getting better

the lovely and talented bob schneider...

so, yeah...yesterday kinda sucked, but i got over it pretty fast. i had to work last night, and i was dreading it, but once i got there, i focused and was distracted enough to let go of the anger and hurt i felt.

in the last few weeks, i've been trying to access community resources, which i've never had to do in my life. i called an organization that's affiliated with the church that my best friend in high school went to for years. i left them a message, they called me within two hours, and this afternoon a guy came over, took some information, pulled out a credit card and paid my electric bill.

awesome.

they're also going to help with my july rent, and this gentleman has a few other organizations that he's going to talk to on behalf. i've seriously never been so grateful for christians in my life. it's sad, but in my experience i have rarely seen the "loving, giving, accepting of everyone" christians.

i've mostly had the "shove it down your throat, if you don't do what i do you'll burn in hell, you don't go to church? you must have no soul" kind of experience. this fosters my distrust and dislike of organized religions.

thank buddha for buddhism because i can sit at home, or anywhere for that matter, and my surroundings become my own temple.

i still have things i have to worry about, but today went a long way to reassuring my weary soul.

p.s. this post is from june 21, 2011. sorry it's a *little* late in being posted.

a praise chorus

i don't normally listen to jimmy eat world, but thank you ipod, for something that resonated with me today.

for whatever reason, i'm not going to question it, i'm feeling really good today. good...what a trite, overused word. i teach SAT prep classes, i should have a more extensive vocabulary. i feel wonderful, spectacular, peaceful, giddy...okay, enough adjectives.

i still have all the same problems that i had yesterday, but i've made several proactive moves in an attempt to alleviate my situation, which is reassuring, even though nothing has changed. at least i feel like i have some semblance of power in a powerless situation, and i asked for help, which isn't easy for me. i figure since i'm feeling delightful today, i'd relish it and embrace the practice of mindfulness.

too much of my life has been spent on worrying about past mistakes, or wondering what the future will bring, instead of just living wisely and presently in the moment. i've gotten much better at this, to the chagrin of some of my friends, because it's almost impossible for me to plan anything that happens more than a week in the future.

i've shut off my brain's ability to think past the next few days (even when it comes to school and goals), so the accusations and insinuations about my "expectations" that other people have foisted upon me couldn't be further from the truth. i'm doing my best to experience the day i'm in. it may be bad or good, but for every bay day, i try to learn something, and for every good day, i am grateful for what i have been given.

buddhists believe that life is basically misery...sadly, that's what drew me to it...however, an individual's goal is to identify what is causing the misery, decide how to get rid of it, and then banish it from his world. still working on that...anyway, learning from today is key.

one thing that i took away from the pain management program that has been immensely helpful, and changed both my perspective and my ability to handle stress, is the art of breathing. it's so easy, and something that i think gets overlooked 99% of the time. the best thing you can do to feel calm when you're overwhelmed, stressed, or anxious is to breathe.

i mean think about it, what is your breathing like when you're freaking out, having a panic attack, or ready to rip someone's head off? not too slow or soothing.

it sounds like a cliche, but it works. if you focus on breathing, slowly, evenly, in and out, you slow down mentally and physiologically. i've had days where i literally thought about my breathing for the entire day. every time i'd start to panic, i'd just focus on inhaling and exhaling, and not letting anything else in.

this is my praise for today: a day of serenity and pleasure. just take a deep breath; things will be better.

stuff

i started reading a new buddhism book about how to apply eastern principles to a western civilization. one of the first things the book discusses is the difference between having and being.

having is defined, in short, as accumulating things in life to prove your value or make you happy. being is basically living your life with the goal of existing in a contented state, free of outward restraints.

people seem to be really caught up in having: objects, things, material possessions, and not so concerned with their everyday life and whether they are contributing to the world in some way.

i see a lot of people who have so much "stuff", and keep accumulating things they don't need, just want, as a means of making themselves happy. and it's not just the buying, it's keeping random junk in drawers, cabinets, garages, and then having to move because you've run out of places to keep everything.

is there some contest for collecting random crap that i'm not aware of? i don't even like to buy books anymore, and i looooove books. hello library, unless i'm going to read the thing more than once. and yes, i'm aware that george carlin did a whole bit on "stuff".

there seems to be this cultural belief that material possessions can bring you happiness, or that having found "that special someone" can make your life complete. there are so many shows about hoarding and quests to find a mate, it's obviously something that our society is consumed with on some level.

in discussing having, the author of this particular buddhism book states that there is a certain level of anxiety associated with anything that you acquire because there is always the risk of losing it. whether it be another person, a car, your favorite sweater, anything that exists outside of you has the potential to disappear, leave, get lost.

happiness can only truly come from inside of you, and it's not easy, but at the end of the day, at the end of your life, *you* are the only thing that you will always possess. you are the only one who will take care of you, who can meet your needs.

better make sure that what lies within you is what's making you happy, because money can't buy it.

OMG, this sucks

first, i've been feeling really good the past few days. last thursday was hellllllllllll. luckily, i have people who are willing to deal with the petulant, permanent monkey on my back. i wouldn't behave so badly, but depression? that bitch has a whole set of issues she'd like to keep stapled to my soul, and will drag everyone down with her.

i had a lot of fun after my meltdown, saw good friends, baked, went to the movies, and felt hopeful, and not so chicken little-ish. i fought my negative instincts to hibernate, and forced myself to do what was good for me. ah, monkey bitch slap!

okay, so the suckage...i know i said (just last week!) that i was going to be boy-less for another, oh, seven months (buddha help me), but i really don't know how that's going to be possible. i mean, i can keep from being in situations where there are guys to be met, that's pretty easy for me as i socialize with my friends at my home, their home, restaurants, or...that's pretty much it.

i don't have any ex-boyfriends that live in the area that i can call when i'm bored. i only have one that lives in dallas, but the rest are out of state. wait, one in el paso, but that's a ten hour drive, so no easy access. i think my "love addiction", if you want to call it that is going to prevent me from being alone. i don't think i necessarily have a lot of those characteristics anymore, but i *need* male attention. i think every woman does. well, heterosexual women, not sure about the rest.

i mean, to have minimal contact with half the species is pretty isolating and depressing in itself, and who wants that torture? right now, my male attention isn't even human, and while i dearly love grayson and phoenix, someone with two legs and a vocabulary i can understand would be nice.

i think a big part of this void is that i'm used to having a guy to at least talk to, flirt with, and now i don't, hence "OMG, this sucks". while i tell myself that i can be productive, not have any distractions, focus on school without a boy around, i need a freaking distraction before i get addicted to reality tv. i'm trying to refrain from calling the one ex i *could* talk to, because that situation plays into my black/white, all/nothing routine i've had since birth. no thanks.

i would like to make healthy relationship choices, but it takes two.
are there even any healthy guys out there?

*crickets*

are you stupid or completely lacking in self-respect?

i really, really try to be a good person and treat others the way they want to be treated, but this issue with a guy i recently met is causing entirely too much trouble for me, and there's no escaping it since he lives 100 feet away.

i'm so annoyed and so frustrated, despite my attempts to let it go and take deep, zen-like breaths. breathe...breathe...breathe.

he keeps calling, i don't answer. he keeps texting, i don't answer. he finds out where i'm working, and (i guess he already had plans to be there, let's hope) tries to find me at work...and when he can't...calls, texts, then calls again.

also, he had some crappy, POS phone last week. now, all of the sudden he has an iphone. guess who else has an iphone? ME! coincidence? i think not.

i had originally agreed to go on a date, but he was so smothering, aggravating, and defensive in the first 12 hours that we talked, that i told him i couldn't go out with him because things should *not* be that hard when you first meet someone.

i finally called him tonight because ignoring him isn't working and i'm about to assign him his own ringer, the theme from psycho. i told him that i have given him *no* indication that i wanted to talk to, or receive texts from, him and that he has inundated me with both for the past week.

i was calm and to the point...and he pulled this wounded victim routine. was i blunt? yes. rude? no. but for the love of buddha, what does it take for the guy to get the picture?

and what a freaking drama queen. after i said my piece, he was like, "fine, i'll pretend that i don't even know you!" is that really necessary? can't you just act like the 42 year old man that you are, and have a shred of maturity?

mind you, my psycho sensor went off when, the day after i met him, he joked about stalking me. um, what? not a good thing to say to a girl that you like, who you've been supposedly wanting to talk to for a while, and who lives within spitting distance.

i will now be watching my car with an eagle eye in case of potential keying, and sleeping with a baseball bat under my bed in case of potential intrusion. at least you will know who to arrest when they find my headless corpse in some creepy sex dungeon.