something's missing

i doubt anyone noticed, but this blog title is also a song title. i did that before with "caring is creepy". i'm thinking about doing a whole month of music-themed titles, just to amuse myself and to describe my feelings or what i'm writing about. i think you get the point of this entry.

anyway, that song pretty much sums up how i'm feeling lately. i feel like i have sorted out a lot of things in my life. i'm at peace with my relationships with family and friends; even if they're not ideal, i can live with them for now and be okay. i'm motivated about school and doing what i need to be doing.

when i think back to what was going on a year ago and how i felt, i feel like a greatly revised/improved/upgraded person...april 2.0

but still "something's missing, and i don't know how to fix it." because of this, i feel restless and out of sorts in a way. i'm not looking for drama or chaos, a little excitement maybe; something to look forward to.

i'm also struggling a bit with the fact that i want to talk to someone, in order to repair a situation that was good, but went bad. i feel like i acted quickly at the time because i was dealing with my own life-threatening and sanity-based issues, and i didn't have the capacity to fix anyone else. not that i ever *want* to be in that position, but i was asked to be.

anyway, i'd like to talk to this person because i do feel like i'm different. i'd like to apologize and see how he's doing; i miss him and hope he's okay. i've tried to reach out several times in the 11 months since we talked, and he's been unresponsive. no email, text, or phone call telling me to f*ck off, just...silence. i don't want to inflict any pain on this person, we were great friends before all this went down, and i'm really concerned about his general well-being.

but i can't force someone to talk to me. i can't make someone respond or reciprocate, and if i make any further efforts, i feel like i'm invading his personal/emotional space, even though i emailed and said that if he didn't want me to contact him again, to let me know, and he didn't.

part of me wonders if he's punishing me in some way by ignoring me. i know that he was hurt, i don't know if he still is (i hope not), but i don't know if he would be vindictive and hurtful in return. maybe because i *do* feel at peace with everything else in my life, i want to fix this, too.

i think one of the worst things you can do to a person, i mean without physically assaulting him/her, is to shut the person out of your life. you are left with no answers and many questions.

i don't believe in closure, but i'd like to be at peace with this person. maybe i'm just being selfish, and trying to find what's missing.