so-called chaos

alanis...

learning how to do things differently is a hell of a lot harder than learning how to do them the first time, especially if you learn by example, soak them up in your every day life, and don't realize that another way exists.

i've been trying so hard, and it's *still* a struggle to stop doing things that i know are unhealthy or stupid. over thirty years of doing things the "wrong" way, or thinking that a lack of boundaries and people treating you poorly is okay, is really difficult to get rid of, even when you don't want to be treated that way.

it may feel like shit, but it's comfortable, as screwed up as that is, and what you know seems to feel like home...for me, anyway. change is uncomfortable, usually messy, and always a work in progress. it takes time to learn new habits and settle into them. i feel like i'm constantly changing to undo what i've been taught, or to improve the ways i've decided to behave.

it also took me a long time to get used to the "quiet", as opposed to chaos. i think i've finally learned how to appreciate and relish it now in *most* areas of one life, but for one: that being in romantic relationships. i can't remember having a boyfriend who didn't bring drama or pandemonium to my life...including the "good relationships".

even if things eventually settled down, more often than not the beginning was less than ideal, and vice versa for relationships that began normally and in kind. a great start can fall to irreparable pieces in a matter of days. i almost crave that turmoil because it's better than boredom; at least it's something to keep my mind occupied and keep me from thinking about genuine issues of concern.

the gossiping hens in my head are too busy clucking to devote time to what really matters. it's also a way that i understand, a system where i know my place, and feel like i have one. i say that now, but when i get too close, or i get hurt, i go back to wishing that i lived a silent, boy-free life of monotony.

the grass is always greener...