in my life

the blessed beatles...

ugh, i'm trying so hard to take the high road, and do what's best for me, but what the hell? the road is getting lower and lower, and i'm doing my best to resist.

the bestie and i got into a discussion tonight about connections, "psychic connections", or those that resonate deeply and seem to bind two people through no force that can be explained or verified. she and i share this link; i don't know if it's because we've known each other since 1980, or because we're just naturally in sync, but we're in each other's heads a lot, and more often than not when i text her, she is picking up the phone to text me (or vice versa).

i also have this "link" with my mom. i didn't even realize it until i was in my early 20s and she said that ever since i was a kid, i had the ability to read her mind. she'd think of something she'd promised me, and out of nowhere, i'd mention it (her internal response, "shit! i thought she had forgotten.")

as i've gotten older, i've paid more attention to this type of phenomenon, and anything that may be sixth sense-related, i.e. the ghost issue. i've had similar intuitions and experiences with close friends, my sisters, but i can't think of one guy, really.

except one...the person that i'm trying to eradicate all feelings for.

son of a bitch.

he and i clicked instantaneously; looking back, it was almost like a car crash: forceful, dangerous, and too fast to do anyone any good. within a few days he was able to get inside my head and say what i was thinking without even trying. i seemed to read him in a similar fashion, i thought.

i was at ease from the get go, in ways it normally takes months for me to feel comfortable. the synchronicity was intense and instant, like an elastic band effortlessly snapping into place. i think that's why this person is so embedded in my thoughts. i feel like we're connected somehow, and how do you break a connection with someone?

i haven't talked to my mom in about 50 weeks (not that i'm counting), but i thought about her over the weekend, and had an overwhelming desire to contact her, for absolutely *no* reason, and trust me, i pondered it quite a bit...not much else you can do when you're drugged up, in pain, and icing your entire lower body. i didn't do it because logically, i had no reason to do so, and i was able to recognize that.

i had to run an errand today, and i was about 1/2 a mile from her house. out of nowhere, i felt like i had to, *had* to go to her house *immediately*. it was a visceral, almost physical pull to turn my car around. i came so close, but then i had a moment of rational thought, and realized that it was a bad idea.

instantly, i started crying, even while singing. i couldn't help it; i was sad...sad for what i've lost, what i've always wanted, and what i'll never have. i think that's another reason i've felt overwhelmed and lost the past few days: i'm not sure where this primal mother-craving instinct is coming from, and it's throwing me for a loop. i worked through this months ago, but then again, i also heard my biological clock ticking like a time bomb the other day, so maybe that's a contributing factor.

i feel like my distance from my mom is equivalent to an addict or an alcoholic in recovery. our relationship is that much of a toxic (at this point) and unhealthy influence in my life; i don't want to lose my 350something days of sobriety. luckily, i've had the presence of mind to refrain from acting on wild impulses.

i'm trying to apply those skills to other areas of my life. i *know* there are ways to implement them, and if i could just have the willpower to do so, i'd be much better off. the thing is, part of me doesn't want to; part of me wants to cave, to give in, to feel that bond of understanding and shorthand, regardless of the repercussions. hell, it took 30+ years to break up with my mom, but then again, she's my mom. she literally grew me in her body like a pod.

that's the selfish, masochistic part of me that aches to be understood and unquestioned in what i value, the part of me that is tired of having to defend what i'm passionate about, and just wants to be unconditionally accepted. i think everyone has that desire.

if i've learned anything in the past year, however, it's that a bond with someone isn't necessarily healthy or in my best interest. i figured out a long time ago that just because someone has been in my life for decades doesn't mean they belong here; some people outgrow you, and you outgrow some people.

so i ask you: how do you break a connection with someone? i honestly have no idea...