change (in the house of flies)

yep, another fucking blog with the word change in it. that's really not what's been going on today, but what a great song.

what's really going on is booooooooredom. holy hell, i can't take it. i think the biggest contributing factor is my medication. so, here's the deal: i take 400 mg of one of my meds a day. if i go down to 300 (there is no 350 option), i'm bordering on mopey. at 400, i'm bordering on manic. i can work out two hours a day if i want, i have to make myself eat, i end up taking three ativan instead of two to avoid anxiety issues (the prescription is written for three a day, but i haven't needed the third one till they upped this other stupid medication), i can't sleep, i've lost weight, and i have to sit on my hands so i don't rip off my cuticles.

i don't have a psychiatrist for the summer, so i'm kind of on my own here, *plus*, i got a 90 supply of all my medication for the summer, and my prescription is for 400 mg capsules (used to be a handful of 100 mg caps a day, so i had options), so unless i'm gonna open one up and pour part of it out, i'm screwed for the next 83 days.

another reason for boredom: NO money. i can't afford to do *anything*, nothing, i'm not exaggerating. paying the rent in july? that's going to be a miracle. i've never been this broke in my entire life. it's beyond frustrating and a long story.

and the pool is closed for repairs, and it's 95 degrees outside, i have the attention span of a fly right now (a ha! there's the fly reference!). FML.

anyway, back to bored...and restless. i can't sit still. i did an hour on the elliptical tonight, lifted weights, did crunches, and i still could've ridden my bike ten miles and been okay. i didn't because i would've died of heat exhaustion.

i'm not sure what to do because i can't *stand* being bored, and it's not like i can focus and read or study or do anything remotely intellectual or educationally productive (horrible phrase, work with me here) because the restlessness kicks that to the curb.

so what do i do? i exercise, pace, drink...mostly water, but sometimes rum, do push ups, clean out closets and drawers and cabinets, take deep breaths, chew on the inside of my mouth, keep grayson from killing phoenix. but mostly, i think about how bored i am, so bored that i can't even think of anything fun to do at home. i've been watching tv, which i haven't done much of in months, but i have to pause it and get up every seven minutes.

i have so much useless energy and nothing to do with it. i can only do the elliptical for so long before i, guess what? get bored! i don't know if my back can handle running, and walking sucks. i know that a lot of this contradictory, and that's exactly how it feels in my brain and my body: wires crossed everywhere.

i don't wanna to go down to 300 mg because i do *not* want to feel depressed, nothing even remotely in the same ballpark as that bitch. this other option isn't so fun, but with everything else that's going on, i'd rather be high as a kite than hiding razor blades.

other than all that, i'm trying not to do stupid things that get me in trouble, which is what i usually do when i'm bored because at least *then* it's exciting. i don't know if that's working out so well...

i texted someone tonight that i said i wouldn't. i didn't take a blood oath or anything, just told myself it would be a bad idea. oops. it took like three days of thinking about it before i did it, so i wasn't completely irrationally spontaneous. still, oops.

and even worse: he misses me, he's thinking about me, he's thinking about things we used to do together, he wants to see me, blah blah blah.

yeah, back to the gym and hide the phone...

mini-update

i don't really have anything to write about today, but i'm trying to write almost every day.

a little med update: my doctor increased the dosage of my semi-new med by 50%. i'm not sure how i feel yet emotionally; i'm still motivated, not laying around, but i feel like i have too much energy sometimes and i have no appetite. i ran five miles without stopping yesterday (without eating), and was so sick the rest of the day and night, i could barely move.

the 'not eating' part is really strange. i've hardly even thought of food for the past few days, it's almost like that part of my brain has been numbed. when i do think of food, it doesn't sound good, so i make myself eat at least three times a day. another side effect: i'm thirsty *all* the time; i can't get enough to drink.

i'm still somewhat dizzy and weak today, and slept more than usual. other than that, i put up my christmas tree, lights, and stockings. the thanksgiving break was good; this will be my last week of work until january. i don't know what i'm going to do with myself, other than read for my exams and attempt to keep grayson off the tree.

anyway, back to true blood...

the life of a guinea pig/fat cat

soooo, other things on my mind. i'm going to divulge some personal info, and this isn't exactly easy for me to broadcast to the world, though i've dealt with it for half of my life. i'm on a few psychotropic meds because, like 47% of the population (i just made up that number), my brain doesn't produce the chemicals necessary to live a "normal" life. normal is a completely different topic, and i don't want to digress. anyway, i have a really, really weird brain that won't tolerate about 99.5% of the psych medications out there (that is a real number).

i was really excited in january when my doctor found something that worked and didn't make me hallucinate, stay awake for four days, cause panic attacks, or any of the other super fun side effects i've had to deal with. luckily, i'm not a guy because i'm sure sexual dysfunction would have been in there somewhere. back to meds:

i started taking this medication and, after like nine months on it, along with weekly therapy, i was feeling *great*, like tony the tiger great, until...i realized that my clothes were getting tighter and tighter. yes, happiness is all well and good (yay, mental health!), but if you gain weight, it's not exactly great for the self esteem. how can i not get depressed when i eat 1200 calories a day, work out six hours a week, obsess and record everything i put in my body, and still gain __ lbs?!?

<----- this is how i have been feeling.

i went to my primary care doctor, who told me that the med i'm taking is *notorious* for weight gain. fantastic. i went to my psychiatrist who said that, yes, weight gain is common with this drug. even better. she weighed me and "kinda" freaked out because every time i see her, she stresses the importance of exercise. i tell her i exercise. she says "good job". meanwhile, i had gained over 10% of my body weight since march.

now, this woman is a great psychiatrist, but if you've ever taken any psych meds or dealt with someone who has, it's a crapshoot (that was originally a title for a pearl jam song. yes, i'm obsessed). you are, in essence, a guinea pig and they try and try again until they find something that works.

because there are sooo many drugs i can't take, to find one that does work is a freaking miracle. the fact that it has the pesky little side effect of gaining __ lbs. in ten months is discarded in the name of mental health. anyway, because i was about to (calmly) have a nervous breakdown, and because she's a great doctor, she changed my medication to something that is known to cause weight loss. woo hoo!

now i'm dealing with the ever-so-fun task of experiencing and weeding through the side effects, while trying to determine if they'll go away. i also have to decide whether the side effects outweigh the intended effects. i talked to one of my friends about this (i will keep her anonymous to respect her privacy), and she said that she kept a journal of how she felt when she started a new med. i decided to try it out. here is a sample entry:

doubled the dosage today, numb, moody, blank mind and trouble remembering. i just want to go home and lay there and do nothing. i really just want to lay on my face, as weird as that sounds. i don’t want to feel anything, physically or emotionally. my brain doesn't contain any information. it's not that i can't access info, it's literally empty.

once again, welcome to my brain.

i feel the need to add a p.s.

while i'm going through all this trial/error/guinea pig experimentation crap, i really am, overall, doing soooooo much better than i was even a few months ago. several people have written to me, expressing concern (thank you friends, i love you), and i want you to know that i'm really, really good. i don't say that lightly, and it kind of scares me to put it out there because i'll be waiting for the other shoe to drop, but i'm hopeful, content, fulfilled, and optimistic. : )