*another* lesson learned from reality tv...uh oh

so...i was watching "celebrity rehab with dr. drew" because who doesn't love a good train wreck? i started watching it last season (i think) because i had a family member in rehab, and although it's a reality show (yes, i know it's not really real), i wanted to see if i could learn anything about addiction. it can't hurt, correct?

first of all, i'd be hard-pressed to even designate some of these goofballs as "celebrities", i mean keyshia cole's mother? who the hell is keyshia cole? i *think* she's a singer, but how does that make her mom a "celebrity"?

another one of the so-called famous people on the show this season is rachel uchitel, who is labeled (very appropriately) "tabloid celebrity". now this dumb bitch (i'm sorry, but she is) is best known for being tiger woods' mistress.

oh, and she had an affair with david boreanaz, too (also married). both of these circumstances have been covered to *death* by the tabloids. yeah rachel, your fiance died in 9/11, it was a tragedy, it happened nine years ago, blah, blah, blah, get therapy, get medication, get some help, get something, but stop screwing all these married guys.

unfortunately, i actually learned something about myself in watching dr. drew talk to her. i must now go hang my head in shame...

and, we're back...while rachel's addicted to benzos and drinks on a daily basis, she is also supposedly a "love addict". now, i'm not an addict of anything, particularly love, but dr. drew had some valid points about how this woman conducts herself with men.

a little back story about rachel: she said that she doesn't date, she never has, she doesn't like it. she immediately gets into relationships, and gets close to a guy quickly, not necessarily sexually, but emotionally, and that her relationships are intense from the get-go. she also said that the guys she usually dates are cheaters (duh, it's called "married").

this is sounding all too familiar.
uh oh.
i have the same relationship style as this tabloid queen who can't seem to find a decent guy, let alone have a sane relationship.

fantastic.

i've already discussed my views on cheating, no judgment, but i'm screwed.

now, a little back story about me: i don't date, i never have, i hate it. when i get into a relationship, it's on, right away: emotionally intense, all-encompassing, and at times, destructive. sound familiar?

there have also been a few cheaters in there. oh, and a married guy.

if i hadn't had some sort of boundaries, there would have been more than one married guy, so i've got that going for me.
woo. hoo.

dr. drew's diagnosis of rachel's love addiction was based on what she gets, and needs, from a romantic relationship: intensity, excitement, the fulfillment of some missing emotional element, the dynamics of co-dependency. she gets into relationships that are detrimental to her well-being, and despite the fact that she knows it's a bad idea, she plunges in regardless.

and she made a valid point, to which dr. drew agreed; she's not in this alone. each time she's dancing off the edge of a cliff, it's with some dumb ass guy who craves this type of fucked up relationship just as much as she does.

dr. drew's advice to rachel was that she needs to have a "boring" relationship, one without drama and immediate intensity. she needs to learn how to be close to someone, in an appropriate manner, of course.

hello, dr. drew, where have you been for the last fifteen years of my life?!? and are you accepting new clients, possibly long distance?

as we've already established, i grew up in a drama-filled environment, and until my mid-20s, created drama when it was absent because it was the only way i knew how to feel comfortable. the quiet made me anxious, not content. i was always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

i also grew up in an atmosphere of emotional intensity, and i guess i thought that if someone wasn't consumed by me right away and didn't want to be with me constantly, he didn't really love me. i craved that all-consuming desire to be as close to someone else as i could be, to be understood, and to have someone there for me *unconditionally*. i never really had that, either.

while i have made some very, very poor decisions when it comes to men, i didn't *think* i was a love addict. i'm okay with being alone and not having a boyfriend. hello, welcome to the last five years of my life, but this little lesson in the non-real world of reality tv hit pretty close to home.

i never *thought* i was a love addict...maybe i was wrong.