the past few days have been pretty emotional and difficult for me as i try to figure out what is best for me in certain situations and have my actions not be interpreted as hurtful or offensive to anyone else.
in general, i'm trying to create new, healthier patterns and discard the old. needless to say, this is an extremely difficult process - to get rid of 30+ years of what you know and what you've been taught - and learn how to exist in the world as an entirely different kind of being? good luck.
in addition to rebuilding myself, i'm trying to repair relationships, and i feel compelled to prove myself to certain people in my life. part of me thinks this is ridiculous because i can't worry constantly about what others think of me. i'm an adult, i'm a good person, i do the best that i can, i try to learn from my mistakes and not repeat them.
if you don't see that, it's your loss, and you're not really seeing me. however, in order for repairs to be made, the other people in this equation feel that i need to *demonstrate* that i'm different. i haven't been rude, disrespectful, mean, vindictive in this situation in years, but you want *proof*? would you like me to pull a rabbit out of my hat while i'm at it?
i can't control anyone other than myself. i need to be happy and satisfied with who i am, above everything else. that is by no means a selfish statement, but if you don't love and respect yourself, who will ever be able to love and respect you? i'm the only person who is stuck with me, and guaranteed to be here, the rest of my life, so i sure as hell better like me because there is nothing wrong than being stuck with someone you can't stand for a lifetime.
how can i prove that i'm different? i *know* i am. if you're judging me (first of all, why are you even judging me? don't you have other things you could be doing?) on my personality, behaviors, and mistakes of 15 years ago, you may as well talk to a complete stranger, because you will know that person as well as you know me.
people are going to think what they want, regardless of what i put out into the universe. once again, i can't control anyone else. my actions and behaviors may be entirely misinterpreted for a variety of reason. so, what do i do; bite the bullet, suck it up, be a "bigger" person and try to change their minds; even though it's *their* decision, not mine, because i have no control?
i have no problem admitting that i'm wrong or apologizing, but no one in this situation seems to think that i deserve an apology anywhere in here. none of the involved parties seems to care that i've been hurt, discarded, and disrespected for almost 30 years. i have somehow become the villain in all of this, and bare the brunt of punishment that no one else has to endure.
i feel like i'm supposed to take the blame, and i have been used as a scapegoat, for many, many situations with this relationship and dynamic. it's easy for them to do.
i'm the outsider.
i don't belong.
however, despite all this, and despite having a really rough 24 hours of almost non-stop crying, sadness, and confusion, i took another step toward changing my former patterns...well, a couple of steps. i talked to my sister, i asked for help, i listened to her advice, and i was able to take a step back and think rationally and logically about this situation, and apologize for my emotional reaction.
after all of that, and the incessant thinking, wondering, and worrying that i was taking on from others, i was tired, emotionally exhausted, and didn't want to be social. i didn't want to deal with anyone, but my oldest and dearest friend invited me to spend the afternoon/evening with her and her mom. so i went.
it was absolutely the best thing i could have done. i've known this friend and her mom since i was 6, and they are family to me, as i am to them. we baked all kinds of cookies and treats, had dinner, and some wine, and just *breathed*.
no stress, no worries, just simple, joyful, exquisite perfection. i talked to them about what i've been struggling with, and their answer was clear, brave, and reassuring. i felt supported and that i have someone in my corner who really cares about what happens to me, and not what they're going to get out of it, or how they'll be affected. that, sadly, is a rarity.
i also felt loved and accepted for who i am. these people have known me since i was 6, and they don't seem to think that i'm some selfish, controlling, demon seed...because i'm really not, but when you hear that often enough from people you "expect" to love you, you start to believe it.
my friend and her mom have known me for 30+ years, and invite me into their home to stay "as long as i want" anytime i go over there, they had me over for thanksgiving, offered to have me for christmas, and love me for who i am.
i'm proud that i was able to do something to help myself instead of getting sucked into the vortex of negativity and shame that people want to box me in. i'm not trying to be a martyr, that is my perception of my reality.
i'm so immensely grateful for the friends who are my family who pick me up when i feel that i can only fall. i relish the moments when my faith in humanity, love, and beauty are restored.
thank you.
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