"...and laugh at gilded butterflies..."

i really hadn't planned on writing today. i mean, i want to maintain the consistency of it, but i've been really pensive and recuperating. i'm emotionally drained and frustrated with the reality and inconvenience of being in unrelenting pain from the simplest of tasks.

just sitting up all day yesterday, with some standing and walking here and there, caused me to get no sleep last night because i felt like my body was full of broken glass, my head, neck, and shoulders were torn up, and i was completely miserable.

after seeing to my therapist yesterday, i spent some time thinking about what i've accomplished in the last 10 or 11 months. a significant anniversary (dubious, not happy) is coming up this weekend. i'm not going to discuss that now, but i will in the next few days because it's very revealing and difficult for me, and is what *forced* me to ask for help. without that request, i would, quite literally, have been dead by now.

anyway, i've been spending this year trying to work through a lot of my issues and unburden myself of past drama and trauma. hey, that rhymed.

it's been a very trying and difficult year in many ways, lots of changes, lots of trying new habits, lots of discarding old habits, lots of digging into my psyche, lots of letting go, but also lots of grabbing on to things that are good, valid, and healthy.

i've made a lot of progress, and according to my therapist, i've really put her to work, which is what i told her i would do. when i met her in january, i vowed that i was ready to get my shit together. i wanted her to be unrelenting, and to push me as much as was needed to help me get to where i want, and need, to be.

because i can't go back to where i was before.

she said that i was very determined, and that i stood up for myself and for my treatment. i demanded to be helped, a major accomplishment for me. i'm not one to ask for help. in the past, asking for, and receiving, help had a price: a taunting, unrelenting, vicious slap in the face as its repercussion.

in order to continue my progress in hopes of never looking back, i think i need to spend the next seven months focusing on myself and what i need to do, and not focus on what others want me to do. most of my problems have centered around my relationships (mostly with men), and how i learned to behave and react in the world.

i have had this ingrained goal (no, a destructive obsession), to please everyone else, regardless of whether it was the best thing for me, or even what i wanted. this needs to stop, and it very rapidly is grinding to a halt.

what i learned growing up, and in my primary relationship, needs to continue to be phased out, because it colors and controls every action i've made. i take full responsibility for what i've done, but it's now up to me to learn how to be *my own* person, not a puppet, not the vicarious reason for someone else's existence. this may not make any sense to you, but it does to me.

i haven't really been involved with a guy since july, and i think spending the next seven months (a year in total) on me, school, studying for exams, and figuring out who i am now and what i want is the best thing. a year of drama-free, boy-less non-action is what i need. a year to phase out the frenemies and emotional vampires that will suck me dry, if i let them.

i know that i've improved my communication skills, have strengthened my boundaries while knocking down my walls, and have made huge strides in my relationship with my dad, probably the most important one in my life at this point.

i want to make him proud, and myself, too. i want to find the path to being the strong, independent, focused, loving person that i think someone tried to guide me to all those years ago.

that path was lost somewhere along the way. i want to believe in myself, to live with joy and self-respect, in a world full of promise, rather than regret.

i hope i can find the way...