change (in the house of flies)

yep, another fucking blog with the word change in it. that's really not what's been going on today, but what a great song.

what's really going on is booooooooredom. holy hell, i can't take it. i think the biggest contributing factor is my medication. so, here's the deal: i take 400 mg of one of my meds a day. if i go down to 300 (there is no 350 option), i'm bordering on mopey. at 400, i'm bordering on manic. i can work out two hours a day if i want, i have to make myself eat, i end up taking three ativan instead of two to avoid anxiety issues (the prescription is written for three a day, but i haven't needed the third one till they upped this other stupid medication), i can't sleep, i've lost weight, and i have to sit on my hands so i don't rip off my cuticles.

i don't have a psychiatrist for the summer, so i'm kind of on my own here, *plus*, i got a 90 supply of all my medication for the summer, and my prescription is for 400 mg capsules (used to be a handful of 100 mg caps a day, so i had options), so unless i'm gonna open one up and pour part of it out, i'm screwed for the next 83 days.

another reason for boredom: NO money. i can't afford to do *anything*, nothing, i'm not exaggerating. paying the rent in july? that's going to be a miracle. i've never been this broke in my entire life. it's beyond frustrating and a long story.

and the pool is closed for repairs, and it's 95 degrees outside, i have the attention span of a fly right now (a ha! there's the fly reference!). FML.

anyway, back to bored...and restless. i can't sit still. i did an hour on the elliptical tonight, lifted weights, did crunches, and i still could've ridden my bike ten miles and been okay. i didn't because i would've died of heat exhaustion.

i'm not sure what to do because i can't *stand* being bored, and it's not like i can focus and read or study or do anything remotely intellectual or educationally productive (horrible phrase, work with me here) because the restlessness kicks that to the curb.

so what do i do? i exercise, pace, drink...mostly water, but sometimes rum, do push ups, clean out closets and drawers and cabinets, take deep breaths, chew on the inside of my mouth, keep grayson from killing phoenix. but mostly, i think about how bored i am, so bored that i can't even think of anything fun to do at home. i've been watching tv, which i haven't done much of in months, but i have to pause it and get up every seven minutes.

i have so much useless energy and nothing to do with it. i can only do the elliptical for so long before i, guess what? get bored! i don't know if my back can handle running, and walking sucks. i know that a lot of this contradictory, and that's exactly how it feels in my brain and my body: wires crossed everywhere.

i don't wanna to go down to 300 mg because i do *not* want to feel depressed, nothing even remotely in the same ballpark as that bitch. this other option isn't so fun, but with everything else that's going on, i'd rather be high as a kite than hiding razor blades.

other than all that, i'm trying not to do stupid things that get me in trouble, which is what i usually do when i'm bored because at least *then* it's exciting. i don't know if that's working out so well...

i texted someone tonight that i said i wouldn't. i didn't take a blood oath or anything, just told myself it would be a bad idea. oops. it took like three days of thinking about it before i did it, so i wasn't completely irrationally spontaneous. still, oops.

and even worse: he misses me, he's thinking about me, he's thinking about things we used to do together, he wants to see me, blah blah blah.

yeah, back to the gym and hide the phone...

weight of it all

matt nathanson...

i'm not sure what is going on, but this week i have *very* little ability to deal with anything good or bad, mostly bad. actually, i know part of what's going on: new moon, two months worth of SAT lessons and prep in a total of *maybe* 24 hours (which is an intellectual mind suck, to say the least), two days of training, very little sleep, lots of things on my mind, figuring out my new work schedule, stressing about the loss of my insurance, grayson almost broke my foot this morning, nerves are still acting up, i'm wondering if my 90 supply of meds will get here before my current supply runs out, trying to plan my research trip, and i can't remember *anything* and i need to make decisions that affect other people, so having some semblance of intellect or ability to plan/decide would be very helpful.

jesus, what next?

i can deal with a *lot* of shit, but i'm just burned out. i need about a 72 hour nap...straight through...no getting up, no dealing with the kids or FB or drama or parents or work or thinking or moving or pain or planning or money problems or emotions or scheduling.

what's strange is that i'm not worrying about a lot of those things because there's absolutely nothing i can do. i am powerless to control 99% of what happens in my life. i have thrown my proverbial hands up in the air. all i can control is myself.

however, my emotions are still there, i can't shut them off. the best i can do is refrain from acting out negatively. however, they've been weighing on me enough that i can barely stand up...i need to lay down.

i'm exhausted, i need a vacation, a break from reality. i was supposed to be out of town this week, and that fell the hell apart, so now i have to wait until july 5th.

awesome.

i may not make it.

i'd go to bed now, but it's night 2 of 3 of celebrating the bestie's birthday and i can't miss it. plus, the stupid fucking mavericks are playing and i can't miss that. fine, bed at 11, sleep till i meet my friend at 1:30 tomorrow?

i wish.

over and out

title? back to the foos...

seriously, how many times can someone be inconsiderate, selfish, immature, and emotionally retarded before i just say 'fuck it' and walk away? it used to be quite a few. sorry, but that's what i knew and how i chose to live my life. i thought i'd stopped that shit, but apparently i need to be smacked in the head a few more times, humiliated, and become a nervous wreck before i give up.

i've tried being nice, i've tried telling this person how i feel (no acknowledgement, instead he/she ignored everything i said because to acknowledge would mean an adult, SOBER conversation), i've tried to be understanding, i've tried to elicit a positive emotion or some semblance of a mature response, but i'm done. if you can't even admit that you contacted me because you wanted to talk to me/say hi, wtf is wrong with you?

hell, wtf is wrong with me?

this person does *not* deserve any more excuses or coddling from me, or by me. i don't wish this individual any harm, but i can't have this behavior in my life. if you're going to be self-destructive and kill every good thing in your life, i refuse to be a casualty. i wanted to be there, i wanted to love you, but you sabotaged everything.

i read my tarot cards last night, and while some people don't believe them, i do (or i probably wouldn't be reading them, duh), and they were right on the money...eerily so.

this person is in the way of where i need to go with my life; this person has betrayed me and lied to me, involving a third party; i want a happy resolution, but that particular outcome is still up in the air. i think after today it's on the ground and buried. i wish the situation were different, but things feel broken beyond repair.

i've also been feeling *extremely* overwhelmed and emotionally overloaded the past few days, and i'm really not sure why. the weekend was pretty uneventful, but i feel like i'm under so much pressure: financial, academic, job, family. i guess when you add all that up, feeling overwhelmed is an appropriate response. however, i deal with all that shit on a daily basis, and pretty much shrug it off, or deal with it and get over it.

i know that being in incredible pain since i had the rhizotomy done last week isn't helping. i'm supposed to have about six months without pain once it "takes effect", but in the meantime i feel like i'm making up for that lost time now. my entire lower body feels like i'm alternately getting zapped with electrodes, poked with forks, hit with a sledge hammer, or dragged behind a car. when pain is bad enough to make me cry, it's really, really bad.

i'm not exaggerating; i wish i were.

anyway, the original point of this post (removing myself from a situation that has been adding grief, pain, and frustration to my life) is that i have to take care of myself. i have too much going on to have someone treat me so poorly, and obviously neither of us should be in the other's life.


sadly, despite the remnants of affection i feel for this person, i'm out.

monkeywrench

wow, so i haven't written in about three and a half months. i can't believe it's been that long, especially since i was writing almost every day. things got busy, i was doing a lot to relieve my back/chronic pain, but things were mostly smoothed out, sailing along, and i didn't make writing a priority. i was too busy living my life, content and satisfied.

i felt so much better physically, mentally, emotionally. i've come to terms with a lot of things and made progress by leaps and bounds this year, as far as personal goals i set for myself.

now, i'm really regretting not keeping us with this blog, because if anything, looking back on things is a way to avoid making the same mistakes again, and a way to refresh your memory about all those things that were good, that make you happy and proud.

i realize that for every accomplishment or step forward, regression and a few steps backward are par for the course. in my experience, things will progress fantastically for a while, and then there will be a bump (or a fucking landmine) in the road, and it feels like everything has gone to shit. i get thrown off course.

one big improvement is that my recovery time has shortened drastically. i get upset, i give myself a certain amount of time to grieve and wallow, then i do what i know will bring me back to life and i'm back on track.

and that's basically what has happened the past few weeks, except things keep happening that prevent me from fully recovering or doing what i need to do. i have fallen off the wagon of self care and goal achievement. i'd gotten into the zone of being focused on taking care of myself, doing what i need to do, studying, exercising, socializing, eating well, *sleeping*, all the things that i know i need to do to stay sane and stable.

and then one distraction, at first glance a positive one, managed to send all of that into a tailspin of amazingly careless and self-destructive habits in a matter of weeks. i haven't been sleeping or eating. i've lost about 6 lbs. in a month, i have lacked the ability to set healthy boundaries, i've been exceedingly reckless, and i put the needs of someone else above my own (never a good thing), especially when the other party doesn't do the same.

bottom line: i feel like a fucking idiot. it's so rare to find a connection with someone, especially an instant, intense, easy connection. i found one, and i let it overtake me. i let my emotions dictate my choices and didn't stop to think about what i was doing. i didn't stop to think if what i was doing was a good choice for me. i lost sight of what i needed to do, and i lost sight of myself.

i let someone in for the first time in a long time, and now i'm wondering if it's something i'll be able to do again. i've never been one to just shut down my feelings or who i am. i want to experience all that i can and not hide. fear isn't something i experience very often.

i have so many other positive, healthy, happy things in my life that i've let fall by the wayside in such a short amount of time. i'm ashamed...

i wanted to incorporate this new part into my world, have someone to share my happiness with, have someone who *gets* what matters to me without question or judgment. this other person seemed to want that, too - making friends with mine, building a foundation for something between us, talking about the future.

i never saw it coming, but how can you ever expect betrayal when it rears its stealthy head? even if you feel a slight blip of doubt, you don't want to believe it, at least i don't. despite my cynicism, i give the people in my life countless chances for redemption, and i trusted this person. i couldn't find a reason not to; an amazing feat for me. i gave everything that i could to be a caring, loving, supportive person, and it was all for nothing.

what do i learn from this: that everyone has the potential to be a wolf in sheep's clothing? that my judgment about others hasn't improved despite my best efforts and beliefs to the contrary? that i deserve to be treated badly? that the only way to be treated well or not walked on is to walk on others?

i can't do that. i don't want to believe any of those things, and i'm not the person i used to be. i'm doing my best to be a kinder, gentler me every day, but for what? few seem to appreciate or value that version of me. kindness and understanding seems to equal gullible, deserving disrespect, a doormat.

i'm not angry, i'm numb, confused, hurt. i feel like a fool.

what's the point in trying to give someone your all when pain is the end result?

"This pair of wing's worn and rusted
From too many years by my side
They can carry me, swear to be sturdy and strong
But see, turning them on still means goodbye"

release

i haven't really posted about pearl jam lately, so that's their song in the title, mostly because the lyrics contain the word 'pain', and release from pain would be a really good thing right about now. i'm so frustrated because i'm trying to stay positive and on an even keel. i've got a good little medication cocktail for the depression worked out; i even had my diagnosis downgraded from severe to moderate. but with the pain i've been dealing with, it's really difficult. i do *not* want to bitch and moan all the time, but chronic pain is just that: with you all the time.

it's gotten to the point where it consumes almost every minute of my day. i can't concentrate, focus, or think about anything else without factoring in how much i have to move, how much it's going to hurt, and how much i'll regret it later.

along with all those calculations, i also have to try to figure out how i can do all the things that i need to in any given day, and how many i can neglect. last night was particularly bad, and phoenix was completely freaked out because i was crying, screaming into my pillow, and pulling my hair. i have traumatized my child.

i've been getting spinal injections to control the pain. it's basically a cortisone epidural, and while the procedure isn't bad, i feel horrible afterward. the first one helped alleviate the pain for almost two weeks, but the second one made it worse. my left arm ached, the knife was lodged in my back again, and it felt like a poker was embedded in my neck and head.

after much crying, frustration, and phone calls, i saw my doctor today, who wanted to talk to me about surgery. um, i believe my sentiment to her nurse was along the lines of "HELL NO!" but i still wanted to talk to the doctor about my concerns, results, etc., so i went.

she told me that my reaction to the second injection was atypical; not surprising, as my body tends to do the opposite of what it's supposed to do most of the time. the first injection (they do a series of three) is supposed to reduce the pain by 30%, then another 30% with the second, and then another 30% with the third one.

this, obviously, didn't happen, but since the first one worked she wants to do the third. after that, if i'm still having problems i'm going to have to see a surgeon. i've talked to a few medical professionals about back surgery, and everyone has strongly "urged" me to refrain. usually, they fuse your vertebrae together, then the surrounding vertebrae take up the slack, then *they* need surgery, and so on. no thank you, to the snowballing back surgeries.

however, what my doctor said was that i wouldn't have anything fused. a surgeon would do a minimally invasive procedure to "clean out" all the goop (i have no idea what the medical term is) that's poking around, sticking out, whatever and messing with my pinched nerves. apparently the bulging is incredibly bad (that's what she said), and the severity of the pinching may be what caused the bad reaction to the second injection.

in addition to this, i'll be starting an interdisciplinary pain management out patient program next week, three days a week from 8am to 3pm. needless to say, i'm pushing back my qualifying exams, which i really don't want to do but i'm completely useless at this point, and can't be in constant pain and taking pain killers daily (i'm up to percoset at this point).

the program will consist of physical therapy, occupational therapy, swimming, education about chronic pain, biofeedback, and relaxation techniques. and if the pain isn't reduced by this program, at least i'll be better equipped to deal with it on a daily basis.

fantastic.

i'm not as freaked out about surgery now, knowing that nothing will be soldered together with metal, and if they need to go in and vacuum all that crap out for me to feel better, i'm all for it. it'll take a few weeks to recuperate (i don't know the exact amount of time), but i'll worry about that later.

for now, i'm going to focus on what will essentially be my job for the next five weeks: reducing my pain so that i can feel like human again.

the boxer

an old song by simon and garfunkel.

sitting in the house for almost an entire week made me start feeling like a veal waiting in a pen, fattening up for the slaughter. not that i sat in a cage, eating non-stop, but i definitely started feeling lethargic and sentient.

between that, not exercising for several months because of my back, and seeing 'the fighter' yesterday (btw, go see it), i am ready to get moving! i've been really afraid to do anything requiring physical exertion because i'm in enough pain just living and breathing.

i'm feeling really motivated to be more active than i have been able to be...we'll see how long this lasts...but at least for now i'm going to take advantage of this energy and do what i can, all the while being mindful of my back. i'm gonna start with the eliptical, yoga, and water aerobics.

i have my second spinal injection tomorrow. i was petrified last time, and having the sadistic b*tch who repeatedly tried to shove an IV in my hand *didn't* help. but now i'm like, "let's go!! how many can we do at once? can you just shoot something in my spine to fill up ALL the holes at once?!?" my chiropractor had a good laugh at that today.

i actually miss running, i'm not sure if i'll ever be able to do it again, but i'll do what i can for now. i'm starting to panic about my exams, and i definitely need a stress outlet. boxing would be the perfect outlet.

mental note, ask doctor about likelihood of me boxing...

low light

so, blog title is a pearl jam song. i could link the lyrics, but i'm really just writing to do it and i'm too tired to make the effort. *sorry* just to sum up this week:

trapped in the house since last friday night due to stomach virus, then apocalyptic ice conditions.

due to said ice, i have needed (and can't do) the following:

- RETURN MY OVERDUE F-ING LIBRARY BOOKS
- bathe my disgustingly filthy child (poor thing)
- wear anything other than flannel or sweat/yoga pants. i feel like i should be at an indigo girls concert or a bikram)
- move out of a 100 feet radius
- buy supplies for my valentine's card
- buy stamps
- go to the doctor at the pain management clinic who is supposed to verify that pain isn't making me suicidal
- get my super cheap laser hair removal done (groupon deal)
- go to guitar class
- go to the chiropractor's
- get my dissertation proposal done
- get grayson's vaccine
- take out the trash (yeah, it's on the patio; classy)
- not risk my life everytime i take phoenix outside due to a potential slip and fall
- have a 5 minute break from my children

i need a vacation, a dose of eddie, something!!
i have been able to listen to a lot of music, though; very nice.

and my second injection is tomorrow; wish me luck and a pain-free IV.

that's all i can think of for now, but viva la YIELD!! happy 13th birthday to one of my favorite albums (i'm old, they're albums, not CDs).

2/3/98

"don't you think you ought to rest?
don't you think you ought to lay your head down?
don't you think you wanna sleep?
don't you think you ought to lay your head down tonight?
don't you think you've got enough?
don't you think you've got enough, well maybe?
don't you think it's time to stop?
there's time enough for you to lay your head down tonight."

growin' up

i haven't posted in a few days because i had some kind of stomach bug/virus. sucked. so, i i'll use a bruce/eddie cover song as my title.

i feel like i bitch a lot in this blog, but at least i'm getting rid of what's bothering me and not carrying it around, and no one is forced to read it, so...

when the hell are girls going to grow up? once i was out of my 20s and could look back with a somewhat objective eye, i decided that most girls in their 20s are straight up crazy. for the most part, they are. i was one of those girls, i know. guys in their 20s have their own slew of issues, but girls have the crazy market cornered.

okay then, i'm closer to 40 than 30 now (ouch), and i still have these stoopid girls in my life who act like they're 14. granted, these girls are mostly younger than me (they may all be younger than me), but i'm still dealing with maturation retardation. yeah, i just made that up.

younger, but they're *not* 14.

at some point in my adult life, i figured out that not everyone you know is going to be your friend for the rest of your life. well, i actually knew that i when i was about 15, but after that...a few years later...i came to the realization that just because you've known someone for a long time, it doesn't necessarily mean you're going to be friends forever.

in fact, it's sometimes to your detriment to do so, so just throw that BFF collage away right now.

people change, grow up, grow apart, and a long relationship isn't indicative of a healthy one that you should maintain. hell, you don't keep a boyfriend forever, and most girls tend to give *lots* more time, attention, and importance to boyfriends than to friends, so why keep some dumb girl (who won't carry heavy stuff and beat up dudes to protect your honor) in your life?

obviously not necessarily the way i live my life, or i wouldn't have such a bad back.

when you decide to end a friendship, for me, at least i just let it die out and end naturally. i don't pitch a fit, or scream "i'm leaving!" because at that point, all you're trying to do is get attention. i'd rather just slip out the side door, quietly. i used to do that with boyfriends, and yes, you get attention, but testing people is never the way to go.

so these aforementioned chicks and their childish, vindictive, mean girl attitudes needs to go. if you stop being friends with someone, that doesn't mean it's okay to talk shit about them to other people or to make their lives difficult. actually, i *do* know a guy that does this, and he is *entirely* too old to act like this.

and yes, i'm guilty of doing dumb things and hurting people's feelings, but i've learned to really *try* not to intentionally hurt people that i care about. if i stop being friends with someone, but we have mutual friends, i don't talk about the former friend, and then when pushed, i'm as diplomatic as possible.

just let it go. move on, have some self-respect. most times, less is more. that goes for emotions, too.

i'm only sleeping

yes, still keeping with the song title/lyric theme. let's see how long i can keep that going.

so, i sat down at my laptop to write a blog, and the only thing i can focus on is how exhausted i am. i mean, so tired that it hurts to type. i'm not sure why i'm soooo tired. i slept really well last night, other than being woken up by phoenix (once or twice, i can't even remember). maybe the lack of sleep for two weeks is catching up with me?

the thought of going to take a bath makes me want to cry, but i'm going. i just want to curl up in a ball and collapse. this is not the most interesting blog, but i'm trying to write every day after taking two weeks off. oh, and i went to the chiropractor today, who explained what's going on with my back, so i feel somewhat better about that.

okay, i'm starting to yell at my neighbors (who hopefully can't hear me) for stomping up the stairs like a herd of elephants, which makes phoenix bark, which makes me crazy. time to go.

please let me sleep...

good night. xoxo

back to you

wow, it's been a while since i've blogged. i've thought of topics to write about, but that's about as far as it got. a big part of my absence can be attributed to the fact that i've been in almost constant pain for the last two weeks (at least), and i felt semi-paralyzed for about three of those days. i figured i'd write about what's going on with regard to my back and all that...

i had an MRI done on january 13, and got a call from the nurse the next day that i needed to come in asap to get my results and my first "treatment", some kind of nerve block thing that entails me being semi-unconscious and my doctor injecting cortisone into my spine.

fun. fun. fun.

so, i went to the doctor on january 21; first opening, even though i was about to pull out my hair because of the pain from about january 17 till then. the MRI showed that not only do i have arthritis (knew that), i have stenosis (swelling of the spinal cord, gross), TWO bulging disks, pinched nerves in my neck, and a hairline fracture in my lowest vertebra. um, wtf?

i haven't really drunk (drank?) milk in a year or two (my memory is going to hell in a hand basket at this point), but i take calcium and vitamins every day. unless someone kicked me in the back (not that i'm aware of), or i fell on my ass (totally plausible) and don't remember (highly unlikely), i have no idea how that happened.

the doctor did say that being in two car accidents probably did enough damage to cause the arthritis, but the rest of it is just a deterioration of my body, pretty much.

okay, the procedure: this time cervical, and soon enough, lumbar. let me preface all of this by saying that i have a HIGH pain tolerance, and i'm not afraid of needles. hello, have you seen my tattoo? i can obviously deal. i also have had a bunch of piercings. however, i freaking HATE (what's up with all the caps today?) IVs. the first time i had to have one, i was 28, and already had a major phobia that i had worked up.

i've also had traumatic IV experiences almost every time. the first one was when i had appendicitis, and when the nurse put *that* IV in, i couldn't stop throwing up...and she didn't have a bucket, or a trashcan, or a pan, or anything. i had to throw up in one of those bags they give you for your belongings. i almost suffocated while throwing up. to this day, i can't eat fried rice. probably more info than you bargained for.

past that, after i had my appendix out, the IV malfunctioned, was in too long, or my veins were full because my entire arm and hand swelled up with fluid. dis-gusting. enter the masochistic nurse at 4 am, who came in to make sure i was alive and give me pain killers, saw the sausage that was my arm, and decided to rip the tape off against the hair growth (OUCH), then yanked it out.

no, i'm not exaggerating. at this point, i was sobbing. btw, i asked for pain killers before this little performance, and she told me i had to wait till after. why; was my arm going to fall off? no, and if it *was*, give me the drugs first!

one more IV story: i had one in my arm that was disconnected from the drip, but had to be left in my arm overnight "just in case" i bled to death while having the packing pulled out of my face. it itched *so* badly, i almost ripped it out myself.

wow, lots of personal medical info here. my poor body has been sufficiently altered since birth.

*back to 2011 and back injection*

so, nurse ratched comes in and tries to put an IV in the BACK OF MY HAND. why? i have a good 12 inches of arm she could stick it in. actually, 24 inches (two arms). she jabbed, and jabbed, and jabbed that needle while i looked the other way. yes, i was crying. wouldn't you?

the bitch even gave me a hard time about getting the IV because i have tattoos. in her mind, that means i should like pain? i'm not afraid of needles, but i don't want to see them entering my body. i have to lay down when i have blood taken or get a shot. hell, i even have to lay down when i get a tattoo, so i don't faint or throw up.

bitchy nurse finally gave up, and a nicer woman came over and put the IV in the crook of my arm where there are veins larger than a thread. they wheeled me in to the procedure room, and gave me "twilight". it's a type of anesthesia, but you're still conscious.

despite that, you feel super-drugged up, and it's a little amnesiac. before the injection, they stuck me in the back with something to numb the area; that hurt a bit. i didn't feel the injection at all, and it seemed to go by really quickly.

i spent the weekend drugged up (finally, pain killers that may not kill the pain, but at least knock me out) and immobile. i had to sleep in my living room chair for a few nights because every time my melon of a head is sideways, the flower stalk that is my neck felt like it was going to break.

the good news is that my mid-back (thoracic) is okay, because apparently that's the most difficult part to treat. anyway, three days later the stabbing pain is mostly gone, but my back still feels like someone stomped on it. it'll be a week or two before i feel the full effects.

and just think, in eleven days i get to do this all over again...