change (in the house of flies)

yep, another fucking blog with the word change in it. that's really not what's been going on today, but what a great song.

what's really going on is booooooooredom. holy hell, i can't take it. i think the biggest contributing factor is my medication. so, here's the deal: i take 400 mg of one of my meds a day. if i go down to 300 (there is no 350 option), i'm bordering on mopey. at 400, i'm bordering on manic. i can work out two hours a day if i want, i have to make myself eat, i end up taking three ativan instead of two to avoid anxiety issues (the prescription is written for three a day, but i haven't needed the third one till they upped this other stupid medication), i can't sleep, i've lost weight, and i have to sit on my hands so i don't rip off my cuticles.

i don't have a psychiatrist for the summer, so i'm kind of on my own here, *plus*, i got a 90 supply of all my medication for the summer, and my prescription is for 400 mg capsules (used to be a handful of 100 mg caps a day, so i had options), so unless i'm gonna open one up and pour part of it out, i'm screwed for the next 83 days.

another reason for boredom: NO money. i can't afford to do *anything*, nothing, i'm not exaggerating. paying the rent in july? that's going to be a miracle. i've never been this broke in my entire life. it's beyond frustrating and a long story.

and the pool is closed for repairs, and it's 95 degrees outside, i have the attention span of a fly right now (a ha! there's the fly reference!). FML.

anyway, back to bored...and restless. i can't sit still. i did an hour on the elliptical tonight, lifted weights, did crunches, and i still could've ridden my bike ten miles and been okay. i didn't because i would've died of heat exhaustion.

i'm not sure what to do because i can't *stand* being bored, and it's not like i can focus and read or study or do anything remotely intellectual or educationally productive (horrible phrase, work with me here) because the restlessness kicks that to the curb.

so what do i do? i exercise, pace, drink...mostly water, but sometimes rum, do push ups, clean out closets and drawers and cabinets, take deep breaths, chew on the inside of my mouth, keep grayson from killing phoenix. but mostly, i think about how bored i am, so bored that i can't even think of anything fun to do at home. i've been watching tv, which i haven't done much of in months, but i have to pause it and get up every seven minutes.

i have so much useless energy and nothing to do with it. i can only do the elliptical for so long before i, guess what? get bored! i don't know if my back can handle running, and walking sucks. i know that a lot of this contradictory, and that's exactly how it feels in my brain and my body: wires crossed everywhere.

i don't wanna to go down to 300 mg because i do *not* want to feel depressed, nothing even remotely in the same ballpark as that bitch. this other option isn't so fun, but with everything else that's going on, i'd rather be high as a kite than hiding razor blades.

other than all that, i'm trying not to do stupid things that get me in trouble, which is what i usually do when i'm bored because at least *then* it's exciting. i don't know if that's working out so well...

i texted someone tonight that i said i wouldn't. i didn't take a blood oath or anything, just told myself it would be a bad idea. oops. it took like three days of thinking about it before i did it, so i wasn't completely irrationally spontaneous. still, oops.

and even worse: he misses me, he's thinking about me, he's thinking about things we used to do together, he wants to see me, blah blah blah.

yeah, back to the gym and hide the phone...

monkeywrench

wow, so i haven't written in about three and a half months. i can't believe it's been that long, especially since i was writing almost every day. things got busy, i was doing a lot to relieve my back/chronic pain, but things were mostly smoothed out, sailing along, and i didn't make writing a priority. i was too busy living my life, content and satisfied.

i felt so much better physically, mentally, emotionally. i've come to terms with a lot of things and made progress by leaps and bounds this year, as far as personal goals i set for myself.

now, i'm really regretting not keeping us with this blog, because if anything, looking back on things is a way to avoid making the same mistakes again, and a way to refresh your memory about all those things that were good, that make you happy and proud.

i realize that for every accomplishment or step forward, regression and a few steps backward are par for the course. in my experience, things will progress fantastically for a while, and then there will be a bump (or a fucking landmine) in the road, and it feels like everything has gone to shit. i get thrown off course.

one big improvement is that my recovery time has shortened drastically. i get upset, i give myself a certain amount of time to grieve and wallow, then i do what i know will bring me back to life and i'm back on track.

and that's basically what has happened the past few weeks, except things keep happening that prevent me from fully recovering or doing what i need to do. i have fallen off the wagon of self care and goal achievement. i'd gotten into the zone of being focused on taking care of myself, doing what i need to do, studying, exercising, socializing, eating well, *sleeping*, all the things that i know i need to do to stay sane and stable.

and then one distraction, at first glance a positive one, managed to send all of that into a tailspin of amazingly careless and self-destructive habits in a matter of weeks. i haven't been sleeping or eating. i've lost about 6 lbs. in a month, i have lacked the ability to set healthy boundaries, i've been exceedingly reckless, and i put the needs of someone else above my own (never a good thing), especially when the other party doesn't do the same.

bottom line: i feel like a fucking idiot. it's so rare to find a connection with someone, especially an instant, intense, easy connection. i found one, and i let it overtake me. i let my emotions dictate my choices and didn't stop to think about what i was doing. i didn't stop to think if what i was doing was a good choice for me. i lost sight of what i needed to do, and i lost sight of myself.

i let someone in for the first time in a long time, and now i'm wondering if it's something i'll be able to do again. i've never been one to just shut down my feelings or who i am. i want to experience all that i can and not hide. fear isn't something i experience very often.

i have so many other positive, healthy, happy things in my life that i've let fall by the wayside in such a short amount of time. i'm ashamed...

i wanted to incorporate this new part into my world, have someone to share my happiness with, have someone who *gets* what matters to me without question or judgment. this other person seemed to want that, too - making friends with mine, building a foundation for something between us, talking about the future.

i never saw it coming, but how can you ever expect betrayal when it rears its stealthy head? even if you feel a slight blip of doubt, you don't want to believe it, at least i don't. despite my cynicism, i give the people in my life countless chances for redemption, and i trusted this person. i couldn't find a reason not to; an amazing feat for me. i gave everything that i could to be a caring, loving, supportive person, and it was all for nothing.

what do i learn from this: that everyone has the potential to be a wolf in sheep's clothing? that my judgment about others hasn't improved despite my best efforts and beliefs to the contrary? that i deserve to be treated badly? that the only way to be treated well or not walked on is to walk on others?

i can't do that. i don't want to believe any of those things, and i'm not the person i used to be. i'm doing my best to be a kinder, gentler me every day, but for what? few seem to appreciate or value that version of me. kindness and understanding seems to equal gullible, deserving disrespect, a doormat.

i'm not angry, i'm numb, confused, hurt. i feel like a fool.

what's the point in trying to give someone your all when pain is the end result?

"This pair of wing's worn and rusted
From too many years by my side
They can carry me, swear to be sturdy and strong
But see, turning them on still means goodbye"

easier to lie

probably not as well-known as some of the other titles i've used, but a great song by aqualung.

okay, i know that celebrities can't be honest about alllll the things they do to make themselves beautiful, but i'm not sure why they so blatantly lie when the changes are clearly obvious. is it because we're supposed to believe that they were all born that gorgeous, put together, and perfect, and that we, as mere mortals, can't even compete because we'll never be of that stature?

is it because they're mostly actors and paid to 'lie' in a sense; or are they delusional and think no one will notice that they have a new face? whatever the case may be, all you have to do is look at the pictures magazines find of these people in high school, or star magazine, where they're sans make up, to know that no one looks that fantastic naturally, or when they roll out of bed.

well, very few people. also, if i had hair and make up people, a stylist, a trainer, a chef, and spent three hours getting ready, i'd look pretty freaking good, too.

the last few weeks, my wrath has been directed at kim kardashian. yes, i watch all her stupid shows. why? no idea. but she keeps claiming that she's "super honest" about whether she's had plastic surgery, and that she hasn't had any work done. her proof is that she had botox injections on the show, so she's willing to admit what she's changed about her appearance.

OMG, don't get me started. first of all, all you have to do is look at pictures of her over the years to know that she's had at least two nose jobs.

this person
<---- does not look like this person ---->















granted, she's wearing make up in the picture on the right, but still, come *on*! and i'm not the only one who posits this theory. i found this online:



gotta love the internet.

















and as far as the boobs are concerned, which she claimed on CNN the other night are "100% real."

whatever...













the latest adjustment is her lips, which were already significantly full are now even bigger. her excuse? she had the flu. um, what? yes, that is her excuse: she had the flu and it made her lips puffier. first of all, this doesn't even make any sense.

last i checked, your lips don't swell up when you're throwing up for days, have a fever, and don't eat. second, that was like a month ago, and they're still ginormous!! that must be some killer flu that's hanging on for years. despite the fact that she has been trooping all over the country, promoting her new show, in full make up and trampily dressed (as usual), she hasn't so much as sneezed.

one last point. as any woman can tell you, when you lose weight, the first place it goes is usually in your boobs and your butt; most often the places you don't really want to lose it. now kim has lost like 15 lbs. in the last year or so, and her boobs and ass are still *huge*.

she gets thinner and her boobs and butt are the same size? not possible. i'm not even going to address the rumors that she had butt implants because if she did, she's even dumber than i already think.

claiming that big asses are an "armenian thing" doesn't work, either. she's only half armenian, as are her two sisters, and neither one of them is built like her. yes, genes are strange and selective, but both her sisters had small breasts, and the one who doesn't any more admits she had implants. the other one, who is somewhat heavy, doesn't have that shelf ass that kim does. and how anyone finds that attractive, i have no idea.

really, i could set my drink on that.


and don't even get me started on the hair extensions. grow your own damn hair!!!

milestone #2

wow, i'm just chipping away at the accomplishment list lately, with *entirely* too much help from reality tv. *super* pathetic. i need to stop watching so much tv and read; although i have been feeling like my brain is de-oatmealing lately...and i just blew that idea out of the water with my ridiculous made up word/phrase.

this milestone has nothing to do with *doing* anything, really, more like not doing something.
*drum roll, please!*

i've lost about 10 pounds since i switched meds!! almost all of my pants fit again. what a freaking relief, because i *cannot* afford to buy clothes.

so, i no longer feel like this:














granted, i did eat about two pounds of pumpkin bread in less than a week, but that was pretty much all i ate, except for some fruit and a sandwich here and there. i don't know if anyone else can tell, but i can, and that's really what matters to me (no one else sees me naked, other than my kids). i had to move down three notches on my belt and now i'm back to the tightest one.

i don't really think about food, either, except when i go in my kitchen or randomly notice that my bananas are going bad. anyway, thank you wellbutrin xl for putting my "eat" instinct into neutral for the time being.

let's see how long this lasts...

just one day...

i would like to have one day where i'm not in some kind of physical, mental, or emotional pain. i ran this morning because i'm *supposed* to be exercising. it's good for depression, and i'm trying to get rid of the weight that my last medication caused me to gain.

due to a horrible experience a few weeks ago, i've been eating before i run, *every* time. but for some reason, i once again have a horrible stomach ache, one that nothing takes away.

i'm dizzy, nauseous, my mouth tastes like metal, and i just want to go to bed. i don't know if it's because i ran too far, or because i'm also in the throes of a fun female ritual, but i've been miserable all day.

if it's not medication that's making me ill, it's the sciatica in my left side, or a migraine, or some other ailment. i'm not that old, and i really don't think i'm asking for much: just one day without needing some kind of medication, other than the 25 already prescribed to me. i feel like i'm falling apart, and i'm doing everything i can to prevent it.

this is so frustrating, especially since what is making me sick (exercise, medicine), is what is supposed to be making me better...

the life of a guinea pig/fat cat

soooo, other things on my mind. i'm going to divulge some personal info, and this isn't exactly easy for me to broadcast to the world, though i've dealt with it for half of my life. i'm on a few psychotropic meds because, like 47% of the population (i just made up that number), my brain doesn't produce the chemicals necessary to live a "normal" life. normal is a completely different topic, and i don't want to digress. anyway, i have a really, really weird brain that won't tolerate about 99.5% of the psych medications out there (that is a real number).

i was really excited in january when my doctor found something that worked and didn't make me hallucinate, stay awake for four days, cause panic attacks, or any of the other super fun side effects i've had to deal with. luckily, i'm not a guy because i'm sure sexual dysfunction would have been in there somewhere. back to meds:

i started taking this medication and, after like nine months on it, along with weekly therapy, i was feeling *great*, like tony the tiger great, until...i realized that my clothes were getting tighter and tighter. yes, happiness is all well and good (yay, mental health!), but if you gain weight, it's not exactly great for the self esteem. how can i not get depressed when i eat 1200 calories a day, work out six hours a week, obsess and record everything i put in my body, and still gain __ lbs?!?

<----- this is how i have been feeling.

i went to my primary care doctor, who told me that the med i'm taking is *notorious* for weight gain. fantastic. i went to my psychiatrist who said that, yes, weight gain is common with this drug. even better. she weighed me and "kinda" freaked out because every time i see her, she stresses the importance of exercise. i tell her i exercise. she says "good job". meanwhile, i had gained over 10% of my body weight since march.

now, this woman is a great psychiatrist, but if you've ever taken any psych meds or dealt with someone who has, it's a crapshoot (that was originally a title for a pearl jam song. yes, i'm obsessed). you are, in essence, a guinea pig and they try and try again until they find something that works.

because there are sooo many drugs i can't take, to find one that does work is a freaking miracle. the fact that it has the pesky little side effect of gaining __ lbs. in ten months is discarded in the name of mental health. anyway, because i was about to (calmly) have a nervous breakdown, and because she's a great doctor, she changed my medication to something that is known to cause weight loss. woo hoo!

now i'm dealing with the ever-so-fun task of experiencing and weeding through the side effects, while trying to determine if they'll go away. i also have to decide whether the side effects outweigh the intended effects. i talked to one of my friends about this (i will keep her anonymous to respect her privacy), and she said that she kept a journal of how she felt when she started a new med. i decided to try it out. here is a sample entry:

doubled the dosage today, numb, moody, blank mind and trouble remembering. i just want to go home and lay there and do nothing. i really just want to lay on my face, as weird as that sounds. i don’t want to feel anything, physically or emotionally. my brain doesn't contain any information. it's not that i can't access info, it's literally empty.

once again, welcome to my brain.

i feel the need to add a p.s.

while i'm going through all this trial/error/guinea pig experimentation crap, i really am, overall, doing soooooo much better than i was even a few months ago. several people have written to me, expressing concern (thank you friends, i love you), and i want you to know that i'm really, really good. i don't say that lightly, and it kind of scares me to put it out there because i'll be waiting for the other shoe to drop, but i'm hopeful, content, fulfilled, and optimistic. : )