it's not just me

i know that i've struggled this holiday season for a variety of reasons, but i've noticed that a lot of people in my life have been having a hard time. there have been deaths, break ups, accidents, anxiety about money, family issues; you name it, someone has been going through it lately.

i've also noticed that with the exception of one person, no one has new year's eve plans, at least none of my friends in dallas. and no one seems concerned about it, or even in the mood to celebrate.

have all the shitty experiences of the past few months come to represent this year, this decade? i keep seeing postings on facebook that say, "i'm soooo ready for this year to be over." maybe people aren't really celebrating because it's one more chance for an accident, or because they would like 2010 to go away quietly and without celebration.

i feel like i've changed so much this year. change is uncomfortable, difficult, and scary. i've never really been afraid of change because it's what i've known for as long as i can remember. consistency, monotony...those things are unsettling for me. i have felt extremely uncomfortable this year, or at the very least concerned that i was failing at what i set out to do. i'm more afraid of failing than of changing.

i can't say that i had a great year, and i can't believe it's the end of another decade, my fifth decade on the planet. i have no idea whether next year will be better, but i have to hope.

without hope, there is nothing.

caring is creepy

watching dexter is an illuminating experience for me, probably more so than other people. i'm pretty much convinced, fine completely convinced, that one of my ex-boyfriends is a psychopath. i was with him off and on for a long time, and i could never really understand the hold he had over me, or why i stayed until i had distance and clarity. i have a better understanding now.

for clarification, let's call my ex "A".

i know that A cheated on me relentlessly, lied pathologically, and when i was mad would say *exactly* what i wanted to hear to get me back. he even cried when needed. scarily, and sadly, i decided that he was a sociopath in 2001. we started dating in 1999, and i was with him until 2006. like i said, he had a hold over me.

in 2001, when i was working on my master's degree, i took a forensic psychology class, which i loved. one of the things that we discussed was the hare psychopathy test. when i took the class, there were 14 characteristics; the revised version now has 20.

here are the characteristics:

• glib and superficial charm
• grandiose (exaggeratedly high) estimation of self
• need for stimulation
• pathological lying
• cunning and manipulativeness
• lack of remorse or guilt
• shallow affect (superficial emotional responsiveness)
• callousness and lack of empathy
• parasitic lifestyle
• poor behavioral controls
• sexual promiscuity
• early behavior problems
• lack of realistic long-term goals
• impulsivity
• irresponsibility
• failure to accept responsibility for own actions
• many short-term marital relationships
• juvenile delinquency
• revocation of conditional release
• criminal versatility

now, A's never been married, so that one can be thrown out, and he has never been convicted of a crime as an adult, so he hasn't had a release revoked, but the rest of the traits? except for one, he pretty much has all of them.

*all* of them.

i'm not formulating my own diagnosis or trying to justify many bad decisions to stay in an admittedly bad relationship. i have a BA and MA in psychology, i worked as a group counselor and intake specialist in a psych hospital (oh, the irony), and did intensive in-home counseling for several home preservation programs. i'm not an idiot.

i started watching dexter because i heard from several people that it was a good show, and i've run out of things to watch. it's surprising that i didn't watch it sooner, because i love true crime tv shows, books, and movies. now that i've watched a few seasons, it's become more personal than i ever thought it would.

watching dexter's behaviors, many of which he narrates, has shed more light on A's way of thinking. it's also made me rethink things that he told me, like i "had more influence on him than anyone else." i believed him then, and i still do, but i don't think that i influenced him in a good way. i think he used me like he used everything else.

i was an example of how to be an emotional person, and how to be (and treat) someone in a committed relationship. not so much anymore, but when A and i were dating, i was an *extremely* emotional person. i also expressed what i wanted, liked, didn't like, thought was mean or unacceptable, and ridiculous. and i forgave him. a lot.

he has mutated over the years, and when i say "mutated" with all of the negative connotations that come to mind, that's what i mean. i think he has mutated based on what he thinks he's *supposed* to be, what clues he gathers from his environment, and what the people around him express that they want and need.

when i met A, he was 23, made a lot of money for doing not a lot of work, and had recently moved to dallas, which if you didn't know has some of the most plastic, sluttiest, looking-for-sugar-daddies girls in the world. easy pickings.

A spent a lot of money, slept around *a lot*, got a flashy car, stated that he'd never get married or even live with a girl, and didn't form one real or solid connection with anyone in the five years he lived here. he actually convinced his two best childhood friends to move down here. problem solved.

and like a sponge, i could feel A sucking my energy. he wouldn't talk unless it was something he was interested in (none of which i was interested in, but feigned), or i asked him endless questions about himself or things he liked: cars, sports. that's about it. i almost had to force conversations.

if you know me, zzzzzzzzzz. i really don't give a shit about cars and the endless specs about them. and i like sports, but how long can you discuss soccer moves? and i know *nothing* about volleyball, don't want to, never will. oh wait, there's sand, right? sometimes...

A thought it was weird that i liked to read, and couldn't understand why i wanted to further my education. he didn't want to get know himself, or his motivations, better. feelings; what are those? he treated me like i was a martian if i showed anything outside of a blank stare or happiness. he even went so far as to blame others for his despicable actions, like cheating.

he actually told me that he "didn't want to sleep with those girls." they "made" him do it. at the time, i almost threw something at him (or threw up), but now i think he may have been telling the truth, as much as was possible. A thought that these girls expected him to sleep with them. why was he in a physical location where it was possible to sleep with a bunch of other girls in the first place? another story altogether. A can't read emotion or body language, but he's a master at giving someone what they want, so even if he "didn't want" to sleep with them, he thought that he was doing what was "normal".

as he got older, he changed his viewpoints on a lot of things related to relationships. he relented on the co-habitation thing, then he decided he was up for marriage. i was the lucky recipient of the first, and in discussions for the second. he was militantly against having kids throughout all of this, however.

so, i talked to A at length a little over a year ago. it was like talking to a completely different person than the one i had known for over 10 years. he wants kids, he wants to get married asap, he wants to settle down, he just wants to find someone that he can have a deep and meaningful relationship with because everyone where he lives is shallow and vapid and no one understands him. *sob*

um, hello? who the hell are you?

i look at his facebook profile every now and then, too, and because of the privacy settings, i can't see much, which is fine by me. the one thing i can see is his favorite quotes, which really irritated me at first, now i just see it as spooky.

FIRST OF ALL, two of them are from 'into the wild'; he also had society (an eddie vedder song from the movie) as his myspace song for quite a while. if you've seen 'into the wild', my ex is *everything* that christopher mccandless was not.

he also has a quote from 'sex and the city', a quote that i TOLD him was my viewpoint about love, which he thought was ridiculous, along with other choice tidbits that are obviously geared toward creating an introspective, loving, boyfriend-type person.

oh.my.god.

i know that none of that is directed at me, but at future victims.

there are soooo many other things he has done over the years that are indicative of psychopathic tendencies, but i think the change over the years (and not the normal maturation of a man) is the worst. i feel violated, like my heart and mind were raped and photocopied, and the information was stored in A's brain to be integrated into his daily life.

here's one more example: he couldn't *stand* pearl jam when we were dating. the first time i got to shake eddie's hand, he picked a massive fight when i told him and pretty much ruined the whole experience. every time A and i broke up, i was the one to do it...all 877 times. i'd get fed up because he was an asshole, end it, and then call him a day, a week, or a month later.

i thought i had finally gotten away from him when i started dating *another* ex (i told you i recycled boyfriends). btw, this is the ex whose marriage i inadvertently ended, and this round of dating is when it happened. quite the tangled web, please try to keep up. make sure your fingers and toes are in, and place all of your carry ons under your seat.

i was dating another guy, and hadn't talked to A in six months, a RECORD!!

and then A called me, saying that he loooooved me, he wanted me back, blah blah blah. all the things he thought i'd fall for. and i told him that i was with someone else, i loved him, i was done. all that was well and good until the other guy and i broke up, and i somehow ended up talking to A, who was living about 1500 miles away at the time. he drove straight to dallas the next day, and a few days later, we were looking for something in his car and i found the entire pearl jam catalog.

what.the.hell.

when i asked him about it, he said he was listening to the CDs because he wanted to understand what mattered to me better, and he wanted to give them a chance because he knew how important the band was to me. he was trying to get closer to me. at that point, i believed him. i thought it was sweet and thoughtful, and quite the effort. now i see that he was trying another tactic to appear normal, or what he thought i expected normal to be.

when he and i lived together, it was in northern california, around the time of laci peterson's murder. one day, i realized that if i got pregnant, there was a chance that i could end up like her. i don't know if A would ever be capable of murder (never say never), but i felt that there was a very real possibility that he would get rid of a money-sucking, fun-ending child to which he bore financial responsibility for 18 years.

that's when i got out.

yes, it's been a while

i haven't written in almost a week. some of that can be attributed to the holidays, some to issues i had and was trying to work out *prior* to the holidays, and some because i've really been in my own head. although i've seen, hung out with, and talked to a lot of friends and family the last week or so, i've been very introspective and pensive.

i also have had very little time to myself, relatively speaking, and when i have had that time, i've been busy in my little head. i haven't been good about answering emails, either, for which i apologize. all this being said, i hope to write on a daily basis again in the next day or two.

i need to first get to a place where i'm not constantly digging around in my head, figuring out how i can do things better, what i want to focus on, and what i need to let go of. i've experienced a lot of emotions and situations lately that are testing my new "skills", as well as my value in (and of) myself.

i've been pretty positive, overall, despite feeling some very dark, negative emotions at times. all i can say is that i'm doing my best to do better. i need to take time right now to take care of myself.

i hope everyone had a merry christmas.

the goodness in the world

yes, i'll admit it, i have the tv viewing habits of a 14 year old girl, as well as the listening preferences (sometimes) of that same girl...and at times, i eat like a teenage boy whose parents have gone out for the evening.

in this vein, i posted a link to the new taylor swift album on facebook. yes, the *album*. fine, i already have the cd, but i wanted bright, shiny, black, teenage-worthy vinyl. today, as i'm watching celebrity rehab (this post is painting me in an increasingly disturbing light), someone knocked on the door.

to be fair, i've been having serious back issues recently, and after two chiropractic visits this week, and staying up late to watch dexter every night for the last week, i decided to take it easy this afternoon.

back to the knock...

it was a UPS guy with a package (remove your mind from the gutter) that could only *be* an album, and it was from tennessee, not seattle, and therefore not pearl jam. hmmm...so i opened it. the taylor swift album that i told the world of FB that i wanted!!!!

there was no name on anywhere, only an email and a phone number that i don't recognize...an email address with the incriminating initials "pj", prefaced by a shortened version of "love to rock to".

i posted a few things on FB, trying to find the person, used my detective skills, and asked someone else in the pj community. he finally (quietly) came forward.

thank you so much, dan, for one of the most thoughtful things anyone has ever done for me.

merry christmas.

a good thing out of a bad one

the past few days have been pretty emotional and difficult for me as i try to figure out what is best for me in certain situations and have my actions not be interpreted as hurtful or offensive to anyone else.

in general, i'm trying to create new, healthier patterns and discard the old. needless to say, this is an extremely difficult process - to get rid of 30+ years of what you know and what you've been taught - and learn how to exist in the world as an entirely different kind of being? good luck.

in addition to rebuilding myself, i'm trying to repair relationships, and i feel compelled to prove myself to certain people in my life. part of me thinks this is ridiculous because i can't worry constantly about what others think of me. i'm an adult, i'm a good person, i do the best that i can, i try to learn from my mistakes and not repeat them.

if you don't see that, it's your loss, and you're not really seeing me. however, in order for repairs to be made, the other people in this equation feel that i need to *demonstrate* that i'm different. i haven't been rude, disrespectful, mean, vindictive in this situation in years, but you want *proof*? would you like me to pull a rabbit out of my hat while i'm at it?

i can't control anyone other than myself. i need to be happy and satisfied with who i am, above everything else. that is by no means a selfish statement, but if you don't love and respect yourself, who will ever be able to love and respect you? i'm the only person who is stuck with me, and guaranteed to be here, the rest of my life, so i sure as hell better like me because there is nothing wrong than being stuck with someone you can't stand for a lifetime.

how can i prove that i'm different? i *know* i am. if you're judging me (first of all, why are you even judging me? don't you have other things you could be doing?) on my personality, behaviors, and mistakes of 15 years ago, you may as well talk to a complete stranger, because you will know that person as well as you know me.

people are going to think what they want, regardless of what i put out into the universe. once again, i can't control anyone else. my actions and behaviors may be entirely misinterpreted for a variety of reason. so, what do i do; bite the bullet, suck it up, be a "bigger" person and try to change their minds; even though it's *their* decision, not mine, because i have no control?

i have no problem admitting that i'm wrong or apologizing, but no one in this situation seems to think that i deserve an apology anywhere in here. none of the involved parties seems to care that i've been hurt, discarded, and disrespected for almost 30 years. i have somehow become the villain in all of this, and bare the brunt of punishment that no one else has to endure.

i feel like i'm supposed to take the blame, and i have been used as a scapegoat, for many, many situations with this relationship and dynamic. it's easy for them to do.

i'm the outsider.

i don't belong.

however, despite all this, and despite having a really rough 24 hours of almost non-stop crying, sadness, and confusion, i took another step toward changing my former patterns...well, a couple of steps. i talked to my sister, i asked for help, i listened to her advice, and i was able to take a step back and think rationally and logically about this situation, and apologize for my emotional reaction.

after all of that, and the incessant thinking, wondering, and worrying that i was taking on from others, i was tired, emotionally exhausted, and didn't want to be social. i didn't want to deal with anyone, but my oldest and dearest friend invited me to spend the afternoon/evening with her and her mom. so i went.

it was absolutely the best thing i could have done. i've known this friend and her mom since i was 6, and they are family to me, as i am to them. we baked all kinds of cookies and treats, had dinner, and some wine, and just *breathed*.

no stress, no worries, just simple, joyful, exquisite perfection. i talked to them about what i've been struggling with, and their answer was clear, brave, and reassuring. i felt supported and that i have someone in my corner who really cares about what happens to me, and not what they're going to get out of it, or how they'll be affected. that, sadly, is a rarity.

i also felt loved and accepted for who i am. these people have known me since i was 6, and they don't seem to think that i'm some selfish, controlling, demon seed...because i'm really not, but when you hear that often enough from people you "expect" to love you, you start to believe it.

my friend and her mom have known me for 30+ years, and invite me into their home to stay "as long as i want" anytime i go over there, they had me over for thanksgiving, offered to have me for christmas, and love me for who i am.

i'm proud that i was able to do something to help myself instead of getting sucked into the vortex of negativity and shame that people want to box me in. i'm not trying to be a martyr, that is my perception of my reality.

i'm so immensely grateful for the friends who are my family who pick me up when i feel that i can only fall. i relish the moments when my faith in humanity, love, and beauty are restored.

thank you.

thank you, jen

i *was* going to post about my day, but no.

i just talked to my sister jen who gave me some very useful and wonderful advice, so in an effort to make progress despite my missteps today, i'm going to focus on this...

oh, the pain

too tired (and feeling like shit) to write, so video blog. oh, and a pic i took of grayson last night while he was watching dexter (extreme close up):

info from OK magazine

this isn't new info, or something that i haven't heard of, or thought of, before. i read this article in OK magazine (free subscription, and moving on...) about cheating and facebook, and these two "experts" were debating whether technology, particularly FB, facilitates infidelity.



there's even a website where you can share your sad, angry, or otherwise angst-ridden FB cheating stories.

while the two experts (what self-respecting expert contributes to OK magazine, anyway?) were supposed to have opposing views, they were essentially the same, they just stressed different points.

anyway, does FB make people cheat?
no.

does it make cheating easier?
absolutely.

you can find people from the past, old boyfriends/girlfriends. you can find people who have similar interests or mutual friends, and you have access to thousands, if not millions, of people that you never would have had access to before.

and you can attempt to convince yourself that it's not "cheating" because you haven't touched the other person. but cheating isn't just about sleeping with someone. you can have an emotional affair that is just as intimate (and hurtful to your partner) as sex.

i feel like this is common knowledge, and i don't know why they debated it or why i'm posting about it, but i took the time to read the entire (half) page. maybe some people don't think online relationships fall into the category of cheating.

with texting, email, social networks, and online dating sites, it's *so* ridiculously easy to interact with other people behind your significant other's back, even when they're in the same room. and you can't check your boyfriend's phone to see who and what he's texting. i mean, you can, but you obviously don't trust him.

yay. another thing to make me hesitant about being in a relationship.

milestone #2

wow, i'm just chipping away at the accomplishment list lately, with *entirely* too much help from reality tv. *super* pathetic. i need to stop watching so much tv and read; although i have been feeling like my brain is de-oatmealing lately...and i just blew that idea out of the water with my ridiculous made up word/phrase.

this milestone has nothing to do with *doing* anything, really, more like not doing something.
*drum roll, please!*

i've lost about 10 pounds since i switched meds!! almost all of my pants fit again. what a freaking relief, because i *cannot* afford to buy clothes.

so, i no longer feel like this:














granted, i did eat about two pounds of pumpkin bread in less than a week, but that was pretty much all i ate, except for some fruit and a sandwich here and there. i don't know if anyone else can tell, but i can, and that's really what matters to me (no one else sees me naked, other than my kids). i had to move down three notches on my belt and now i'm back to the tightest one.

i don't really think about food, either, except when i go in my kitchen or randomly notice that my bananas are going bad. anyway, thank you wellbutrin xl for putting my "eat" instinct into neutral for the time being.

let's see how long this lasts...

reality TV lesson #3

there's something that i just realized in watching "celebrity rehab": i'm much stronger than i usually give myself credit for.

i think of myself as being an independent person, but not necessarily an *emotionally* independent person, because i've always needed and relied on the emotional support or approval of someone else.

i've learned in the last few years that i *can* rely on myself. in fact, sometimes it's the only option. i have finally realized that if i experience something (good or bad), i don't have to share it with someone else for it to seem real to me. i used to feel like that: that my reality didn't matter unless someone else knew about it, too.

i don't think about my positive traits as much, or as often, as my negative ones, but after watching this show, i see that there are so, so many people who are in pain...who are tortured by their past, their shortcomings, their childhoods...and many of these people refuse to deal with it, or self medicate, or shove it down, and then sprinkle it over their kids like toxic fairy dust.

despite fear and anxiety and depression, i have rarely, if ever, been afraid to deal with my issues. i have pushed them to the back of my mind until i was in a better place to handle them without completely falling apart. i have waited to pursue a long line of internal query until i had adequate skills with which to recover, but i don't hide.

i think part of the reason i didn't drink or use drugs as a means of escape was because i knew that there was a lot under the surface, in my psyche, and to go there while i was in an altered state would have been much more damaging than the little gerbils spinning their wheels in my brain could ever be. or maybe i just never had it in me to feel out of control and exposed.

i don't even think i'm really afraid of working through, and unloading, my baggage. i *want* to get better, and i want to be as emotionally healthy as possible. i'm not afraid...of hard work or of unearthing negative, scary, or difficult information.

the truth always comes out (and i don't use the word "always" lightly). if you're burying your past, you're lying in a way, and that pain will eventually carry over into every part of your life, like an echoing scream.

i'm not afraid of work, but i am afraid of appearing weak. my downfall was my inability to admit that i needed help. i know that i'm a strong person, but sometimes there isn't enough strength to fix it by yourself.

lots of problems are more complex than any tool we've been given.

well, that helped/sucked

so, one of my awesome friends asked me to be in a music video with some of our other friends about a month ago, and the artist/singer of the song was in town last night. we went to dinner with him, and then to his show at the loft. his name is eric himan, and he's really talented, very charismatic, and funny. we had a really good time. why does this paragraph seem so stilted and completely lacking in creativity?

moving on...

oh, here is the video:



so, i found out when we got to the venue that he's gay. don't care, no big deal, more power to you, but that means that 99.9% of the crowd was gay, too...because the headliner was yet another gay boy.

oi, vay!

and oh how i love a boy with a guitar. that may be one of my biggest weaknesses.

now, i know that i said i was avoiding boys/relationships until july, but come on! i just sat there thinking (and saying to luis), "i'm never going to find a guy!" i've never been one to try and recruit a boy to switch teams or anything, but there are a lot *lot* of cute gay boys in dallas, and some that i never would've thought were gay, which totally threw me (and my gay-dar) off.

the headlining singer was really mellow, depressing, and gloomy. sure, he's talented, and normally i can take depressing songs with the best of them (i prefer them), and i come by it genetically, but i've been in a good/great mood, and i just wasn't feeling it.

what was i feeling you ask?

i was feeling like a fifth grader who was tweaking on sugar, caffeine, and vodka. i didn't have any sugar or caffeine, and very little vodka (p.s. don't let kids eat too much candy, caffeine, or vodka), but i was uber-giddy and silly. sooooo luis and i became the annoying people that everyone in the bar is hoping will leave or shut the hell up.

we did not leave.

it was as quiet as a freaking church in there, other than the singing. and every song was about death, or hating life, or being alone, or hanging yourself (i think), or moving to europe. ugh.

the place also has hardwood floors, and people were tiptoeing around so they wouldn't make any noise. meanwhile, i was making inappropriate, obnoxious comments to luis, apologizing to the people who heard me, spying on the guy in front of us who was texting some dude, and reporting said texts back to luis. we were giggling like school girls.

it was awesome, but i did get some dirty looks, and "why are you here, straight girl?" glances.

oh, well. we had a blast.

next:

all these hollywood break ups this week, and the cheating scandals in the media have made me even more skeptical and cynical about marriage. i don't know how anyone can expect their relationship to last the rest of their lives. it's sad, but i think for the most part if you get married in your 20s, you're going to get divorced. and if you ever get married at all, there's a high percentage that you or your significant other will cheat.

what the hell is wrong with people?

next:
is oprah a bad interviewer, stupid, or gearing her interviews *for* stupid people? she asks the same redundant questions, rephrases the interviewee's answers, and ends up sounding like a repetitive dumb ass. plus, she interrupts, cuts people off, and is kind of annoying.

OMG, this sucks

first, i've been feeling really good the past few days. last thursday was hellllllllllll. luckily, i have people who are willing to deal with the petulant, permanent monkey on my back. i wouldn't behave so badly, but depression? that bitch has a whole set of issues she'd like to keep stapled to my soul, and will drag everyone down with her.

i had a lot of fun after my meltdown, saw good friends, baked, went to the movies, and felt hopeful, and not so chicken little-ish. i fought my negative instincts to hibernate, and forced myself to do what was good for me. ah, monkey bitch slap!

okay, so the suckage...i know i said (just last week!) that i was going to be boy-less for another, oh, seven months (buddha help me), but i really don't know how that's going to be possible. i mean, i can keep from being in situations where there are guys to be met, that's pretty easy for me as i socialize with my friends at my home, their home, restaurants, or...that's pretty much it.

i don't have any ex-boyfriends that live in the area that i can call when i'm bored. i only have one that lives in dallas, but the rest are out of state. wait, one in el paso, but that's a ten hour drive, so no easy access. i think my "love addiction", if you want to call it that is going to prevent me from being alone. i don't think i necessarily have a lot of those characteristics anymore, but i *need* male attention. i think every woman does. well, heterosexual women, not sure about the rest.

i mean, to have minimal contact with half the species is pretty isolating and depressing in itself, and who wants that torture? right now, my male attention isn't even human, and while i dearly love grayson and phoenix, someone with two legs and a vocabulary i can understand would be nice.

i think a big part of this void is that i'm used to having a guy to at least talk to, flirt with, and now i don't, hence "OMG, this sucks". while i tell myself that i can be productive, not have any distractions, focus on school without a boy around, i need a freaking distraction before i get addicted to reality tv. i'm trying to refrain from calling the one ex i *could* talk to, because that situation plays into my black/white, all/nothing routine i've had since birth. no thanks.

i would like to make healthy relationship choices, but it takes two.
are there even any healthy guys out there?

*crickets*

and some days get even better (and yes, we're back to pearl jam, people)

i woke up today in a not-so-great mood, tried to be positive, tried to think of ways to get out of the house, be productive, do something (anything) to feel good, or at least not awful. oh, and avoid taking a four hour long nap.

i ending up spending the day doing some much-needed work (grading), so i feel productive, and i hung out with a sweet new friend who made me dinner, a cool gift, and pampered me like a princess.

i then went and hung out with *another* beautiful, talented, fantastic friend, who gave me *another* sweet gift, and we made gingerbread men (first time for me). now, don't get me wrong, my gratitude about receiving these gifts doesn't come from materialism or greed.

they were handmade, thoughtful, exquisitely unique, and representative of what generous, kind, loving people these two women are. the fact that they went out of their way and took the time to grant me with these acts of kindness is priceless, and feeds my soul.

i also got a very sweet text from my hawaiian baby girl who received the gift i sent her, in hopes that it will bring some joy and relief to what has been a very hectic and difficult time for her.

to add to that, i came home and had FOUR more cards (and a bracelet) from my pearl jam jamily, and my secret santa recipient (who's had a hellacious week) received her package today, and was so excited and happy that my heart nearly burst.

i've been dying to send it to her, and she finally got it today. she has held my hand and talked me off the ledge multiple times in the past few weeks, and i love her dearly.

it seems that a lot of people struggled this week, and are having a difficult time this holiday season (me included). the card exchange that was organized by some very smart, dedicated friends/fans was the best idea i've seen in a long time, and by far, one of the most loving things i've been a part of. i am blessed and honored to have these lovely individuals in my life.
i love you all so much.

i may be "much more than pearl jam", but i would be *nothing* without them and what this band has brought into my life.

some days are better than others...

...and some days are worse. this has been a particularly bad day, for reasons that i can't quite figure out. i know that this is a tricky time of year for me, and that that
'bad" anniversary is coming up in two days, but i don't know if that explains why i cried for over an hour today, have no interest in going anywhere for christmas, and have forced every move i've made since i got out of bed.

i got three very sweet, beautiful, amazingly original cards from my pearl jam peeps today, and even that made me cry...in a good way, but also because i feel like they're the only family i have a lot of the time, and my own family doesn't have time for me.

i don't know, i feel like i need a break from reality, from this illness. it seems like it's holding me hostage, and doesn't *want* me to get better, doesn't want me to call my friends, or ask for help, or do positive things to get out of this rut. i feel like i'm being held captive by something that's trying to drag me down and kill me.

it's unrelenting and brutal. i feel like i'm battling with myself, or a part of me that wants me to die. i don't know that my will to live is strong enough to beat it back.

i've had so many friends tell me that they're here for me if i need anything or want to talk, but what do i say? i'm lonely, scared, sad, afraid that i'll never get past this? no one wants to *hear* that, and no one knows what to *say* to that. and i'm tired of being a burden.

so i say nothing...

"...and laugh at gilded butterflies..."

i really hadn't planned on writing today. i mean, i want to maintain the consistency of it, but i've been really pensive and recuperating. i'm emotionally drained and frustrated with the reality and inconvenience of being in unrelenting pain from the simplest of tasks.

just sitting up all day yesterday, with some standing and walking here and there, caused me to get no sleep last night because i felt like my body was full of broken glass, my head, neck, and shoulders were torn up, and i was completely miserable.

after seeing to my therapist yesterday, i spent some time thinking about what i've accomplished in the last 10 or 11 months. a significant anniversary (dubious, not happy) is coming up this weekend. i'm not going to discuss that now, but i will in the next few days because it's very revealing and difficult for me, and is what *forced* me to ask for help. without that request, i would, quite literally, have been dead by now.

anyway, i've been spending this year trying to work through a lot of my issues and unburden myself of past drama and trauma. hey, that rhymed.

it's been a very trying and difficult year in many ways, lots of changes, lots of trying new habits, lots of discarding old habits, lots of digging into my psyche, lots of letting go, but also lots of grabbing on to things that are good, valid, and healthy.

i've made a lot of progress, and according to my therapist, i've really put her to work, which is what i told her i would do. when i met her in january, i vowed that i was ready to get my shit together. i wanted her to be unrelenting, and to push me as much as was needed to help me get to where i want, and need, to be.

because i can't go back to where i was before.

she said that i was very determined, and that i stood up for myself and for my treatment. i demanded to be helped, a major accomplishment for me. i'm not one to ask for help. in the past, asking for, and receiving, help had a price: a taunting, unrelenting, vicious slap in the face as its repercussion.

in order to continue my progress in hopes of never looking back, i think i need to spend the next seven months focusing on myself and what i need to do, and not focus on what others want me to do. most of my problems have centered around my relationships (mostly with men), and how i learned to behave and react in the world.

i have had this ingrained goal (no, a destructive obsession), to please everyone else, regardless of whether it was the best thing for me, or even what i wanted. this needs to stop, and it very rapidly is grinding to a halt.

what i learned growing up, and in my primary relationship, needs to continue to be phased out, because it colors and controls every action i've made. i take full responsibility for what i've done, but it's now up to me to learn how to be *my own* person, not a puppet, not the vicarious reason for someone else's existence. this may not make any sense to you, but it does to me.

i haven't really been involved with a guy since july, and i think spending the next seven months (a year in total) on me, school, studying for exams, and figuring out who i am now and what i want is the best thing. a year of drama-free, boy-less non-action is what i need. a year to phase out the frenemies and emotional vampires that will suck me dry, if i let them.

i know that i've improved my communication skills, have strengthened my boundaries while knocking down my walls, and have made huge strides in my relationship with my dad, probably the most important one in my life at this point.

i want to make him proud, and myself, too. i want to find the path to being the strong, independent, focused, loving person that i think someone tried to guide me to all those years ago.

that path was lost somewhere along the way. i want to believe in myself, to live with joy and self-respect, in a world full of promise, rather than regret.

i hope i can find the way...

a video blog for today, pretty much just pearl jam

here's my first attempt at doing a video blog. it's short, sweet, and to the point, but it sums up my day in the best way possible...without a big broadway number, show tunes, or fireworks.

video blog - please watch

i tried to post this directly to my page, without the link, but i'm having technical difficulties, and i'm way too tired to deal with them anymore. xoxo


my amazing gifts from my secret santa

















my mantle with all my sweet, beautiful christmas cards

















and the back of my shirt (from santa).
the front says "can't find a better band" : ) *LOVE*
hopefully the girls will fit.













i love you guys!

my (wacky) theory about food/eating

you know how they say that addicts are always trying to experience that initial high every time they use; and they keep using in the hopes of getting that feeling back?

i'm not quite sure why i'm on an addict roll this weekend, but i have a similar theory about food that i've been rolling around in my head. i think it applies to me, but i'm a bit off, so it may not translate to others, but it's food for thought.

ba-doom-cha!
thank you, i'll be here all week. please tip your waiters!

anyway, i noticed that when i eat something, the first few bites are really the only, truly satisfying ones. after three or four, it just tastes like...what you've been eating for the past two minutes. blah. your taste buds are no longer excited, entranced, stimulated. you're just swilling around some foreign substance in your mouth in order to get it *out* of your mouth, and on to the next phase of digestion.

not a very pretty picture of eating (and i can paint 'em), but it's true. the initial (we'll call it 'high') of eating has been accomplished and is over. your taste buds have been adequately stimulated, and they're done. i think that people (fine, i) continue to eat because i'm hoping (subconsciously) that i will taste that first exquisite morsel again, and be overcome with glorious flavor...a mouth high, if you will...

i've decided that that's the only real reason i keep eating, because in actuality, it stops being good after the first few bites. "experts" say that you can eat whatever you want, as long as it's in moderation. they also suggest that you don't watch tv, read, or be otherwise distracted when you eat because you're not paying attention to, or listening to, your body. if you did pay attention to what you're eating, what it tastes like, and what you're really doing, i think you'd put the fork down a lot sooner...when the food becomes boring and ordinary.

kind of like a boyfriend you should break up with...

*another* lesson learned from reality tv...uh oh

so...i was watching "celebrity rehab with dr. drew" because who doesn't love a good train wreck? i started watching it last season (i think) because i had a family member in rehab, and although it's a reality show (yes, i know it's not really real), i wanted to see if i could learn anything about addiction. it can't hurt, correct?

first of all, i'd be hard-pressed to even designate some of these goofballs as "celebrities", i mean keyshia cole's mother? who the hell is keyshia cole? i *think* she's a singer, but how does that make her mom a "celebrity"?

another one of the so-called famous people on the show this season is rachel uchitel, who is labeled (very appropriately) "tabloid celebrity". now this dumb bitch (i'm sorry, but she is) is best known for being tiger woods' mistress.

oh, and she had an affair with david boreanaz, too (also married). both of these circumstances have been covered to *death* by the tabloids. yeah rachel, your fiance died in 9/11, it was a tragedy, it happened nine years ago, blah, blah, blah, get therapy, get medication, get some help, get something, but stop screwing all these married guys.

unfortunately, i actually learned something about myself in watching dr. drew talk to her. i must now go hang my head in shame...

and, we're back...while rachel's addicted to benzos and drinks on a daily basis, she is also supposedly a "love addict". now, i'm not an addict of anything, particularly love, but dr. drew had some valid points about how this woman conducts herself with men.

a little back story about rachel: she said that she doesn't date, she never has, she doesn't like it. she immediately gets into relationships, and gets close to a guy quickly, not necessarily sexually, but emotionally, and that her relationships are intense from the get-go. she also said that the guys she usually dates are cheaters (duh, it's called "married").

this is sounding all too familiar.
uh oh.
i have the same relationship style as this tabloid queen who can't seem to find a decent guy, let alone have a sane relationship.

fantastic.

i've already discussed my views on cheating, no judgment, but i'm screwed.

now, a little back story about me: i don't date, i never have, i hate it. when i get into a relationship, it's on, right away: emotionally intense, all-encompassing, and at times, destructive. sound familiar?

there have also been a few cheaters in there. oh, and a married guy.

if i hadn't had some sort of boundaries, there would have been more than one married guy, so i've got that going for me.
woo. hoo.

dr. drew's diagnosis of rachel's love addiction was based on what she gets, and needs, from a romantic relationship: intensity, excitement, the fulfillment of some missing emotional element, the dynamics of co-dependency. she gets into relationships that are detrimental to her well-being, and despite the fact that she knows it's a bad idea, she plunges in regardless.

and she made a valid point, to which dr. drew agreed; she's not in this alone. each time she's dancing off the edge of a cliff, it's with some dumb ass guy who craves this type of fucked up relationship just as much as she does.

dr. drew's advice to rachel was that she needs to have a "boring" relationship, one without drama and immediate intensity. she needs to learn how to be close to someone, in an appropriate manner, of course.

hello, dr. drew, where have you been for the last fifteen years of my life?!? and are you accepting new clients, possibly long distance?

as we've already established, i grew up in a drama-filled environment, and until my mid-20s, created drama when it was absent because it was the only way i knew how to feel comfortable. the quiet made me anxious, not content. i was always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

i also grew up in an atmosphere of emotional intensity, and i guess i thought that if someone wasn't consumed by me right away and didn't want to be with me constantly, he didn't really love me. i craved that all-consuming desire to be as close to someone else as i could be, to be understood, and to have someone there for me *unconditionally*. i never really had that, either.

while i have made some very, very poor decisions when it comes to men, i didn't *think* i was a love addict. i'm okay with being alone and not having a boyfriend. hello, welcome to the last five years of my life, but this little lesson in the non-real world of reality tv hit pretty close to home.

i never *thought* i was a love addict...maybe i was wrong.

just one day...

i would like to have one day where i'm not in some kind of physical, mental, or emotional pain. i ran this morning because i'm *supposed* to be exercising. it's good for depression, and i'm trying to get rid of the weight that my last medication caused me to gain.

due to a horrible experience a few weeks ago, i've been eating before i run, *every* time. but for some reason, i once again have a horrible stomach ache, one that nothing takes away.

i'm dizzy, nauseous, my mouth tastes like metal, and i just want to go to bed. i don't know if it's because i ran too far, or because i'm also in the throes of a fun female ritual, but i've been miserable all day.

if it's not medication that's making me ill, it's the sciatica in my left side, or a migraine, or some other ailment. i'm not that old, and i really don't think i'm asking for much: just one day without needing some kind of medication, other than the 25 already prescribed to me. i feel like i'm falling apart, and i'm doing everything i can to prevent it.

this is so frustrating, especially since what is making me sick (exercise, medicine), is what is supposed to be making me better...

seven deadly sins

i probably committed a few today. i can usually remember about six, but forget one.

let's see:
greed, sloth, gluttony, envy, wrath, vanity (something like that), and i can't remember the last one. to the internet i go (how did we know anything before the internet): ah, pride, not vanity, and the seventh is lust. so sad that i forgot that one. : (

anyway, today i basically did nothing, so sloth? check.
i watched "true blood" most of the day, so glutton? check.
and if you've seen "true blood", you know that i can add lust to my checklist.
i did get angry, and put grayson in his room, so wrath? check.
i haven't even gotten dressed today, except to put on a bra, and brush my teeth and hair, so i don't think i qualify for the other three.

wow, that's a lot of sinning for not even leaving the house except to check the mail. good thing i'm not a christian.

this is the first time in a really, really long time that it felt okay for me to just lay around and relax and not think that it was a sign of depression, or that i should feel guilty for taking some time for myself. i had coffee, watched tv, watched true blood, took a nap, and woke up thinking, i should get up, i have somewhere to go, something is due.

but, nope. nothing was urgent today. i'll do it tomorrow...

btw, this stupid blog wouldn't let me upload a picture for some reason. boo.