over and out

title? back to the foos...

seriously, how many times can someone be inconsiderate, selfish, immature, and emotionally retarded before i just say 'fuck it' and walk away? it used to be quite a few. sorry, but that's what i knew and how i chose to live my life. i thought i'd stopped that shit, but apparently i need to be smacked in the head a few more times, humiliated, and become a nervous wreck before i give up.

i've tried being nice, i've tried telling this person how i feel (no acknowledgement, instead he/she ignored everything i said because to acknowledge would mean an adult, SOBER conversation), i've tried to be understanding, i've tried to elicit a positive emotion or some semblance of a mature response, but i'm done. if you can't even admit that you contacted me because you wanted to talk to me/say hi, wtf is wrong with you?

hell, wtf is wrong with me?

this person does *not* deserve any more excuses or coddling from me, or by me. i don't wish this individual any harm, but i can't have this behavior in my life. if you're going to be self-destructive and kill every good thing in your life, i refuse to be a casualty. i wanted to be there, i wanted to love you, but you sabotaged everything.

i read my tarot cards last night, and while some people don't believe them, i do (or i probably wouldn't be reading them, duh), and they were right on the money...eerily so.

this person is in the way of where i need to go with my life; this person has betrayed me and lied to me, involving a third party; i want a happy resolution, but that particular outcome is still up in the air. i think after today it's on the ground and buried. i wish the situation were different, but things feel broken beyond repair.

i've also been feeling *extremely* overwhelmed and emotionally overloaded the past few days, and i'm really not sure why. the weekend was pretty uneventful, but i feel like i'm under so much pressure: financial, academic, job, family. i guess when you add all that up, feeling overwhelmed is an appropriate response. however, i deal with all that shit on a daily basis, and pretty much shrug it off, or deal with it and get over it.

i know that being in incredible pain since i had the rhizotomy done last week isn't helping. i'm supposed to have about six months without pain once it "takes effect", but in the meantime i feel like i'm making up for that lost time now. my entire lower body feels like i'm alternately getting zapped with electrodes, poked with forks, hit with a sledge hammer, or dragged behind a car. when pain is bad enough to make me cry, it's really, really bad.

i'm not exaggerating; i wish i were.

anyway, the original point of this post (removing myself from a situation that has been adding grief, pain, and frustration to my life) is that i have to take care of myself. i have too much going on to have someone treat me so poorly, and obviously neither of us should be in the other's life.


sadly, despite the remnants of affection i feel for this person, i'm out.

low light

so, blog title is a pearl jam song. i could link the lyrics, but i'm really just writing to do it and i'm too tired to make the effort. *sorry* just to sum up this week:

trapped in the house since last friday night due to stomach virus, then apocalyptic ice conditions.

due to said ice, i have needed (and can't do) the following:

- RETURN MY OVERDUE F-ING LIBRARY BOOKS
- bathe my disgustingly filthy child (poor thing)
- wear anything other than flannel or sweat/yoga pants. i feel like i should be at an indigo girls concert or a bikram)
- move out of a 100 feet radius
- buy supplies for my valentine's card
- buy stamps
- go to the doctor at the pain management clinic who is supposed to verify that pain isn't making me suicidal
- get my super cheap laser hair removal done (groupon deal)
- go to guitar class
- go to the chiropractor's
- get my dissertation proposal done
- get grayson's vaccine
- take out the trash (yeah, it's on the patio; classy)
- not risk my life everytime i take phoenix outside due to a potential slip and fall
- have a 5 minute break from my children

i need a vacation, a dose of eddie, something!!
i have been able to listen to a lot of music, though; very nice.

and my second injection is tomorrow; wish me luck and a pain-free IV.

that's all i can think of for now, but viva la YIELD!! happy 13th birthday to one of my favorite albums (i'm old, they're albums, not CDs).

2/3/98

"don't you think you ought to rest?
don't you think you ought to lay your head down?
don't you think you wanna sleep?
don't you think you ought to lay your head down tonight?
don't you think you've got enough?
don't you think you've got enough, well maybe?
don't you think it's time to stop?
there's time enough for you to lay your head down tonight."

back to you

wow, it's been a while since i've blogged. i've thought of topics to write about, but that's about as far as it got. a big part of my absence can be attributed to the fact that i've been in almost constant pain for the last two weeks (at least), and i felt semi-paralyzed for about three of those days. i figured i'd write about what's going on with regard to my back and all that...

i had an MRI done on january 13, and got a call from the nurse the next day that i needed to come in asap to get my results and my first "treatment", some kind of nerve block thing that entails me being semi-unconscious and my doctor injecting cortisone into my spine.

fun. fun. fun.

so, i went to the doctor on january 21; first opening, even though i was about to pull out my hair because of the pain from about january 17 till then. the MRI showed that not only do i have arthritis (knew that), i have stenosis (swelling of the spinal cord, gross), TWO bulging disks, pinched nerves in my neck, and a hairline fracture in my lowest vertebra. um, wtf?

i haven't really drunk (drank?) milk in a year or two (my memory is going to hell in a hand basket at this point), but i take calcium and vitamins every day. unless someone kicked me in the back (not that i'm aware of), or i fell on my ass (totally plausible) and don't remember (highly unlikely), i have no idea how that happened.

the doctor did say that being in two car accidents probably did enough damage to cause the arthritis, but the rest of it is just a deterioration of my body, pretty much.

okay, the procedure: this time cervical, and soon enough, lumbar. let me preface all of this by saying that i have a HIGH pain tolerance, and i'm not afraid of needles. hello, have you seen my tattoo? i can obviously deal. i also have had a bunch of piercings. however, i freaking HATE (what's up with all the caps today?) IVs. the first time i had to have one, i was 28, and already had a major phobia that i had worked up.

i've also had traumatic IV experiences almost every time. the first one was when i had appendicitis, and when the nurse put *that* IV in, i couldn't stop throwing up...and she didn't have a bucket, or a trashcan, or a pan, or anything. i had to throw up in one of those bags they give you for your belongings. i almost suffocated while throwing up. to this day, i can't eat fried rice. probably more info than you bargained for.

past that, after i had my appendix out, the IV malfunctioned, was in too long, or my veins were full because my entire arm and hand swelled up with fluid. dis-gusting. enter the masochistic nurse at 4 am, who came in to make sure i was alive and give me pain killers, saw the sausage that was my arm, and decided to rip the tape off against the hair growth (OUCH), then yanked it out.

no, i'm not exaggerating. at this point, i was sobbing. btw, i asked for pain killers before this little performance, and she told me i had to wait till after. why; was my arm going to fall off? no, and if it *was*, give me the drugs first!

one more IV story: i had one in my arm that was disconnected from the drip, but had to be left in my arm overnight "just in case" i bled to death while having the packing pulled out of my face. it itched *so* badly, i almost ripped it out myself.

wow, lots of personal medical info here. my poor body has been sufficiently altered since birth.

*back to 2011 and back injection*

so, nurse ratched comes in and tries to put an IV in the BACK OF MY HAND. why? i have a good 12 inches of arm she could stick it in. actually, 24 inches (two arms). she jabbed, and jabbed, and jabbed that needle while i looked the other way. yes, i was crying. wouldn't you?

the bitch even gave me a hard time about getting the IV because i have tattoos. in her mind, that means i should like pain? i'm not afraid of needles, but i don't want to see them entering my body. i have to lay down when i have blood taken or get a shot. hell, i even have to lay down when i get a tattoo, so i don't faint or throw up.

bitchy nurse finally gave up, and a nicer woman came over and put the IV in the crook of my arm where there are veins larger than a thread. they wheeled me in to the procedure room, and gave me "twilight". it's a type of anesthesia, but you're still conscious.

despite that, you feel super-drugged up, and it's a little amnesiac. before the injection, they stuck me in the back with something to numb the area; that hurt a bit. i didn't feel the injection at all, and it seemed to go by really quickly.

i spent the weekend drugged up (finally, pain killers that may not kill the pain, but at least knock me out) and immobile. i had to sleep in my living room chair for a few nights because every time my melon of a head is sideways, the flower stalk that is my neck felt like it was going to break.

the good news is that my mid-back (thoracic) is okay, because apparently that's the most difficult part to treat. anyway, three days later the stabbing pain is mostly gone, but my back still feels like someone stomped on it. it'll be a week or two before i feel the full effects.

and just think, in eleven days i get to do this all over again...