daughter

so yeah, i'm about to just say fuck the world because i'm doing my best to keep my shit together, to not freak out, to do everyfuckingthing in my life on my own as far as taking care of myself, and someone who i thought loved me (and i'm not talking about a boyfriend or some random friend; this person is related to me by blood) said something that was so hurtful and heartless that i'm not really sure what to think.

i'm not a negative person, i really *do* have a lot of things in my life that make me happy, but i don't often blog about them because what am i gonna write? today was super!

how boring, and i don't tend to analyze why i'm happy. i go with it, relish the moment(s), and that's about it. if something out of the ordinary happens that is huge, positive, and unexpected, i *will* write about it...rarely...but the thing i really need to hash out is what i want to improve in my life.

plus, this person doesn't understand why i care about anything that i care about, so why mention it? so he can zone out while i describe in wonderment how i met eddie vedder, and talk about how fun pj20 will be? he doesn't get it, doesn't care.

yes, please ignore me when i talk about what matters most.

anyway, i know it's in my best interest to not let things like this get to me, but i'm already beyond stressed and working my best to take care of all my responsibilities, problems, and needs on my own without drowning. i don't have a lot of support, and it's easy to sit on your high horse of judgment when you have a spouse, a secretary, a full time job, a benefits package, and family to help you out.

i don't have any of those, despite my best efforts (and i'm a student, but that's my fault), and none of my family lives within a 200 mile radius. it amazes me that people who know what i've been through and can empathize and see how hard i bust my ass to keep my shit together tell me that i'm strong and resilient, and this person, who can't even pretend to sympathize with having debilitating depression that forced me to be hospitalized and on medication, thinks that i'm a glutton of self pity.

trust me, if i were to wallow in self pity, i would be dead.


"the picture kept will remind me..."

change (in the house of flies)

yep, another fucking blog with the word change in it. that's really not what's been going on today, but what a great song.

what's really going on is booooooooredom. holy hell, i can't take it. i think the biggest contributing factor is my medication. so, here's the deal: i take 400 mg of one of my meds a day. if i go down to 300 (there is no 350 option), i'm bordering on mopey. at 400, i'm bordering on manic. i can work out two hours a day if i want, i have to make myself eat, i end up taking three ativan instead of two to avoid anxiety issues (the prescription is written for three a day, but i haven't needed the third one till they upped this other stupid medication), i can't sleep, i've lost weight, and i have to sit on my hands so i don't rip off my cuticles.

i don't have a psychiatrist for the summer, so i'm kind of on my own here, *plus*, i got a 90 supply of all my medication for the summer, and my prescription is for 400 mg capsules (used to be a handful of 100 mg caps a day, so i had options), so unless i'm gonna open one up and pour part of it out, i'm screwed for the next 83 days.

another reason for boredom: NO money. i can't afford to do *anything*, nothing, i'm not exaggerating. paying the rent in july? that's going to be a miracle. i've never been this broke in my entire life. it's beyond frustrating and a long story.

and the pool is closed for repairs, and it's 95 degrees outside, i have the attention span of a fly right now (a ha! there's the fly reference!). FML.

anyway, back to bored...and restless. i can't sit still. i did an hour on the elliptical tonight, lifted weights, did crunches, and i still could've ridden my bike ten miles and been okay. i didn't because i would've died of heat exhaustion.

i'm not sure what to do because i can't *stand* being bored, and it's not like i can focus and read or study or do anything remotely intellectual or educationally productive (horrible phrase, work with me here) because the restlessness kicks that to the curb.

so what do i do? i exercise, pace, drink...mostly water, but sometimes rum, do push ups, clean out closets and drawers and cabinets, take deep breaths, chew on the inside of my mouth, keep grayson from killing phoenix. but mostly, i think about how bored i am, so bored that i can't even think of anything fun to do at home. i've been watching tv, which i haven't done much of in months, but i have to pause it and get up every seven minutes.

i have so much useless energy and nothing to do with it. i can only do the elliptical for so long before i, guess what? get bored! i don't know if my back can handle running, and walking sucks. i know that a lot of this contradictory, and that's exactly how it feels in my brain and my body: wires crossed everywhere.

i don't wanna to go down to 300 mg because i do *not* want to feel depressed, nothing even remotely in the same ballpark as that bitch. this other option isn't so fun, but with everything else that's going on, i'd rather be high as a kite than hiding razor blades.

other than all that, i'm trying not to do stupid things that get me in trouble, which is what i usually do when i'm bored because at least *then* it's exciting. i don't know if that's working out so well...

i texted someone tonight that i said i wouldn't. i didn't take a blood oath or anything, just told myself it would be a bad idea. oops. it took like three days of thinking about it before i did it, so i wasn't completely irrationally spontaneous. still, oops.

and even worse: he misses me, he's thinking about me, he's thinking about things we used to do together, he wants to see me, blah blah blah.

yeah, back to the gym and hide the phone...

weight of it all

matt nathanson...

i'm not sure what is going on, but this week i have *very* little ability to deal with anything good or bad, mostly bad. actually, i know part of what's going on: new moon, two months worth of SAT lessons and prep in a total of *maybe* 24 hours (which is an intellectual mind suck, to say the least), two days of training, very little sleep, lots of things on my mind, figuring out my new work schedule, stressing about the loss of my insurance, grayson almost broke my foot this morning, nerves are still acting up, i'm wondering if my 90 supply of meds will get here before my current supply runs out, trying to plan my research trip, and i can't remember *anything* and i need to make decisions that affect other people, so having some semblance of intellect or ability to plan/decide would be very helpful.

jesus, what next?

i can deal with a *lot* of shit, but i'm just burned out. i need about a 72 hour nap...straight through...no getting up, no dealing with the kids or FB or drama or parents or work or thinking or moving or pain or planning or money problems or emotions or scheduling.

what's strange is that i'm not worrying about a lot of those things because there's absolutely nothing i can do. i am powerless to control 99% of what happens in my life. i have thrown my proverbial hands up in the air. all i can control is myself.

however, my emotions are still there, i can't shut them off. the best i can do is refrain from acting out negatively. however, they've been weighing on me enough that i can barely stand up...i need to lay down.

i'm exhausted, i need a vacation, a break from reality. i was supposed to be out of town this week, and that fell the hell apart, so now i have to wait until july 5th.

awesome.

i may not make it.

i'd go to bed now, but it's night 2 of 3 of celebrating the bestie's birthday and i can't miss it. plus, the stupid fucking mavericks are playing and i can't miss that. fine, bed at 11, sleep till i meet my friend at 1:30 tomorrow?

i wish.

milestone #2

wow, i'm just chipping away at the accomplishment list lately, with *entirely* too much help from reality tv. *super* pathetic. i need to stop watching so much tv and read; although i have been feeling like my brain is de-oatmealing lately...and i just blew that idea out of the water with my ridiculous made up word/phrase.

this milestone has nothing to do with *doing* anything, really, more like not doing something.
*drum roll, please!*

i've lost about 10 pounds since i switched meds!! almost all of my pants fit again. what a freaking relief, because i *cannot* afford to buy clothes.

so, i no longer feel like this:














granted, i did eat about two pounds of pumpkin bread in less than a week, but that was pretty much all i ate, except for some fruit and a sandwich here and there. i don't know if anyone else can tell, but i can, and that's really what matters to me (no one else sees me naked, other than my kids). i had to move down three notches on my belt and now i'm back to the tightest one.

i don't really think about food, either, except when i go in my kitchen or randomly notice that my bananas are going bad. anyway, thank you wellbutrin xl for putting my "eat" instinct into neutral for the time being.

let's see how long this lasts...

just one day...

i would like to have one day where i'm not in some kind of physical, mental, or emotional pain. i ran this morning because i'm *supposed* to be exercising. it's good for depression, and i'm trying to get rid of the weight that my last medication caused me to gain.

due to a horrible experience a few weeks ago, i've been eating before i run, *every* time. but for some reason, i once again have a horrible stomach ache, one that nothing takes away.

i'm dizzy, nauseous, my mouth tastes like metal, and i just want to go to bed. i don't know if it's because i ran too far, or because i'm also in the throes of a fun female ritual, but i've been miserable all day.

if it's not medication that's making me ill, it's the sciatica in my left side, or a migraine, or some other ailment. i'm not that old, and i really don't think i'm asking for much: just one day without needing some kind of medication, other than the 25 already prescribed to me. i feel like i'm falling apart, and i'm doing everything i can to prevent it.

this is so frustrating, especially since what is making me sick (exercise, medicine), is what is supposed to be making me better...

mini-update

i don't really have anything to write about today, but i'm trying to write almost every day.

a little med update: my doctor increased the dosage of my semi-new med by 50%. i'm not sure how i feel yet emotionally; i'm still motivated, not laying around, but i feel like i have too much energy sometimes and i have no appetite. i ran five miles without stopping yesterday (without eating), and was so sick the rest of the day and night, i could barely move.

the 'not eating' part is really strange. i've hardly even thought of food for the past few days, it's almost like that part of my brain has been numbed. when i do think of food, it doesn't sound good, so i make myself eat at least three times a day. another side effect: i'm thirsty *all* the time; i can't get enough to drink.

i'm still somewhat dizzy and weak today, and slept more than usual. other than that, i put up my christmas tree, lights, and stockings. the thanksgiving break was good; this will be my last week of work until january. i don't know what i'm going to do with myself, other than read for my exams and attempt to keep grayson off the tree.

anyway, back to true blood...

any given thursday

yes, yesterday was thanksgiving, and i know the typical route is to write about what you're thankful for.

this year (and last year as well), i spent thanksgiving with friends, rather than family. i don't think that calling them "friends" quite gives them the credit that they deserve. these people in my life have become my family.

let's say they are my family of choice, not blood.

i'm not entirely close to a lot of my family, but i have friends who have offered their hearts and homes to me, visited me when i was in the hospital, taken care of my kids when i went out of town, driven me to the airport so i didn't have to pay $100 for parking, and accept me for who i am, with love, generosity, and kindness.

there are many people who won't do so much for their family, much less their friends. i do have family who do what they can to take care of me, are always at the ready with a shoulder and an ear. well, pretty much my daddy, and there are others that i could probably count on in a pinch, but my closest relative lives 200 miles away (not counting my mother here).

i'm extremely blessed to have these amazingly supportive, loving, understanding individuals in my life.

i have friends who can commiserate with me when it comes to depression, medication, and less-than-perfect mothers (you know who you are).

i have friends who, although they are miles and miles away, share my love of music and all things pearl jam (damn it, they're back again).

they truly are my family (i just wish most of them lived closer).

can i get a second opinion on this?

one of the unfortunate things (one of many) that happens when you take medications that are supposed to "fix" or stabilize your mood is that your ability to gauge how you feel is thrown off completely. the fact that i recently changed medications doesn't help, either.

i think some people are under the impression that if you take medication to alleviate depression, anxiety, etc., that you're just a ball of sunshine *all* the time. you wake up singing, skip to the shower, and treat the rest of your day as if you're the star in a broadway musical.





no, it does not look like this.
<------------------------------









medication is supposed to get you to a place (figurative, not literal. no all-expenses-paid trip to europe, or anything like that) where you can experience the average, every day range of human emotions, from sadness to exhilaration, and all the colors in between.

it's supposed to keep you from laying in bed for three days, doing nothing but eating twizzlers, crying, and refusing to shower. that's not what my depression looks like, just an example.

herein lays my problem: when am i just having a bad day, and when are my meds not working? i have no freaking clue. i'm not laying on the couch, watching tv in my pajamas all day, only to take a bath and put on a different set of pajamas (*that's* what my depression looks like). i may have depression, people, but i'm not an animal.

i've been emotional for the past few days, very ponderous, thinking about topics more important than 'should i use the lemon vanilla lotion, or the almond milk? what to do, what to do'. i've been thinking about relationships and family issues, but nothing more than what i would typically think of in a given day.

i think.
a lot.
don't forget those voices...

but i really *don't* know if i'm just having a crappy couple of days, or if my brain isn't doing what it's supposed to be doing. there's no real way to know, other than wait, see if i feel better, or if the floor drops out from underneath me.

so...here i sit...a ticking time bomb...living in the grays.

despite not feeling all that great emotionally, i'm still getting up every morning and running; a very good sign. i've been socializing; also good. i've been productive and busy, not laying on the couch for days, but i'm not happy. i'm not altogether sad, just meh. blah.

this can't be what the average, every day human experience has become, can it? if not (or if so, for that matter), what the hell's going on?

inquiring minds (well, my mind) want to know...

ADD?

so, i've been thinking all day about what i want to write about, and i cannot keep one train of thought for more than two minutes, which has led me to wonder if i have adult onset ADD (attention deficit disorder), which led me to look at the symptoms, and further my distractions.

my findings were a little disturbing. you need to have at least 15 of the symptoms to be diagnosed, and i have a fair share. i would've counted them, but i didn't have the patience to do so (not a good sign).

while i'm looking up the disorder, i'm also writing this blog, when in actuality i sat down at my desk to grade papers, and within the next 10 minutes, i'll get up again to do *something*, *anything* to keep me from sitting in one place and only working on one project.

here are a few streams of thought from today:

- wow, obviously almost a new moon because people are acting like assholes.
- people are driving like maniacs.
- why didn't i get any mail today? did the mailman even come; because i didn't see his truck?
- grayson is going to be bigger than phoenix soon. that's going to be a problem.
- i wish i hadn't cut my bangs over the summer because they're driving me crazy now.
- do i really like the christmas cards i'm making? are they too boring?
- do i feel like i have a sinus headache because of my allergies, or because of my meds?
- why does the big walmart carry edamame, but the grocery store version doesn't? and why the hell am i shopping at walmart now?
- i need to stop procrastinating my reading for school.
- i'm never going to find anyone to spend my life with because i'm a handful: tattoos, phd, independent. i'm screwed.
- why does the ten club keep posting tempting things and then sell out in 5 minutes?
- there is a *lot* of sex in "true blood". sex would be nice.
- i'm craving salt.

granted, none of these are supremely interesting internal conversations, but each of these ran through my head, usually more than one at the same time. i've also been doing almost anything i can think of to avoid studying/reading for my exams.

- i've almost finished my christmas shopping; unheard of!
- i've got my christmas card list done.
- i'm *making* christmas cards.
- i already have my dad's birthday present ready.
- i took pictures on my laptop with my kids.
- i've been organizing my itunes.
- i cleaned my entire apartment last friday, instead of reading.

in addition to all this craziness, i also can't listen to any cd in its entirety; my ipod is constantly on shuffle. i haven't watched a movie at home in months because i can't sit through the whole thing, and i constantly have at least 3 things going on at once. even when i'm in the middle of doing something, i'm thinking of something else i could be doing, too.

so i make lists. there are about five lists on my desk, not to mention my phone, my planner, and the refrigerator door.

when i'm not writing lists, this is what my life looks like: i'm writing this blog, grading, and wondering if hulu has the next episodes of "true blood" that i want to watch. hulu only has clips, so i have to do a search to find free episodes to watch online because i can't wait 4 days to get the next dvd from netflix. oh, and my itunes is playing a song from "romeo and juliet", i wonder if i should watch titanic. no, not the same movie, but i went from leonardo dicaprio in r&j to him in titanic. i don't think i could sit still that long. plus, i'd have to get the dvds out, and set up the tv to watch it. and about my itunes, are there any new cds i want to download? i really want the new fistful of mercy, but i put the vinyl edition on my amazon wishlist, and i'm not sure if i'm going to get it. but if i have the vinyl, i can only listen to it at home, but i *do* have the software to convert an album to a cd. i'd have to find that software, install it, hook up my laptop to the stereo; what a pain. and why don't i watch that much tv anymore? i love tv, but it just isn't interesting to me. i can't think of anything else that is, other than reading magazines because i only have to focus for 5 minutes at a time, tops.

this could keep going for days, people. this is why i have to have the tv on when i go to bed: to drown out the f-ing voices in my head that won't let me get a moment's peace without making a list, thinking of a project, checking a book to see if my astrological sign matches someone i just met, looking at my planner to make sure i wrote down everything i need to do tomorrow.

needless to say, this is exhausting.

life: 1 april: 0

sooo, i was going to try and write something upbeat, something happy to offset yesterday's postings, but i just...can't. i didn't sleep well, the cat decided to try and linebacker his way out of the laundry room all night, and i had weird dreams, which are part and parcel for me dredging up all this shit buried in my psyche.


despite having both coffee and chatting with a good friend, and then dinner with another friend, i still sit here crying, and i'm not sure why. which really concerns me.


is this because my old meds are out of my system and the new ones haven't fully kicked in? are the new meds not going to work? am i just having a bad day? is this normal?

i don't even know what that means. i also threw my body for a loop when i stopped taking my birth control pills about three weeks ago because 1. who needs them? (not me, that's who) and 2. i feel like a cesspool for chemicals. i'm gonna need a liver transplant before i'm 60 with all the shit, albeit 99% of it legal, that i've put in my body. so is this a response to the fact that i'm having hormone withdrawal? who the hell knows?!? that's a big part of the problem.

can i not just feel okay? i don't want this blog to turn into my day-to-day dealings with depression. if you want, i can give you 25 interesting facts about me; i started that blog last week. unfortunately, this *is* my day-to-day right now. feel free to stop reading.

compound all this with the fact that my memory is awful, i seriously don't know what day of the week it is, i need to read 100 books in the next 5 months, and my coordination is for shit. i can barely type. oh, and my eyes keep doing this weird thing where it feels like they're shifting from side to side super fast, so fast that i can't focus. sounds bizarre; it is, and that's the best explanation i can give. on the upside, i've lost 6 lbs. in 12 days.

i think part of the issue is that i'm lonely. i mean really, intensely, painfully lonely. i know that not everyone has someone, but i've been pretty much single for almost 5 years, that's 70% of this decade of my life. they say that things happens when you're not looking, and i haven't been...and nothing. i feel surrounded and supported by great friends, and i'm always busy, there aren't enough hours in the day, but someone to share all this with?

my dog. at least he listens when i talk to him.
usually.

that last part was actually more difficult to post than anything i've written on here. i've come to terms with having depression, but i can't come to terms with this.

not yet.

nothing stresses me out more

i cannot *stand* stressing about money. today started out *fantastic*. i got up, worked out, got some things done around the house while listening to old school U2. grayson sat on the patio, refrained from destroying anything. then i check the mail on the way to campus and get not one, not two, but three medical bills, and one that's been sent to collection, even though i paid on it two weeks ago.

so i had the fun task of calling the creditor, who said that i've been paying regularly, and as long as i pay every month, i'm cool, but i had to call the hospital and figure out why i have five different accounts and what the hell is going on with them. i never got a statement of services, or any kind of benefits explanation; i've just been making payments for services (which ones?) for at least seven months. i also think i've paid more than my out-of-pocket, but the thought of calling blue cross to haggle about my benefits is almost worse than having to pay them.

this is another thing about depression, it's really freaking expensive. that's one thing that i don't think people recognize, and they definitely don't tell you at depression camp (that's a joke, people). it can make your depression worse, or at least cause a hell of a lot of anxiety, which really doesn't help.

not only do you have to pay for meds every month, you have to visit a psychiatrist on a regular basis, and you have to pay for therapy if you really want to get well. i'm paying $150 - $200 a month, *without* paying off these stupid medical expenses. and if you've traveled the road of mental health hell that i have, you have additional expenses to deal with.

this situation just sucks. i was in such a good mood today, and i know i shouldn't let this one thing get me down, but i hate worrying about money more than anything else. i feel helpless, and i've been emotionally all over the place the past few days.

i decided to do something to take care of myself because my mind, body, and chemicals have been used and abused for the past few weeks. i went to the massage school and got a massage. $30 for almost 90 minutes, and it was worth every penny.

yes, i'm broke but i lay on a heating pad for four hours every night, and for the past few weeks, it has felt like someone stabbed me in the lower back and the back of my neck. i have severe arthritis in my spine, scoliosis, scar tissue floating around from two car accidents, and frequent migraines. if i continue to take the narcotics that are prescribed to me for the pain, i'll have yet another issue to deal with, and rehab ain't my cup of tea.

i'm feeling very relaxed now, and oh so sleepy, if i can only keep this headache at bay...

milestone

this may not seem like a big thing to most people, but i achieved what, for me, was a milestone this weekend. i've been doing promotional work for almost four years now, but for the last year and a half, it's been really hard because of my depression that kicked in during the summer of '09.

i wasn't properly treated and medicated for this bout until last december, but even still, it's been really hard to function in some areas of my life. i know i have to go to school, and i've made myself do that, even when i could barely get out of the house. i also know that i have to show up as a teaching assistant, even though i really struggled during the fall of '09 due to a lot of health issues that were probably ralated to the depression.

another problem area has been leaving the house and/or hanging out with friends. leaving the house at night has been really hard because i have all day to think about the fact that i have to get ready, go somewhere, pretend to be okay, and not want to crawl into a fetal position on the couch. i'd spend the whole day counting down the hours until i had to get ready, not doing anything else because i couldn't focus on anything but the worry.

i've never had problems with social anxiety or anything like that, but with this round of depression, i've been really isolated, even when i feel better. i think it's taken so much effort just to feel okay that i haven't had the extra energy to share it with others, if that makes sense. i've been doing everything i can to get better, and sometimes that means i don't have time for others. i'm not doing it to be selfish, but so that i can literally stay alive.

i've also had problems working promotions because i haven't been able to talk to people when i do them. in the past, i'd approach *anyone*, be friendly, talkative, but i have dreaded this job for almost a year and a half because i just couldn't handle the socialization. it's also hard to promote something when meds have your brain so fried, it's literally difficult to speak, let alone remember all the freaking selling points.

so, this weekend was a milestone for me. i was scheduled to work nascar, friday - sunday, for a total of 21 hours, and i made it all the way through. i worked every day, i actually enjoyed it for the most part, and i did my best. that may not seem like a big deal, but the racetrack is an hour's drive from my house, i had to be there at 6:30 am one day, and 7:00 the next, and the first shift was 8 hours long. i also had to talk to thousands of people, survey them, ask for personal information, give out stuff, be charming, and get hit on by rednecks. not to mention the fact that it was 45 - 55 degrees.

it means a lot to me that i pulled this off, especially with the medication change/adjustment. i woke up the third morning, and really didn't want to go. it was really cold, it was really early, and i just wanted to sleep in, but i couldn't do it. i couldn't stay home; i got up and went to work.

i was, and am, really proud of myself.

the life of a guinea pig/fat cat

soooo, other things on my mind. i'm going to divulge some personal info, and this isn't exactly easy for me to broadcast to the world, though i've dealt with it for half of my life. i'm on a few psychotropic meds because, like 47% of the population (i just made up that number), my brain doesn't produce the chemicals necessary to live a "normal" life. normal is a completely different topic, and i don't want to digress. anyway, i have a really, really weird brain that won't tolerate about 99.5% of the psych medications out there (that is a real number).

i was really excited in january when my doctor found something that worked and didn't make me hallucinate, stay awake for four days, cause panic attacks, or any of the other super fun side effects i've had to deal with. luckily, i'm not a guy because i'm sure sexual dysfunction would have been in there somewhere. back to meds:

i started taking this medication and, after like nine months on it, along with weekly therapy, i was feeling *great*, like tony the tiger great, until...i realized that my clothes were getting tighter and tighter. yes, happiness is all well and good (yay, mental health!), but if you gain weight, it's not exactly great for the self esteem. how can i not get depressed when i eat 1200 calories a day, work out six hours a week, obsess and record everything i put in my body, and still gain __ lbs?!?

<----- this is how i have been feeling.

i went to my primary care doctor, who told me that the med i'm taking is *notorious* for weight gain. fantastic. i went to my psychiatrist who said that, yes, weight gain is common with this drug. even better. she weighed me and "kinda" freaked out because every time i see her, she stresses the importance of exercise. i tell her i exercise. she says "good job". meanwhile, i had gained over 10% of my body weight since march.

now, this woman is a great psychiatrist, but if you've ever taken any psych meds or dealt with someone who has, it's a crapshoot (that was originally a title for a pearl jam song. yes, i'm obsessed). you are, in essence, a guinea pig and they try and try again until they find something that works.

because there are sooo many drugs i can't take, to find one that does work is a freaking miracle. the fact that it has the pesky little side effect of gaining __ lbs. in ten months is discarded in the name of mental health. anyway, because i was about to (calmly) have a nervous breakdown, and because she's a great doctor, she changed my medication to something that is known to cause weight loss. woo hoo!

now i'm dealing with the ever-so-fun task of experiencing and weeding through the side effects, while trying to determine if they'll go away. i also have to decide whether the side effects outweigh the intended effects. i talked to one of my friends about this (i will keep her anonymous to respect her privacy), and she said that she kept a journal of how she felt when she started a new med. i decided to try it out. here is a sample entry:

doubled the dosage today, numb, moody, blank mind and trouble remembering. i just want to go home and lay there and do nothing. i really just want to lay on my face, as weird as that sounds. i don’t want to feel anything, physically or emotionally. my brain doesn't contain any information. it's not that i can't access info, it's literally empty.

once again, welcome to my brain.

i feel the need to add a p.s.

while i'm going through all this trial/error/guinea pig experimentation crap, i really am, overall, doing soooooo much better than i was even a few months ago. several people have written to me, expressing concern (thank you friends, i love you), and i want you to know that i'm really, really good. i don't say that lightly, and it kind of scares me to put it out there because i'll be waiting for the other shoe to drop, but i'm hopeful, content, fulfilled, and optimistic. : )