some days are better than others...

...and some days are worse. this has been a particularly bad day, for reasons that i can't quite figure out. i know that this is a tricky time of year for me, and that that
'bad" anniversary is coming up in two days, but i don't know if that explains why i cried for over an hour today, have no interest in going anywhere for christmas, and have forced every move i've made since i got out of bed.

i got three very sweet, beautiful, amazingly original cards from my pearl jam peeps today, and even that made me cry...in a good way, but also because i feel like they're the only family i have a lot of the time, and my own family doesn't have time for me.

i don't know, i feel like i need a break from reality, from this illness. it seems like it's holding me hostage, and doesn't *want* me to get better, doesn't want me to call my friends, or ask for help, or do positive things to get out of this rut. i feel like i'm being held captive by something that's trying to drag me down and kill me.

it's unrelenting and brutal. i feel like i'm battling with myself, or a part of me that wants me to die. i don't know that my will to live is strong enough to beat it back.

i've had so many friends tell me that they're here for me if i need anything or want to talk, but what do i say? i'm lonely, scared, sad, afraid that i'll never get past this? no one wants to *hear* that, and no one knows what to *say* to that. and i'm tired of being a burden.

so i say nothing...