(your head holds gold) your heart holds diamonds

in keeping with the theme of song titles for blog titles, this is a bob schneider song, but good luck finding the lyrics. they're nowhere online.

yep, i wrote a few weeks ago, and thought that i'd keep it up, but there have been a few things going on that i didn't really want to write about, that i needed time to process, and didn't want to share. i'm still processing...

there are a lot of things going on in my head right now. in a way, i feel like i'm coming to a crossroads. i'm not a TA for the summer, starting tomorrow my insurance will be on hiatus until september 1st, i started a new job, i'm supposed to be studying for my qualifying exams (that is increasingly difficult), and i'm doing research for my dissertation.

add to that the fact that i'm really burned out on school, i'm increasingly unhappy living in dallas, and i'm tired of constantly scrambling for money.

another issue is that without insurance, i have to cut back my visits to my therapist. luckily, it only costs about $40 to see her without insurance. however, my stupid insurance has refused to commit to a contract with her office, and they won't pay for my visits at all, anymore, ever. fantastic.

the thought of not seeing my therapist creates a lot of anxiety for me. she's one constant in the last year and a half of my life, and unlike every other person who knows me, an objective voice. even though i've unloaded a lot of emotional baggage, i'm still trying to solidify some of the skills i've been working on.

boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.

anyway, i'm doing a lot of introspection about the choices i make and my seemingly lackadaisical ability to refrain from acting on emotions that are unhealthy...which then lead to bad decisions. i've always been one to lead with my heart, not my head. but that stupid organ has failed me too many times to be trusted, by seeking instant gratification, or not considering consequences and after effects.

i don't know, how *do* you turn off your feelings? i don't think it's possible. in the past, i would just avoid acting on them, find distractions, let them die out on their own, write a list of reasons to rationalize an emotional situation. it works pretty well...for a while.

logic and reason only go so far when applied to affection.

it's always (and i don't use that word lightly) been hard for me to let go. i thought i had it *somewhat* mastered.

so, what to do? i'm still trying to figure that out.