a lesson learned...from a kardashian?

so, i was in my doctor's office today, reading a trashy magazine (not the one i prefer because i already have a subscription to that), but one that tends to have more human interest stories, less gossip, recipes. booooring.




anyway, there was an article about kim kardashian and how, despite having a multi-million dollar empire (i have *no* idea how she managed that), she's *sob* still single at 30.

boo...hoo.

i hate to admit it, but in the snippet from the book that she and her vapid sisters are putting out (god help us all), i learned something about myself. and i quote, "i used to think maybe i didn't attract the right kind of people because i didn't look the way they wanted me to. i hadn't figured out yet that the real reason was because i was such a people-pleaser. i wasn't strong enough to be the person i really am, and to insist on being with people who appreciated me in that way."

i can relate.

now, i never thought that i attracted the wrong people because of my looks. i'm not really sure what i thought about the people that i attracted, but i do know that when i didn't feel all that great about myself, the losers tended to flock to me like buzzards to a rotting carcass.

don't i paint a beautiful mental image?

i'm definitely a people-pleaser, once again mainly because i needed approval and love growing up (who didn't?), but i felt like i had to achieve certain goals, be a certain kind of person, follow the examples of the person who i wanted to love me. i also needed *attention*, on a consistent basis, and to not feel like an adult at the age of 5.

and this bled into my outside world. it used to be that i would give up my own freedom, safety, comfort, pleasure, and self-respect in order to make someone else happy, or to give them what they needed. and most often, i got absolutely nothing in return.

no acknowledgement.
no praise.
not even a thank you.

in the last few months or so, i've realized that i deserve to get back what i put out into the world. i believe in karma, but i *don't* think that you get back what you give if you're in the wrong situation or with people who take advantage of you. you will be sucked dry and left a husk of your former self. karma may take care of that idiot, but you still have to nurse your wounds.

i am trying to stop my people-pleasing, and i have learned to say no, to establish boundaries (slowly), and to demand (in a polite way) that i be respected just as much as i respect the people around me. i will definitely do for others, go out of my way, and be helpful, but not to my own detriment or downfall.

i don't think that's too much to ask, and if you do, don't let the door hit you on the way out of my life.