masochist

so, it seems that i've managed to get rid of the one behavior that i realized was self destructive. it's stupid and guaranteed to make me feel like shit about myself, regret my past decisions, and effectively bleed my heart dry.

said activity was my contacting, usually via text, this guy that i had a relationship with, off and on, for about two years (see prior blog entry entitled "oh well, whatever, never mind). i'm referring to the third guy: an alcoholic, emotionally shut off individual.

i had an epiphany one night when i was sitting outside texting him, and realized the utter futility in doing something that will never give me what i want or need. i realized that this was one of the stupidest fucking things i could do, and that it was accomplishing nothing, other than reinforcing my distrust, contempt, and lack of faith in humanity, men, and particularly myself.

texting/calling/emailing him was something i did when i felt bad about myself and just needed that extra push to spiral into self pity and continue the cycle of self-loathing i tend to indulge in, but have gotten much better about ignoring.

being treated like shit by this guy or being flat out ignored also fortified my belief that i don't deserve to have any men in my life treat me well, or to *ever* have a healthy romantic relationship...whatever the hell *that* is.

i talked to my therapist about the texting issue approximately two months ago, and since i mentioned it roughly five minutes before the end of the session, we didn't really have a chance to discuss "healthier" options, but after talking to her, i realized that i had reached my saturation point of this jackass's behavior and cut him out cleanly and quickly. no more reckless texting. i virtually forgot him.

yay, me.

anyway, due to some really substantial progress, and the recent onslaught of debilitating pain that has rendered my body a virtual train wreck, i've scaled back my visits with my therapist, or had to cancel/reschedule them, so i have yet to discuss healthier alternatives with her as far as what i can do on the rare ocassions when i'm feeling particularly masochistic or in a self-punishing mood. in fact, i haven't even felt that way until the last week, when things started wandering into the realm of complete hopelessness and futility.

sooooo, being the determined, over-achieving person i am, i found another unhealthy solution: digging through online avenues to find out about my ex's and what's going on in their world/lives, much to my detriment because, honestly, who gives a shit? let the past lay dead and silent.

these are people that i haven't thought of in months and months, and i have been going out of my way to see how they've moved on, if they're happy, healthy, and satisfied. i don't know if they are, because lots of people put on a good public front to disguise their true lives.

these guys are not ones i want in my life, except for one, who seems to have been given a gag order by his wife to not talk to me. it wouldn't be the first time an ex was forbidden from talking to me, and i can't blame the wife in that situation, because after not talking to said ex for four years, i saw him and we managed to get naked in about 6 hours, effectively ending their fragile, fragmented marriage. of course, if you make something/someone forbidden, the level of interest multiplies exponentially.

however, no such issue exists with the other (my oldest/first) ex, who also lives in another state. we're technically still friends, and communicate off and on, but i haven't seen him in almost 9 years, and he has morals that the other idiot doesn't...i think.

anyway, i don't think this is a healthy thing. it brings up ghosts of the past, romanticizing bad memories because sometimes it's easier to remember the good things. if you can only remember all the horrible instances of past relationships, you start kicking yourself for wasting time with that person in the first place.

however, these guys are no longer in my life for a reason; i don't even want to be friends with them. i definitely need to find another way to deal with these negative feelings about myself...start doing affirmations or something. i think part of the reason that i have resorted to checking up on them is that when i was in these relationships, i had a network of people that i hung out with all the time; a big group of friends in which i felt supported, had fun, had social interaction. i really feel that void right now, but looking at the FB profiles of guys i used to date isn't going to fix anything.

it took me a long time to let go of the past, and there's no reason for me to go back to what i left behind years ago.