one of the unfortunate things (one of many) that happens when you take medications that are supposed to "fix" or stabilize your mood is that your ability to gauge how you feel is thrown off completely. the fact that i recently changed medications doesn't help, either.
i think some people are under the impression that if you take medication to alleviate depression, anxiety, etc., that you're just a ball of sunshine *all* the time. you wake up singing, skip to the shower, and treat the rest of your day as if you're the star in a broadway musical.
no, it does not look like this.
<------------------------------
medication is supposed to get you to a place (figurative, not literal. no all-expenses-paid trip to europe, or anything like that) where you can experience the average, every day range of human emotions, from sadness to exhilaration, and all the colors in between.
it's supposed to keep you from laying in bed for three days, doing nothing but eating twizzlers, crying, and refusing to shower. that's not what my depression looks like, just an example.
herein lays my problem: when am i just having a bad day, and when are my meds not working? i have no freaking clue. i'm not laying on the couch, watching tv in my pajamas all day, only to take a bath and put on a different set of pajamas (*that's* what my depression looks like). i may have depression, people, but i'm not an animal.
i've been emotional for the past few days, very ponderous, thinking about topics more important than 'should i use the lemon vanilla lotion, or the almond milk? what to do, what to do'. i've been thinking about relationships and family issues, but nothing more than what i would typically think of in a given day.
i think.
a lot.
don't forget those voices...
but i really *don't* know if i'm just having a crappy couple of days, or if my brain isn't doing what it's supposed to be doing. there's no real way to know, other than wait, see if i feel better, or if the floor drops out from underneath me.
so...here i sit...a ticking time bomb...living in the grays.
despite not feeling all that great emotionally, i'm still getting up every morning and running; a very good sign. i've been socializing; also good. i've been productive and busy, not laying on the couch for days, but i'm not happy. i'm not altogether sad, just meh. blah.
this can't be what the average, every day human experience has become, can it? if not (or if so, for that matter), what the hell's going on?
inquiring minds (well, my mind) want to know...
I hear ya… as my p-doc noted – the medication is supposed to more or less level everything out so the lows aren’t as low and the highs aren’t as high. He also said that there will still be valleys… so is this his way of saying “I’m not sure how you’re supposed to feel?” Maybe. In a similar note, I feel as if I have been regressing lately – again, is it from the fact that the meds aren’t working or is my depression getting worse and the meds can’t keep up – both answers came from the doc. And here I (you) sit playing the waiting game…
ReplyDeleteI feel the same quit a bit of the time... been thinking of going to get checked out to see if it's depression or if I've just become a really lazy, boring, introverted person. I really hope you start to feel better soon and I hope I can figure my shit out. until then, just keep going and don't forget to smile. It makes people wonder what you're up to!!
ReplyDeleteI totally understand your inability to gauge the "normality" of how you're feeling right now, especially being on medication. That's one of the things I hate about medication. But the thing is that I think everyone's emotional balance ebbs and flows. Everyone has some detached meh days every now and then, even my completely stable, "normal" if ever anyone ever was, husband (this is the major advantage of living with someone like this - I've actually been able to figure out a lot better what "normal" looks like by observation). So, in a way you're right - you have to wait and see how long this goes on for. If it's a few days to a week, it's probably just one of those emotional tides ebbing out. If it lasts for a while, it could be something you need to talk to your care providers about. You might just be bored at the moment, though, despite the amount of activity you're engaging in. I read your other entry about not having a love interest right now. Maybe you're just bored/dissatisfied with that aspect of your life? I think keeping busy is a great way to work through that boredom though. :) Keep it up.
ReplyDeletei think 'meh' is probably more of the 'normal person's' experience than most want to admit. people work like crazy at jobs they don't particularly love in order to pay the bills and have a little free time here and there to spend with the people and activities they love. then again, i'm a pessimist. :>
ReplyDeletedo you have a good sense of your seasonal patterns? what are you like this time of year normally? i know i'm headed into a deep introspective/nostalgic period that isn't going to let up until the end of february. and no, it isn't seasonal affect disorder. sunlight makes me bitchy. it's just major holidays + my bday + v-day = a lot of milestones and self evaluation.
sounds like you are pretty functional right now, which is likely the best indicator of how you are doing. i've been thinking about meds a lot lately, too. ideally they'd be upped, but right now i only even have them b/c my doc funnels her pharma samples to me since i have no insurance and there's no generic yet. love our healthcare!
As I was saying to Julie, another of your 'followers' I too suffer from depression and I applaud you for your honesty.
ReplyDeleteDon't you think the holidays might be contributing to your 'melancholy' feeling right now? Just a thought because the holidays are always difficult for me.
I'll be checking back...
My best suggestion is to just continue tracking like this and see what patterns emerge. How long have you been on the meds again?
ReplyDeletethanks for all the feedback. i saw the dr today; she upped my dosage. it's only been about 4 weeks since i switched to this new med, so we'll see how it goes. fall is usually a nostalgic time for me, but my favorite season, despite the freaking holidays. writing every day helps me keep track of my mood and what's going on. love and hugs to you all!
ReplyDelete