stupid

great song by
sarah mcicanneverrememberhowtospellherlastname...



i say this as a precursor to what is to follow, not as an arrogant statement, but as something that i have been told ever since i can remember: i'm an intelligent person.

growing up, my mom stressed *that* more than anything else, so it's something i've always valued and striven (strove? neither of those sounds correct, so much for the "intelligent" claim) for. she would tell me that i was beautiful, and funny, and blah blah blah, but intellect was of the highest esteem in our house.

having gotten that out of the way, i don't consider myself to be a dumb person, either; therefore, i don't quite understand why it is SO fucking difficult for me to learn certain lessons. i'm not an idiot, i put up with very little bullshit, and i'm pretty good at reading people.

i'm very upfront and open, but not in a tactless, brutal way; i just know what i want. i've been told by others that i'm brave, and thinking back, i guess i am.

so, WTF is wrong with me that i need to be smacked upside the head at least a dozen times (theoretically speaking) in order to learn a lesson that i've *already* learned 100 times before? apparently, i *didn't* learn it, or i wouldn't have to learn it again...

this doesn't apply to everything, mind you, mostly to situations involving how i'm treated by other people and what i'll allow in a relationship, be it friend, family, or boy.

other things in life, such as social etiquette, song lyrics, the birthdays of everyone i meet, *these* things i can commit to memory when i'm barely conscious. tell me your birthday, it's in there for life.

i can, however, also remember things that are vital, such as: always wash your hands after touching anything spicy, especially if you're going to stick your fingers in your eye. that's an important one.

i don't know if this (stubborn? we'll call it stubborn) behavior is something that is *so* deeply ingrained in me, it'll take years to slough off, but i want it gone...immediately...without question...buh bye.

i'm too old to blame my upbringing, and i've had enough therapy to know that i have other options and that it would be in my best interest to select one of *those*. they say that insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting a different outcome. i guess that fits in this instance...not that i consider myself insane, but whatever.

the proverbial "they" also say that a person won't change his patterns/behaviors unless they stop working for him. an asshole will always be an asshole if he's happy with the end result of his efforts; he has absolutely NO reason to change.

clearly, some of my patterns aren't working for me, and i need to find a few new ones. i wish they had a manual, something like "WHAT TO DO WHEN YOUR SUBCONSCIOUSLY SELF-DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIOR MANIFESTS ITSELF INTO A CONSCIOUS ONE: HOW TO PICK A SELF-EMPOWERING BEHAVIOR! (GUARANTEED RESULTS IN 30 DAYS, OR YOUR MONEY BACK)".

i do know that i have to change. admitting you have a problem is the first step, but apparently just knowing that i do dumb shit, and that i'll end up hurt, disappointed, and feeling like i need to take a chlorox shower isn't enough of an incentive for me. and neither is getting theoretically knocked upside the head.

maybe i need a *literal* whack to the head...