(i can't) enjoy the silence...

normally, i'm okay by myself.  i've lived alone for the majority of my adult life, but oddly enough, i've lived with at least one other person (other than phoenix and grayson) for the last year and a half.  now i don't.



well, phoenix and grayson are here...until grayson's attempt to assassinate phoenix edges closer to success, then it's buh-bye kitty.  not really, but if i don't threaten him, he doesn't have an excuse to try and shred the carpet, and then he loses his sense of purpose and life goals.

it's really quiet in here. i used to have to have music or the tv on all the time, but i got into the habit of having them off and not being uncomfortable because i didn't need the noise.  i felt good in my skin, doing my thing, without having a distraction that was clouding my thoughts. i could focus without *trying* not to hear what was in my head.

then, i got into the habit of being alone with someone else, in the quiet. i had never really done that before; there was always some form of distraction most times that we interacted.  i'm just now realizing that. however, in this new world, i could at least *feel* the presence of another person, and didn't crave the sound of a laugh track in the background that would force conversation.

now that person is gone...by my choice...and i know with every ounce of my being (what a cliche) that it's the right, and best, thing to do.  being with someone who's not only incredibly emotionally unhealthy, but also tears me down and resents my very existence because i've managed to do something with my life, and NOT exist solely as a drug addict, is NOT someone i want to be with.

imagine how that person would behave when i do something noteworthy, like work on my education, pay off my car, or love something someone else, like a dog, for instance.  how can anyone be jealous of phoenix? have you seen him? if he were any sweeter, he'd be lollipop, and i'm sorry, but someone who's been with me *every* minute of *every* day for almost nine years deserves not only an incredible amount of loyalty, belly rubs, and cookies, but a prize for "the longest-extended-stay-with-an-insane-person-without-succumbing-to-such-insanity" award.

nor do i deserve to be treated so badly by anyone, and why the hell would i want to be with someone like that in the first place?  anyway, that's an entire blog by itself.

"sometimes i guess there just aren't enough rocks..."

i can't stand the quiet right now.  it sounds strange, but it reinforces the fact that i'm alone...not alone, lonely.  there were a lot of times when i was with him and even lonelier than i am now, but i guess i could somehow, in my warped mind, figure out a way to spin it into something else, or have hope that it was just a moment, a phase, that there was *something* i could do that would make him realize that he has potential and goals, and that even if no one else in the entire world thinks he's worthwhile, i'm willing to love him as much as i can, if he'd just do three things: be nice, tell me the truth, and respect me.

i think those are pretty basic, required elements in any relationship.  was i asking for too much?

when i'm out, sometimes i just *want* to be home because it's comfortable, and i can eat cookie dough without people staring, and wear sweatpants 24/7, if i want to...but after awhile being home alone is starting to feel like solitary confinement to me. i'm trapped in a box with limited options, and because i am the way i am, i don't reach out, i don't speak, i withdraw, and i wither.

what's even worse is that i can't really listen to music right now, either. so much has been going on emotionally that the songs i like make me cry, and i mostly listen to songs with sad lyrics anyway, so i'm pretty much screwed.  i also associate songs with time periods, and i don't *want* to remember most of the right now. i don't want to ruin my music...so i have the tv on pretty much allll the time, even when i'm sleeping.   i've re-watched almost all five seasons of 'mad men' in less than a week.

it's netflix all night long...even if i wake up, and the tv show/movie i was watching is over, i pick another one.  i can't tell you how many charles manson documentaries i've watched...someone with some sense of sanity and desire to sleep would just close her eyes and drift off, or watch something that *isn't* about mass murderers.  not me.  i can't fall back asleep in the quiet...that's when the wheels start to spin.

in the last six or eight months, i started taking showers after always taking baths...my entire life...and now i'm back to baths because i have to be able to hear the tv.  i can't even handle twenty minutes of relaxing under a steaming stream of water without getting anxious.

hell, i drag my laptop into the bathroom and hook it up to the stereo so it's loud enough.  i don't think i want to hear what's going on in my head because i don't want to deal with it, most of which i already have, but somehow, i seem to need to masochistically process it yet again.

having someone who's intermittently in your life, in an unhealthy way almost always, who's on the brink of self-destruction and buried in self-hatred is horrible.  i've mourned this person's life, and anticipated his death, countless times.  it's exhausting, but i feel responsible in some way for keeping him from completely disintegrating.

i've felt like his lifeline too many times and for too long to just shut it off, especially when i know that that's the worst thing i could do...because he won't learn. there will never be a cliff too high to fall from.  there will never be a depth too low to sink to.  every one of his painful, humiliating, self-defeating behaviors will be blamed on my absence.

to him, i'm a traitor.
to me, i'm trying to thrive, instead of just surviving.

i know it's not my job, but i also know that there's no one left to care for him...not really.  too many bridges have been burned, and it's too late to salvage much of anything.  letting go of hope is one of the most difficult things to do, but i think that's what i'm trying to ignore...because i know it must be done, and i don't want to.  i don't know how let someone just suffocate under the weight of his own existence.

as cold as some people may think that i am, it couldn't be further from the truth.  it never seems to occur to people, even those who know me, that there are reasons i put up walls...there are reasons i don't let you in...there are reasons i run away...and it's not because i'm heartless or cruel.  it's self protection, plain and simple.  i'm more sensitive than almost anyone could realize, and letting down someone i love, being crushed, not doing my absolute best, sends my self-worth into a spiral, so sometimes it's safer just to hide.

people are going to believe what they want, so you might as well do what's good for you, anyway.

the voice in my head that tells me that this situation is completely unfixable, there's no hope, nothing left to lose, every reason to let go.  it's like living a small death - the death of hope and possibility - every time i think about the fact that he has no one, no money, no place to go, no real friends, no future because every time something good comes together, he tears it to shreds that much harder...i can't breathe.

you'd think that after this long, the voice would have become soundless white noise, but it's so loud i want to scream...so i turn on another sound...a sound of someone else's life that i can deal with, for now...it may not be mine, but it will let me avoid looking into the eyes of a death i cannot fathom or imagine...for just a little while longer...


"i'll never understand my heart..."

sleep to dream

ah, the lovely fiona...

i've been thinking all day about what to write, but i really don't have anything. i had a migraine for about 46 hours, and after resorting to horse tranquilizers, finally fell asleep at about 4am. i was groggy and tired the rest of the day, made myself go work out, but fell asleep for about an hour in the chair after getting some work done for my new job.

unfortunately, this is probably the most boring entry ever, but at least i'm writing something.

i really do love the lyrics to this song, one that will always remind me of an ex who, when we first started dating, was irresponsible, a dreamer, impractical. i, on the other hand, tried to be the exact opposite. i've never really considered myself one to have "dreams". i have goals, of course, but not lofty, impossible expectations that i assume will come to fruition with little to no effort. i also don't think that i'm special, and will be granted things by the sheer grace of the gods nor that i'm entitled.

granted, i've accomplished things with minimal effort, but that's due to my inherent predisposition, and the incredible genetic gene pool in which i was lucky enough to bob along in for nine months.

i think i've been incredibly fortunate and that someone is looking after me, and helping me along, giving me priceless gifts and memories that can in no way be attributed to anything or anyone else. i don't think this person is "God" or a god; i think it is someone i loved very much, more than any person i've ever known, who was taken entirely too soon.

people have attempted to besmirch his memory and malign his image in my eyes, but i will never believe that he was anything less than a wonderful, charming, funny man who loved me unconditionally. this man will forever be the most important, special person in my life and one of two people that i've always felt loved me for who i was, regardless of what i did.

wow, what a digression and tangential path away from the original topic. i really am tired; regardless, i miss that feeling, and him...

a praise chorus

i don't normally listen to jimmy eat world, but thank you ipod, for something that resonated with me today.

for whatever reason, i'm not going to question it, i'm feeling really good today. good...what a trite, overused word. i teach SAT prep classes, i should have a more extensive vocabulary. i feel wonderful, spectacular, peaceful, giddy...okay, enough adjectives.

i still have all the same problems that i had yesterday, but i've made several proactive moves in an attempt to alleviate my situation, which is reassuring, even though nothing has changed. at least i feel like i have some semblance of power in a powerless situation, and i asked for help, which isn't easy for me. i figure since i'm feeling delightful today, i'd relish it and embrace the practice of mindfulness.

too much of my life has been spent on worrying about past mistakes, or wondering what the future will bring, instead of just living wisely and presently in the moment. i've gotten much better at this, to the chagrin of some of my friends, because it's almost impossible for me to plan anything that happens more than a week in the future.

i've shut off my brain's ability to think past the next few days (even when it comes to school and goals), so the accusations and insinuations about my "expectations" that other people have foisted upon me couldn't be further from the truth. i'm doing my best to experience the day i'm in. it may be bad or good, but for every bay day, i try to learn something, and for every good day, i am grateful for what i have been given.

buddhists believe that life is basically misery...sadly, that's what drew me to it...however, an individual's goal is to identify what is causing the misery, decide how to get rid of it, and then banish it from his world. still working on that...anyway, learning from today is key.

one thing that i took away from the pain management program that has been immensely helpful, and changed both my perspective and my ability to handle stress, is the art of breathing. it's so easy, and something that i think gets overlooked 99% of the time. the best thing you can do to feel calm when you're overwhelmed, stressed, or anxious is to breathe.

i mean think about it, what is your breathing like when you're freaking out, having a panic attack, or ready to rip someone's head off? not too slow or soothing.

it sounds like a cliche, but it works. if you focus on breathing, slowly, evenly, in and out, you slow down mentally and physiologically. i've had days where i literally thought about my breathing for the entire day. every time i'd start to panic, i'd just focus on inhaling and exhaling, and not letting anything else in.

this is my praise for today: a day of serenity and pleasure. just take a deep breath; things will be better.

stupid

great song by
sarah mcicanneverrememberhowtospellherlastname...



i say this as a precursor to what is to follow, not as an arrogant statement, but as something that i have been told ever since i can remember: i'm an intelligent person.

growing up, my mom stressed *that* more than anything else, so it's something i've always valued and striven (strove? neither of those sounds correct, so much for the "intelligent" claim) for. she would tell me that i was beautiful, and funny, and blah blah blah, but intellect was of the highest esteem in our house.

having gotten that out of the way, i don't consider myself to be a dumb person, either; therefore, i don't quite understand why it is SO fucking difficult for me to learn certain lessons. i'm not an idiot, i put up with very little bullshit, and i'm pretty good at reading people.

i'm very upfront and open, but not in a tactless, brutal way; i just know what i want. i've been told by others that i'm brave, and thinking back, i guess i am.

so, WTF is wrong with me that i need to be smacked upside the head at least a dozen times (theoretically speaking) in order to learn a lesson that i've *already* learned 100 times before? apparently, i *didn't* learn it, or i wouldn't have to learn it again...

this doesn't apply to everything, mind you, mostly to situations involving how i'm treated by other people and what i'll allow in a relationship, be it friend, family, or boy.

other things in life, such as social etiquette, song lyrics, the birthdays of everyone i meet, *these* things i can commit to memory when i'm barely conscious. tell me your birthday, it's in there for life.

i can, however, also remember things that are vital, such as: always wash your hands after touching anything spicy, especially if you're going to stick your fingers in your eye. that's an important one.

i don't know if this (stubborn? we'll call it stubborn) behavior is something that is *so* deeply ingrained in me, it'll take years to slough off, but i want it gone...immediately...without question...buh bye.

i'm too old to blame my upbringing, and i've had enough therapy to know that i have other options and that it would be in my best interest to select one of *those*. they say that insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting a different outcome. i guess that fits in this instance...not that i consider myself insane, but whatever.

the proverbial "they" also say that a person won't change his patterns/behaviors unless they stop working for him. an asshole will always be an asshole if he's happy with the end result of his efforts; he has absolutely NO reason to change.

clearly, some of my patterns aren't working for me, and i need to find a few new ones. i wish they had a manual, something like "WHAT TO DO WHEN YOUR SUBCONSCIOUSLY SELF-DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIOR MANIFESTS ITSELF INTO A CONSCIOUS ONE: HOW TO PICK A SELF-EMPOWERING BEHAVIOR! (GUARANTEED RESULTS IN 30 DAYS, OR YOUR MONEY BACK)".

i do know that i have to change. admitting you have a problem is the first step, but apparently just knowing that i do dumb shit, and that i'll end up hurt, disappointed, and feeling like i need to take a chlorox shower isn't enough of an incentive for me. and neither is getting theoretically knocked upside the head.

maybe i need a *literal* whack to the head...

weight of it all

matt nathanson...

i'm not sure what is going on, but this week i have *very* little ability to deal with anything good or bad, mostly bad. actually, i know part of what's going on: new moon, two months worth of SAT lessons and prep in a total of *maybe* 24 hours (which is an intellectual mind suck, to say the least), two days of training, very little sleep, lots of things on my mind, figuring out my new work schedule, stressing about the loss of my insurance, grayson almost broke my foot this morning, nerves are still acting up, i'm wondering if my 90 supply of meds will get here before my current supply runs out, trying to plan my research trip, and i can't remember *anything* and i need to make decisions that affect other people, so having some semblance of intellect or ability to plan/decide would be very helpful.

jesus, what next?

i can deal with a *lot* of shit, but i'm just burned out. i need about a 72 hour nap...straight through...no getting up, no dealing with the kids or FB or drama or parents or work or thinking or moving or pain or planning or money problems or emotions or scheduling.

what's strange is that i'm not worrying about a lot of those things because there's absolutely nothing i can do. i am powerless to control 99% of what happens in my life. i have thrown my proverbial hands up in the air. all i can control is myself.

however, my emotions are still there, i can't shut them off. the best i can do is refrain from acting out negatively. however, they've been weighing on me enough that i can barely stand up...i need to lay down.

i'm exhausted, i need a vacation, a break from reality. i was supposed to be out of town this week, and that fell the hell apart, so now i have to wait until july 5th.

awesome.

i may not make it.

i'd go to bed now, but it's night 2 of 3 of celebrating the bestie's birthday and i can't miss it. plus, the stupid fucking mavericks are playing and i can't miss that. fine, bed at 11, sleep till i meet my friend at 1:30 tomorrow?

i wish.

in my life

the blessed beatles...

ugh, i'm trying so hard to take the high road, and do what's best for me, but what the hell? the road is getting lower and lower, and i'm doing my best to resist.

the bestie and i got into a discussion tonight about connections, "psychic connections", or those that resonate deeply and seem to bind two people through no force that can be explained or verified. she and i share this link; i don't know if it's because we've known each other since 1980, or because we're just naturally in sync, but we're in each other's heads a lot, and more often than not when i text her, she is picking up the phone to text me (or vice versa).

i also have this "link" with my mom. i didn't even realize it until i was in my early 20s and she said that ever since i was a kid, i had the ability to read her mind. she'd think of something she'd promised me, and out of nowhere, i'd mention it (her internal response, "shit! i thought she had forgotten.")

as i've gotten older, i've paid more attention to this type of phenomenon, and anything that may be sixth sense-related, i.e. the ghost issue. i've had similar intuitions and experiences with close friends, my sisters, but i can't think of one guy, really.

except one...the person that i'm trying to eradicate all feelings for.

son of a bitch.

he and i clicked instantaneously; looking back, it was almost like a car crash: forceful, dangerous, and too fast to do anyone any good. within a few days he was able to get inside my head and say what i was thinking without even trying. i seemed to read him in a similar fashion, i thought.

i was at ease from the get go, in ways it normally takes months for me to feel comfortable. the synchronicity was intense and instant, like an elastic band effortlessly snapping into place. i think that's why this person is so embedded in my thoughts. i feel like we're connected somehow, and how do you break a connection with someone?

i haven't talked to my mom in about 50 weeks (not that i'm counting), but i thought about her over the weekend, and had an overwhelming desire to contact her, for absolutely *no* reason, and trust me, i pondered it quite a bit...not much else you can do when you're drugged up, in pain, and icing your entire lower body. i didn't do it because logically, i had no reason to do so, and i was able to recognize that.

i had to run an errand today, and i was about 1/2 a mile from her house. out of nowhere, i felt like i had to, *had* to go to her house *immediately*. it was a visceral, almost physical pull to turn my car around. i came so close, but then i had a moment of rational thought, and realized that it was a bad idea.

instantly, i started crying, even while singing. i couldn't help it; i was sad...sad for what i've lost, what i've always wanted, and what i'll never have. i think that's another reason i've felt overwhelmed and lost the past few days: i'm not sure where this primal mother-craving instinct is coming from, and it's throwing me for a loop. i worked through this months ago, but then again, i also heard my biological clock ticking like a time bomb the other day, so maybe that's a contributing factor.

i feel like my distance from my mom is equivalent to an addict or an alcoholic in recovery. our relationship is that much of a toxic (at this point) and unhealthy influence in my life; i don't want to lose my 350something days of sobriety. luckily, i've had the presence of mind to refrain from acting on wild impulses.

i'm trying to apply those skills to other areas of my life. i *know* there are ways to implement them, and if i could just have the willpower to do so, i'd be much better off. the thing is, part of me doesn't want to; part of me wants to cave, to give in, to feel that bond of understanding and shorthand, regardless of the repercussions. hell, it took 30+ years to break up with my mom, but then again, she's my mom. she literally grew me in her body like a pod.

that's the selfish, masochistic part of me that aches to be understood and unquestioned in what i value, the part of me that is tired of having to defend what i'm passionate about, and just wants to be unconditionally accepted. i think everyone has that desire.

if i've learned anything in the past year, however, it's that a bond with someone isn't necessarily healthy or in my best interest. i figured out a long time ago that just because someone has been in my life for decades doesn't mean they belong here; some people outgrow you, and you outgrow some people.

so i ask you: how do you break a connection with someone? i honestly have no idea...

over and out

title? back to the foos...

seriously, how many times can someone be inconsiderate, selfish, immature, and emotionally retarded before i just say 'fuck it' and walk away? it used to be quite a few. sorry, but that's what i knew and how i chose to live my life. i thought i'd stopped that shit, but apparently i need to be smacked in the head a few more times, humiliated, and become a nervous wreck before i give up.

i've tried being nice, i've tried telling this person how i feel (no acknowledgement, instead he/she ignored everything i said because to acknowledge would mean an adult, SOBER conversation), i've tried to be understanding, i've tried to elicit a positive emotion or some semblance of a mature response, but i'm done. if you can't even admit that you contacted me because you wanted to talk to me/say hi, wtf is wrong with you?

hell, wtf is wrong with me?

this person does *not* deserve any more excuses or coddling from me, or by me. i don't wish this individual any harm, but i can't have this behavior in my life. if you're going to be self-destructive and kill every good thing in your life, i refuse to be a casualty. i wanted to be there, i wanted to love you, but you sabotaged everything.

i read my tarot cards last night, and while some people don't believe them, i do (or i probably wouldn't be reading them, duh), and they were right on the money...eerily so.

this person is in the way of where i need to go with my life; this person has betrayed me and lied to me, involving a third party; i want a happy resolution, but that particular outcome is still up in the air. i think after today it's on the ground and buried. i wish the situation were different, but things feel broken beyond repair.

i've also been feeling *extremely* overwhelmed and emotionally overloaded the past few days, and i'm really not sure why. the weekend was pretty uneventful, but i feel like i'm under so much pressure: financial, academic, job, family. i guess when you add all that up, feeling overwhelmed is an appropriate response. however, i deal with all that shit on a daily basis, and pretty much shrug it off, or deal with it and get over it.

i know that being in incredible pain since i had the rhizotomy done last week isn't helping. i'm supposed to have about six months without pain once it "takes effect", but in the meantime i feel like i'm making up for that lost time now. my entire lower body feels like i'm alternately getting zapped with electrodes, poked with forks, hit with a sledge hammer, or dragged behind a car. when pain is bad enough to make me cry, it's really, really bad.

i'm not exaggerating; i wish i were.

anyway, the original point of this post (removing myself from a situation that has been adding grief, pain, and frustration to my life) is that i have to take care of myself. i have too much going on to have someone treat me so poorly, and obviously neither of us should be in the other's life.


sadly, despite the remnants of affection i feel for this person, i'm out.

hand to (your loud) mouth

yes, i realize that this blog is public, but i don't understand people's inclinations to post negative, hateful comments on it. do you get pleasure in insulting people you don't even know (me), who obviously have their own issues going on (me) because they're posted for the world to see? just because i put myself out there doesn't mean that i want to be bitch slapped.

OR are these individuals clueless in the fact that they're acting like mean, spoiled brats? i don't know why i have to address this again; i already wrote a blog about a jackass who read my posts and then gave me grammar and capitalization critiques. don't understand what i'm saying, don't read it!!

i don't want to think that people are naturally cruel to others, but i do sometimes wonder. anyone who reads what i post is completely entitled to think whatever they want (that goes without saying). however, if you *don't* like what i post, especially if you don't even know me, and there are random people who follow this that i have no clue who they are, DON'T FUCKING READ MY BLOG!! i don't need people who are intentionally inflicting pain on me.

i have enough shit going on in my life that i'm trying to improve, work through, and fix that i don't need your judgmental negativity. just leave me the hell alone; it's not like you're saying anything that's helpful or thoughtful. if anything, remember what you were taught in the 1st grade: if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.

you go your way, i'll go mine.

alone

deleted due to judgment (that i don't need) from people i don't know.

release

i haven't really posted about pearl jam lately, so that's their song in the title, mostly because the lyrics contain the word 'pain', and release from pain would be a really good thing right about now. i'm so frustrated because i'm trying to stay positive and on an even keel. i've got a good little medication cocktail for the depression worked out; i even had my diagnosis downgraded from severe to moderate. but with the pain i've been dealing with, it's really difficult. i do *not* want to bitch and moan all the time, but chronic pain is just that: with you all the time.

it's gotten to the point where it consumes almost every minute of my day. i can't concentrate, focus, or think about anything else without factoring in how much i have to move, how much it's going to hurt, and how much i'll regret it later.

along with all those calculations, i also have to try to figure out how i can do all the things that i need to in any given day, and how many i can neglect. last night was particularly bad, and phoenix was completely freaked out because i was crying, screaming into my pillow, and pulling my hair. i have traumatized my child.

i've been getting spinal injections to control the pain. it's basically a cortisone epidural, and while the procedure isn't bad, i feel horrible afterward. the first one helped alleviate the pain for almost two weeks, but the second one made it worse. my left arm ached, the knife was lodged in my back again, and it felt like a poker was embedded in my neck and head.

after much crying, frustration, and phone calls, i saw my doctor today, who wanted to talk to me about surgery. um, i believe my sentiment to her nurse was along the lines of "HELL NO!" but i still wanted to talk to the doctor about my concerns, results, etc., so i went.

she told me that my reaction to the second injection was atypical; not surprising, as my body tends to do the opposite of what it's supposed to do most of the time. the first injection (they do a series of three) is supposed to reduce the pain by 30%, then another 30% with the second, and then another 30% with the third one.

this, obviously, didn't happen, but since the first one worked she wants to do the third. after that, if i'm still having problems i'm going to have to see a surgeon. i've talked to a few medical professionals about back surgery, and everyone has strongly "urged" me to refrain. usually, they fuse your vertebrae together, then the surrounding vertebrae take up the slack, then *they* need surgery, and so on. no thank you, to the snowballing back surgeries.

however, what my doctor said was that i wouldn't have anything fused. a surgeon would do a minimally invasive procedure to "clean out" all the goop (i have no idea what the medical term is) that's poking around, sticking out, whatever and messing with my pinched nerves. apparently the bulging is incredibly bad (that's what she said), and the severity of the pinching may be what caused the bad reaction to the second injection.

in addition to this, i'll be starting an interdisciplinary pain management out patient program next week, three days a week from 8am to 3pm. needless to say, i'm pushing back my qualifying exams, which i really don't want to do but i'm completely useless at this point, and can't be in constant pain and taking pain killers daily (i'm up to percoset at this point).

the program will consist of physical therapy, occupational therapy, swimming, education about chronic pain, biofeedback, and relaxation techniques. and if the pain isn't reduced by this program, at least i'll be better equipped to deal with it on a daily basis.

fantastic.

i'm not as freaked out about surgery now, knowing that nothing will be soldered together with metal, and if they need to go in and vacuum all that crap out for me to feel better, i'm all for it. it'll take a few weeks to recuperate (i don't know the exact amount of time), but i'll worry about that later.

for now, i'm going to focus on what will essentially be my job for the next five weeks: reducing my pain so that i can feel like human again.

the boxer

an old song by simon and garfunkel.

sitting in the house for almost an entire week made me start feeling like a veal waiting in a pen, fattening up for the slaughter. not that i sat in a cage, eating non-stop, but i definitely started feeling lethargic and sentient.

between that, not exercising for several months because of my back, and seeing 'the fighter' yesterday (btw, go see it), i am ready to get moving! i've been really afraid to do anything requiring physical exertion because i'm in enough pain just living and breathing.

i'm feeling really motivated to be more active than i have been able to be...we'll see how long this lasts...but at least for now i'm going to take advantage of this energy and do what i can, all the while being mindful of my back. i'm gonna start with the eliptical, yoga, and water aerobics.

i have my second spinal injection tomorrow. i was petrified last time, and having the sadistic b*tch who repeatedly tried to shove an IV in my hand *didn't* help. but now i'm like, "let's go!! how many can we do at once? can you just shoot something in my spine to fill up ALL the holes at once?!?" my chiropractor had a good laugh at that today.

i actually miss running, i'm not sure if i'll ever be able to do it again, but i'll do what i can for now. i'm starting to panic about my exams, and i definitely need a stress outlet. boxing would be the perfect outlet.

mental note, ask doctor about likelihood of me boxing...

back to you

wow, it's been a while since i've blogged. i've thought of topics to write about, but that's about as far as it got. a big part of my absence can be attributed to the fact that i've been in almost constant pain for the last two weeks (at least), and i felt semi-paralyzed for about three of those days. i figured i'd write about what's going on with regard to my back and all that...

i had an MRI done on january 13, and got a call from the nurse the next day that i needed to come in asap to get my results and my first "treatment", some kind of nerve block thing that entails me being semi-unconscious and my doctor injecting cortisone into my spine.

fun. fun. fun.

so, i went to the doctor on january 21; first opening, even though i was about to pull out my hair because of the pain from about january 17 till then. the MRI showed that not only do i have arthritis (knew that), i have stenosis (swelling of the spinal cord, gross), TWO bulging disks, pinched nerves in my neck, and a hairline fracture in my lowest vertebra. um, wtf?

i haven't really drunk (drank?) milk in a year or two (my memory is going to hell in a hand basket at this point), but i take calcium and vitamins every day. unless someone kicked me in the back (not that i'm aware of), or i fell on my ass (totally plausible) and don't remember (highly unlikely), i have no idea how that happened.

the doctor did say that being in two car accidents probably did enough damage to cause the arthritis, but the rest of it is just a deterioration of my body, pretty much.

okay, the procedure: this time cervical, and soon enough, lumbar. let me preface all of this by saying that i have a HIGH pain tolerance, and i'm not afraid of needles. hello, have you seen my tattoo? i can obviously deal. i also have had a bunch of piercings. however, i freaking HATE (what's up with all the caps today?) IVs. the first time i had to have one, i was 28, and already had a major phobia that i had worked up.

i've also had traumatic IV experiences almost every time. the first one was when i had appendicitis, and when the nurse put *that* IV in, i couldn't stop throwing up...and she didn't have a bucket, or a trashcan, or a pan, or anything. i had to throw up in one of those bags they give you for your belongings. i almost suffocated while throwing up. to this day, i can't eat fried rice. probably more info than you bargained for.

past that, after i had my appendix out, the IV malfunctioned, was in too long, or my veins were full because my entire arm and hand swelled up with fluid. dis-gusting. enter the masochistic nurse at 4 am, who came in to make sure i was alive and give me pain killers, saw the sausage that was my arm, and decided to rip the tape off against the hair growth (OUCH), then yanked it out.

no, i'm not exaggerating. at this point, i was sobbing. btw, i asked for pain killers before this little performance, and she told me i had to wait till after. why; was my arm going to fall off? no, and if it *was*, give me the drugs first!

one more IV story: i had one in my arm that was disconnected from the drip, but had to be left in my arm overnight "just in case" i bled to death while having the packing pulled out of my face. it itched *so* badly, i almost ripped it out myself.

wow, lots of personal medical info here. my poor body has been sufficiently altered since birth.

*back to 2011 and back injection*

so, nurse ratched comes in and tries to put an IV in the BACK OF MY HAND. why? i have a good 12 inches of arm she could stick it in. actually, 24 inches (two arms). she jabbed, and jabbed, and jabbed that needle while i looked the other way. yes, i was crying. wouldn't you?

the bitch even gave me a hard time about getting the IV because i have tattoos. in her mind, that means i should like pain? i'm not afraid of needles, but i don't want to see them entering my body. i have to lay down when i have blood taken or get a shot. hell, i even have to lay down when i get a tattoo, so i don't faint or throw up.

bitchy nurse finally gave up, and a nicer woman came over and put the IV in the crook of my arm where there are veins larger than a thread. they wheeled me in to the procedure room, and gave me "twilight". it's a type of anesthesia, but you're still conscious.

despite that, you feel super-drugged up, and it's a little amnesiac. before the injection, they stuck me in the back with something to numb the area; that hurt a bit. i didn't feel the injection at all, and it seemed to go by really quickly.

i spent the weekend drugged up (finally, pain killers that may not kill the pain, but at least knock me out) and immobile. i had to sleep in my living room chair for a few nights because every time my melon of a head is sideways, the flower stalk that is my neck felt like it was going to break.

the good news is that my mid-back (thoracic) is okay, because apparently that's the most difficult part to treat. anyway, three days later the stabbing pain is mostly gone, but my back still feels like someone stomped on it. it'll be a week or two before i feel the full effects.

and just think, in eleven days i get to do this all over again...