release

i haven't really posted about pearl jam lately, so that's their song in the title, mostly because the lyrics contain the word 'pain', and release from pain would be a really good thing right about now. i'm so frustrated because i'm trying to stay positive and on an even keel. i've got a good little medication cocktail for the depression worked out; i even had my diagnosis downgraded from severe to moderate. but with the pain i've been dealing with, it's really difficult. i do *not* want to bitch and moan all the time, but chronic pain is just that: with you all the time.

it's gotten to the point where it consumes almost every minute of my day. i can't concentrate, focus, or think about anything else without factoring in how much i have to move, how much it's going to hurt, and how much i'll regret it later.

along with all those calculations, i also have to try to figure out how i can do all the things that i need to in any given day, and how many i can neglect. last night was particularly bad, and phoenix was completely freaked out because i was crying, screaming into my pillow, and pulling my hair. i have traumatized my child.

i've been getting spinal injections to control the pain. it's basically a cortisone epidural, and while the procedure isn't bad, i feel horrible afterward. the first one helped alleviate the pain for almost two weeks, but the second one made it worse. my left arm ached, the knife was lodged in my back again, and it felt like a poker was embedded in my neck and head.

after much crying, frustration, and phone calls, i saw my doctor today, who wanted to talk to me about surgery. um, i believe my sentiment to her nurse was along the lines of "HELL NO!" but i still wanted to talk to the doctor about my concerns, results, etc., so i went.

she told me that my reaction to the second injection was atypical; not surprising, as my body tends to do the opposite of what it's supposed to do most of the time. the first injection (they do a series of three) is supposed to reduce the pain by 30%, then another 30% with the second, and then another 30% with the third one.

this, obviously, didn't happen, but since the first one worked she wants to do the third. after that, if i'm still having problems i'm going to have to see a surgeon. i've talked to a few medical professionals about back surgery, and everyone has strongly "urged" me to refrain. usually, they fuse your vertebrae together, then the surrounding vertebrae take up the slack, then *they* need surgery, and so on. no thank you, to the snowballing back surgeries.

however, what my doctor said was that i wouldn't have anything fused. a surgeon would do a minimally invasive procedure to "clean out" all the goop (i have no idea what the medical term is) that's poking around, sticking out, whatever and messing with my pinched nerves. apparently the bulging is incredibly bad (that's what she said), and the severity of the pinching may be what caused the bad reaction to the second injection.

in addition to this, i'll be starting an interdisciplinary pain management out patient program next week, three days a week from 8am to 3pm. needless to say, i'm pushing back my qualifying exams, which i really don't want to do but i'm completely useless at this point, and can't be in constant pain and taking pain killers daily (i'm up to percoset at this point).

the program will consist of physical therapy, occupational therapy, swimming, education about chronic pain, biofeedback, and relaxation techniques. and if the pain isn't reduced by this program, at least i'll be better equipped to deal with it on a daily basis.

fantastic.

i'm not as freaked out about surgery now, knowing that nothing will be soldered together with metal, and if they need to go in and vacuum all that crap out for me to feel better, i'm all for it. it'll take a few weeks to recuperate (i don't know the exact amount of time), but i'll worry about that later.

for now, i'm going to focus on what will essentially be my job for the next five weeks: reducing my pain so that i can feel like human again.