not all me

and alanis again...

despite being cooped up in the house last week, i still felt pretty good emotionally. i was okay physically, too, until about wednesday or thursday. the past few days have been up and down because i heard that someone (in the last year or so) has been saying a lot of crap about me that isn't true.


this would be hurtful enough of its own accord, but i went out of my way to keep "our" personal business to myself, for the most part. plus, this was someone who knew (knows) a lot of personal information about me, and not only threw it in my face, but made not-so-subtle references to it in FB statuses. awesome.

i'm now beginning to understand why some people that i met last summer looked at me like i'd crawled out from under a rock. i wasn't just being paranoid!

i've also been thinking that maybe when i am happy, i shouldn't shout it from the rooftops, because within a matter of a few days, i seesaw back the other way.

maybe that's just the way of the world; things are constantly in flux and go up and down, but it'd be nice to have a really long set of good days to string together. i know that i shouldn't let things like this get to me. i can't control anyone else, and i can rest assured that i *tried* to do right by the other person in the above mentioned situation.

for the most part, i've learned to let go of this kind of thing, but when it's someone close to me, and my "friends" don't find out the real deal, but instead treat me like a leper, it's a little more difficult to shake off.

i'm also feeling lonely; i sometimes don't think that there are a lot of people i can count on consistently. things seem to be sporadic, and i've found myself wanting to run away somewhere, a lot, the past few days. it's not an answer, the problems would go with me and manifest in a different form. if i can't count on a lot of people in a city in which i've lived almost 30 years, running to some beach somewhere probably isn't going to be stocked with long lost friends.

i've been taking things personally lately that i don't know if i should be. i guess my thought is that the only common denominator between all these different situations/feelings is me.

i don't know, maybe i should focus on what i need to, and not worry so much about what other people do.