milestone

this may not seem like a big thing to most people, but i achieved what, for me, was a milestone this weekend. i've been doing promotional work for almost four years now, but for the last year and a half, it's been really hard because of my depression that kicked in during the summer of '09.

i wasn't properly treated and medicated for this bout until last december, but even still, it's been really hard to function in some areas of my life. i know i have to go to school, and i've made myself do that, even when i could barely get out of the house. i also know that i have to show up as a teaching assistant, even though i really struggled during the fall of '09 due to a lot of health issues that were probably ralated to the depression.

another problem area has been leaving the house and/or hanging out with friends. leaving the house at night has been really hard because i have all day to think about the fact that i have to get ready, go somewhere, pretend to be okay, and not want to crawl into a fetal position on the couch. i'd spend the whole day counting down the hours until i had to get ready, not doing anything else because i couldn't focus on anything but the worry.

i've never had problems with social anxiety or anything like that, but with this round of depression, i've been really isolated, even when i feel better. i think it's taken so much effort just to feel okay that i haven't had the extra energy to share it with others, if that makes sense. i've been doing everything i can to get better, and sometimes that means i don't have time for others. i'm not doing it to be selfish, but so that i can literally stay alive.

i've also had problems working promotions because i haven't been able to talk to people when i do them. in the past, i'd approach *anyone*, be friendly, talkative, but i have dreaded this job for almost a year and a half because i just couldn't handle the socialization. it's also hard to promote something when meds have your brain so fried, it's literally difficult to speak, let alone remember all the freaking selling points.

so, this weekend was a milestone for me. i was scheduled to work nascar, friday - sunday, for a total of 21 hours, and i made it all the way through. i worked every day, i actually enjoyed it for the most part, and i did my best. that may not seem like a big deal, but the racetrack is an hour's drive from my house, i had to be there at 6:30 am one day, and 7:00 the next, and the first shift was 8 hours long. i also had to talk to thousands of people, survey them, ask for personal information, give out stuff, be charming, and get hit on by rednecks. not to mention the fact that it was 45 - 55 degrees.

it means a lot to me that i pulled this off, especially with the medication change/adjustment. i woke up the third morning, and really didn't want to go. it was really cold, it was really early, and i just wanted to sleep in, but i couldn't do it. i couldn't stay home; i got up and went to work.

i was, and am, really proud of myself.