4AM

yes, it's a song title...

anyway, i know i just wrote a few hours ago, but after thinking i'd have problems sleeping because i slept so much last night/today, i fell asleep pretty quickly...and it was awful.  i *very* rarely have nightmares, most likely because my fucking brain never stops processing when i'm awake and i'm constantly thinking, so that when i finally *do* fall asleep, my brain's first thought is, "thank christ. screw that subconscious thing; i need some REM."

tonight i did have a nightmare, in some ways similar to one i had a few weeks ago.  that one was caused by being sick and taking too much cold medicine, i'm pretty sure, but this one had similar elements: i felt trapped, literally.  my body was paralyzed, and even though i was in a place and situation that terrified me, i couldn't move.  

i even realized it in the dream tonight...i was asleep but thought: hey, this happened not too long ago and i tried to force myself to move for over an hour.  i'm busting out of this NOW!  i was in a new apartment, in bed, i had just moved...with my eyes closed, i tried to imagine the layout of the apartment, tried in vain to remember the layout of my current apartment, and i couldn't. 

that's when i forced myself (in my dream) out of bed and stumbled around an entirely different location than where i live, finding the bathroom, which was old and tiled, from the 1950s.  the windows were open, with the screens having been cut off.  i realized this when i reached out to touch the glass and there was nothing, just small flaps of screening on the sides. i was terrified, thinking that someone was going to climb in one of the windows and attack me.

i saw that there was an old crank with a handle that you can use to roll the windows shut, and i started frantically closing one, but when i rolled it too far, the window just opened in, instead of out. i was so convinced that some guy was going to jump out of the bushes, i was terrified.  i finally got it adjusted and turned to close the other one, but decided that it was safer to just leave.  

i jumped out of the second window into what i guess was the yard, but was in actuality soft and un-manicured, and felt like old hay.  i lay there on my face, once again paralyzed.  i couldn't do anything but try and flail around, paralyzed, waiting for someone to assault me. i forced myself to move, briefly waking up because my face was buried in my pillow and i was digging and kicking at the bed.

when i did wake up, i ran out of my room and started to cry.  one of the worst things about living alone is not having anyone to console you when it's 4am and you have a bad dream.  i've remembered lots of dreams the last few weeks, which is unusual.  i used to remember them all the time, and they're always so bizarre that it's difficult to put them into words.  there are no words, only images and emotions to describe what happens when i close my eyes.

i know how i feel, what i experience, and always (either right away or with analysis) what the dream means, but it's not really something i can put into words to describe to someone else.  i'm not sure what that means.  

phoenix gets scared when i'm upset, and i don't want him to suffer, so i made some tea and looked out the living room window...trying to get some perspective and remember that there's an entire world that lays behind my walls.

i mean, this is something i know, but it's hard to remember when it's the middle of the night, you're alone, and there's no one you'd want to bother with something so trivial. it's still really frightening and disorienting, and i just don't want to be by myself right now, but there's nothing i can do except drink my tea, hold my pillow, try to stop crying, and breathe...