or watch something that *isn't* about mass murderers.  not me.  i can't fall back asleep in the quiet...that's when the wheels start to spin.

in the last six or eight months, i started taking showers after always taking baths...my entire life...and now i'm back to baths because i have to be able to hear the tv.  i can't even handle twenty minutes of relaxing under a steaming stream of water without getting anxious.

hell, i drag my laptop into the bathroom and hook it up to the stereo so it's loud enough.  i don't think i want to hear what's going on in my head because i don't want to deal with it, most of which i already have, but somehow, i seem to need to masochistically process it yet again.

having someone who's intermittently in your life, in an unhealthy way almost always, who's on the brink of self-destruction and buried in self-hatred is horrible.  i've mourned this person's life, and anticipated his death, countless times.  it's exhausting, but i feel responsible in some way for keeping him from completely disintegrating.

i've felt like his lifeline too many times and for too long to just shut it off, especially when i know that that's the worst thing i could do...because he won't learn. there will never be a cliff too high to fall from.  there will never be a depth too low to sink to.  every one of his painful, humiliating, self-defeating behaviors will be blamed on my absence.

to him, i'm a traitor.
to me, i'm trying to thrive, instead of just surviving.

i know it's not my job, but i also know that there's no one left to care for him...not really.  too many bridges have been burned, and it's too late to salvage much of anything.  letting go of hope is one of the most difficult things to do, but i think that's what i'm trying to ignore...because i know it must be done, and i don't want to.  i don't know how let someone just suffocate under the weight of his own existence.

as cold as some people may think that i am, it couldn't be further from the truth.  it never seems to occur to people, even those who know me, that there are reasons i put up walls...there are reasons i don't let you in...there are reasons i run away...and it's not because i'm heartless or cruel.  it's self protection, plain and simple.  i'm more sensitive than almost anyone could realize, and letting down someone i love, being crushed, not doing my absolute best, sends my self-worth into a spiral, so sometimes it's safer just to hide.

people are going to believe what they want, so you might as well do what's good for you, anyway.

the voice in my head that tells me that this situation is completely unfixable, there's no hope, nothing left to lose, every reason to let go.  it's like living a small death - the death of hope and possibility - every time i think about the fact that he has no one, no money, no place to go, no real friends, no future because every time something good comes together, he tears it to shreds that much harder...i can't breathe.

you'd think that after this long, the voice would have become soundless white noise, but it's so loud i want to scream...so i turn on another sound...a sound of someone else's life that i can deal with, for now...it may not be mine, but it will let me avoid looking into the eyes of a death i cannot fathom or imagine...for just a little while longer...


"i'll never understand my heart..."

alone

deleted due to judgment (that i don't need) from people i don't know.

low light

so, blog title is a pearl jam song. i could link the lyrics, but i'm really just writing to do it and i'm too tired to make the effort. *sorry* just to sum up this week:

trapped in the house since last friday night due to stomach virus, then apocalyptic ice conditions.

due to said ice, i have needed (and can't do) the following:

- RETURN MY OVERDUE F-ING LIBRARY BOOKS
- bathe my disgustingly filthy child (poor thing)
- wear anything other than flannel or sweat/yoga pants. i feel like i should be at an indigo girls concert or a bikram)
- move out of a 100 feet radius
- buy supplies for my valentine's card
- buy stamps
- go to the doctor at the pain management clinic who is supposed to verify that pain isn't making me suicidal
- get my super cheap laser hair removal done (groupon deal)
- go to guitar class
- go to the chiropractor's
- get my dissertation proposal done
- get grayson's vaccine
- take out the trash (yeah, it's on the patio; classy)
- not risk my life everytime i take phoenix outside due to a potential slip and fall
- have a 5 minute break from my children

i need a vacation, a dose of eddie, something!!
i have been able to listen to a lot of music, though; very nice.

and my second injection is tomorrow; wish me luck and a pain-free IV.

that's all i can think of for now, but viva la YIELD!! happy 13th birthday to one of my favorite albums (i'm old, they're albums, not CDs).

2/3/98

"don't you think you ought to rest?
don't you think you ought to lay your head down?
don't you think you wanna sleep?
don't you think you ought to lay your head down tonight?
don't you think you've got enough?
don't you think you've got enough, well maybe?
don't you think it's time to stop?
there's time enough for you to lay your head down tonight."

something's missing

i doubt anyone noticed, but this blog title is also a song title. i did that before with "caring is creepy". i'm thinking about doing a whole month of music-themed titles, just to amuse myself and to describe my feelings or what i'm writing about. i think you get the point of this entry.

anyway, that song pretty much sums up how i'm feeling lately. i feel like i have sorted out a lot of things in my life. i'm at peace with my relationships with family and friends; even if they're not ideal, i can live with them for now and be okay. i'm motivated about school and doing what i need to be doing.

when i think back to what was going on a year ago and how i felt, i feel like a greatly revised/improved/upgraded person...april 2.0

but still "something's missing, and i don't know how to fix it." because of this, i feel restless and out of sorts in a way. i'm not looking for drama or chaos, a little excitement maybe; something to look forward to.

i'm also struggling a bit with the fact that i want to talk to someone, in order to repair a situation that was good, but went bad. i feel like i acted quickly at the time because i was dealing with my own life-threatening and sanity-based issues, and i didn't have the capacity to fix anyone else. not that i ever *want* to be in that position, but i was asked to be.

anyway, i'd like to talk to this person because i do feel like i'm different. i'd like to apologize and see how he's doing; i miss him and hope he's okay. i've tried to reach out several times in the 11 months since we talked, and he's been unresponsive. no email, text, or phone call telling me to f*ck off, just...silence. i don't want to inflict any pain on this person, we were great friends before all this went down, and i'm really concerned about his general well-being.

but i can't force someone to talk to me. i can't make someone respond or reciprocate, and if i make any further efforts, i feel like i'm invading his personal/emotional space, even though i emailed and said that if he didn't want me to contact him again, to let me know, and he didn't.

part of me wonders if he's punishing me in some way by ignoring me. i know that he was hurt, i don't know if he still is (i hope not), but i don't know if he would be vindictive and hurtful in return. maybe because i *do* feel at peace with everything else in my life, i want to fix this, too.

i think one of the worst things you can do to a person, i mean without physically assaulting him/her, is to shut the person out of your life. you are left with no answers and many questions.

i don't believe in closure, but i'd like to be at peace with this person. maybe i'm just being selfish, and trying to find what's missing.

well, that helped/sucked

so, one of my awesome friends asked me to be in a music video with some of our other friends about a month ago, and the artist/singer of the song was in town last night. we went to dinner with him, and then to his show at the loft. his name is eric himan, and he's really talented, very charismatic, and funny. we had a really good time. why does this paragraph seem so stilted and completely lacking in creativity?

moving on...

oh, here is the video:



so, i found out when we got to the venue that he's gay. don't care, no big deal, more power to you, but that means that 99.9% of the crowd was gay, too...because the headliner was yet another gay boy.

oi, vay!

and oh how i love a boy with a guitar. that may be one of my biggest weaknesses.

now, i know that i said i was avoiding boys/relationships until july, but come on! i just sat there thinking (and saying to luis), "i'm never going to find a guy!" i've never been one to try and recruit a boy to switch teams or anything, but there are a lot *lot* of cute gay boys in dallas, and some that i never would've thought were gay, which totally threw me (and my gay-dar) off.

the headlining singer was really mellow, depressing, and gloomy. sure, he's talented, and normally i can take depressing songs with the best of them (i prefer them), and i come by it genetically, but i've been in a good/great mood, and i just wasn't feeling it.

what was i feeling you ask?

i was feeling like a fifth grader who was tweaking on sugar, caffeine, and vodka. i didn't have any sugar or caffeine, and very little vodka (p.s. don't let kids eat too much candy, caffeine, or vodka), but i was uber-giddy and silly. sooooo luis and i became the annoying people that everyone in the bar is hoping will leave or shut the hell up.

we did not leave.

it was as quiet as a freaking church in there, other than the singing. and every song was about death, or hating life, or being alone, or hanging yourself (i think), or moving to europe. ugh.

the place also has hardwood floors, and people were tiptoeing around so they wouldn't make any noise. meanwhile, i was making inappropriate, obnoxious comments to luis, apologizing to the people who heard me, spying on the guy in front of us who was texting some dude, and reporting said texts back to luis. we were giggling like school girls.

it was awesome, but i did get some dirty looks, and "why are you here, straight girl?" glances.

oh, well. we had a blast.

next:

all these hollywood break ups this week, and the cheating scandals in the media have made me even more skeptical and cynical about marriage. i don't know how anyone can expect their relationship to last the rest of their lives. it's sad, but i think for the most part if you get married in your 20s, you're going to get divorced. and if you ever get married at all, there's a high percentage that you or your significant other will cheat.

what the hell is wrong with people?

next:
is oprah a bad interviewer, stupid, or gearing her interviews *for* stupid people? she asks the same redundant questions, rephrases the interviewee's answers, and ends up sounding like a repetitive dumb ass. plus, she interrupts, cuts people off, and is kind of annoying.

ADD?

so, i've been thinking all day about what i want to write about, and i cannot keep one train of thought for more than two minutes, which has led me to wonder if i have adult onset ADD (attention deficit disorder), which led me to look at the symptoms, and further my distractions.

my findings were a little disturbing. you need to have at least 15 of the symptoms to be diagnosed, and i have a fair share. i would've counted them, but i didn't have the patience to do so (not a good sign).

while i'm looking up the disorder, i'm also writing this blog, when in actuality i sat down at my desk to grade papers, and within the next 10 minutes, i'll get up again to do *something*, *anything* to keep me from sitting in one place and only working on one project.

here are a few streams of thought from today:

- wow, obviously almost a new moon because people are acting like assholes.
- people are driving like maniacs.
- why didn't i get any mail today? did the mailman even come; because i didn't see his truck?
- grayson is going to be bigger than phoenix soon. that's going to be a problem.
- i wish i hadn't cut my bangs over the summer because they're driving me crazy now.
- do i really like the christmas cards i'm making? are they too boring?
- do i feel like i have a sinus headache because of my allergies, or because of my meds?
- why does the big walmart carry edamame, but the grocery store version doesn't? and why the hell am i shopping at walmart now?
- i need to stop procrastinating my reading for school.
- i'm never going to find anyone to spend my life with because i'm a handful: tattoos, phd, independent. i'm screwed.
- why does the ten club keep posting tempting things and then sell out in 5 minutes?
- there is a *lot* of sex in "true blood". sex would be nice.
- i'm craving salt.

granted, none of these are supremely interesting internal conversations, but each of these ran through my head, usually more than one at the same time. i've also been doing almost anything i can think of to avoid studying/reading for my exams.

- i've almost finished my christmas shopping; unheard of!
- i've got my christmas card list done.
- i'm *making* christmas cards.
- i already have my dad's birthday present ready.
- i took pictures on my laptop with my kids.
- i've been organizing my itunes.
- i cleaned my entire apartment last friday, instead of reading.

in addition to all this craziness, i also can't listen to any cd in its entirety; my ipod is constantly on shuffle. i haven't watched a movie at home in months because i can't sit through the whole thing, and i constantly have at least 3 things going on at once. even when i'm in the middle of doing something, i'm thinking of something else i could be doing, too.

so i make lists. there are about five lists on my desk, not to mention my phone, my planner, and the refrigerator door.

when i'm not writing lists, this is what my life looks like: i'm writing this blog, grading, and wondering if hulu has the next episodes of "true blood" that i want to watch. hulu only has clips, so i have to do a search to find free episodes to watch online because i can't wait 4 days to get the next dvd from netflix. oh, and my itunes is playing a song from "romeo and juliet", i wonder if i should watch titanic. no, not the same movie, but i went from leonardo dicaprio in r&j to him in titanic. i don't think i could sit still that long. plus, i'd have to get the dvds out, and set up the tv to watch it. and about my itunes, are there any new cds i want to download? i really want the new fistful of mercy, but i put the vinyl edition on my amazon wishlist, and i'm not sure if i'm going to get it. but if i have the vinyl, i can only listen to it at home, but i *do* have the software to convert an album to a cd. i'd have to find that software, install it, hook up my laptop to the stereo; what a pain. and why don't i watch that much tv anymore? i love tv, but it just isn't interesting to me. i can't think of anything else that is, other than reading magazines because i only have to focus for 5 minutes at a time, tops.

this could keep going for days, people. this is why i have to have the tv on when i go to bed: to drown out the f-ing voices in my head that won't let me get a moment's peace without making a list, thinking of a project, checking a book to see if my astrological sign matches someone i just met, looking at my planner to make sure i wrote down everything i need to do tomorrow.

needless to say, this is exhausting.

it's just a broken heart

despite what you may think, i'm pretty particular about what i listen to (i think), but i also have a varied taste in music. for the past week, i've been running to taylor swift's new cd. now i realize that i'm not 14, but it's a guilty pleasure and it keeps me moving. her songs are all about good relationships gone bad, stupid choices (hello, john mayer), regret; all things i can identify with.

my musical taste does tend to gravitate toward the depressing love song; songs about ended relationships, betrayal, regret, "why didn't this work out", "why did you leave me", "i have to leave you, it's for the best". ya know, the brokenhearted variety. apparently, this is a genetic trait, as my dad listens to the same uplifting genre.

which made me wonder why pearl jam (yep, they're back) and their music mean so much to me. they don't really do a lot of "relationship" songs, not like the kind i was referring to. i'd say that they write a lot of songs that are "emotional", but they're about emotional pain; anger, abuse, loneliness. again, things with which i can identify.

the first pearl jam song that got me was "black". i had heard "alive", "jeremy" (hell, the kid who they based the song on went to a high school in my district and i remember when it happened), but those songs really didn't click. but "black", how could you *not* love this?





aw, young ed...what passion, what a voice. yes, he's beautiful, too. totally beside the point.

it wasn't until i heard "black", a song about a relationship that has ended, and the pain, loss, and regret that the singer feels, that i got the tape (remember those?) and literally sat for hours on my best friend deirdre's bed, trying to figure out the freaking lyrics.

because ed wouldn't be ed if he made anything less than challenging, especially when it comes to his personal experiences.

i listened to that song over and over, and my freshman year of college, i even had the lines
"i know someday you'll have a beautiful life, i know you'll be a star in someone else's sky. why can't it be mine?"
written in chalk on my wall.

my roommate probably thought i was nuts, but it was there for a reason, and for a person: the first person that i really and truly loved. he was, to date, the best boyfriend i've had, and when your best relationship happens at 18 years old, you, my friend, are fucked.

so, despite fact that the majority of pearl jam's lyrics aren't about lost love, they *are* about the human condition, and the struggles that (apparently) a lot of people feel. because i'm not sitting alone in those arenas, stadiums, and theaters. i definitely wasn't alone at madison square garden last may, with tens of thousands of people screaming and singing louder than the band.

i did a project about pearl jam for one of my classes, a storytelling project, and i had to interview 25 people and ask them 25 questions.

question #25 was this:

Which of these words, if any, have led you to Pearl Jam’s music because you can relate to these things and/or have experience with them: pain (emotional or physical or both), feeling like an outsider or misunderstood, dissatisfied, hopeless, alone, seeking a connection?

without question, all 25 people picked almost all of them.

so i'm not alone.

while love may have led me to pearl jam (and has kept me around), pain, dissatisfaction, and feelings of being misunderstood have kept me here, even though i'm part of a community that welcomes me with open arms. in that, i feel a connection.

elsewhere? that's a different story.